New, Question about showering

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Hi my daughter is 17 and has Asperger's. She hates to shower, she will go 3-4 days without showering. We have to really fight with her to get her to shower. She refuses to wear deodorant. She won't wear pj's so she keeps her same clothes on sometimes for more then 1 day. Does anyone else have this problem? Help please!

I was like that growing up. The supposed cause for this behavior is lack of concern for how others think of your appearance. So I think the logical thing would be to try to impress on her that importance. Of course, that's what my parents told me growing up, and I don't think it really helped much. I think what did it for me was going to college and getting in a serious relationship with someone.

Keep trying. As an aspie she will respond better to logic, so try to explain to her why it upsets you and why it might upset others.

I was like that once... I was probably 15 or 16 when I started to shower more regularly and remember to use deoderant. Perhaps she would prefer taking baths. Most schools have a psychologists you might look into asking him/her a few questions. I have a theorey that for one reason or another whatever makes women put so much effort into keeping their appearance either isn't there or isn't effecting her. Is she attracted to any boys? Explain to her that a minimum level of hygene is required to have success in attracting them. Is she not interested in them? Find out why.

She could she have a sensory issue so she won't shower or wear deodorant. I used to hate showers myself because I hated water being pured on my head and plus the water get in my ears and they hurt because I had tubes in them. That was my reason for hating to have showers and getting my hair washed but once my mother found another method to wash my hair, the fighting stopped and the screaming and I got used to it. She wash my hair at the sink like you do at the beauty parlor or she have me lean my head over the tub and she wash it from there. Now I don't mind showers. I been showering since I was ten. I'd just close my ears when I wash. Now I don't have that worry because I don't have tubes anymore.


I used to have to wear my clothes to bed everynight when I was 4 and 5 and I hated wearing nighties and I had to wear shoes to bed. I'd even wear a same out fit everyday but my mother wouldn't let me but I never protested or fought. She just tell me "Beth you wore that yesterday, go change your clothes," or "Beth you wore that on Tuesday, go change your clothes." She wouldn't even let me wear the same outfit in a few days. But I outgrew that phase.
I even remember at daycare, my teacher would fight me to take my shoes or my boots off and I'd be grabbing onto them and she be pulling on them and she never gave up so she always won. She had a problem with me wearing shoes in my cot during naps which I always hated. If I were the teacher, I'd let one of my kids wear them during naps, I don't see what the big deal is.

welcome to my world!! !! !! !! !! !! only differences are that i have a son, not a daughter & that my son is 15. no advice, i'm afraid... can't seem to get my son to shower or change either. even had schools complain about the smell~embarassing, but what can i do ? it's not like he's a toddler who i could plop in the bathtub & bathe

My son too - he would only bathe at home, in his bathroom, and I swear to you the average person couldn't brush their teeth with the amount of water he used for a shower!

Every now and again dad would wrestle on with him to get him clean clean, and we had to keep his hair shaved to avoid smells there.

Suddenly one day he got in the shower and we thought the kid drowned, turned out he found the joy of hygiene. Next day, he's asking for deoderant. He was about 11 at the time.

He would still, however, not bathe anywhere but his own home shower until we bought one of those plastic hose things you can buy to use in a utility tub or whatever. Now when we go away he hooks that up to the faucet and we can finally go out of town for more than one night!

As for the clothes, my son has been putting on "tomorrow's" clothes every night before bed since kindie. He's now in 6th grade. He used to wear t-shirts and sweats, no one noticed, with the jeans he wears the tshirt and undies to bed, then throws on the jeans in the morning.

I've never run into him wearing clothes for days in a row, although he still has favorites he'll wear every other day if you let him.

--------------------Give her better reasons to shower. Like impressing upon her how refreshing a shower first thing in the morning is, how it wakes you up. For the deodorant issue, just make her realise how inconvenient it is to have damp clothes.


Seriously, you have to justify yourself with aspies, and the justifications have to be logical rather than trying to impress others/ fitting in or you will never succeed. She doesnt care about what others think of her as a matter of PRINCIPLE. Your daughter is a deep thinker, no shallow reason will ever make her care. As long as you're trying to justify these things with reasons that aren't logical to her she'll resist you all the way. The showering is just an inconvience to her until she has a genuinely logical reason. ----------------------

Last edited by TechnoMonk on 25 Jan 2007, 2:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i know my personal hygeine isnt and never has been brilliant. it just never has been anything to bother about... only if i can smell myself and ill do something about it... but i usually wear same clothes 2 or 3 days in a row and rarely sleep in any clothes at all... i used to have to wear pyjamas but i prefer to sleep wearing nothing and wrapping myself with one of my american flags- but i only do that if i got clean 1st cos i hate when my flags get dirty and rigurasly inspect them for any fluff on them or anything and wash them often!

my mum thinks its cos im lazy and cant be bothered. but i shower most every day but sometimes if i know im stayin indoors i wont bother to shower.
ive always had a sence to brush my teeth everyday cos i like them clean and i clean in my ears too. i wish i could even figure out myself why i dont want to get showered and have minimul hygiene standards..... the only reason i can ever think of is that i know no1 really likes me anyway cos they think im a freak because of my obsession with flags so why bother wastin time in shower... . the only reason i do shower some days is because ill be in contact with my flags and wouldent want to make them dirty on purpose

Thank you for all you suggestions. Her Dad and I are divorced but remain friends. When she is at his place she paces for about a half an hour before she takes a shower. At my place I get her clothes ready for her, she takes the cat with her(he sits on the counter), then she goes down stairs to get a drink, then she will take her shower. I've tried getting her to get a drink before she goes upstairs but it doesn't matter. She'll still need to come down for a drink. Maybe it has to do with her being at 2 different places. At her Dad's he just tells her to take a shower and I get all her stuff ready fo her shower. I should probably stop doing that or he should get a cat.

P.S. I hope I'm doing this right, this is my first time on a forum. I have some social anxieties of my own. I am bipolar 2. This seems like such a great site and I want learn to understand my daughter better so I can be there for her.

I've had this jumper on since I got it at x-mass. I don't think it's too bad.....but hey, I'm Aspie, what do I know.

Anyway, I bath every week or so, mainly because I dont like the feling of dirty hair.

I don't really know what you can do.....errr short of blackmail.....yer, blackmail might work.

Scheduling and rigidity are very common in aspies. It may be that once or twice she went down for a drink, and now she has to do it as part of a routine. It can actually have a very calming effect. Being in a different location would then bring on a very different routine.

Just bringing a new refrigerator into our house was pretty anxiety inducing for our son. We went from a small, plain almond color top/bottom model to a behemoth stainless fridge with water and ice in the door. It is rather intimidating actually. He got used to the sounds in a week or so.

Unfortunately, DH, with his OCD, spends half the day shining it..

Hi I am new here well i joined about 5 minutes ago,lol, and had to respond. We have a 8 year old son with a suspected ASD. The school mental health nurse suspects he has asperger's. We have found life pretty hard with our son and since my husband had an heart attack 6 weeks ago his behaviour is of the wall.
Regarding baths oh dear sums that up. We used to have the firmly put no i damn well will not have a bath to putting him in and him screaming the house down. Him almost flinshing from the water going on in his skin. So we bought a shower and i honestly do not know if that has helped.
He will get in after a lot of persistence on our part, but once in there he hardly gets wet, sings at the top of his voice as he hates the feeling of being alone in the bathroom. And when he does come out he is still dirty.
I cannot offer any advice just say lets hope one day it gets better.

I have a 8y son. He hates showers, because it overstimulates his skin. I'm serious. When I was going to shower him as newborn he screamed so loud that the surgeon checked water temperature and found nothing wrong. He can actually feel a hair dropping on his shoulder.

I've gotten a description of the feeling from him when he's getting a shower and its translated into the closest i can in english this: "Oh my god i have ants they drip they hit my foot and my hair hurts" - I can't explain it further. Showering can be a PAIN and nobody notify the child in pain from a trickle from the shower.

This is probably a dumb question, but you didn't mention baths. Will she take a bath? My 8 yo son won't shower either (hates the water getting on his face) but he loves baths once he's in it. Sometimes getting him to the tub is the tough part. But once the water is running he's good to go.

I have another thought... Are her soaps and deodorants scented? Try getting her unscented shampoo, soap and deodorant. It might help.

i get my 11yr old to bath every day she hates showers she still needs a lot of input from me i don't go into the bathroom but i have to ask her has she washed properly and she wouldn't ever brush her teeth if i didn't keep on i have to explain why she has to wash lol it is tiring.

im a bit worryed about when she is a teenager but i try to keep a good routine and i do help her with her hair. She can't do her shoe laces yet her main interests seem to be the computer and drawing. life just gets in the way of her interests lol.