New Stepparent. Would love some help/advice.

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I'm having a bad day as a stepparent and posted this under the introduction section. I don't know a better way to say it so I'm copying and pasting here. Thank you for any help you can give me. I want to do right by my stepchild. (Will be avoiding talking about the gender of the child as I don't want anybody who might come across this to recognize who I'm talking about).

I have a wonderful stepchild who has high-functioning autism but the problem is that the family refuses to acknowledge it and has not gotten any kind of mentorship, taught the child the right kind of coping mechanisms and offers no social experience or physical activity. Step child has no friends, lives in video games and is only fed junk food. I try to do what I can as part of the support network but I really don't know what I'm doing and I'm afraid I probably do the wrong things and sometimes put too much pressure to talk about things since step child is not used to it and hasn't been taught how to process emotions.

I need help. I need a mentor, somebody who can help me deal with these things where the family looks the other way. They are good people who love step child. I know they love him a lot. They really do, they just have very old fashion views of what autism is and they think that acknowledging it will ruin the child's life. But I see it doing real harm as the child is so isolated and doesn't know how to relate to other children at all because nobody has taught the child how to.

I don't want to make things worse but I want to help the child be happy, have friends and be less likely to be bullied in any way I can without causing drama with the family. It's a lovely family and I love everybody in it. What do I do?

I am reading books and blogs and all kinds of things to help me understand the child more but without anybody else in the family on board with a lot of the advice, I feel cut off at the knees.

I think the first thing is to worry less about how not having friends might be making the child unhappy, and worry more about if he is succeeding in communicating his unique needs to those around him (I say needs intentionally, as opposed to wants). ASD children tend to be much less interested in friends than NT parents assume. If he isn't lonely don't make him decide he should be lonely by pressing the issue of friends. Each child is different, of course, but be wary of applying your own assumptions to his feelings. Instead, be the person who really pays attention to him, tries to understand how he sees things, and tries to understand what he is really needing. Ask questions. Be interested in the things he is interested in.

ASD children tend to thrive when the adults in their lives use their natural interests as a stepping stone to helping them learn what they need to know to navigate the NT world. Think hard about essential v. non-essential skills. Most members here, for example, find the NT obsession with eye contact very unnecessary, at least for young children. Another one is the attempt to suppress movement behaviors and sounds; home should be safe place where he can do his self-calming activities, even if they seem weird.

Be very clear talking with the child, and understand that ASD children tend to be very literal. Never assume he knows what you mean, and never give an instruction without making sure he has heard and actually comprehended it. Again, don't assume. Using pictures and drawings is a great way to communicate with most ASD children, as well.
He probably also prefers routine, and will need to know what to expect before going somewhere new, or having a change in routine. Always give fair warning.

The name of the game for younger ASD children is to conform the world to their needs, so they have the mental space and energy to navigate a very confusing world, and learn the skills they need to without having to constantly deal with stress and overload. A lot of things stress ASD kids that you and I don't even think about, that you and I would think are silly, but that are very very real to them, and that take a lot of mental energy to cope with. As children grow older and develop goals that require them to interact more with the world on it's own terms, they should then be ready to take that step and learn those skills. But the safe place comes first.

Thank you for this reply! It is very helpful.

I have tried to use the video game interests before when explaining things, we have done the drawing thing a few times and stepchild was very receptive to that but not always willing to do it when I suggest it. I don't push it if they don't want to do it but is there a way to get them to do it when they're not feeling receptive?

I'm learning about giving more space when they're upset but I also worry that not addressing the feelings is a bad thing?

Another problem and I don't know if there is anything I can do about this is that they get shut down when they stim. I have tried to gently say that they should be allowed to do it more because it makes them feel safe but I don't really get through. I don't know what to do about that. When we're alone, I let them do it more but that isn't often.

The friend thing, they expressed an interest earlier this year in wanting to have a friend so they could play more. That's the main reason why it is something I am focused on. I don't push it and their family is really good about not pushing it too. So there isn't pressure there but it broke my heart when they said they wished they had a friend. I guess I just leave that one alone? Also, they talk to themselves a lot. We can hear whole conversations they have with nobody when they're alone in their room. Is this a sort of calming behavior as well?

There is a social group that is run by professionals that teaches children with ADHD and other social challenges about reading body language and understanding other people's emotions and how to have a conversation where they let other people speak. Stepchild is in the age group and it has a lot of good feedback. Does this sound like a good program for high-functioning autism? I figure I can sell it because it's not specifically aimed at autism but I don't know if it's the right move.

You face several challenges.

1. You do not have Aspergers and find it difficult not to think in remedial terms.
2. You are a step parent and by definition often find yourself "walking on eggs".
3. The established "family" has to be persuaded to accept your suggestions.
4. It can be difficult to engage the child.

It can be tempting to get drawn into how to remedy apparent problems. For example, if the child has no friends, one begins to think in terms of what activities, therapy, or circumstances can be manipulated in order to "solve" the problem.

It may be more helpful to consider the basic "problem". Aspergers children can appear very selfish and disinterested in others. This can frustrate the best attempt to provide "friends".

Because of more complicated, faster, or sensitive neurological configuration Asperger children have a more intense inner mental life. This produces several possible manifestations such as anxieties that can manifest as selective mutism. One rather common manifestation is the pursuit of pleasurable sensations. The habits and developmental strategies the child forms are guided by the childish objectives of having pleasure and avoiding anxiety.

It may be that only when the child reaches later adolescence or young adulthood that mental skills develop that will recognize the limitations a perpetuated childhood can impose and an openness to actively working to restructure ones internal processes can be undertaken.

If you are dealing with a teen or younger, you may not be able to engage with the child at a level where they can understand your concerns for their improvement. You may be limited in attempting to persuade them to occasionally come a little out of their comfortable shell. This can be difficult because a child sees no reason to surrender comfort. In fact, if something uncomfortable is encountered, it can sour them on future attempts.

The Asperger child will more likely benefit from a series of small and brief interventions that call on him to apply his mental processing to considering more than his immediate pleasure. For example,

Why are you playing that video game?

Because I enjoy it.

How long have you been playing?

About three hours.

Do you stop to eat or go to the bathroom?

If I have to.

What will you do if you get tired of the game?

Such conversations only scratch the surface, but cumulatively act to help the child reflect on his actions and begin to consider alternatives. The Asperger child does not do well when told what to do or is thrown into a particular situation. It is better for him to see what actions he could take and what reasons he would have for taking them.

For finding friends, maybe pursue the special interests of the kid instead of looking into support groups. Not that those couldn't be helpful, but for friends he/she is more likely to do well if they find someone who shares their love of fortnite or whatever. Aspies aren't always the best friends for other Aspies - sometimes, but not always.

It also helps to slow down and think through things before you try to explain them. Don't use figures of speech and don't assume he/she will understand the "why" behind the way other people think/feel/want him or her to behave. For example the phrase "makes my skin crawl" makes most on the spectrum literally picture skin crawling...it's gross and doesn't communicate "makes me feel very uncomfortable."

And #1 - just be there to answer questions and offer support/love the way HE/SHE wants it. It is okay, great really, to ask if hugs are good or bad, etc. I have never liked hugs, except every once in a while from very specific people. I would LOVE it if more people asked before going in for a hug. I tended to push people away as a kid who tried to he overly affectionate with me, because it felt like an invasion and not loving support. So ask questions and listen.

Experiment with methods to “sell” and gently nudge the child on it but realize that attempting to force or push the child to do something is likely to increase their stress level and then backfire.



They probably aren’t able to address or even identify their feelings while upset. ASD can overload the brain into a scramble, which is why they need space and self-calming techniques. You can, however, engage in a situational autopsy later, when the stress has passed, breaking down all the tiny little elements and gently asking questions. Just be careful and watch for signs that the process itself is causing stress.



The family can’t accept the stimming? Keep working on them. Remind them that home should be where we all can be our weird selves, so that we feel stronger when we face the outside world. You may also encounter examples of when it actually helped the child listen to the adults, as opposed to hindering it. My son did his best homework chewing straws and clicking pens. Getting him through homework was a lot easier once we figured that out. If the relatives can see the connection, they should ease up.



If the child would like friends, you can help by doing situational autopsies of social situations the child has encountered. If there is a particular child they seem interested in, you could also talk to the other child’s mother about taking the child on a small outing, some prearranged activity so the kids can bond without having to figure things out on their own.



Yes, it was for my son anyway. He would pace, too.

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I would see how the child feels about the idea. In general, my son could find gold nuggets in anything he had signed onto, own choice, but never got anything from anything that he had not.

I feel like I have no business giving advice here, since I’m currently having a major problem with my own child.

But I agree with the other posters so far. I haven’t heard a single thing I didn’t agree with in these replies to you.

I am NT, my husband has Aspergers, and my five year old has been diagnosed with ADHD and sensory processing, with a mild speech issue. My husband is successful in general, and even close co-workers seem to have trouble accepting that he is autistic. He has developed great coping and masking strategies over the years that usually let him fly under the radar with little discomfort.

You mentioned that you wish your kid (I know, step, but clearly you are also a parent to this child) had a mentor. That is great when possible, but simply having an advocate or supportive person can do the job. You can read up on autism and keep doing what you are doing now-helping the kid have a happy and productive life. Autistic coping mechanisms, skills, and challenges can be different from those of non-autistic people, and of course each person is unique anyway. Finding behavior that is more acceptable to society AND your kid can help a lot. There are stimming techniques that others do not notice. Maybe explore different things. Find out what calms this kid and stresses him or her out. What is your kid good at, what are they bad at, and how much does that stuff need to nurtured.

I am ASD and pedantic logic is my preference and luckily my ASD child responds it (perhaps my NT child does a bit also?). I present most things with cause/effect etc., e.g. a balanced diet does THIS and THIS for your body and mind, this is what a balanced diet looks like --- I tell my daughter I "cheated" into my 30s, but want her learning now so she understands her choices and impact. If you brush and floss THIS, if not, THIS; this is how it's done. I also read a book similar to "How to talk to teenagers"... and all the books up to that.

Do you have a routine shared activity? (I enjoyed board games in my teen years; my Aspie daughter prefers physical activities) Might a parent (briefly) play the video game with your child to relate?

Video game addiction is a whole other thing. I was Focused on a video game in my teenage years and have a nice letter from the developers in response to my successful completing the game. That letter was and is very special to me, even if my mom yelled at me a million times to at least get dressed before I played. (And, yes, she yelled at me that I didn't have friends, but had no advice to offer and it was very damaging.) Was I addicted to the video game? My Focus was intense, but I did have other interests and would Focus on them to exclusion of video games, so probably not --- it was a stage. That said, my NT (non-ASD) husband was addicted to an online game (wouldn't stop, missed critical events) and it took having a child to break him of it completely.

My nephew did not know how to take care of himself and he came to live with us as a young adult. Working with him, we set four "adulting" goals for him and provided support and resources. By golly he got them all in six months (we pushed on the last one with financial pressure, he completed one goal on baking paper with crayon --- I know his parents would have criticized him - do it RIGHT - but by golly he did it and we reviewed and revised the content together, so it was a gold star from me). I clearly wasn't his parent, but he understood that I cared and wanted to help him help himself. He also ate junk and was in the "morbid" weight range and I felt it was too great a goal to have, so I satisfied myself with non-judgmentally educating him - not expecting him to change his behavior immediately, but for him to understand (and build context for when he's ready to change it later). He did get himself below the "morbid" threshold before he left.

I am so glad for your stepchild that you are considering what will work for you and your child!! !! !