Would like info on how to recognize and defuse meltdowns...

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Hi, anyone have any recommendations on books or other materials that help explain the whys, triggers, and hopefully preventions of meltdowns?

My asd daughter seems to have meltdowns when she feels things are out of her control. Sudden change in routines, power struggles, when she is tired and/or hungry. Her emotions escalate quickly, from upset to devastated or content to upbeat. Anyways, I had to deal with a meltdown yesterday and I know I could have handled it better, hindsight and bruises. It just never happened in the parking lot of the grocery store before and it took me by surprise. So, I need a refresher course and would prefer recommendations from you lovely peeps. Thanks.

Sounds like you have as good a handle on it as anybody can. You're aware of what types of stressors tend to trigger that level of anxiety attack. We sometimes don't know ourselves that it's coming until it's already there.

Other times I know as soon as somebody mentions something that we're doomed to an ugly conflict, 'cause that ain't happenin' in my world.

I don't know about ASD kids, but sometimes the only way to prevent my (presumed NT) 4-year-old's meltdowns is to make the world revolve around her. "You want a soda?? Sure. And a candy bar?? Sure! And to shove the lady in line ahead of us?? Absolutely!! And to push the cart all by youself even though you're headed right for that oncoming SUV?? Go right ahead, honey!! !"

However tempting it may be...

Look, I know they're embarrassing. I know people stare. I know, I know, I know. MELTDOWN HAPPENS.

My husband says NT adults have meltdowns. They just don't have them in grocery store parking lots.

He's gotten up in the morning and yelled at me for being upset and scared, so I guess he's telling the truth. I don't know. I know I learned as a kid that allowing yourself to show only happy emotions would drive you crazy. Is that still true, or does modern psychology no longer believe that it's healthy to have a full range of emotions??

So you remove the meltdown from harm's way (and the general flow of traffic). And then, when people stare, you smile and say, "Yeah-- I guess she's just run out of OK. Happens." "Having a bad day. Happens." And when they make nasty comments, well, it's probably best to shrug...

...but I'd be inclined to smile with obviously fake sympathy and say something like, "I feel for you. It must be really hard being perfect."

Now if I could just use those lines on my kids' school.

The following are good:

Congrats Your Child is Strange -- free online ebook

No Fighting, No Biting, No Screaming: How to Make Behaving Positively Possible for People With Autism and Other Developmental Disabilities Paperback
by Bo Hejlskov Elven (Author)

No More Meltdowns: Positive Strategies for Managing and Preventing Out-Of-Control Behavior [Paperback]
Jed Baker PH.D. (Author)

I work at a daycare I KNOW meltdowns. The best is to validate the child and then bring him to your side. How? You show first compassion. It will escalate when you do that but only for a moment. Then you've got them! You tell them to breath and speak in his/her softly until they calm down. Remember keep showing compassion...that's they key. Show first concern on your face then tell them you'll be okay over and over and give them a slight smile. NEVER show anger or confusion. It's normal and act like it's normal. If they push you away or try to kick move back and still say it's okay I'll wait here until you need me. Wait and just ask if you can hug them cause you feel real bad for them.

This works 100%. If it doesn't e-mail me to see what you're missing.

One thing that has helped my daughter, who also has problems with the unexpected, is to do a lot of social-story-type work. Before going to a new place or doing new things, we walk through what to expect, including negative things, and how one might handle them effectively. So, for example, "When you are at your friend's house, her mom might have made something for dinner or a snack that you hate or that you have never had. This may happen because she will not know what food you do and do not like and she may just make something that your friend likes, thinking you will like it to. If this happens, it is not OK to get angry and tell her the food is disgusting (which is her normal response). Instead, I would like you to tell her, 'I am sorry, Mrs. ______, but I am a pretty picky eater and trying new food sometimes makes me nervous. May I please have a plain piece of bread or some cereal instead?' or, if you see that she also made something you do like, you could say 'May I have extra rice instead?' Or, you can just be polite and try it. But the one thing you can NOT do is tell her the food is disgusting." Then we practice it a few times.

In familiar situations where unusual or unexpected situations may occur, we do things like "So, let's say you are at Hannah's birthday party and you do not know how to play a game everyone wants to play. What should you do? ....What would you do if they did not have chocolate cake? ....What would you do if Hannah wanted to play a game that you do not like? ....What would you do if she didn't open your present first?... What would you do if someone got her the same present you did? ...What would you do if she did not seem excited about your present?...What other unexpected things might happen? etc, etc" All of this seems to give her a sense of familiarity with the situation. It seems to help. What trips her up the most is being in an unfamiliar situation with no "script" to draw from.

And sometimes I just make the rules very clear before we go somewhere.

But a lot of prep work seems to work the best for us.