Never had a birthday

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Every year my daughter has dreams of a big birthday party. She never has because we are wrought with challenges that makes it almost impossible

1. She's an aspie and has two real friends
2. Her birthday is the day before school
3. We live in a one horse town where there is very little to do

I hate disappointing her every year. If you have any recommendations outside the box, let me know

Age 17

take her and her two friends out for pizza and bring them home for cake with candles.

She has visions of half the junior class. She considers it a non event if its just gonna be the three of them. I'm not sure anyone else will come. They never have

Can you convince her to do something really special that she will enjoy with the friends she has? I'm not sure how exactly one-horse your town is, but most small towns are a drive away from somewhere bigger with more exciting things.

You might also explain to her that at 17, most kids don't have those kinds of parties on their birthday - that's something that is on TV but the majority of kids don't really do it at that age. Most girls hang out with their good friends - parties like she's thinking of are probably the ones kids have when their parents are out of town and everybody gets into trouble, and often people are mean to each other while they're there.

I think there is probably something deeper at the root of this. She wants an "event." The question is why? Does she think it will mean popularity? Acceptance? Does she want to be the center of attention for a lot of people? If you can figure out the root, you may be able to address it some other way. If she is trying to be popular and thinks a big party will make her so, you will have to gently disabuse her of it, which will not be fun. Does she get really upset or disappointed every year.

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I think the main reason is that she has never had a "big" one. It has always been family with maybe one friend. I think I have her talked into a spa day. She associates that with being spoiled so I think that may be the winner. Unless her aspie friend has tactile issues :/

When I was in third grade, I invited all the girls from my class. About half of them showed up. It was a disaster because it was too chaotic and I felt I had no control. I never do well when I am in the center of attention and have too many people over. I never had a birthday party again. My brothers have only invited few of their friends over.

It doesn't hurt to do her birthday late and have her invite her whole class over. Is there anything to do out of town even if it's an hour away?
She could invite her two friends only and perhaps do something at home like a sleepover or watch movies or play video games.

Sleepover won't work because both moms of the two girls are very overprotective. Unfortunately dealing with the moms is as awkward as dealing with my daughter. One mom told me she "overwhelms" her daughter sometimes and the other is an aspie with her own stuff. She's pretty protective of her. I understand though. I'm protective too. Maybe everyone will be cool with the spa.

I think the real problem is a divide between how your daughter is imagining the party to be and how the party could turn out. If this sounds nothing like your daughter, just bear with me. When I was 17, I wanted a big party, but knew I could never organize one. Now at the ripe old age 30, I realize that it was for the best. I'd get eaten alive if the popular kids showed up at my house.

What she's imagining:
All the kids from her class come over. They sit down for some delicious food that she decided to set out. Everybody eats the food, an compliment her on the idea. After the meal, the plop down on the living room floor to watch a marathon of a movie or a TV show she likes. Hours later, everybody gets TV'ed out, and they go for a nice, quiet walk around the neighborhood. Throughout the party, everybody puts their differences aside, and acts nice and civil to each other. When the party ends, friendly hugs go around and kids head home. For the rest of the school year, your daughter is treated better by her classmates.

What might happen:
Less than half the kids come over. As they sit down to eat, a few kids poke fun at her eccentric eating habits, while she tries to be a good sport about it. Other kids' cell phones go off during the meal, and the spend a lot of time talking on them. After the meal, she suggests watching a marathon of her favorite TV show, but other kids balk at it, and instead play Justin Bieber songs at full blast. She's sitting there, looking and feeling really uncomfortable. Finally, the party ends, and kids leave, some without as much as a courtesy "thank you". For the rest of the school year, your daughter is known as "the kid with the boring party".

I concur with the spa day idea. (And I'm a guy.) It'll look and feel like the "real event" that your daughter is looking for, with little or no risk of getting eaten alive by the popular kids coming to your house. Do an outing to a day spa followed by eating at a nicer-than-usual restaurant (like a formal Italian place, as opposed to Olive Garden) for your daughter and her friends.

I think Aspie1 hit the nail on the head - and I would add that most NT kids have these kinds of visions about parties, and the reality is equally upsetting for them.

I once had my son watch the '80s movie Teen Wolf (I wanted him to see it because it dealt with anger issues) and I'd forgotten that there was a huge teen party typical of the movies of that era. Kids were playing some kind of game where they were coupled off and humiliated in some way in the name of "fun." My son was absolutely horrified - it was a real learning experience for him in a way that an NT kid would totally have missed (until they were actually at that kind of party, on the receiving end of the "fun")

Just let her invite the friends she has got, do stuff that you know your daughter really likes and giver her the birthday party of her lifetime! Why not,does it matter that there are only two other kids at the party? I don't think so Missuslucky. I am sure you can think of something.

When I was that age I tried to do this, it was a graduation party and I invited pretty much the whole class. The only people who showed up were the two close friends I hung out with all the time.

She really can't expect people she is not really friends with to come to a party like that...even if they DID show up they probably wouldn't pay much if any attention to here.

Totally. My kid just had a big birthday that involved an entire day of birthdayness, and spa stuff and sushi and you name it, and fell apart crying at the end because the day wasn't "magical" and she didn't feel her birthday had been marked with proper emphasis and ceremony. And she's eerily social, reads people like a cheap paperback. It's part of life, the prize is you're alive.

I'll chime in with my own example very similar to this one, despite not having kids now. Last year, when I was turning 29, I wanted to celebrate my birthday in a big way. Can't blame me for wanting to do one last blast of fun before the big three-oh, right? (Much like most of society celebrated the new millennium in year 2000 and not 2001.) But I had a problem: (1) I don't know enough people to organize a big party, (2) I don't have the charisma to organize a fun party, (3) last time I did my birthday at a club, I had a miserable time, and (4) many years ago, when I did a house party, some people made jokes at my expense. I even wanted to do a trip of some sorts, but for me, organizing a group trip is like herding cats, so that was quickly eliminted. Sure, my family took me out to dinner, but I also wanted a party. But my aspie self couldn't put one together to save my life.

So I did what all the US corporations are doing: outsource the organizing to Carnival. In other words, I booked a cruise. Alone. Did it have the "magic" I was looking for? Hell, yes! I was floored by how socially forgiving a cruise ship environment was, and to an aspie man to boot. It had a very upbeat, lively crowd, and provided me the kind of aspie-friendly party I wanted. With no organizing on my part, other than buying plane tickets and getting to the airport on time.

When a kid is looking for something "magical", perhaps what they're really looking for is something that matches what they're imagining the celebration to be. In my case, it totally exceeded it. The correct thing to do would be to talk to the child prior to organizing their party, to find out not just what they want, but what they're imagining it to be like. Then get it as close to it as possible. Fortunately, kids have many birthdays (along with other child-friendly holidays), giving parents plenty of opportunities to get it right.