I think my fiance's son has Aspergers

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Well, I'm back for some more advice. My daughter got married last weekend, and many of my friends and family members made comments about my fiance's son's behavior (he's almost 12) He didn't sit with us at all during the reception, which was outdoors, and didn't play with any of the kids there. He played with a stick most of the time. He was playing with it during the ceremony and talking out loud during the ceremony. He was also hitting the dance floor with the stick. My former step-mother, who attended and I am still close to, asked me if he has ever been tested for anything other than ADHD. She was a Special Education teacher for quite a long time. I asked her what made her ask that. She said because of his extremely immature behavior for his age, the fact that he won't look you in the eye when you talk to him and his lack of social skills. I asked her what she thought he might have, and she said she really couldn't say as she didn't want to diagnose him. I asked her what resources were available for him to get help, and she said the school might have a class on social skills, which she taught to her students.

The advice I would like to get from you all is, how do you think I should approach my fiance about this? I'd like to tell him what my former step-mother asked and said to me about his son. My fiance really liked her, and I think he would respect her opinion. However, he gets really defensive when you talk about his son's behavior. I don't want to offend him; I just want to talk to him about it and see if he's open to getting his son tested. My main concern is (along with his son's grandparents) that his son will not get the help he needs and that as he gets older that he won't be able to function in society. He is a very smart kid (makes A's and B's in advanced classes), however, he just does not have very good social skills. I just want him to be the best that he is capable of being. I worry that if he waits too long to get help, that it will be too late when he gets older.

Also, what kind of help is available, if in fact he has Asperger's or ASD? What kind of treatment is available to help him? I really don't know much about it, so any advice or assistance you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

You already posted that your fiance is not especially open to discussing this, right? The only real approach you could take that would not offend him. based on your previous posts is to maybe ask him if his son looked uncomfortable around all those people at the wedding, and see if the conversation naturally leads where you want it to go. I don't think he is going to want to hear anything remotely resembling, " Hey, your son was acting weird the whole time, stuck out like a sore thumb, and many people commented on it including my step mom whose opinion I am hoping will mean enough to you to pursue help." (I know you would would likely translate it to something nicer, but if that is how he hears it, the result is likely to be the same. I know that approach would not work for me, anyway. No one wants to hear his kid is acting weird, even if he already knows it.

Why handle it the other way? If you are showing concern as to how his son feels as opposed to how he presents himself, that shows you care about him, as opposed to how it looks. Then if your fiance bites, you can say something about getting him some help for his anxiety around people, or something that does not imply you are expecting a specific diagnosis.

As far as what is available, it depends what deficits he is determined to have. There is speech for pragmatic and other language issues, occupational therapy for sensory issues, social skills training for social issues, etc. There is nothing called autism therapy, as far as I know. So regardless of whether his son gets a new diagnosis or not, the treatments will vary on his special combination of strengths and weaknesses.

I'm living with an ADHD/ODD kid that turned 12 in June. The really "babyish" things you described, I wouldn't really attribute very strongly to those diagnoses.

Arguing for the sake of arguing, complaining over EVERYTHING--LOUDLY, for HOURS and often aggressively in the other person's personal space, purposefully annoying people, trying to cause fights, sneakily poking and prodding and other minor physical 'attacks', refusing (again often loudly and in the other's personal space) to do anything he is told, simply because he was told--even if it is something he likes and was about to do, if I tell him to do it, he'll refuse. Completely immune to any and all punishments, rewards, conjolings, arguments, natural consequences, ignoring, positive attention, negative attention--whatever--nothing is going to alter his behavior. Grumpy, self-centered, obnoxious, intentionally annoying, lying, cheating, taking things from family members that don't belong to him, aggressive (but not physically violent). Basically any possible descriptive word you can think of that would make you not to ever want to be around this person ever, because they are the least pleasant person you have ever met--that's a word to describe the way my son acts on a bad ODD day. I'm his mom and I can't stand to be around him either.

Think of me however badly you want, but you try living with him for a few days. That's ODD.

Thanks so much for this advice. I think I will approach it the way you suggest (do you think he was uncomfortable around all of those people at the wedding)? I think the type of therapy he needs is for social skills. His grandmother feels the same way. He is very smart academically, he just doesn't engage well with other people. I just want him to be the best he can be as an adult. Thanks so much for your advice!

There's a book called Quirky, Yes; Hopeless, No by Cynthia Norall. Each chapter describes a social or behavioral issue that many kids with AS have, and describes how the author's clinic approaches it in their social skills class. Might be worth a read (unless the title would offend your finance.)

Thanks for this information. I will definately get this book.