So, the other day my son runs up to his room for his computer time, but he had just forgotten one little thing outside with me that he was supposed to do first (get the eggs), so I called my husband - we live on 20 acres and I'm semi disabled and it's hard to walk back and forth and up and down stairs - and I said that he probably ran in the house and could you please yell up the stairs to him that he's not done out here. I've told my husband many many many times that he's not to do more than that, definitely not allowed to touch him, to physically stop him from doing things that are not life or major property threatening, not allowed to exact a punishment, and that if DS acts in a way that he tells me about that I think requires some sort of action, I'll handle it. But to avoid my husband over reacting I almost never involve him. This time I was hoping he could just yell up the stairs, a simple matter. I knew if DS was already going on his video game, he would not stop and come out, so I'd have a talk with him when I got in about it, but if he hadn't gotten it started yet there was a good chance he'd come back out after my husband telling him "your mom said you're not done out there."
But of course that's not all that happened. DS was already on the computer, so my husband physically took his hands off it, took it away from him, and then pulled him up off his bed by his arm. DS runs out and tells me, hubby comes out and tells his side, DS starts crying, hubby says he's just putting on a show, I lose it and tell him if he ever says that again or ever touches my son again he can get the hell out. He apologizes later but honestly, parents - do you willingly keep exposing your child to somebody who causes those sorts of events on any type of routine basis? If that sort of thing kept happening with a friend of yours, you'd not be friends, yes, or you'd at least not bring your kid around him. If it was a teacher, complain, raise hell, change schools... It's not the end of the world - he did not hit my son or gamble away all our money or wreck the family car in a DUI or cheat on me. But for heavens sake, how f*****g difficult is it to do what I say????
As for my dad, these sorts of things happen ENDLESSLY. DS pokes him, he says stop, DS pokes him 3 more times before being able to stop himself, and my dad says "I'm going to hit you!" Today DS tapped him on the chest with a water bottle, pretending he was blowing it toward him. He was told to stop. He did it three more times. My dad says he's going to take the water bottle and beat my son over the head with it. My dad says "If he hits me, I'm allowed to hit him back! An eye for an eye! What's fair is fair!" He says my son is allowed to get away with anything and it's not fair that he, my dad, can't do the same thing back to my son for retaliation. We've had counseling, he's been told, it makes no difference. My parents live here because they are semi disabled too and we all help each other. My dad helps me run the ranch. My mom and I try to keep DS away from him but it's not always possible. There is an interaction like this maybe once per week. My son used to get really upset, but this last year or so he usually just says there is something wrong with grandpa, and he's right. DS and I seem to be able to have reasonable talks about it, and we discuss the things that grandpa does that are really great and the things he does that suck and that we would never want to emulate. But I wish he didn't have to experience those sucky things so up close and personal.
Anyway, I'm just venting. When you hear me complain about people saying my son does things on purpose and is allowed to get away with things, it's almost always my dad and my husband I'm talking about. It is just exhausting that it's really only me who can handle my son even halfway appropriately. My mom is good but my son often takes advantage and in the past has hurt her. My daughter, age 22, is good but moved away for her job. We are starting up services with the local group that provides help to people with stuff like autism so maybe I'll get a break when he has a behavioral aide or a class or something. I do get breaks when he's in karate or swimming but I'm the one who drives him there and picks him up so it's not like it's any sort of long break. I've been trying to involve my son's biological father since I've had a feeling there might be more of a soft affection there that could head off the meanness that shows up in the two men who live here. But there are issues there too, with prescription drug addiction and chronic pain and depression. I guess I need to meet local parents of kids on the spectrum and maybe get to know some good enough that we can swap child care.
02 Aug 2013, 2:08 am
I go back and forth - we should move to an isolated cabin in the woods, versus well he's going to have to deal with all sorts of jerks throughout his life so may as well get some practice. My dad is a real piece of work, and my husband has changed quite a bit but not enough, and I don't really think it's my right to expect him to change. I feel like it's more my fault for not having done sufficient data collection before marrying him. And I don't mean that I am stuck with him forever due to my own fault - I don't really mind the idea of divorce, and in fact I'm more likely to think we should divorce than think I have the right to expect him to change any more. He says he'd rather change than divorce but that he just needs reminders. But it's hard for me to feel loving and close with him when he's done something wrong with my son, and I hate reminding him - I already have two kids and I don't need a third. I don't know if I'd feel the same way if it was my son's biological dad who I was married to and he did something that I thought was wrong. But with an unrelated male, he has to prove his value, otherwise I feel like a mama bear protecting her cub, and there isn't much he brings to the table that would override that instinct. He is so amazingly loving and gentle with me and I just assumed he'd be that way with my son also, but come to find out, he's got different feelings about his role in the lives of children and especially in the lives of boys. Ugh.
