How can I help my son?

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DS5 had some difficulty over the weekend at his best (and probably only) friend's birthday party, and I wondered if anyone might be able to help give me pointers how best to guide him in the future.

At the start of the birthday party, two of his friends from his former preschool (the birthday boy "J" and another mutual friend "S") approached to play with him, as they were very happy to see him. I was happy to leave them alone to tend to DS2, so DS5 could reconnect with his friends. I wasn't present during the actual incident, but a few minutes later I see DS5 making angry faces in the corner with S and J still trying to play with him, but DS5 refusing. He would not play with anyone. I asked what happened, and DS5 (in full angry voice mode) said that S banged his train which dropped, and he didn't say "sorry" (a major offence to DS5). I said I understood that made him feel bad but perhaps it was an accident or he was playing with him, and S really liked him a lot so couldn't he try to still have a good time? He insisted (in front of his friends) that he now hated S and didn't want to play because he wasn't being nice and had to say sorry, at which point the other boys left him by himself. I was at a loss what to do. He would not interact with any of the other kids during the party. He then had another incident with another boy who somehow bumped into him, and DS5 got angry at him too, yelling and making angry faces, insisting that the boy had to say sorry to him. I told DS5 that the boy's parents must be around and would handle disciplining the boy, but he should stay away from him since it's causing a problem and we don't want to make it worse, but instead try to have a nice time anyway. He expressed the desire to physically retaliate, but I was able to talk him out of doing that, explaining how it would certainly make things worse and he always has to do the right thing no matter what anyone else does. Emotionally, he couldn't let it go, and it was disheartening to see him get derailed so easily and not recover from minor incidences with his peers. I do consistently teach DS5 to say sorry when he hurts someone, even accidentally (usually at home with his brother) and also teach his younger brother to do the same, so it angers DS5 when other people do not follow the same rules. Do you experience any similar troubles with your kids, and how can I best help him at home when he runs into situations with him involving other kids? How can I help him to be more flexible and recover better? It hurts to see him alienate his friends and peers, and set himself up to be ostracized.

It might have helped to go for a walk and let him vent in a way that wouldn't hurt anyone. Or just go home. Sometimes the situation itself is just too stressful. All those people and no clear rules... An unstructured party is not like school, or even recess. He might need time and experience to figure out how to manage it.

Some kids need you to spell it out that the rules are different everywhere. In a new setting, you need to figure it out, and sometimes Aspies need more time and effort, or specific instructions. On the playground you can run and scream. In church you need to sit and be quiet and try not to fidget. At Aunt Tillie's house, you need to be careful and not touch the knick-nacks. At Grandmas house you can touch anything you like...

... and sometimes people behave badly but it is a "little deal" and sometimes it is better to let it go.

The black and white thinking gets in the way, and I don't know how to trigger an epiphany. It involves quickly evaluating pros and cons and deciding that outweighs the "principle of the thing."

It also involves impulse control...

There is probably nothing you could have said to make him feel better, except to agree that the other person should have apologized. My daughter is 13 and really big on how people should behave towards her and if she is talking about physically retaliating, then she likely is too upset to rationalize with. He probably wasn't in the mood to socialize and was overwhelmed by the whole party and maybe you could have left with him. I know we want them to enjoy things that other kids would, but unfortunately what seems fun for a NT child may seem like torture to an ASD child.