Looking for some advice on my AS son

Post Reply New Topic

My son got diagnosed almost a year ago with mild AS. Needless to say, I think I'm doing the worst at adjusting. I find it incredibly hard to be able to tell when its AS or he's being a turkey. I want to challenge him to always improve, but not beat down on his confidence. It seems as if that is a fine line. I don't want to look back in a year or even ten years and have regrets in parenting him. I understand that is impossible, but keeping it to a minimum is a huge goal. He does well in school and was diagnosed during preschool at the public schools. They have gotten him a teachers aid just for him. He is taking kindergarten classes for the social learning he needs and 1st and 2nd grade classes for everything else. When he is given a task, he is a great student. When he gets bored, well he gets in lots of trouble. Kicking, spiting, and biting teachers. Which hasn't happened since they hired someone just for him. He loves learning and will play education games on his tablet as long as you let him. Here's the one nitch that I really would like to work on with him, trying to aggravate people on purpose. Here's the dilemma, I used to be the youngest boy, and I tried to get on everyone's nerves. The difference is I could be persuaded to stop, which was generally a spanking lol! I don't spank him or yell at him. I try to get eye contact and explain if he continues to act that way there are consequences. I give him a list of things he will lose or not be able to participate in. 50% of the time it works, the other 50% he could care less. Then when the consequence is enforced he has a melt down. Just looking for some suggestions from experienced AS parents. It is also note worthy, I only get him and his older sister on every other weekend. He lives with his mother. He also has 2 other step siblings which he is younger than. 3 girls vs one boy all the time, and his sister will stick up for him frequently. Any help is greatly appreciated. Now I think I will continue to read others posts and learn, I love this site!

DJ

First off I'd wonder if this is both with his mom and with you. Assuming it is, when consequences don't work, go backwards. Help him understand the why. Help him be in the other persons shoes. It hurts his ears to hear other people's loud noise? It hurts the teachers ears when he gets too loud, that kind of thing. A lot of things kids with ASD do that are irritating aren't done with that in mind, rather the child is failing to put effort into avoiding causing distress and may respond to directions what to do instead along with simple brief explanation, not an arguement. If it's no negotiable, though, stay firm, but calm. Understanding others perspective really is harder, so figuring out how to be good is as well.

Learning the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown is an important part of parenting a kid on the spectrum. It is clear with my son, but I am still learning with my daughter. For us, tantrum = goal directed behavior that is under the control of the kid and can stop if he/she gets what he/she wants; usually caused by not getting what one wants. Meltdown = non-goal directed behavior that is out of the control of the kid and will not go away simply by capitulating. Meltdowns may LOOK like they are the result of not getting what is wanted, but if you look carefully (at least with my kids) they are almost always the result of 1 of 2 things: 1) sensory overstimulation or 2) demands that exceed their capabilities.

Once you can distinguish between the two, you avoid meltdowns to the extent you can. YOU need to control the environment and demands at first. Then you start to teach your child how to control his/her own environment (learning to take a break, for example). With tantrums...honestly? I let her tantrum. She is a very willful child and believes the world should respond according to her dictates. This is unrealistic.

Regarding aggravating people on purpose...not having been able to observe your son, I'd be careful. My son, when younger, LOOKED like he was trying to aggravate others. He really wasn't. He had a lot of sensory seeking behaviors and he also did not know how to appropriately engage other people. He intentionally did things that aggravated other people, but his intent was not to aggravate other people. His intent was to engage. You could ask for a functional behavior analysis at school. That should help you understand what is leading to his "aggravating" behaviors. They can also make recommendations to his 1:1 to help her know how to help him learn better ways of getting his needs met.

Good luck!

I'm not sure he is trying to just "engage" He finds it rather funny when he gets under everyone's skin. Its gotten to the point where everything besides basic stuff, he has to earn. He gets juice in the morning with his "poo" medicine, after that he earns juice for lunch and dinner. He has to treat others the way he wants to be treated in order to get what he wants. I will also set him up to have goals. If we are in Target or somewhere and he sees a toy he wants. I ask which ones he wants and which ones he likes better. I will then buy him the least of his liked choices (only if he's been behaved). I will then tell him if he wants more of them he has to earn them. He earns them when he gets leadership stickers at school. I pay him $1 for each sticker. He generally gets 3-4 stickers a week. Sometimes it takes him a month to get enough money to get his favored toy. Its also difficult to tell his AS behaviors from his broken home behaviors. Which has really hampered my learning curve. I appreciate all the comments, and if you have any more, please feel free to post

DJ

The hardest part is finding what is a motivation issue and what is something else, as others have said. Sometimes this is fluid, where your son can do something in one circumstance, when motivated, but cannot in another instance when he has sensory issues or is sleepy or something.

I do not know your son, but I think you may have too many things he has to earn. That can get confusing, and feel very difficult, especially if it seems arbitrary. The thing with the toys sticks out, especially. You are putting the burden on him to pick an incentive and it has nothing to do with price or anything concrete, just that he likes it the most. If he gets wise, assuming he can manage the dishonesty, he will tell you the opposite is his favorite and you will not know the difference. It is better to do something that is scalable especially since they can get into habits and form expectations really easily. It helps if you can get a feel for the categories of things he prefers. Have something standard and OK that you offer "just because" and then offer the upgrade as something earnable, maybe. Or get him nothing unless you get the behavior you want (or a close facsimile.)

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 29 Jan 2014, 4:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you fundamentally have to be able to find a way to enjoy your child. If that isn't happening now, maybe simplify. Pick one or two behaviors you want to improve and let the other problems go. He needs to feel someone is on his side and you need to be able to like your child. Be straightforward and remind yourself your child wanting things his way is natural, it's your job to help him learn what he needs to do so that happens more.

I also think it might be possible when he laughs that he is uncomfortable. It's likely he is confused by people's reactions to him, so I would think carefully whether he has as much control as it might seem.

I know this is difficult right now, I hope things will get better for you.

He can't lie about the stickers. I put them in a box and save them for when he's older. It seems, with him, its easier to set boundaries. When he has a full understanding of his boundaries, he does very well. When things like someone cheating at shoots and ladders happens, that's out of bounds. He looses his mind and has to go gather himself in his space (room). He loves the positive reinforcement of earning things and doesn't get down when he doesn't meet his goal right away. He always remarks about "probably next time Dad". He gets to earn a lot of activities, such as going to the movies, movie night, power play (chuckie cheese), learning apps on his tablet. The sky is the limit and he understands. Some weeks he earns all sorts of fun stuff, others not as much. Its easier to explain what a good job he is doing when he's positive and earned something. Rather than trying to explain it when he's emotionally compromised.

Honestly, he only has one or two behaviors that need addressed consistently. Most of the things are "normal", every once in a while things. Over the last 2 years I have learned not to get so caught up on the little things and enjoy all the things I love about him. He is very quick witted and always says stuff that makes me laugh. We were wrestling once and I told him I'd pop and drop him. LOL He said, "Guess what Dad, I'm not a balloon." Once again, I appreciate the comments, and just posting on here and getting feed back, feels like such a large step forward. Wish I would have seen this site 9 months ago.

Sensory Issues are huge with him. He also goes from calm to crazy very fast. If he sees the girls wrestling around, he gets so wound up, one of them will get hurt if I don't intervene. What are some activities that help with gross motor and clumsiness. He tends to eat pavement more than most kids. Has a scar on his forehead from falling down while running on the side walk. He runs a bit odd, kind of slaps his feet down. I was thinking jump rope, but he may end up with a ton of whip marks on his legs and back. There is an open gym for gymnastics also, but I only have him on every other weekend, and there's not one where he lives.

All kind of sports can be of advantage. As kid I had guitar training (improved finger sensoric), Basketball (finally made me able to catch balls and throw them in an certain direction, as well that it helps with the coordination while running. But I think it was important to say, that we had a teacher, that did not simply tell us to play, but did for 50% of the time technical trainings with exact movements.), as well as classic gymnastik (floorgymnastik, bargymnastik, horizontal bar, chest jumping).

I comparison to the other students, visiting that trainings as well, I was always horrible ^^, but I definitly improved. So as example after 4 years of basketball training, I was lousy compared to those visiting the training as well, but could match up with my normal classmates in physical education. With the other stuff it was quiet similar.

I think it is essential, that wherver your kid goes, that there is no contest about being the best or whatever. I think if I had been told how bad I was every time I went there, I would not have liked to go there. XD

I like to do boulder climbing in halls now as well. I think its great for muscle, sensory and balance. And in most boulder halls, there are rather vertical low routes as well, so you simply do right/left bouldering in a moderate high, so if you fall down, you go only down 1-2 meter into the soft-mats.

Keep up the good work. I just want to mention a few things I learned early on. The AS folks on this list tell me they can't look at someone in the eye and think at the same time. So including eye contact as part of your behavior training can only backfire. Secondly, always try to figure out if he is having a meltdown. These time are totally off limits for you to teach him via any method. Any punishment will be seen as an unreasonable attack. He will not understand why you are being meant to him. At a later time you can do a social story about the situation to try to teach him. Try to let it be an objective story. Do not link it to his meltdown.
HTH.

AANN, thanks. I think that is great advice and something I probably need to work on. Appreciated! The story idea is freaking genius.

Remember to make the social story positive. It is a reassuring description of how things work or something similar. It is not a description of the consequences of bad behavior. The intent is to teach something the person doesn't yet know. Just keep it positive.

Ok, got it! No stories like Major Payne about the little train that could

Martial arts training. As a clumsy autistic white belt, I strongly recommend it. Within six months of taking karate, I was running into things less, and keeping my balance better.

What's really great about martial arts, as opposed to other sports, is the way it's taught. They break everything down and give very detailed instructions on what to do. In other sports, I was mostly expected to mimic others - well, I find it extremely difficult to imitate movements. In order to imitate, I have to consciously look at each body part and tell myself what they're doing, and then do it, and by then they've usually moved on. In karate, I don't need to do that because they tell me what they're doing, and then repeat the same movement 20 times in a row to a count so I can get it right.

I still haven't gotten my yellow belt after 3 years, but I have learnt a lot.

I second martial arts. It has been a savior for my son. he has been going for nearly 4 years and is now a 3rd degree brown belt. The coordination, self control, balance and strength he has acquired from karate is amazing. YES the way they teach is perfect for our kids, and even though they are working in a class with other kids, they are moving at their own pace.