Games and behaviour?

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Me and my husband is so stressed out and frustrated with our situation at the moment!
My son has been going through a rough time emotionally the last week or so! His anxiety is through the roof again....aggressive outbursts....crying....acting out.....temper tantrums......exct.
My son has this obsession with guns, violence, blood...and we are CONSTANTLY fighting with him and each other about him wanting to play and watch dvds, pc games...Ps3 games exct that has shooting and violence in it! Like Avatar, project 8... exct. My son is turning 10 next month.
So after he didnt get his way on Sunday and shouting that he will kill his f**king father, we decided to take away ALL games with shooting or killing.
My husband feels most of the power struggles is about above mentioned and he is wondering if him playing this is really contributing to his behaviour or will it make any difference to just let him play and watch it and have plenty less power struggles! My husband feels that my son is being exposed to this by talking to friends and visiting them and is wondering if its not the underlying pathology that cause the behaviour...bipolar? aspergers? And not the games exct?
I feel that he has a predisposition to being influenced by this so want to keep him away from it as much as possible....
Hubby says by keeping him away from it he has less in common with his friends and he is already struggling with socializing so if he can play and watch it at least he has something to keep himself occupied with and to talk about to his friends...
Can any of you maybe share your experience or knowledge regarding this matter?

From what I can gather, from personal experience and form talks I've seen on Youtube by Temple Grandin, people on the spectrum have a predisposition towards addiction to computer games, social media, and the like.
For myself I find that I have a general predisposition toward addiction in general and have to keep my alcohol use in check, as well as any medication that may have a tendency to cause addiction; pain relieving drugs with codeine, antihistamines with a sedative effect etc.

My advice would be to do what you've done, take the game/s away and find something else to interest your child. You can try explaining to the child later that you have noticed the way they behave when using or wanting to get access to the games, and how this worries you, but depending on age and maturity the message may not get through. I was in my 30's before I accepted this was the case with me, when my wife talked with me about playing Need for Speed, and how it affects my moods!

Remember, you have to love your child, but you don't have to love or tolerate bad behaviour, just make sure that when you have to correct the behaviour you still let your child know you love them, and give them positive reinforcement, don't be like my parents were with me and tarnish every correction of behaviour with negative hurtful and personal comments and criticism, or your child will grow to resent you.

I agree with the comments about addiction. That is a strong possibility. The problem is when instead of you playing the games, the game own you. He isn't even aware of it, he just wants to feel happy playing like he did at first, while achieving that is becoming more and more illusory.

There is also something about the medium that can have negative effects on mental processing.

The games have not caused your son's ASD or ASD traits, but if they have become a stress factor, they will make the negative behaviors worse. Pretty simple equation.

My problem is that he is probably too young to be able to see a connection like this himself, and so taking these things away will come across as punishment to him, when your real goal is to make him happier and mitigate his stress. Do any local organizations practice turn-off-the-TV-week? That can be used to spend a week absent ALL screens in the home, and it was after such a week that my son realized how stressed having a TV on was for him. He would never have agreed to experiment if it had been suggested by us, but the school made a big deal of it, and he came home with caution tape and the whole nine yards, plus special events to participate in instead, like a special family game night (table top gaming).

I hear you on the social connection, but if the medium is truly a negative experience for him, then it needs to go. There are many table top games with clubs and a huge social following, without the addictive side effects, and that might prove to be more positive. And they tend to have plenty of war and killing themes to satisfy that boy nature Warhammer, Magic, Dungeons and Dragons. Totally blanking on the name, but there is a nice younger kid version of a war game you get at the toy store along the same theme line, including toys and add ons to collect.

Taking the games away is a false choice. Your child will resent you and the damage will not go away. You are not Amish and cannot shield him from the media.

Instead of withdrawing things from your son, add more things to his life, so that the influence of the "lesser things" is diluted and balanced.

Namely, martial arts. Traditional martial arts.

Karate is good for kids because it doesn't have a lot of moves that will alter their growing skeleton.

Throwing arts like Aikido and Judo have more harmful potential to the bones and should be taken from age 14+.

He needs to be exposed to a degree of humility, but also positive reward, and a way to channel and dissipate his aggression.

Look for a Karate school. Ask him if he wants to visit and just watch.

Japanese arts like Karate and Aikido have a strict class protocol which doesn't encourage socializing. I found this protocol to be very helpful when my ability to socialize was severely impaired. Predictability and routine of the protocol creates the feeling of a safe haven.

Totally agree, though sometimes taking the games away may be the only choice, like when the child has to go to school, bed or otherwise engage with others. The child needs to know the rules and obey them, but understand that restriction of activities is about life balance, not about punishment.
I did karate in my early 20's and it did the world of good for me.

We did this for much the same reason you did, and we explained it thusly to my son: violent media requires a certain amount of maturity. He was showing us he wasn't mature enough to handle violent media by his violent behavior. We told him that we would discuss returning the violent media when he had stopped being violent for a significant length of time (you might need to be explicit on the time - for us it was a year, because we knew he could hold it together for months at a time and when he lost control it would be worse than before.)

On the flip side of that, we worked very hard with him to give him tools to use when he was frustrated and angry - you may want to go back and read posts from how we handled violence in the past. It isn't a one-off thing, but some of it is you need to connect that violence is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE in real life, and that using violent media is reserved for people who understand how to behave IRL.

Your husband is not wrong - there is a social cost to removing violent media. That said, there's an even bigger social cost to being violent or using violent language, and the damage it does lasts much longer. If you take a year or so off of videogames, whatever friends he might lose will still be around (and probably weren't worth keeping in the first place) - but if he scares his friends or acquaintances, he will do permanent damage to his social relationships (this from experience.)

(During the hiatus from games/media, what we DID allow my son was reading novelizations of violent movies and games that his friends were allowed to see - this allowed him to be able to talk about them with kids, but didn't have the same effect on his behavior.)

Taking away a certain kind of media, thats simply not fitting for his age and maturity is not "turning into an amish" as taking away porn videos from an 10 year old, cant be compared to "forbidding him to watch cartoon-network."

I´d go for the behaviour while he plays. My parents didnt matter that much for what I played (so I didnt play explicite fighting games, but yes there were some violent video sequences from now and then in strategy games as example) but cared more for my behaviour while playing. Did the games cause me to be more calm and happy, it was ok. If a game caused me to become aggressive or shout violently at the computer and caused me to become mainly frustrated and angry (So yes, after the 30th try of doing the last map on Warcraft II, a little frustration was in me, but more a focused frustration like "I wanna do that map now, and I will win, goddamn it!", not a yelling, screaming, thing throwing frustration.) the game was done. As they mentioned pretty obvious: They dont buy me games to support me in acchieving "bad" behaviour. If I dont appreciate a game, by showing that appreciation with a good behavior, then I dont seem to be interested in playing it. The last sentence wasnt 100% correct, but I understood what they meant: Its pretty dumb to pay money for getting the misadvantage of an aggressive child. I think thats understandable. ^^

Games should be for fun. A bit of frustration from now and then, when not acchieving your goals, and as long as you mostly have fun with a certain game. But the moment a kids sits in front of his computer and yells "That he will bomb that *peep* *peep* lamer, and that they are all *peep* *peep* ...." specially in a Multiplayergame, when he yells at real humans, it was done for me. I play now some Shooting games myself from time to time, with my partner and friends, but whenever I hear about 23:00 in the evening, a little boys voice, cursing worse then an experienced pimp on the voice, I am really wondering myself.

I am absolutely not into "no media" but I agree with that "media fitting to age and development". There are tons of good games out there, as well for younger ones.

Did you know that you can download game demos on PS3 and even Nintendo 3DS, some of which have violence? Did you know that there are violent games and videos you can access on your cellphone?

So yeah, then you'll also have to take away portable game systems, force him to use a dumbphone while his peers make fun of him, and you'll have to keep him from visiting friends' houses where they play violent games, keep him away from arcades, and that's what I meant by making him Amish.

Except his friends at school will still have portable games where you blow people's faces off and he'll watch porn and violence on their phones. You can't HIDE that sort of media from a child anymore. You need to give them the right set of values and shield their psyche to deal with it.

And I believe a solid martial art or some other sport they like is a way to do it. It is a psychological anchor.

Sorry, I'm not going to give up on setting boundaries for my child just because "nobody else does it." We did get DS a "dumbphone" (less because of the restrictions and more because we and many, many, many other parents can't afford it) and the type of friend who makes fun of a kid because their technology isn't "cool" is worth losing.

It's not a losing battle - we did just fine; restrictions work for us. DS has now earned the right to use certain games (we do have other issues with gaming not having to do with violence, but we're working through those.)

It's really Not Cool to use the Amish as an insult like that. It is equivalent to saying, "That's so gay!" or bringing in any other entire group to make a point. I suspect no one here would appreciate it if someone was using the term autistic in an insulting way like that.

I agree with this. It doesn't even have to be particularly violent games, my youngest will end up acting out terribly over nonviolent, entirely kid safe games sometimes, and I've been trying to figure out how to express to him what I feel is wrong about it, and this is it exactly.

Sorry if this is side-tracking this thread a bit but I have to agree with MiahClone and say you should take a page from Drake & J. Cole's book
http://hypetrak.com/2013/07/j-cole-writ ... ve-lyrics/

The Amish are well-known for shielding themselves from the outside world. It is not an insult but fact and an integral part of their culture. The only one associating the Amish with something negative here is you.

And I find that quite funny. Thanks for the laugh

No, so I play computer games, but never would I have the idea to download a game, thanks for that great news. ^^ Yop sure he can download a game. Just as I could have simply bought a game by my own money, as a younger. But when it comes to consoles or computer, then this is normally played on a screen that you see regularly and when it comes to handhelds, you simply check the games, and if you tell your child that he is allowed to have a handheld, as long as he doesnt play certain games, and he downloads them, when not allowed to do so, then he seems not to be interested in having a handheld console. So if he is not interested in being allowed to have a handheld console, you simply take it and sell it to somebody else.



No you dont force him to have a dumbphone. Beside that an 8 year old really doesnt need an I-phone or such stuff. But when he is older, you buy him a phone and tell him, that he is allowed to have one, as long as he accepts certain rules. And then you control from now and then, if he does accept that certain rules. And if he does not accept the rules, that are parts of him being allowed to have a smartphone, then you simply take it from him and sell it to someone else that is interested in being allowed to have a smartphone. Not you are dooming him to be an amish. He is doing that himself, by not following the rule, that would allow him to have certain games or consoles. If I allow my kid to have a smartphone under certain conditions, and he ignores that, then he is the one causing him to have no smart phone, because of im obvious not being able to handle it yet.

No, thats not cruel. Its not about food or medication, we are talking about fun items. And yes, there is nothing wrong, to have rules for it, and take them away, if your kid simply is not being able to follow that rule. If you buy your kid a bike, and he uses it to drive in the living room, when part of the rule was "not driving in the house" you simply take the bike away again. With computer and consoles its the same.

What dumb things other parents do, you are not responsible for.

Edit: About the martial arts club, I only can agree with that, but would care to have one that is really into martial arts including the philosophy behind it, and not one of that "We show you enlargen your penis, by breaking wood." clubs. A good martial atrts club is working on focusing, increasing concentration, calming down and so on. Have been in one as well for some time. While I think that Judo is as fitting as Karate, so you are supposed to have soft mats on the floor anyway, and the first things you learn is correct falling without hurting yourself. So a good martial arts club is about the complete opposite, then getting aggressive. Its a good combination of sports and lots of condition training, of learning to defend yourself, and when its a good club as well learning WHEN you should defend yourself. (When there is no other way left.) Its less about fighting. So had a classcomerade that was into Judo, that took me with him two times (About 70% I did in that two lessons, beside general sport for condition, was about correct falling. ^^), in upper school I had some time Karate in the evening (Beginner class: About 50% general sports for condition, stretching and strength. ^^), and a friend of mine was into an I think corean one. I wouldnt say, that there is much difference about if it fits for a child or not, that depends anyway much more on the trainer and his influence. So I´d simply go for what he likes best.

Lets go back to the post talking about how games made the poster feel and act. When a child sees that connection, he understands why there are restrictions. Sure, the part of him that doesn't have self control over all his desires will make him rebel, but another part accepts it. In an ideal world he'd exercise self-control on the issue once he understood the connection, but it really isn't that simple. That is where parents step in with boundaries, rules, guidance and instruction.

A kid who desperately wants something may find a way around, but when he shares the goal he doesn't have that drive. All he needs is enough boundary to stop the early urge and reinforce what is being worked towards. If the problem is deeper, you will know from the level of drive to get around the boundary, and you reasses then.

I'm an adult and I have issues with control over my media. I am drawn to interactions that are interesting in the short term, but that draw me in to darker places long term. I know how this feels on the other side. I block sites from myself and delete apps from my phone, and then go back and forth with it. It isn't easy, and you can't expect a young child to assume that responsibility. It is our job as parents to recognize the patterns they can't and set the boundaries they don't know how to. We make their worlds as safe as possible for growing and learning. It is in the job description. We as parents talk about how to find the right places to set the lines so as not to hinder growth, and try to figure out what they should look like, but that they need to get set at times is a given.

I could be wrong, but I think the kid version of the war game you're referring to at the end of your post might be "Skylanders." I see them everywhere these days.