is it harder being HFA?

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I think both LFA and HFA/AS is harder...just in different ways. The challenges faced by both groups may not be the same, but they are probably similar in degree; just different.

I have often thought about the issues you posted in your OP. I think that this does make things harder for my kids than their LFA counterparts--in this one regard. Expectations are placed upon them that are not fair, but because they do not "look autistic enough," people do not understand the expectations are unrealistic. In many regards, they are held to the same standards as their NT peers by pretty much everyone on the planet except me.

On the other hand, because they are intelligent, verbal kids, they have the ability to make their needs known in a way that a kid with LFA may not. So in that regard, they have it easier. They also do not have debilitating sensory issues. They both have sensory issues, but I would characterize them as mild in general, with the worst ones verging on moderate. So in that regard, they have it "easier" than people with severe sensory issues, but "harder" than people without sensory issues.

Where I think this has the biggest impact is for my son. He does not look obviously disabled, so he does not have group protection from bullying. There are many kids who would stand up for an obviously disabled kid, and there are taboos against bullying someone with a disability. However, because he does not appear to have a disability, he is less likely to have someone stand up for him, and the growing "taboo" against treating people with disabilities negatively does not extend to him because his peers recognize him as "weird" but not disabled. He makes the perfect target for the frustrated bully who see's his/her target pool dwindling by growing anti-bullying awareness.

I think it's tougher on an emotional level - DS told me yesterday that he wishes he was 'a regular person, like everyone else' - we haven't told him about his diagnosis yet as I am terrified that it will trigger worse anxiety but obviously he is 'switched on' enough to know his pit falls. Yesterday's comment makes me think we are going to need to tell him sooner rather than later.

I agree that being HFA is harder then being LFA in the sense of an expectations gap. HFAs are more likely to have unrealistic and unreachable expectations put upon them. LFAs are more likely to just be written-off. The world is cruel to both, (Just wander into the wrong corners of the Internet where people begrudge spending tax dollars on any of it--- for evidence)