time limit on special interest, and forcing other activities

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HI all. My son almost age 12... How long do you suppose he should do his current special interest? Mostly it is playing Mine Craft but it's also watching Youtube videos of other people playing it. Here's a sample day, today actually:

Gets up at 11 AM. Comes out to the barn and finds me. Wanders around for a few minutes with me. Go back inside, he wants to go out for breakfast (we do this a lot), so I'm able to get him to brush his teeth, brush his hair and put on new clothes (usually hard, was easy to today.) We drive to Dennys. He socializes and does 45 minutes of science (reading passages, discussing, answering questions.) We drive to the ATM and he goes to it and does my deposit for me. We get home and he reads his novel for 30 minutes. He still has a math session to do and three chores. I don't care when he does them but no computer/video games and no recreational TV until he does them. He decides he wants to watch two episodes of Steven Hawking's Universe. Then he goes outside to do his chores - feeding and watering his cats and chickens, gathering eggs, helping me organize a storage shed. Takes an hour total. We come in, he does his math activity, takes 45 minutes. Then it's about 4 PM. He's not hungry. He gets on his computer. He stops to eat at 9 PM when we have dinner. He takes his medicine. He gets back on for fifteen minutes.

So that's about 5.5 hours on the computer. Most days he also has karate class or swimming, so there is more physical activity. On the days he has karate he gets on the computer AFTER he's home, so he usually only stays on 2 or 3 hours. He's off at 10:30 nightly regardless of when he got on. Most days like today when he did a bunch of stuff right off the bat in a row and he's allowed to get on sooner, I get him off after a couple hours and do something else, and then he can usually get back on. He's usually asleep by 11 PM.

So my question: most people I talk to think it's really bad of me to let him stay on the computer for 5 hours, like today. Frankly I look at it this way. He doesn't enjoy much else. He very willingly did all that was asked of him today. I had nothing special planned and was actually a bit glad of the break from him that him being on the computer provides me. He has been doing great on the computer, laughing, not getting frustrated, no huge tantrums when it's time to get off. No meltdowns in a week. So I didn't see a reason to curtail it today. How long do your kids do their special interest? If there is nothing else he likes to do, trying to send him outside to play or whatever other activity would only have caused him to scream... I could have, and sometimes do, say he's been on too long and there is still too much of the day left and that he needs to get off for a while and do something else to "earn" more time but that's usually more school work or a chore, not playing in some other fashion. Like if I say he has to get off for a while and watch a movie with the family, he would flip out. So I'm saying it seems to make sense to him to get off and do some sort of work type thing to earn back more time, but it doesn't make sense to him that if I'm going to let him do something recreational, I'm going to dictate what type of recreation it has to be.

Now I'm sort of switching into a slightly different topic - do you force family time activities that the kid doesn't want to do? My husband wants us, or at least my son, or at least one of us, to watch movies with him on his days off. I mostly hate the movies he wants to watch but my son often likes them when he watches them... but the only way I can get him to watch them is to have it be something he's allowed to do when he's not allowed to do his computer stuff. I do from time to time tell him he's been on too long and sometimes then he'll choose to watch a movie with my husband. But my husband seems to think I should schedule it in and that he needs to do it like a chore. I happen to think that a 12 year old kid regardless of whether he's on the spectrum or not is not going to want to have stuff like that forced. But then I do read about families that have "family movie night" where that's what they do whether the kids would prefer something else or not. I am so so so so happy that my son is suddenly spending time alone in his own room instead of freaking out if I leave the room and following me around like a golden retriever puppy nonstop that I'm inclined to not force any sort of "family night." But maybe I'm missing the boat on that one. We do often have "family dinner out" or family time at the movie theater... But when we're here, and he has free time, he'd never choose watching a movie with us if he could be on his computer instead.

When it's not computer time yet my son will often play video games with my husband, but if I announce that he's done whatever he was supposed to have done for the day already, he'll desert my husband for sure... and my husband gets mad or jealous or something. He apparently wants my son to choose activities with him over his special interest activity at least some of the time. And of course he won't - that's why it's the special interest. I don't get jealous or mad if he chooses it over me. I mostly breath a sigh of relief for some free time. But is that how it is for you too? If the special interest is currently allowed, that's for sure what the kid is choosing to do?

The point of "family movie night" is to do something together. I just read about you doing stuff together, so I think you are good on that front.

I think you're worrying too much about other peoples' judgment. Easy to do 'cause it seems we are never confident in ourselves as parents (doubly so if one of our kids isn't typical).

It's too bad it has to be Minecraft. We could all wish he had an obsession with solar panels or desalination plants or something useful . But Minecraft it is (along with my 6-year-old, his perfectly NT cousin, and a few million other people). What can I say-- my allegedly perfectly NT 11-year-old daughter has been watching Naruto since Saturday morning. Nonstop, other than falling asleep.

I think he's doing everything he needs to do-- school work, house work, time with you, even swimming or martial arts most days. Losing himself in Minecraft pleases and relaxes him-- when I was a teenager, I worked like a dog all week every week (between homework and housework there was no time to relax) just so I could spend all weekend holed up in my bedroom eating brownie batter, reading books, and rewatching MASH. Lots of people thought it wasn't a suitable activity for a teenage girl, but without it I would have gone completely insane.

A lot of it was about letting my brain wind down. I needed that. From my reading, that's what it's about for most of us; I am willing to bet he needs it too.

An autistic-- ANY autistic-- is not going to get that wind-down time interacting with someone else. Even if that someone is the mother who loves them unconditionally. Even if that someone is their best friend on God's green Earth.

Five hours of Minecraft is doing no harm. I imagine as he gets older he will have more classwork and other responsibilities and less free time (seems to be the way life goes), at least if you plan on him being indepentently functional that is inevitable (by the time I was 16, I had a full public school college-track course load, all the housework, yard work, care of the animals, and getting meals ready to be cooked-- it was just me and my dad, and he worked 6 12-hour days almost every week). That will take care of teaching him that adults can't spend 5.5 hours a day on Minecraft (though my husband sure tries to prove that statement wrong on Kongregate-- and he's a perfectly NT high-wage-earning professional ).

And, yes, I spent weekends alone in my room watching MASH and eating brownie batter...

...and still managed to make a few friends, get married, and have a pack of kids. A feat I might not have managed without time for my brain to cool off.

Tell you husband to put his insecurities in a bag, because you are right-- family activities that are forced, are resented. Not enjoyed. They do not make families close-- they make family members eager to get out of the house. You cannot get "quality time" doing something that one party actively does not want to do. It would never have occurred to my dad to try that, or to my husband, or to me.

It would have occurred to my in-laws-- and I note that all four of their kids live at least 1,000 miles away from them. Two of them seldom call home-- actually one of them hasn't spoken to them in seven years now. My mother-in-law just told me yesterday that she feels closer to me than to the girls she raised.

If he's doing everything he needs to do, let him play. Like you said-- it wasn't that long ago he managed to separate from you without melting down. So he is growing and progressing-- maybe not in the exact same manner and direction as Mr. and Mrs. Norman Normals' children, but nobody knows what actually goes on behind the Normals' front door (and, quite frankly, other than the idiot media, nobody cares).

Save yourself some grief-- stop talking to the people who are giving you s**t about your son's computer habits. They don't get it, don't want to get it, aren't going to get it. You are doing right IMO; so don't invite grief from a bunch of clueless people.

Based on the fact that you said your husband wants someone (you or your son) to watch movies with him makes me think this is his need not something he thinks is more healthy for your son. That is a big issue. I would bite the bullet and watch movies with him sometimes (alternating who picks the movie, though) to get your son a reprieve.. It is not your son's job to be your husband's playmate.

If your husband wants to spend time with him so much he should play Minecraft or whatever with him sometimes, too; Then ask him to watch movies. He needs to model reciprocity if he wants his son to exhibit it. Just b/c he is an adult doesn't mean he doesn't have to model reciprocity.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!! What she said! What she said!!

One of the other things we teach with my son's special interest is the concept of "earning." He has to earn his time (also videogames) by doing his work: chores, homework, etc. We frame it so that this doesn't look like punishment - I explain to DS that when he's an adult, he will be expected to do his work in order to get both the resources and the free time to do what he wants.

The amount of time is highly individual to the kid involved: I agree that five hours seems like a lot of time from the outside, but I can see where it might be necessary or helpful in some situations. You are fairly isolated, right? If there aren't a lot of other options besides socializing with his family, and there aren't other resources he likes (for instance, trips to the library help us out a lot) then it may well be that he needs this amount of time.

From the sound of things, I think the circumstances surrounding your son's special interests are fine. I do like the idea of your husband making his overtures to your son by playing some Minecraft/learning more about the special interest himself....in some cases, the belief that children will lose interest in something if their parents like it, too (like in the "Pokemon" episode of South Park, if you've ever seen it) is a fallacy....I'm usually overjoyed when my parents (or anyone else, for that matter) express a genuine interest in the things I love, no matter how unusual they are.

I think "family time" should involve everyone in it. I do think it's important because we live in a world where we are so disconnected with one another. Family time does not mean parents get to dictate a recreational activity. All members need to have a say and learn to appreciate someone else's interests. For example, it's ok to watch a movie you don't like with dad, as long as next time, he does the things YOU like and your SON likes. Take turns. It's all about spending quality time together and loving one another.

I've already told my son that when he becomes an adult (and moves out of the house) "Sunday" will be "family day". Of course, in reality, we'd have to choose a day in the week that works for everyone - but a day that is expected every week. I see my family, probably 3-4 times per year. We're disconnected and I don't want that cycle to continue with my son.

As far as - is it too much time? Crap. We ALL spend too much time doing certain things sometimes - my mom sews A LOT, my sister smokes A LOT, I listen to music A LOT.. and it's ok (minus the health concerns, of course). As long as your son's life is balanced with other activities (which he is) and has opportunity throughout the week to be social (which he is), then the odd time throughout the week spending excessive time on the computer is not a big deal to me. Also, he's 12 (like my son), it's normal for him to NOT want to spend so much time with mom and dad. I don't think you should schedule family time on a daily basis. I used to have "family games time" - 1 hour everyday for years .. and then I got SO SICK OF GAMES. Now, we haven't done that much at all .. we'll have our family outtings (he still loves that) and I suppose that's what the weekends are for.

Thanks all. I totally agree with the forcing family time issue. My son likes to spend family time with me and my mom because we can agree on an activity and we are somewhat flexible. We might watch an episode of Adventure Time and then we'll watch an episode of Downton Abbey or House Hunters International. He actually likes those shows but doesn't often want to watch them on his own - part of him liking them is knowing we like them too. But my dad and my husband will ONLY watch sports (my dad) or old movies and old video games (my husband.) They make fun of his interests (newer shows, never video games.) They will very very rarely do anything with him that he actually wants to do.

My husband especially is on my last nerve regarding things he thinks are acceptable and OK and things he thinks are not. Any old video game from his day is good. Any old movie is good. New stuff is not good. It's infuriating and I've let him know to just keep his mouth shut if all he can do is talk crap on the stuff my son likes. The huge majority of times my son has said to him excitedly something like "guess what level I got to in my new game" he has said "that game is not great, you should be playing this other game instead." You all might remember my husband issues thread. I'm about at my rope's end.

My son is actually a real love bug and would love to spend more time with us, and he can be flexible, more so than my husband or my dad for sure. But they choose to make him feel bad about his choices. I can tell you this - when I was 12, I was experimenting with sex and drugs and vandalism. There is not much about my son and his life that I think I should try to make him feel bad about. And what I hate is when I've made a decision to let him be on the computer for x number of hours and one of them says something negative to him about it. It's my decision, and do not undermine me, and do not make my son feel bad about something I gave him PERMISSION to do. Infuriating. And yes, I've said this to them, many many times. I mainly try to keep my son as separate from those two people as much as possible, and my dad does not care, but my husband gets lonely and jealous. I don't really have sympathy for him. I'll post a new topic on two things that happened. UGH!