Diagnosed with Aspergers at 18

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Hello, my son was diagnosed a few months ago as Aspergers (age18). It was both a relief to have a diagnosis that made sense and explained a lot, but also very upsetting to realize he's missed all those school years where he could have been gaining skills and coping mechanisms.

He is very intelligent but not able to function independently. He is characteristically like a 10 or 12 year old socially/emotionally. He cannot organize his life well enough to go to college or earn a trade, he has very poor short term memory and is impulsive/easily manipulated. We are so worried about him. We are getting him help so he can learn coping mechanisms and life skills, hoping he will be able to wok toward meaningful independence and career satisfaction.

My question is- how do we best support him, and how do you tell someone they shouldn't do or can't do certain things, until their maturity catches up? For example, he thinks he is going to go to alaska next summer to hike the wilderness like Chris mccandlass, with nothing but a backpack. He can't even was his own clothes, brush his teeth or remember his work schedule without assistance. I'm so worried about this impulsivity and safety--- an 18 year old can make a lot of bad decisions..... Loans, credit cards, traveling bad being taken advatage of, etc. (he impulsively got two huge tattoos the minute he turned 18 - ).

Any advice is welcome. Thanks!

Well, this for sure is coming from another 18 year old here, but I think you should find him a therapist who has much knowledge about autism. I have my own therapist and she helps me out well.
And as for telling him what can and cannot do, just simply tell him. If he gets out of hand about it, do your best to be patient.
I'm sure there are better answers than what I just posted, but I hope the second thing will help a bit.

In my family theres my low functioning autistic sister (She's gradually becoming higher functioning.) and me (high functioning aspie.) and usually the best way we learn excecutive funct is a very low pressure enviroment, and when people don't oggle us when we finally DO do the executive funct things we usually dont. Like, when I was young, the only reason I didn't do the excecutive stuff, was because it became a habit, and everyone expected me to perform the habit. I was afraid to do them because I didn't want all the attention. I could perform them fine, nobody knew it though. In fact, most the time I would even do them in secret because I was sick of having my parents do things for me. I could do all of them, I just felt bound by the expectations of those around me. It was simply the fear of what would happen in the transition. My mom even thought I couldn't do half the things I didn't do.
My sister is the same way. Shes afraid of responsibility because she hates the attention that comes with it.
So that's my understanding of lack of excecutive functioning. It may be that your son is perfectly capable of what it seems hes not. Well, there will be things that he hasn't done that he may have trouble with, but things he's seen done over and over, he should be able to do. The trick is to be VERY hands off, and even attention off. See if you can give him the opportunites to do these things himself, and pretend not to notice or not be around. If he feels what he does will be noticed later on, it will also influence his decision. If you pretend to be casual and non-noticing, it will help. But if you get the opportunity to see him perform then that would give you the cue of what's going on. Just... you know... pretend not to notice a thing.
So a strategy that might work would be to very casually tell him to do something he's not used to doing. Say it like he's done it his whole life, like you said brushing your teeth was an issue. That's pretty easy to do. He will most likely initially reject the idea in a defensive manner. This is okay. If he DOES do it that's even better. Just don't praise him, don't address the fact he's doing something new, or alter your behavior.
So once that is over, leave opportunities for him to do it himself without you asking or addressing it. Infrequently ask him to do so in the same manner every once in a while. Don't do it too frequently or he'll feel too much pressure and develope a habit of saying no. All of this while acting very casual about his inability to do so.

Anyway, this should be a fairly risk-free attempt to solve the problem. I know you weren't asking to solve the problem, but I just felt the need to give a bit of info if he's really now 18.
Because the whole point is you don't want to emphasize his disabilities, because that's most likely the cause of it all.
Not saying your probably putting a lot of emphasis on faults and being a bad parent, but just a little emphasis is enough.

Anyway, I'm an 18 yr old aspie. Hope that helps. Know that I don't ABSOLUTELY know this is the solution for your son, it just was for me.

Wow Dannyboy271 that was very interesting. Thanks for posting it. And LoverOfDragons, it can definitely be easier hearing things from a therapist than from a parent!

For Crazymonkey, I know, it's really scary. He might surprise you though. My son (almost 12) can do more when I'm not around. I've just started having him walk to the library after karate class. At home or around me he can't get from room a to room b with any sort of coherent memory of why he's changing locations or what he's supposed to be doing. But he can walk from karate to the library and he can pack his karate stuff up in his bag and take it with him and he's even better at crossing the road when I'm not around. (I know because I spied on him the first time...) I know when I'm around my own mom I'm lazier about stuff - I even notice that I'm a worse driver when she's in the car with me, almost like I revert back to being a less intelligent adult when I'm around her.

So I guess don't worry too much. I'm sure there is enough actual stuff that's happening to actually worry about. Maybe he'll agree to practice something little before he goes off and does something big, and maybe he'll discover on his own that he can't handle what he thought he could. Maybe he even knows he can't go to Alaska but he likes to talk as if he can. If he practices something little like going on a day hike by himself, you might see that he's more capable when out away from parental influence, and that might reassure you. Maybe send him to one of those backwoods adventure things with camp counselors - let him know you want to just give him a gradual exposure so he'll learn some skills.

I'm sure if you ever really really had to, you could just tie your continued support of him to him following rules about what you think is safe or not safe for him, but that can be so hard - not making him mad, trying to be supportive but firm, allowing him to blossom if possible but also protecting him. And at that age he might just take off. I guess if he's really incapacitated you could get a guardianship thru the court maybe? We've been down that route for older family members who have psychological issues but I don't know anything about it for kids on the spectrum who are reaching adulthood. But it could really damage your relationship if it isn't really warranted. It's definitely not an easy spot to be in. Reminds me of when an older parent starts to get dementia. It's such a balancing act getting them what they need, keeping them safe, not angering them too much.

Well the suck part, depending on where you live (especially in the US), there's not much for adults with Aspergers.

My husband was diagnosed at 50, and there is literally nothing for adults in our area. All that stuff parents talk about, is done with the pediatric population.

The other problem is, your son is legally an adult.. You can't make him get services if he isn't willing. Doctors aren't even required to talk to you, especially if they do not have your son's permission.

My friend had her son diagnosed at 17. She went to an attorney for guardianship. She handles his finances and medical issues. I believe it is easier if the person is still a minor durin the process.

There are different types of guardianship. You can have as much or little control as you need. You can revoke it. Minimum you want is the right to help guide is medical care. Remember HIPPA laws are strict, and some doctors will not give you any information.

My husband's social skill are very similar to your son's. He makes huge plans, but it is all fantasy thinking because his executive functioning skill are crap.

Good luck.

My family all had poor executive functioning skills - and started using technology very early on to support us.

Right now, I use a google calendar with audible alarms synced to every device I have. I put anything I'm likely to forget on it - bill paying, appointments, etc. In the immediate future, you might get your son a phone and a good belt clip and teach him to never put it down (with my son, it goes in the clip, in his hands, or in the charging station. Period.

The second advantage to that is most phones have GPS tracking capabilities in the event that he gets lost in the woods or something - and at very least, he can call you for help.

I agree that finding a therapist who specializes in autism will be helpful - he may not believe you, but he's likely to take it in if another professional concurs. He is an adult at this point (right?) so that may go better if you give him a list of professionals and help him choose one, rather than choosing one for him.

When my son decides he wants to do something preposterous (he's only 12,) I usually talk out the worst-case scenarios and ask him what his plan is to handle those situations. He's very logical, so if I can show him that there's more to it than he thinks, he'll usually go along. I also, often, try taking baby steps towards whatever it is he wants to do, because sometimes he does surprise me and is more capable than I thought he'd be. For instance, you could try having him do an overnight camping trip somewhere more local, and be two or three campsites away to see how he does.

Thanks to all who replied. Your suggestions, insight and experiences are much appreciated.

I am sorry to hear it took so long to get a diagnosis

We've been very happy with the services our son has gotten through speech therapy, since they work on pragmatics and other skills, so that is something you should consider adding.

Since your son is 18, you don't have a lot of choices for stopping him from hiking Alaska, but you can help him prepare. Has he ever snow camped? Do back country back packing? What is his experience level as a hiker and camper and who (if anyone) is he planning to go with?

My son (16) lacks so many skills that affect daily life living in the modern world, but he almost seems to be a different person when he is alone with nature. Deodorant isn't important backpacking, but setting your tent in the right spot is, and the later skill he has down somehow while, deodorant is something he forgets more than remembers. He can't run our dishwasher (doesn't know what soap to use), but he was in charge of equipment, set up and meals for 40 people at the National Scout Jamboree and by all accounts did an impressive job. I don't get it, I probably never will. It isn't as simple as wanting to remember, I've got war stories that prove that to me; its just typical ASD doesn't make sense stuff.

I've had to let go of my worries so many times. We can't keep our kids from living, nor should we. Everything with Boy Scouts and high adventure that my son does freaks me out, but it is so essential to his being, to him feeling centered and happy in this world, that I have to shut my fears out. But, it isn't like I bury my head in the sand. You do your best to give them what they need and make sure they have the right tools and skills to pursue their dreams.

And when you know, really know, that they don't have those skills - which certainly happens - you find an example that really drives home the point to them, so that they finally see it through your eyes and understand what they are missing.

Pick your battles. Overpaying for a car because of naïve negotiating skills? Its only money. Not your concern. But going back country? Make sure he has some skills specific to the dream.

I agree with the others who recommend a therapist.

Also, it sounds like he does not necessarily grasp all of the things that are required for, say, a trip to Alaska. It might help if you helped him make a list of all the necessary components so that he 1)will have a better understanding of what such a trip entails and 2)can set learning goals for himself. Perhaps one day, he will be ready to take that trip. In the meantime, these are all good skills for him to have.

Charts, graphs, and lists can be very helpful to many of us. Presenting the data about trip components in such a way could also help him understand and accept WHY he should not go now. Learning to think this way before making a decision may not be easy, but as with anything else, practice can only help.

Wasn't this guy that your son is looking up to, the one that went up to Alaska totally unprepared and then slowly and painfully starved to death in a completely avoidable way? Hate to say scare the kid, but maybe look it up and give him the agonizing details of what happens to a person when they starve to death? It's not a way I want to go. I suppose freezing to death might be a little easier passing, but almost freezing to death and surviving can be pretty horrific with frostbite injuries requiring amputations. My impression of Alaska is that it is a place where nature, while beautiful, is still quite capable of DEMANDING respect and killing anyone who forgets that.

Even an NT 18 year can be totally unrealistic in their expectations and belief in their invulnerability. I'd actually expect an AS person to possibly be more reasonable, if presented with all the facts.

I'd be blunt.

"Honey, you can't do your own laundry/cook your own dinner/control your own temper. If you can't do those things, you sure as Hell can't ______________________."

It worked on me. I have no self-confidence, no self-respect, no self-esteem, no self-anything else (other than a lot of self-hate for having been fool enough to attempt the things I have in life).

However, I also have no criminal record and have not starved to death in Alaska.

To Hell with the kid's feelings. You are doing him-- and in the long run, his feelings, too-- a lot more favors by being blunt.

I didn't mean scare him of life like that. More to scare a bit of healthy respect for the danger he'd be putting himself in, if he decided to march off alone into the Alaskan wilderness with no food and no skills. Not to say he could never go hike in the Alaskan wilderness, just to make sure that makes realistic plans for it.

I'm 34 and I still make these wild plans. I have people around me who ground me back down to reality by pointing out the risks and skills needed. Sometimes it really is something I want to do, and I put in the effort to learn the skills and plan for the risks. Sometimes it was just something that I liked to daydream about, and as long as I admit to myself that daydreaming is all the effort I am willing to put into it, then that is okay, too.

This boy is 18, and according to his mother has no concept of the risks in what he is proposing or the skills needed to accomplish it. Sometimes you need to be a little harsh with the facts to get through that teenage sense of invulnerability. Maybe this is something he really wants to do and he'll face those harsh risks and do what it takes to learn the skills he needs. Maybe he'll decide he doesn't wasn't want to put in that effort and it'll be a daydream

My son is 28 and was just diagnosed. I am, as my nickname says a lost mom. I don't know how or what to do to help him. Can someone refer me to get the basics on Asperger's on this site? He also has Major Depression and has had suicide attempts in the past.

There are two posts stickied at the top of this site that you should take a look through: suggested reading and parenting index.

There is also an e-book by one of our members that is helpful as an introduction - keep in mind it's geared towards parents of children, but it should give you an overview: http://www.asdstuff.com/grats.html