HELP!! !! !! !! !! UGH!! !! HOW DO I STOP THE BULLYING?!?!?

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Hi all!!

I am a mother of a 10 year old Aspie son. And let me tell you....I am just about at my wit's end. My son, Casey, is CONSTANTLY being bullied, ridiculed and verbally abused. I have been to COUNTLESS conferences with teachers, counselors, principals, vice principals and staff. I have requested conferences with the 'offending' children's parents, but have been denied due to confidentuality laws. I will say that the school has been WONDERFULLY supportive. They have an absolute ZERO tolerence policy regarding bullying and have even brought the counselors and the school resource officer to Casey's class to discuss the harmful effects of this. It is always the same kids. I should also mention that Casey is in a large school ranging from Pre-K on up to 8th Grade. Sometimes the older kids are worse than the ones closer in age. I have done EVERYTHING possible to prevent some situations. I will not allow him to ride the school bus (the bus driver's responsibility is not to baby sit), I stopped him from attending the before and after school programs (it was happening ALOT then).

I also have an 8 year old son, Hunter, who is COMPLETELY OPPOSITE!! !! !! !! ! He is popular and extremely athletic. He is in baseball, rides his dirtbike and has a TON of friends. So, in some ways he gets 'punished'. Please don't take that wrong, I do not think Asperger's is a punishment. I am just trying to say that I try so hard to accomidate both of my boys' needs that inadvertently one of them does not like the decision I've made. Hunter is always sticking up for Casey (which I am sooo proud of), that in the process he will too get picked on in some cases.

I know I cannot be around Casey 24/7. I am very concerned about the irreversable damage these little heathens have on him (Lord, please forgive me for saying that!! !! !! !! !) All I can do is just keep on teaching right from wrong, and let him know that these kids' are not worth him agonizing over. I really just wish these parents would sit their kids' down and EXPLAIN how horrible this is!! !! !

I guess I ended up venting. Please let me know if you have had a similar experience, any suggestions and/or would like to vent with me. Take care!! !! !! !!

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This bothers me so much to read about your son Casey.

Do you live in an environment where, no matter what, your son will not be able to succeed with the kids who live nearby? By this I mean, if the environment is full of sports-minded, dirt-bike-riding boys, and Casey is a straight-A student, book-reading, rule-oriented good boy, he is never going to succeed in the environment he is living in. Could homeschooling be the answer?

We have lived in both environments. In fact, we live in both environments at the same time right now. In Pittsburgh, PA, football is king. Sports is all-important. BUT, at the same time, being smart (in our school district, at least) is also a good thing. So, elementary school has been hard for both of my boys, but high school seems to be OK because they seem to find the other smart, nonathletic kids. If that were not the case, then I would be homeschooling for sure, because without the smart bookish kids, there would never be any kids that my son could develop friendships with.

Kris

Welcome to WP!

Tim

I was severely bullied when I was in school and it is not something to be underestimated. One message that you may inadvertantly be sending is that there is nothing that anyone can do about this - since you have tried to get the school to stop, ect and it continues unabated. Another factor is Aspies tend to be very logical versus emotional regarding decisions (however I want to be clear that does not mean unemotional because most are extremely sensitive to bullying). But what I am talking about is how your son may ponder what his options are if he find the situation intolerable. If he isn't already he may become severely depressed. It is very wearing emotionally to have to deal with that day in and day out so be very observant as to any changes in his behavior. Also, it has to be difficult to see how his brother is accepted and he is rejected and can not participate in the same activities. Is there any way to send him to a different school or to homeschool him for a while. Or else you are going to have to make the school stop this and quit thinking they are really being cooperative or that they have a zero tolerance policy. If they really had one your son would not be bullied - and if he finally has enough and lashes out at any of these bullies he may be the one who gets punished under the zero tolerance rules many of these schools have.

My experiences with school, as a child, was non-stop bullying and brutalization as well. The only time that matters finally improved, was when my mother removed me, and my two sisters and brothers from public school and enrolled us in a smaller, private school. They were pretty strict there, and I felt safer and better able to concentrate on my studies.

The only other resort is to home school your son. In my experience, matters will not improve if they are allowed to continue as they are. It seems to be the lot of thousands of AS kids to go through this torture

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE BULLYING !....DO NOT UNDERSESTIMATE BULLYING !...DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE BULLYING !
ok, did i say it loud enough ? .....my son was the victim of severe and persistent bullying. we thought we did the best we could~contacted the school constantly, etc.....once he went to middle school & the bullying intensified, son's depression became worse. he became suicidal and started to act out. Anti-bullying laws now exist to protect your son. It is your duty to tell your school that they MUST protect your son ! If they cannot protect him, then let them know that you'll be contacting a lawyer.

You must fight the bully, only then will you be free of him.

Oh, I don't know, I think your description of "little heathens" was pretty charitable. I've called them much worse. At least it made me feel better. I'm more upset with the school administrator who said, when my kid was sent to the office, "and what did you do to bring it on?" I could cheerfully kill someone like that.

The other kids have no right to bully. Period. Your child has a right to a mainstream education (see the Americans with Disabilities act).

Children are cruel. That's a given. It isn't right, but it's the God's honest truth. A private school is sometimes the answer, but they are expensive, and sometimes they aren't that good (we had awful experiences with them).

The best thing you can do is be there when the kid is angry. Sometimes, like other children, they just want someone to talk to. You can go to school, make sure they understand that you are not buying the idea that your kid is totally the problem, and, as someone else said, bring up the L word.....but you'll have to find a good educational lawyer.

I do agree with Walk in the rain....
"Or else you are going to have to make the school stop this and quit thinking they are really being cooperative or that they have a zero tolerance policy. If they really had one your son would not be bullied - and if he finally has enough and lashes out at any of these bullies he may be the one who gets punished under the zero tolerance rules many of these schools have."

I can't tell you how many times we heard crap like that. However, you have all the power there, though the schools don't want you to know it. You are a tax payer and a parent. If the child has a diagnosis, then you are entitled by federal law to an Individual Education Plan (an IEP), which requires your approval, and carries the force of law. If you live in California, pm me, and I'll give you some resources (though we no longer live there).

My son survived the system. He is very bitter about it, but he's moved on, for the most part.

btdt

Alert the school system to this story: http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/BO40534/

And tell them thats what will happen there if they teachers and everyone else does not intervene. It would not be your son's fault either, he would just be standing up for himself, but the school would not feel that way.

Better yet alert the press to this story, if you are from a small town they will just sensationalize it and make the administators out to be unholy vampires (which they probably are). Though you are doing the right thing to begin with which is taking it serious. You might want to eventually go to bullypoliceusa.com (I think its .com if not check .org) and tell them about this, they will have alot of resources to help you. The last thing I would suggest is if all else fails look into a new school district...

_________________
"we never get respect ... never a fair trial
[swearing removed by lau] ... as long as we smile"
Im tired of smiling.

Vote for me in 2020

Hello caseysmom,

As many of the perents here will say, been there done that...

I do agree with some of the other posts, you do have options availible. The problem is the school will not jump thru hoops to help you.

Our son Cam was the target of constant bullying, both at school and in the neighborhood.

Finaaly after nearly daily calls to the school, the offending bully's parents, and even the school district office, we were able to get some relief.

ALL public schools are required to provide a safe environment for the children to learn in. This includes protection from bullies.

If it is the same two or three kids bothering your child, see if the school will adopt a "No contact contract" among the kids. What happens is the bully(ies) and your son are brought into the office and it is explained to all involved that they are not allowed to make any contact with each other on school property. This includes, shouting at, looking at, making faces at, talking to, etc. one another while at school.

If one of the kids does make contact, an automatic suspension is given to the offender.
Whether it is the bully or Casey, the suspension is given, and it should not be subject to appeal. In our case the bully was suspended for 5 days, and he had a difficult time making up his schoolwork.

To help protect Cam in the neighborhood, we had to use an extreme measure. We called the police and had assault chargres filed against the bully. In CA, assault is the verbal threat, and battery is the actual hitting.

Once the police report was filed, if the bully had bothered or hit Cam again, he would have been hauled off to juvenile hall, and had to appear in court. That would have been a large expense for his parents, so they finally kept him off our street for the most part.

Another tactic you might consider is the local ACLU. Since this could involve the ADA, and the harassment of a "special needs" child, they might jump on it. Then again they might not.

Whatever action you use, think thru it carefully. Even the best laid plans and intentions can backfire. But the most important thing here is Casey being able to have a calm and stress free school day. As it will make a difference in the rest of his day and time with the family.

I'd certainly agree that if a school says it has a "ZERO tolerance" of bullying but kids are still getting bullied during school, they are just saying empty words.

It's too bad that more people didn't get the police involved when their kids are assaulted at school.

Another idea which is good but I don't know if they do it in other countries besides Australia is "Adopt-A-Cop". The school body gets in touch with the local constabulary and they get a police person to come to the school regularly and get to know the children. That would head off some incidents, I'm sure.

Plus, the zero tolerance for bullying has to come from the head teacher down. If the head teacher treats their staff badly, then they are hardly going to do much about kids bullying each other.

God can I ever relate to this topic! I used to wish that instead of his mother I was my son's a-couple-years-older-sister so I could knock the snot out of the little savages who constantly tormented him. I have to commend most of the schools Steve attended. All but one had a true zero tolerance policy. In fact the high school (private) that he went to would spend a small part of a school assembly near the start of the year to discuss how to interact with all special needs students. Notheing was said about AS specifically the first year since Steve was not diagnosed until his second year, but when he was diagnosed we gave the school info and they disseminated it to the students.
Our neighborhood experience was not as good. We lived in the slackjawed, knuckle, dragging, inbred, white trash capital of the Midwest. For the most part the kids were products of their crack head, bar fly, brawling, welfare cheating parents who didn't give a turd what their devil spawn kids did as long as it didn't inconvenience them. We moved to a better neighborhood where the kids still tended to be mean sometimes (all kids do) BUT would stop when they caught holy hell from an adult who caught them at it.
I also tried to help my son by pointing out how his reacting to the threats and taunts helped to fuel them. I encouraged him to not react to them and not to beat himself up, but to come and vent to me. It was somewhat effective, though I sure got tired of hearing the same old thing.

I was severely bullied as an AS child. The effects of this remain with me still.
Remove him from this environment and seek out alternative schools.
You are trying everything you can work out, that is fantastic.
However until departments can offer your children a safe and secure environment
he should be placed where his abilities are validated.
I see very small differences between this and child abuse only word missing is sexual.
If this was happening he would be removed nice and quick. It is the same.
Robbing him of his self worth. The sub conscious effects are very similar.
Outcome he will believe he is unworthy. In the long term he will also think he is
helpless if someone cannot protect him now.

REMOVE HIM. HE IS NOT LEARNING. HE IS LABORING THROUGH ABUSE.

This is not the only option abailable to you and him surely?

This topic is working me up. I had best go now.

Best wishes and empowerment with your situation.

I think we should set up a system where parents can spank there sons bullies... course alot of parents out there wouldn't want to stop... oh well!

_________________
"we never get respect ... never a fair trial
[swearing removed by lau] ... as long as we smile"
Im tired of smiling.

Vote for me in 2020