Newbie here. Soon to be stepmom of Aspie...

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Hello all,

I'd like to introduce myself. I am 51 years old and soon to be stepmom to a 14 year old AS teen. I've lived with him and his dad for 2 years now. Yesterday, I came to my wits end. He doesn't seem to have any care or respect for his parent(s) rules or what I expect from him. He basically does whatever he wants to not matter the consequences. I'm frustrated and about ready to turn in the towel. I found this forum and am hoping someone can help me understand what we're doing wrong, or not doing right. Nothing we do seems to improve his attitude.

Any help is much appreciated. Thanks for being here.

FrustratedStepmom

[Moved from Getting to know each other to Parents' Discussion]

First, I don't see that behavioral issue to be associated in any way with AS. But it is pathological.

Second, IMHO, the human personality, for good or ill is fully formed by about age 6. If respect for order and authority, and the ability to form healthy emotional bonds have not been instilled by then, its a lost cause.

At 14, short of physical force, your ability to influence or control his behavior lies entirely in his willingness to cooperate and accept your authority.

Hi Frustrated, and welcome.

I think relief may start with understanding that he isn't like you. To varying degrees, he neither thinks nor perceives as you do. And never will. You can't train this aspect of what we are, it can only be hidden behind a mask.

Yes, of course he does. This is part of Autism. From the Greek word 'autos' -> 'self'. He is by definition, self-absorbed. Understand that this isn't the same as a normal mind being self-absorbed. This is our different wiring; it's not broken, it's just different.

I'm afraid I can't tell you how to get through these next few years. I'm not a parent. But it starts with you understanding that he sees and thinks differently than you. For you to try to make him regard things as you do is no more correct than presuming that Caucasians need more melanin because they're deficient (or the rest of the world needs less, because they clearly have too much!)

Understand that Autism is what we _are_, not what we _have_. Just like race or gender, which, as we now know, can also have blurry lines.

Your frustration is likely coming from you trying to make a normal thinker out of an Autist; a marathon runner out of an Inuit.

If it's any consolation I didn't make my bed, or pick up my toys, either. The problem was she never told me the truth. It was always "because I say so!" rather than "messiness is embarrassing to me when I have company over." As rational adults we we can both clearly see that this is her problem, anyway, but it would have started the conversation of "why so many darn covers, mom?" I switched to a comforter at age 20 because girls didn't like unmade beds (again, their problem). Comforters are one-flip of the cover and the bed is made. That problem would have been a non-issue if she'd been self-aware or intelligent enough to convey to me the real purpose. But from my perspective, LEGOs were far more important. Because I'm self-aborbed. Because I'm wired this way. Because I'm Autistic.

Without specifics about what's happening, my only suggestion is to consider the possibility that it is not an attitude problem.

I don't wish to derail the conversation, but please do not think and promulgate the idea that race is "what we are." Race is a vaguely defined, pseudoscientific categorization system that is ideologically forced on people without regard to who we are.

Hello all. Thank you for your replies. @ animalcrackers... To be blunt, he "takes things" that don't belong to him, he lies, tries to manipulate (at least that's how it comes across) and has fits of anger (eg.. punching holes in walls, etc..) when he doesn't get his way. Two weeks ago, he took a can of pepper spray (don't know how or when, but he got it out of my car) to school and used it on another student. Luckily no one was hurt badly, but now we are waiting to find out if he will be expelled. We are looking into schools for Aspies, but the first one my fiance called said they couldn't accept him because he was passing his classes in public school.

Just FYI, after reading many posts here at WP, I ordered a few books that were recommended here. Hope to get them soon. I just feel so lost. I know he didn't have the attention or discipline he needed growing up, but that said, what can be done now? I know we don't think the way he does, but I need to learn how to deal with that and help him grow into a good and productive addition to society.

Thanks again!

At 14 he's not really a child any more, and their could be long standing issue. AS people don't inherently see a social hierarchy, so the typical means of discipline and encouraging cooperation tend not to work with them. These are generally an imposition of dominance, by an authority. AS people tend to just accept these efforts as an attack.

This is a broad range issue, that really needs to be addressed with local finesse at the specific issues. A family counsellor, especially one that has experience with AS, may be helpful to sort things out. At 14 though, the testosterone may have started to flow. It can be harder if they have already started to pull against the reins.

Hi Loosewheel,

Yes, he is definitely in full blown puberty. About a year ago he became a lot more defiant and started having more physical outbursts. He is no longer allowed on the computer, PERIOD, because of the number of times he's been caught watching porn. Here and at his mothers house.

Is there anything my fiance and I can start or stop doing right now that might alleviate some of the stress in the household? Since the pepper spray incident, he has been on "restriction". His dad has had him raking the yards and such as a "punishment". It doesn't seem to make any impact on him. He is obviously feeling no remorse for what happened and looks more at justifying his actions. When his dad isn't here (he works 24 and 48 hour shifts as an EMT, Fireman), he doesn't listen to me at all. Well, he does listen, but then goes about doing his "own thing". Should we just back off and let him have full reign??

It's only use was an example that most people can quickly grasp and understand. Two quick examples in case one is insufficient (not everyone processes information the same, either. =P )

That said, I'd be happy to debate (via PM) your idea that Kenyans and Inuits are on average, completely equal long-distance runners.

So: Aspies are a very diverse bunch. What we have in common is a cluster of certain traits--but those each have a broad range of expression. Given this broad diversity, it's really hard to answer a question like this.

Can you tell us about this teenager that you have been living with for 2 years?
How do you perceive the manifestations of his autism?
What are the rules that he is not following?
What is wrong with his attitude and is it (or your perception of it) more important than his behavior?

[edited to add: this took forever to post and a lot came in in the meantime, catching up now]

Typically I would say that if the disciplinary measures you're invoking are not working, but provoking further negative behaviour, then back off some. I don't think it would be helpful to just let him go his own way entirely though. Treat the negative behaviours with more a series of warning shots that will have an effect over time, rather than a single action that will immediately stop it. Also, making a mature appeal can be helpful, a mature understanding of why you're doing what you're doing. You can take this approach with things like the computer, but obviously the incident with the pepper spray can't happen twice.

Especially by this age, it depends on why he's doing what he's doing. If the pepper spray was a bit of fun because he doesn't have the outward awareness that it is a serious assault, that's one thing. If it was an aggressive act, then that's something else. If he has been misunderstood and been dealt with punitively, which AS people tend to not understand as anything but an attack even at a young age, then he may have developed a me against them perception. Especially now that the testosterone has kicked in, he may be fighting back against the enemy.

Extra obstacles may be that many AS cannot really sense at least some of their emotions or they are fuzzy. It can be distressing just to try. Also, and obviously, puberty can make it harder as all children at this point are starting to rebel. Especially boys who can have a perception of they're never wrong and they can't die. This can make even mature reasoning very difficult to employ.

Possibly backing off a little may help ease the tension, especially for the behaviours where the outcome is not so dire. It is not desirable behaviour, but at this point encouraging him to come to the table so to speak is a priority. But again, to resolve the issues the underlying causes need to be addressed. If somehow, even through misunderstanding or puberty, you and/or your partner have become part of the “them” in some way an independent mediator may be helpful.

My son is 8, so I don't have specific experience with a 14 year old boy who is going through puberty.

Based on my own experience around that age, I can tell you that flux does not sweeten an Aspie teen's temperament. So the best thing is going to try to keep things as stable as possible, which I know is going to be going to be tough given the prospective marriage (I know you have been living there 2 years, but the fact that you will be step mom, formally may matter to him) and a possible school change.

The other thing is to try to get information from him about what may be bothering him. Did he have bullies? Does he have friends? Does he have a lot of sensory issues? Does he have special interests he can distract himself with?

***Possibly controversial point*** Regarding the porn: Aspie males are not necessarily successful with the ladies b/c of the whole social jockeying thing that goes on in school. I always liked guys who probably in hindsight were either Aspie or fellow travelers, but most girls at school will be NT. Even the ones who are Aspie might have to deal with nonsense from other girls about dating someone with particular social statuses. He may be bitter about it. Sometimes this is the case. Regardless, he probably needs a safe outlet even more so than an NT boy. (I am not an Aspie male, so this is only a guess) You might want to consider allowing some kind of sexually-oriented media that does not offend your family's sensibilities. Even if he has an underwear catalog or something, that might be a good compromise. It might make him less edgy for lack of better phrasing.

Anyway, that is a tangent, but getting to the main points, if you could get him in a somewhat less defensive moment (or if your husband can) maybe you can find out what is wrong to help him calm down. He is going to need to learn calming techniques regardless, but if you can make the environment as stress-free as you can while you are working on it, it may be less difficult on everyone.

I have a blog dedicated to NT/Aspie relations... The Warped Lens of Perception The "Care and Feeding of Your Aspie" series should help you out a little...

As for behavioral problems, some of that MAY be aspergers... but then it may not be AS

I can't say those behavioral problems are Asperger's. They're not in the core description, and I know too many Aspies that don't act like that.

I can say a bad attitude goes with a lot of the collateral damage. How many times can life kick you, without you even really understanding WHY (Other than, "Because you're bad," or "Because I say so," or "Because you are in a minority") before your reaction turns to indifference, willful noncompliance, and hostility (basically, before you start singing Iago's song from Aladdin 2: "From here on in, I'm lookin' out for ME.")

I can tell you what worked for ME when I was a 12-year-old girl with a recently deceased mother, a whole lot of pain and confusion, and a real pisser of an attitude.

My dad sat down, over the course of several months, and just levelled with me. As if I were an adult. "This is what I need from you, this is what I want from you, and this is why." He did not get his way entirely (mostly, but not entirely). There was negotiation involved. I appreciated, so much, the fact that here was someone who was willing to treat me as an intelligent person, indeed as an equal person, and actually have a care to hear my point of view, that I for the most part went along once I understood.

Now-- I (mostly) had control of my temper. I already understood that I couldn't, say, harm other people or smash things just because I was melting down. I had the concept, if not the entire mechanics, of "Get a GRIP, young lady." And I didn't have testosterone to deal with, or a whole lot of institutional pressure to be something I wasn't.

I don't know what WILL help you. But, no matter what anyone says, heavy judgmental behavior and lots of criticism WON'T. That's just going to get you more anger, and deafer ears. Not in the sense of WON'T hear-- in the sense of CAN'T hear, through all the emotional noise.

Feralluce,

I checked out your blog! I will definitely read more when I get the time. It is really enlightening to have the perspective of an adult who has dealt with AS. Thank you so much! I should be receiving the books I ordered in a day or so. I'll keep you posted.

Thank you again, all of you!