Teaching banter

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So, DS really got a lot out of the video Alex posted about handling bullying and teasing...except when it came to the "banter" part. Sadly, the "banter is really risky" is not a response that helps the average tween. Tween boys banter, it's almost exclusively how they communicate - and DS just doesn't have the right tools to judge how banter is going.

We went out with a group of friends today, and I kept trying to signal DS when he was going too far in the conversation. I noticed that he tried to "one-up" his friends every time they bantered - in one instance, there was a situation with stealing hats that almost lead to disaster, because DS couldn't tell the difference between the initial offhanded "hey, stop it!" and the exasperated "STOP THAT!" towards the end.

To that end, since I am guessing we aren't the only ones, I'm googling resources on banter and collecting them here. I'd love input from the community, too - thus far, I didn't find anything that worked exactly the way I needed.

Unfortunately, most of the articles out there for the socially awkward are for dating banter. I liked the following article a lot despite that, because it talks about the purpose of banter - which is essentially the same whether it's friendly or for flirting - I think the frame they provide is excellent, except of course not appropriate language for tweens. I think half the problem is that DS thinks of banter as one-upping, when the real purpose is providing an opportunity for your partner to respond.

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/08/b ... t-asshole/

I was googling books on this and didn't find much. Surprisingly lacking. I did find these two books, though, that may be helpful in other social ways: Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome (A User Guide to Adolescence) by Luke Jackson. The author is a thirteen year old with Aspergers. And: The Asperkid's Secret Book of Social Rules by Jennifer Cooke O'Toole.

What about role playing with him? You can banter with him and let him know when it is 'too far'.

I was thinking of trying that with my six year old (not bantering), but he is so lost socially I wouldn't know where to start. He pretty much walks up to people and talks about his cat, or a cat he met that liked him, what the cats do when he is around, etc. When they change the subject, he interrupts and brings it right back to cats.

Can't help you much there.

My solution to not understanding banter was to just NOT. That's still pretty much my solution, because although I "get" it, it's still too easy for me to cross a line. I get too darn happy and forget to pay attention to subtle "STOP" cues.

Anyway, I find it one of those stupid things people do. When Hubby and friends get up to it, I tend to find dirty dishes or something.

But-- I'm a girl. I can get away with that. People just think I'm a little stiff or a little shy. Might be different for a guy.

My son is still on brain dumps of special interest information. He won't let anyone change the subject. The best you can hope for is a break where he will let the other person talk.

Honestly, I have enough trouble understanding banter, so it is going to be fun to try to teach this.

Yup, it's tough - but he REALLY needs to get away from special-interest-talk, and the more I observe it, the more I realize it is actually a very codified and structured system of language that, once cracked, should actually be easy for Aspies who can follow language rules.

Last night we talked about it and I tried to explain it was like a tennis game between friends, where you try to set up the ball for the other person to hit it back to you. DS understood it enough to point out that tennis is a competitive game where you try to get your friends to miss, and the point of banter is to give your friend an opportunity to respond to you - so, it's more like having a game of catch.

I think some of the problem is it APPEARS to be a game of one-upmanship, but banter is REALLY about giving your partner an opening and opportunity to showcase their verbal smarts. If you think about it as setting up your friend for success, I think it's easier to keep the humor from going too far (we'll see.) We also talked about sticking to compliments and self-deprecating humor as being less risky than the open, friendly insults that are typical of banter.