calling the police?

Post Reply New Topic

My son is 11, and he's turning into a strapping young man. When he has his tantrums, he hurts, a lot. The advice I have been given, 100% across the board, is to call the police, that he needs to know there are consequences for his behavior.

I don't think I can do it. But it's just a matter of time before something really bad happens.

Could you even considered calling the police on your child? How hard would it have to get before you did? Is there any point to it other than "scaring him straight" or giving him a record?

I just don't know what to do about it anymore. He's in therapy 5 days a week and goes to a special school for autistic kids. I keep hearing that I'm his "soft space," so he takes everything out on me. I don't want him to think I've turned on him. But there is no question that this is domestic abuse.

Any ideas?

Bless your heart! Thankfully, my son was never one to lash out physically. He's a big guy, too. As I have no experience with this type of behavior, I feel unqualified to answer, but just wanted you to know that I hope it gets better for you.

My son pulled it together just before we reached this point. We had considered it, if only for my safety and the safety of my son - but we never actually reached that point.

Before you do that, I would go to the police department and find out what their policies are. Our department just attended an autism training where we get services, and when they left they gave each of us a form to fill out (we aren't, as we don't feel we need one) to identify our child as having special needs and what to do. You can also have your child temporarily committed, although I've not heard stories of that being successful in the long run.

I don't think your son will be "scared straight." I am guessing he does not want to lash out and would stop if he were able - so a threat isn't going to cause him to stop. What you might get from police are people trained to diffuse a difficult situation and physical help if you need it - but be aware that not all police departments use the same techniques or take care.

There's a section on this in the Parenting Index, you can review threads there for those of us who've had a violent child. I agree - it is domestic abuse (even if your son can't help it) and you need support and help to get through it. Can you get some kind of respite care for home?

As I am an autistic myself, my suggestion to you would be to find out the trigger for your son's violent behaviour and see if that can be remedied. It maybe environmental factors or other that may be causing him to have violent temper tantrums. As for calling the police, since he is only 11 I am not sure legally what support the police could provide - it all depends on where you live and the laws on mental health in place. In that case, I would research the mental health regulations in your area. Where I am, all the police can really do is arrest someone and either transport them to a hospital or charge them with a criminal offense.

My middle child (ADHD, ODD) went to public school for one semester when he was nine. About halfway through, I caught him stealing from teachers and the bookfair. He had stolen several books, adding up to over $50.00. He had been coming home with little miniature beanie babies and such items fairly regularly, but he had been telling me that he was getting them for prizes in his reading pull out. After I got him up to the school about the books, I found out that he had been stealing those items from his teachers. That they were room decorations. Yes, I believe that they were very lax in supervision since they allowed a child to walk out carrying a pile of books that he hadn't paid for (on purpose), but my son knew what he was doing was wrong.

They ended up calling in the school resource officer to kind of scare him straight, and when that didn't make an impression we took him to the juvenile court where the judge ordered him to do community service for ten hours (he couldn't pick up sticks with the big kids at the park, because of his age, so he had to work for an elderly church member for a couple of weekends). Nothing went on his record, because he was nine at the time. If he had been ten, with the amount involved, the school would have been required to file charges against him. We took it very seriously and, really, we overreacted, but it did all make a big impression on him that stealing was never okay and that he didn't want to be in court when there would be the option to send him to juvie or other consequences.

My oldest (HFA) went through a few years where he would just explode from frustration and annoyance and try to seriously attack whoever had triggered it--usually his brother, once one of the other neighborhood boys and his brother. He is a very big kid. Since he turned five he's always been in the 99th percentile for height and weight. I am tall for a woman and pretty heavy. If I had been any smaller when he was 11 and doing this, someone would have gotten hurt. I came incredibly close a couple of times to calling the police, and did call in male relatives for back-up a couple of times. We still haven't replaced his bedroom door where he kicked holes in it trying to get out after I shoved him in there to keep him from hurting anyone.

He has gotten much better at both managing himself so he doesn't get as stressed (mostly through removing himself from the situation. He is always allowed to retreat to his room), and then controlling himself better when he does get really angry. He had a mini explosion last month. The first in 18 months or so, and I quickly realized when I got between him and his brother that, things look different when they are the same height as you. Luckily, he pulled himself back enough to go to his room by himself. I am not sure that I am still capable of putting him there if decides not to go. I don't want to call the police on him. I don't want them poking their noses in my business, and I don't think anything they can do is going to teach him the kind of lesson that it taught my middle son. BUT safety for me and my other kids (the youngest is only four) is more important and I will call them if he is hurting people and won't stop.

He does know this. We've talked about it when he's calm and not on the topic that set him off.

So yes, I have considered it. Have done it, and in certain safety issue situations, I would do it again. I don't know that it would help other than to stop a rampaging, dangerous fit.

Thank you so much for your stories and support. I think I will call my police department and see what the procedure would be. My son's BHP thinks I should go to quick care to get checked out (and to have it documented) but I think I'm going to make due with ice packs and Tylenol. My son's "trigger" was when I reminded him that his BHP was due to arrive in 10 minutes. With no warning he went from happy kid to full on attack. I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just shook up.

Thank you again for your kind words.

I wonder if sending him to respite care would be better. I know what you mean about safety and I suppose it really depends on how physical he's getting with you - what size he is in comparison to you - and if the triggers can be prevented. Once upon a time, I considered on sending my son to foster care because he was quite physical towards me as well. I was desperate and I really didn't want to be calling the police either because they are not trained to deal with special needs individuals. What I DID do that really really helped was put him on the GAPS diet (program). He is now 12 years old and has been on this program for a little over a year. He has made quite a turn around and is able to use the strategies we've been teaching him for years. Yes, the odd time he will hit/kick me (scream, cry, and tantrum) but even then, it's not as intense as it used to be.

Funny, I was JUST talking with his school's support worker after school today and she was mentioning how sweet my son is. I thanked her and then said, "He wasn't always." .. and she said, "I heard!!" So yes, I no longer fear of having to put him in foster care or calling the police, etc.. and I hope he won't have a relapse once he's in high school either.

I will second what your BHP said. If nothing else, it will send the message to your son that this was serious enough for you to need medical care. Secondly, don't discount the documentation - we fell through the cracks in our school system because they weren't documenting things that happened, and we only got back on track because I sent follow-up emails to everyone detailing everything I knew about every single outburst.

Seriously, I know it is a pain in the butt - go see a nurse or doctor. You may be glad you did later.

The scared straight tactic was tried with my brother, who was schizophrenic, and would have violent black out episodes. It did not work, the police tazered him twice and broke his arm because he threatened to commit suicide. When he fell he broke a window (needed stitches from this) and he was charged with destruction of public property, assault on an officer, obstruction of justice, resisting arrest, and a few other charges. He was eighteen, and so they took him to jail. He lost his job, and his apartment because he was in jail. My parents ended up spending almost $15,000 on the court case that was originally intended as our college fund. My brother never really recovered from this, he was very untrusting and started drinking. He had a deep fear of the police, and authority. He was never independent again, refused all help, and then succeeded in killing himself.

I really feel calling the police on him was what killed all trust and communication with him. It was like threatening to divorce a spouse without really meaning it. I think the only time the police should be called is when the person calling is completely ready to cut that person out of their life, such as in a life or death situation.

The other big problem with calling the police is that the moment they are alerted they are completely in control, and the parents are not. They can do what they want, charge everyone with whatever, and there is no stopping the process. It's like letting a rabid dog in the front door. Not that all police officers are bad, I am very grateful they are available. I just had a really bad experience with my brother, and I worked at a job where I saw a lot of court cases, and it was amazing how much human and bureaucratic errors there were all around. The police are an excellent resource as a last resort, but not a good idea for those domestic disputes that could be handled in another way.

I apologize if I sound extreme on this, but it's only been two years since my brother's death and it's still painful. Having a child with violent behavior is very difficult and emotionally taxing to deal with. If there are therapeutic methods to try I would do those first. I meet a lot of people that are fond of scared straight tactics, but I've only ever witnessed negative outcomes. I'm sure there are times it works, but it's risky, and it may be less effective in cases with developmental or behavioral issues.

Teaching him about the judicial system, having him visit court, watch educational videos, tour a prison, etc. as suggested previously may be a way to let him know how serious it is without giving him a criminal record or causing the financial, and emotional problems that calling the police causes. When children are under age the parents are responsible for everything (court fees, etc.) whether they are the victims or not, and can find themselves charged with lack of supervision, negligence, as well.

My social skills are poor, and I feel like I've said inappropriate things in this post, but I'm not sure exactly where, and I'm trying to be helpful--but not sure if it's working? I apologize for that and hope this is coming across better than I think it is. Good luck with your son. I worry I'm going to be in a similar place in a few years with my own son, simply because I can't seem to get him to obey any rules at all. Although with his obsession with locks, their inner workings, keys, and now lock picking he may end up going down another path entirely, ha ha.

Making your home and its culture a safe place wherein no family members fear being beaten and harmed needs to the top priority in your son's treatment at this time. I know that I am stating the obvious, but I'm not sure I am reading any adequate discussion of this here in this thread.

Is violent behavior towards you the priority topic of your son's therapy sessions?

I'm pretty sure he already knows there are consequences. The vast majority of the time, when an autistic kid acts like this, they are not choosing to act like this and are not in control of what they are doing. In that situation, if increasing the consequences will have any effect at all, it will generally make things worse instead of better.

Increasing consequences only works if the kid is actually in control of the behavior. And autistic kids are no more likely to engage in deliberate violence than non-autistic kids.

I disagree. It reads to me that there are no consequences for the son when he hurts his mother. Where there are no consequences; how would one project what consequences might exist? Am I missing something?


But not totally out of control, right? Apparently the boy does not physically attack anyone except his mother and only in the home. That implies some degree of control, does it not? Also he is not lashing out blindly, otherwise she could easily evade the blows. Clearly he is attacking her directly; that indicates control.

The boy is the subject of various interventions. I am not at all sure what the BHPs are, but they sound like advisers of some sort. (Yes I checked acronym dictionaries.) He is also in therapy. Why go such lengths if self control is out of the question; especially when it is a question of beating the mother; the provider?

Or are we to simply consider the boy among the criminally insane and leave it at that?

Could you find out what sort of training the staff at your son's school get to handle violent behavior (safety holds, self-defense, etc) and go get trained in it yourself? Perhaps martial arts classes for yourself as well?

Okay, intense reactions here.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother aligerous. And that's exactly what I want to avoid. Police and mental health issues don't mix well, in my mind. Which is why I was questioning, what's the point in calling them?

A BHP is a behavioral health professional, and what she does is teach and model appropriate social behaviors. It's been very effective for him. For example, he learned that other people have emotions and how to pick up on them correctly. What he's been working on lately is how to identify and manage his own emotions.

His school is specifically designed to help kids with behavioral problems. He's in a combined 6th - 9th grade classroom (huge improvement when he wasn't bored doing grade level work) with 8 other kids, a teacher, 2 ed techs, and a social worker in the classroom. The class is about 60% autistic kids. They deal directly with outbursts and tantrums, and he also has the opportunity to watch and learn from other kids' experiences.

He has control over who he attacks. It gets very physical with me, and he targets his teacher, too, kicking her every once in a while. He doesn't go after kids, or any adult who he thinks might go back after him. He does not only attack me at home, but he tries not to have an audience, no one who might intervene on my behalf, anyway. And he does have consequences. For example, he's currently on a technology grounding. That's a tough row to hoe, because he forgets why he was grounded in the first place, and twists it around that I am being cruel to him. Even when he snaps, he swears that I "earned it." I am pretty good at avoiding his attacks, when I notice they're coming. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I refuse to coddle him, per his therapists' treatments. And then, I don't know, I guess I do earn it. See, I'm getting the mindset of an abuse victim. It's pretty bad.

Do I think he's criminally insane? No. I worry that he's going to have an entrenched habit of domestic abuse, and that when he doesn't live with me anymore he'll find someone else to do it to.

I don't know if anger management would help. I don't know if CBT or DBT would work on an autistic patient, with the emphasis on mindfulness and making choices.

I'm really afraid that I'm going to wait too long, that I'll spend too much time searching for the magic ticket to get through to him, and that he will do something that will take any decisions about what to do with him out of my hands. Kids are put in foster care for the safety of their families. How that could help, I don't know. They'll just be violent toward their foster family. I don't know. Just make sure there are good locks on my bedroom door so I can escape from him if I need to, and keep looking for a better solution, I guess.

Do you know what his cognitive and cognitive social ages are? You can see how they measure up with the NT age recommendations for those interventions to see if that might help you with what might be worthwhile to try.

I am so sorry you are having these problems.

You; your survival and well being; would be the point in calling them. You say that he does not attack you anywhere someone could effectively intervene on your behalf. Also he does not attack other kids. Perhaps they seem, to him, unwilling to use restraint in their natural self protective responses. He understands by experience that his teacher will not reflexively lash back at him. He is canny about his victims.

Yep, intense reaction. Because it's an intense situation. You have been living in an increasingly dangerous home. Seen fresh, it's intense.

I know a father who allowed his son to abuse family members, he did not prevent it because he wanted 'Johnny' to come to his own decision to behave morally. That was a lose/lose approach. Each time 'Johnny' lashed out he became more solidified as an abuser. 'Johnny's' father failed him. I don't know exactly what 'Johnny's' mental health issue is but I'm sure he has one.

My suggestion is to treat each episode of abuse as the huge issue it actually is; with instant and tenacious consequences. If law enforcement is the only instant responder available to you; then that's all you've got; you'll have to use them. Yes, they are unpredictable and uncontrollable. Don't confuse yourself, remember, your son is canny about who he attacks.

Your survival and well being is worth protecting. How could your self-protection be wrong for your son?