Single Mom with Adult Son living at home

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Hi - I just took a terrifying leap tonight and called a support group regarding my 28yr son who I believe has Asperger's. He has been living at home for the last 5 years after graduating from college with a degree in accounting. Now he can't (or won't) look for work in accounting or anything remotely related. Right after graduation he went to a friends place 3,000 miles away to look for work. Came back home without any possibilities. I tried to get him to get out and find a job at home but we live in a very rural area, and the recession was in full force. Since then he has applied online (he says) to hundreds of jobs, and hasn't received any call backs.
I'm an older mom who is still working full time to pay off his student loans. As of now, he pretty much sleeps all day, is on his computer either playing games or talking to his online friends all night. We hardly see each other except to eat one meal when I get home. Then the conversation is all statistics, impersonal. His room is a total disaster, he doesn't take care of himself, clean up after himself, no personal hygiene. I really would like some suggestions on how to motivate him to do anything!
It all came to a head when his older brother came home for the holidays and we had a long conversation about him. I realized I am being an enabler by feeding/clothing and paying his bills; probably due to my guilt of not having a father around.
I knew in high school he only had one or two friends, thought he would adjust in college and start his life, but not so. After 5 years I think he's regressing even further, says now no one will hire him. Although I have mentioned Asperger's before he insists he would rather not know if he has it, because "there is nothing he can do about it". We finally had a talk and he says now if I call a professional he would go to talk about it. Problem is he is very intelligent and would probably put on a charade that could convince anyone he is perfectly "normal"! The place I called is an employee Assistance Program, paid for by my employer. I believe they do an initial consultation and refer us, after that it's all up to us, or him. I need some suggestions on how to proceed with this.

I am 29 and I have AS and I live at home with my mom. Any job I have gotten is because I had social connections. It had nothing to do with my intelligence or qualifications. Do you have any social connections that would enable you to get your son a job?

Wish I did. Trouble is I have spent the last 20 years raising my two boys and working to make ends meet. Never really connected much with friends or associates after moving. And my son really hates it here, I guess because of all the problems he had in high school with friends, small town. all that. But I can't afford to let him move somewhere else and have to pay for that too.

I am not a medical professional, but he sounds depressed to me. Hopefully, even if it is on his radar to try to hide the AS, hopefully they can at least figure out that he is depressed. I think EAP usually covers a limited amount of sessions, not just one. If he is receptive to that and you run through it, you might see what is available in your area that is free or on a sliding scale. It is hard in a rural area, I know.

Assuming he has AS, that will give him more insight into his situation, but he has to accept that on his own. I would not be so hard on yourself for "enabling. " It is often harder for kids with AS (even very high functioning ones) to launch, and they often do need more cushioning.

So much about getting a job depends on social contacts and general schmoozing ability. Employers look for a "good fit" and Aspies tend to come off as not a "good fit." The failure to launch thing can be really be depressing and hit really hard at self esteem. After a certain amount of failure it is just hard to keep going b/c every failure to get an interview/2nd interview/job/etc strikes on a very personal level. The economy right now is really hard, and that makes it extra competitive out there which is not necessarily an environment a lot of Aspies thrive in.

You are so right ASDMommyASDKid about the failure and deepening depression every time my son tries to "fit in". I really blame myself now for letting it go on so long. When we had our talk, he said he didn't feel depressed, probably because (from my point of view) I had given up talking, cajoling, demanding, threatening that he get a job, any job! I learned about AS about 2 years ago, thought that might be an answer but never pursued it, life got in the way. Now I've taken the first step at least.
I have looked over all the recommended reading and would like to find some books preferably not fiction about the way an Aspie adult processes information and also one I could give him that doesn't mince words about AS but also doesn't paint a glorified picture of becoming a CEO! Haven't found any. Could anyone recommend some?
I have at least learned on WP that the road ahead is not insurmountable, and there are many other moms who are going through much worse. Thank you for that.

At some point, he has to take responsibility for himself. A 5-year break after college is long enough, I think. It's time for him to start doing something with his life.

Finally heard from the EAP I contacted yesterday. Seems they only deal with mental health issues in general, not specific testing for ASP. They are willing to meet with my son and do an "evaluation." Best of all, when I talked to my son and told him someone would be calling him for an appt. he didn't blink; said OK! Always before he would get defensive, belligerent and eventually storm out of the room. Hope eternal.

Awesome!

Hi Arial,

I can sympathise, I was in a similar state to your son some years ago. It can be extremely damaging to a man’s self worth if he doesn’t have a purpose.

Doing one big jump into a job might sound scary. Might I suggest small steps. For example, I volunteered in a charity shop, spent time on a protest camp, travelled round Europe with almost no money, worked as a waiter, worked as a care assistant in nursing homes, did temp work stacking shoes and telephone directories, and eventually hit my stride.

Now I run a small business making web applications for interesting companies.

Little by little is the thing. Start small and simple. Charity shops and homeless shelters often need helpers.

It's also worth noting that if he is ASD he's likely running off a ruleset. His ruleset may not include the concept of personal responsibility or the difference between being awake at night or in the day.

Just speaking from personal experience here, this may not apply to your son.

He can acquire these rules by reading, from a mentor, or by going on a course. I went on a course called insight. Not sure if they run them anymore. It was useful to me.

Just thinking further.

Take any opportunity to put good data into him. Leave books lying around. Bear Grylls has a great book, as does Richard Branson. Rich dad, poor dad and richest man in Babylon are nice logical reads. What colour is your parachute is a great book on finding a job.

He may also benefit from a mentor. Do you know any older men who have had similar life experiences to him, but who have come out alright? Role models are important. Church is a good place to look. A friend of mine acts as a mentor to younger men through his church, helping them to find their way.

I like superluminary's idea of making small steps. It is very possible that he has applied to a lot of jobs online. They use personality tests that even though they say there are no right answers, there def are right answers.

Since he's living in your home and your supporting him, I think that you as a parent have a right to expect some things of him such as keeping a decent room, having some level of personal hygiene, and putting some effort into job searching. It's def important to be clear about expectations though. Start with a goal of a decently clean room and a shower every other day.

It can be demoralizing to be rejected over and over by jobs, so you have to be understanding of that.

Has he looked at volunteer opportunities? If anything, he could have something to put on his resume, and get some experience working with people. Sometimes it can lead to paid positions.

Accounting is one of the more in demand fields, because not everyone is good with math. Do you know if he's getting interviews or not?

Tax season is upon us, often times companies hire temp accountants to help with tax season rush.

I read this article recently on Employment Strategies for Adults on the Spectrum. Here is the direct link to the article (http://nationalautismnetwork.com/blog/1 ... -spectrum/ ). Hope this helps to maybe provide some direction. You do have to be a member to read it, but it's free.Employment Strategies for Individuals on the Autism Spectrum

Great!

Its time for him to get any job even if its shoveling mule sh*t. It's more about the experience of working for/with other people for better or worse.

Spending all his time in his room, being socially withdrawn and not motivated to do much....those could all be depression, and it could be related to AS, or to social anxiety, or to any number of things. It's not important for you to diagnose him before seeking treatment (that's what professionals are for). If he doesn't like the label of AS, and if it's not pronounced enough that he's needed it in school, I wouldn't push it on him.

The question of whether to seek treatment for any behavioral or mental health issue really comes down to distress and impairment. Is he impaired from living an independent happy life? The answer here is clearly yes. Is this problem causing him significant distress? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then it's a problem, and something should be done to try to address it. Psychologists/therapists/psychiatrists/employment counselors may be able to help. If you do seek mental health treatment, I would try to go to either someone who specializes in Adults with AS, or someone who does cognitive behavioral therapy.

There is a specific treatment called "Behavioral Activation" that emphasizes improving mood through positive routines and activities (waking up the same time every day, going for walks, etc.). If there is a depression component to his difficulties, that could be helpful. I like the approach because it is effective and very concrete (which could appeal to someone on the spectrum). Here's a workbook, if you want to try a self-help route, or you could look for a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who could help your son through such a program. http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Depres ... 1572243678

First, thank you all so much for your encouragement and suggestions. I had to go back to work after to holidays and couldn't respond. My son did go to the EAP meeting and I only asked him how it went, he simply replied OK I guess! Made a point to tell me not to phone and ask what was discussed, because he IS an adult, which I knew all along. He does have another appointment for next week and I believe he'll go, but I think if the counselor was looking for signs of depression, he was able to hide it very well. I will ask him to get some referrals if possible and see if he is ready to make some changes. Small steps as superluminary suggests.
Also got two books coming- hopefully he'll see himself in one of them and make a good decision. He had suggested about a year ago he could help out with a charity organization, said it would look better on his resume and I suggested one not too far from here, but he never followed up on it. I know of no one around here who knows anything about ASD, or if they know, they are keeping it in the family just as I wanted to. He has no father figure, just his internet friends, and none of them are close.

I most certainly agree that I should expect a least a clean room and clothes, etc. That is something I can and will control, because if left up to him we would be living in filth. Thanks for that reminder.

When he went to college I thought he chose exactly the right profession to go into because he was very good at math, working with numbers all day. He has had exactly one interview at a CPA's office and that was 4 years ago. I really think he could land an accountant's or even a bookkeeper's job if they only looked at his skills. But he never gets that far, I call it sabotaging himself with some error in his resume, or wearing different color socks!! Is it intentional or is this just the nature of the spectrum? Or maybe he is just too overwhelmed with the thought of any job. I will be looking for any ads for tax season.

Did you know that the B-52 bomber CAN fly without it's tail? This is what he tells me when I come home from work. He describes how it manages to do this in detail. I can't help but think his mind must be swirling with all these statistics every day and doesn't have room for the mundane things like making life work!