Well write him off I guess

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He (youngest son, 18) comes home today all proud and ragged up and flying colors. Now being from a part of town where that was back then I knew immediately and I told him "Watch out, you flying colors you don't own and you could get hurt, so go change". He says "I own them now Mama!" I don't know what to do. I sympathise with a lot of his beliefs, and if there were old motorcycle gangs I'd be fine with that. But a Blood? Come on now. He's for real though, he got in. I'm not happy about it at all. It's a small town though so there isn't much trouble they can get into. And all the friends he's brought over are very respectful to me and my husband. I'm hoping that this is just country boys pretending.

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The only thing you can really do that matters is love and support your child.
This may just be a phase he's going through, he may not have joined a gang, and maybe he has, but either way he is still your son and you must show him unconditional love.
Only by showing him you care for him and won't judge him will you leave the option there for him to come to you to raise his own concerns about his friends, his life, or whatever.
If you judge him now and show anger at his decisions, you will only push him away and lose any chance of him confiding in you in the future.

You need to trust that the moral guidance you have shown your son over the years will be enough to keep him honest, and to avoid getting into any real trouble.
If you don't do that, he will feel he can no longer look to you for support and acceptance, and that's when you'd really need to be concerned that he may go and join a gang for real.

If he was in a gang that were really trouble makers, most likely they wouldn't come into the house and introduce themselves, so I suspect at this stage he's just with a bunch of guys who are fantasising about being in a gang.
Even if he is in a gang, it sounds like there's nothing to worry about, as you say, its' a small town so if there is anything to it he won't be able to hide it for long, and then you can calmly discuss it and work out a strategy, but in the meantime wait for him to come to you, if you're too reactive or show over concern he'll feel he can't come to you in the future.

The Bloods? In the country? lol wow

The Bloods down here just spray paint stuff and sell weed. Sometimes theres a fight but it's over soon. There are no Crips in this town so they have no rival. So they basically do what he does every day. My oldest son's friend was one for years and I remember him coming over and hanging, and I even cooked him a casserole to take to his house when his gf had his baby. This is not city s**t. If we were in Bham I'd be more worried. I lived through that, I don't want him to have to. Mainly it's a bunch of guys selling weed. That's all it is. Although the higher level dealers aren't in it and laugh at it. But, my city instincts kicked in and I was immediately like "NOT MY BABY!"

He showed me the piece he got. It's beautiful. Raptor, you would LOVE THIS. However, I only like revolvers and this is an automatic. I've never been the mother of a gang member so I don't know how to do this. He was all like "Mama, if anybody f***s with you from now on..." and then he stopped and said "Nevermind, let them take their chances .....Hey Pops if anybody f***s with you... nevermind that too s**t!"

I think he's way into the protection part of it. I don't need that nor does anybody in this house. But I think he feels like he needs to protect us, so I will let him think that if that's what he needs.

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He's deaf in one ear. He hates the military anyway he's way to the left and plus he hates the popo so no to that. I'm gonna let this go for a while. See what comes of it.

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The problem is that Bloods (and Crips for that matter) are a part of large, multinational corporations that don't have your son's best interests at heart.

Boys being boys is a bunch of kids coming up with a name for their group and being clannish about it and occasionally getting into trouble. Gangs are organized crime - they are no different than what happened in Chicago in the 1920s.

I'm not sure what you can do about it as a parent, but as someone living in an urban area dealing with frequent gang violence, I can tell you that the first people to get hurt are family members - physically, financially and legally. I get that a small town is different from a city, but if your son's group gets mixed up in anything serious (rivalry, running something for the higher-ups - the black market in urban areas needs the rural runners) you could be in trouble. Even if there is no rival gang, violence is usually how the street-level kids determine hierarchy (and sometimes that means getting people where they're vulnerable, like family members)

I'd agree with DW - not in your house. You can't control your son's behavior, but you can tell him that he can't live with you or visit you while he's participating in this. The colors aren't what matters, it's the participation.

I'm worried for you and thinking of you. Take care of yourself.

Trust me, I know how gangs work. I know everything that is involved in it. I know exactly what he will have to do if they want to be a real gang and not a country gang, but at this time they don't seem to be anything worse than "those boys in the loud cars".

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I will say this, I am half Sicilian ok? OC isn't that bad a thing. Also little boy bought home a grand the other day. ONE DAY. So there you go. He knows what he's doing and he can watch his own ass, trust me. When he was in school all I could do is go up there for him beating somebody up. I finally took him out of it, cause he wouldn't go anyway,. But it looks like the little boy has made good.

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OliveOilMom, a life dependent on breaking the law can't be seen as making good in my mind. There is always a large disconnect between belief that he can take care of you all, and actual ability. It will crumble; that isn't a question of if, just when.

I'd tell him he has to move out. He puts all of you in danger, both legally and physically, whether he wants to believe it or not. Even if you are OK with that, what about all the other family members? It is not fair to force this situation on them.

Personally, I'd have weed be legal and remove that factor, but it isn't, and once he has a taste of the money and the life, you can't guarantee he won't get more ambitious.

I know it is all tempting. You finally see him proud and standing on his own. You can rationalize it because it is small town and low level, and convince yourself it isn't as serious, that the benefits to him in self-esteem could be worth it. Not to mention how happy sharing the money feels. We love our kids no matter what, and are proud of them also practically no matter what. But if all this is to be, it has to be ON HIS OWN. Get. It. Out. Of. Your. House.

PS - in my world view, you never write a child off. But you can build a strong wall between your life and their poor choices.

All I can say is....slippery slope.

The second thing that comes to mind is...playing with fire.

I am concerned for you. There are potential consequences to all of these choices being made that could have severe repercussions for you, your son, and everyone in your house.

Choose wisely, my friend.

OliveOilMom,

Here is why I am so adamant about getting this out of your house: what happens to your other children if you are arrested and the house is confiscated? One seed found in your house and they have the legal right to take title. Child by child, how does that play out? Protecting your son may cost all the rest. Would that trade off be fair or worth it?

Separately, make sure he knows to report all his income, gross, and pay taxes. Tax evasion is fast and easy to prove in these cases - that is how they got Al Capone. Since then, most in the business make sure they pay all the taxes.

Well, I've given it some thought and even though it's only mild stuff and out in the country I won't stand for it. He really could get hurt. He won't listen to me so I'm having a cop friend talk to him. Said cop WILL NOT bust him or do anything coplike, he will just talk to him and be straight up with him about it. This guy has known my son since he was about 7 or 8 and he's friends with the cops son, etc. So he's comfortable with him and vice versa.

Got to get this settled before I work on any other personal problems (like the ones mentioned in the Haven).

He's a pretty safety conscious kid and I think once somebody other than me points this stuff out to him he will believe it and hightail it out of there.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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Good for you.

I don't know how they operate there (didn't even know they existed in the country), but here they have all sorts of tests for initiation that involve violence toward innocent people. I was the victim of it once. I had a bottle thrown at my head while walking home one evening and looked over to see about 5 or 6 gang members on two corners opposite me. Then, they started chanting 'gang bang' over and over as I continued to walk, not making eye contact, not showing any reaction and wondering if I was experiencing the final moments before a violent attack. These are the kinds of things they do. I think even 'small beans' gangs teach a basic numbness and acceptance of intimidation and bullying of others. The more you do, the number you are to the safety and feelings of others. It's just not a good path, no matter how small.

Good luck, OliveOilMom. Hope he listens. Sorry you've got so much to deal with.