New Stepmom to an AS/AD Child, in a little over her head..

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I just need some advice, I feel like I'm doing everything right but yet it yields very little results..
I guess I'll jump into it, My fiance is a wonderful, caring father; but he's having issues coping with the fact that his 8 yr old son has AS.
I wasn't made aware of this until I moved in with him, and noticed some behaviors in lil' dude myself, when I confronted him on these things; i.e. lack of focus (or only focus on the EXACT things the child wanted to talk about), panic over physical connections (he hates hugs =( ), almost no social skills to speak of, rage fits, zoning out to the degree of it feeling like no one else is on his planet, etc. He gets frustrated, him and his ex wife had taken him to a few doctors and behavioral therapists, tried some medication, but he just got worse. It's like he's a completely normal 8 yr old for a few hours a day, and then reverts, or gets intense migranes to the point of becoming physically ill.

I'm an artist, so at first he would stand by my studio door and watch me paint, so as a surprise and attempt to bond, I bought him some art supplies. He loved it, the sketch pad and pencil box never left his side... for 3 months... And now we're back at square one. He's constantly back talking me, faking being ill to get out of basic chores, tells me I should leave and let his mother come back (she abandoned them both, and has only recently made attempts to see him, maybe for 2 hours every other week or so, I had nothing to do with the separation) ... I always try to stay positive, and not react harshly to the mean things he says, I understand that with AS even small changes can be a huge deal, and that a divorce is an enormous deal, even for a "normal" kid. I'm simply at wits end, I personally cook for him, I don't let him have much sugar (absolutely no sodas, very very little sweets) I try watching his favorite movies with him, I make science and geography quizzes for him, teaching him to ride a bike, anything he asks me, I answer honestly for everything... but it just feels like every 2 steps forward, he hates me 4 steps back.. I mean, I'm only 23, and I feel like I'm failing him and at life by not being a good enough superhero..

I would love to have you for a step-mom.

Even we birth mothers sometimes feel the way you do. You are doing the right thing in coming here so that you can get feedback and support. Raising a kid on the spectrum can be very challenging. But it also has moments in which the rewards are so profound they feel life-changing.

You don't need to be a superhero. You mostly just need to be consistent and predictable. And compassionate. And if you can be consistent and predictable in good ways, then you will be more than a superhero to him. If you can be consistently and predictably compassionate, you will be the kind of guide and mentor that he needs in his life.

My hat is off to you. I know for certain I wouldn't have been able to do it at 23. But I have seen women do a remarkably wonderful job at your age.

Stick around here. There are plenty of people who will help.

It sounds like he was doing pretty well with adjusting to the new family dynamic until his mother reappeared. He is probably feeling really confused and lashing out at you because you may be safer to lash out at than his mother. He may be worried his mother will pull a disappearing act again if he directs his anger/ feelings of rejection/ confuse at her (the rightful target), so you are getting it.

It sounds like you are doing great. He seems to be having very normal behavior for the situation he finds himself in. He probably feels really insecure and that is part of the regression. But, his behavior is behavior any neuro typical kid I know would be displaying in the same circumstances. It is really hard to enter an existing family dynamic as a step mom. I gave my step father a really hard time when I was a kid. It sounds like you are really grounded and not taking it too personally. I think it will probably get a lot better with time.

Also, he may not get how much his behavior is impacting you. You may need to spell it out at a time when you are calm and in a really straightforward way. It may just not occur to him that your feelings may be hurt or he may be frustrating you.

Hang in there.

Thank you so much, I wish I could find his "THING" already.. He likes bugs very much, so I took him to the bookstore to pick up some Entomology books... When we get there, he wants nothing to do with it. Enjoys space, so I bust out the COSMOS Sagan DVDs (He speaks so slowly and clearly I thought it would be a good start), but no, he suddenly wants Adventure Time. I took him to his first skatepark, and quickly realized that coordination issues can be part of AS.... it was an event. I always get the "You get an A for effort!" from my other half, but it feels like I'm just shy of making a breakthrough, because he has fun and laughs and smiles at first, then it's meltdown time...

This afternoon I started working on a day-to-day routine chart for him, basics 7:30 brush teeth/get dressed/etc, lunch, dog walk, reading time, yadda yadda. I'm hoping this might get some things better under control.

This is pretty normal of us on the spectrum, also seeing/thinking something that derails our initial interests, like you guys at the bookstore. He will most likely come back to those things so don't give them up. =) (I love Cosmos btw)

You'll not likely ever get a 'breakthrough' -there may not even be a breakthrough for Aspies- it's just a long bumpy road, but you will keep finding ways to miss the potholes after you've run through them a few times.

Mostly want to second InThisTogether. P

Also, not all ASD kids will have a single special interest, and with many kids it can take a lifetime to find their thing.

One biggie is to watch for overload. ASD kids tend to need more quiet time doing nothing than most kids, and need some ways to calm themselves (usually repetitive motion). Remember that just because he likes and enjoys something, does not mean he is processing it well.

And read. Then read some more. This is a great place for that. Knowledge and options are power.

Good luck and welcome.

I agree with all that has been said. It is going to take time, and he will likely respond the way a younger child would (or worse) at any upheaval/change etc. that comes his way. His mother popping in and out at will, is not helping, and it is going to be hard.

My son has a few special interests. Some of them rotate in and out, some stay constant. He may not have one special interest, or he may find the special interest that rules them all. As long as you encourage the interests and help him (assuming they are safe, of course) he'll do fine, and he will grow to appreciate you. Believe me, so few people want to humor their interests, that he will eventually know to value that, even if he does not express it.

Stepmom, Shmepmom. I'm a natural born dad and I'm not doing any better.

Just keep trying your best and listen to the advice of the fine folks on this forum and you can't go wrong.

LOL, yes, natural mother here, and at almost age 12 some things are actually worse than they used to be. Great advice on this thread, mainly maybe try to look at things more along the lines of how did you handle the last 5 minutes, rather than is what you're doing going to create some kind of bond and breakthru. The best thing I think is a lifelong relationship with you where you minimize your anger, try to stay calm, explain things, role play, be understanding, try to head things off before they happen, find things to praise, and tell him you're so glad and so lucky that he came into your life.

As he gets older help him try different things that might be related to what he'll want to do for work one day. Watch out for damaging social interaction but it's going to happen at some point, even to NT kids. If you and his dad can be trustworthy to him (not making him cry, not punishing him too much, making him feel safe and supported) then that will go a long way toward helping him have a good life even if things get weird with social groups.

It's not easy! Find time for yourself, meditate, take baths, work out, whatever works.

The others have mentioned great things so far.

Something they haven't mentioned though: You are NT, and therefore you are trying to treat him as an NT parent or would treat an NT child. This won't really work - because obviously, he isn't NT. He has a parent. Whether his mother is in the picture or not, he does not need another parent - or at very least he doesn't need to be parented in the NT fashion - he needs someone who understands him and who will act as more of a guide and a mentor.

While this must seem very confusing to you, he doesn't really want to be treated like a child or talked down to. He may seem immature at times, and have bad executive functioning skills - but it is a mistake to assume that because his physical and emotional standards are not up to where you expect them to be, that his mental standards are also below average too - actually his mental standards may be far beyond what you expect for his age.

Basically this means that he wants to be treated as an equal. So I get you are probably thinking "What the hell, but he is a child!". Well, yes, he is a child. But he doesn't see it that way. As far as he is concerned, you are a human being, and he is a human being too. End of story. Which means he expects to be treated equally as another human being. Often this means letting him do as much as he can by himself and only stepping in when necessary. At times there may be obvious executive dysfunctioning issues that he needs help with - or better yet, you can help find a coping solution with him that he can implement on his own (with a little help at first if necessary - and teach him how to find his own solutions by example). This also means that when he doesn't understand why to do something - it is very important that you give him a very clear, extremely logical and incredibly specific explanation for why he needs to do something (one that doesn't rely on social hierarchy, because he will never understand that), and let him decide for himself. Usually kids with ASC do not follow instructions because they are not clear, they are not logical, or they are too abstract. But they will also not follow them if they are simply based on the old "because I said so" chestnut, or because you refuse to present them with a clear explanation and facts (and possible consequences of what they choose) and let them make their own decision - refuse to respect their autonomy and rights as a human being, and their choices and you will only get what many call "oppositional and defiant behaviour" - ti isn't really at all, it's usually them trying to get their own parents to respect their basic rights.

For most of them, if you give them as much as they can handle, they deal with it very well as long as they have both the facts and explanations, and with enough time to get used to it, they become usually more capable than NT kids when it comes to making their own choices and dealing with the consequences. They learn best by making their own choices and experiencing the consequences first hand.

While support is necessary, you do not want to hold their hand or coddle them.
And good job at trying this at 23. It is not easy, that is for sure. I have 4 nephews/ nieces, one with ASC and another with ADHD. Dealing with them at this age isn't the easiest thing to do.

A lot of his behavior sounds more like typical 'child dealing with divorce and stepparents' kind of issues. A lot of children with divorced parents hope that their parents will get back together and they can all be a happy family again. A stepparent is like living proof that this dream is never going to happen.

He may like you as a person, but not like what you represent - the permanence of the divorce.

Like Kjas, I think you've got great answers/perspectives so far but will add to it.

Your situation sounds like mine, where I do good things only to get a negative reaction from my son. How to spell confusion!

My son interprets acts of encouragement as pressure really easily. He got a blue ribbon for a piece of artwork, and I praised it so much he refused to do art for a few years. He is quite talented. Also, like others have said, his interests can vary. He doesn't meet that one criteria of the spectrum so actually I don't think he officially can be dxd as autistic any more. He's still an aspie, no question.

You are obviously very bright and have a huge heart for this boy. I want to suggest that you look into a gluten free diet for him if possible. My son is clearly irritated by gluten and oats (which has a different but obviously irritating protein). I heard from this board that this helps only 1/3 of ASD people, but it is absolutely worth the effort for us. We can tell immediately when my son has had some gluten. Makes life far less confusing, and my child much easier to deal with. He'll always be an aspie, but without the meltdowns, confusing behavior, and irritableness.

Hope this helps.