10 year old quits studies

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we are a odd family. my hubby is kind of weird and i am more or less a aspie type with poor social skills
my parents would have been labelled schizrophenics if they were diagnosed
i grew up in a very bad environment

And now adulthood is not easy
I am a mother of 10 year old boy who is pampered by his father
my hubby gives in to all demands of our son

My son is taking advantage of this fact
he has started neglecting studies
he stopped attending tutions
he stopped opening the books
his classwork is incomplete, his homeworks totally untouched

i took him to a psychiatrist who asked lot of test to be done
i did one of the test
and he is showing some traits of ADHD
the test are expensive my hubby is disinterested
and the doctor was flirting with me

all said and done my son didnt go to school today
just because his classwork was incomplete.

what should i do....
its difficult for me to handle myself.
and now handling this kid is totally taxing.

No playtime until homework was done? My mom never did much pressure behind it, so I could do my homework whenever I felt to it, but until it was done, I was not allowed to do stuff like watching TV or visiting/inviting friends and so on. So I was allowed to do more silent things to calm down from school, but could not engage in more active activities until homework was done.

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, but regardless of being on the spectrum your son needs to do his school work. If your husband is not willing to help with the discipline then unfortunately it is going to be up to you.

I agree with schneekugel - no fun until the work is done. Of course there may be underlying reasons why he doesn't want to do the work and you need to figure those out, but enforcing some discipline is a good place to start. He is old enough to understand the consequences of not doing the work.

You might consider talking to the school to see if they have any suggestions - some school systems are really great about helping and others not so much, but it may be a good place to start as well.

Good Luck

he is bored of studies
and he gets what he wants without studying
so why would he study
he demanded a new shoe
and today didnt go to school
doesnt matter instead of punishing him or being strict my hubby is bringing a new shoe for him

((hug))

Stand up to your husband.

Stimulants of any sort should help ADHD. Give your kid coffee in the morning?

He sounds like he might be gifted, and school isn't challenging. I have ADHD, and when I was on stimulants, it made a HUGE difference! My mind couldn't focus on ANYTHING without them. I also knew all of the material, but would fail the tests due to time limits.

I'm not sure if you should be punishing him OR giving into him. I think he has legitimate problems that need to be dealt with in order for him to function in school. My first advice for you would be to find another psychiatrist. I would just demand he be tried on stimulants. If worst comes to worst, they just won't help him. It won't kill him to try.

If he's refusing to go to school due to unfinished schoolwork, that means he does care about his inability to finish it. Both my sister and I did that. We would try, but get distracted and easily overwhelmed. One thing you could try by yourself is sitting him down and having him do short bursts of school work. Have him take lots of breaks, but short ones. His best bet to start off might be doing work for 15 minutes, and a 10 minute break.

Remember, at 10 years old, he probably doesn't have the language capacity to explain exactly what's going on. You could try to ask him very detailed, "kid friendly" questions to find out more. Ask him how he feels. Ask him if there's something wrong. It could also be bullies at school, depression, anxiety, so on. You'd be surprised at what kids will tell you if you ask and guide them to express their feelings.

I'm sorry you are overwhelmed. You need to sit your husband down and show him a lot of websites and how serious this is. Aside from the issues, I'm not sure it's good to give into all demands made by children. They do have to learn you can't always get what you impulsively decide you want.

Id make an arrangement that he stays after school with a teacher or tutor to help him on homework. Or maybe bring a tutor into your home to help after he comes home from school.

My parents use to sit with me and help me for hours. I was awarded breaks after I've done a certain amount of work. My dad would say "get to question 15 and then I'll bring you a bowl of ice cream" or "write a paragraph and you can watch tv for a half hour". My parents were very patient with me and it worked.

i have send him for tutoring but he just stops attending tutions after a while
he doesnt want home tutor
i skipped my gym to sit with him and tutor him
but he is a difficult kid to handle
and im myself suffering from depression
i cant handle him........

about finding other doctor most of them here just want money
they will fool us with loads of test and no result

Since doctors like to do that crap, I would demand a stimulant for him. If they want to mess around and just take your money, they might as well give you a damn prescription for him.

I would start him on a stimulant, and be sure to get the extended release type. It should be taken twice a day. You can start him on a low dose, and work up as needed. The instant dose only works for a short while. The extended, as implied by the name, slowly releases and will keep him steadily focused for 12 hours.

I would also ask him how to help. A lot of children want to do good, but have a problem. In what areas, specifically, is he bored with? Have you tried giving him advanced material? Gifted children get bored very fast with the easy stuff.

If the psychiatrist did not see anything serious beyond 'hints' of ADHD then really what you could have in your hands, according to what you have described, is literally a child that has learned to take control of his parents. He has learned that you have difficulty handling stressful situations so he creates them (tantrums, behavior, etc) to control you. He knows his father does not back you up when trying to discipline him plus the dad gives the kid anything he wants no matter what.

It is natural for children to manipulate their environment for their benefit. The more control they achieve the stronger the hold to it...and you and your hubby have given him too much control. That kid has no discipline.

Bolded is an important part. Its not about what he wants. Its about his future. What he wants is not important compared to what he will need for his future.

The reason he does not want a home tutor is because he knows he has no control over that situation. Once the tutor is in his home, his 'space', he cannot avoid him (in contrast, if you send him for tutoring then he just doesn't go).

This is where discipline needs to kick in. He needs to experience a limit to what he can get away with. For this you need to have your hubby on your side or it will never happen. You need to sit down with him and show him the child's failing grades and remind him that if the kid does not do well in school he will be a failure in life and that will reflect on him (your hubby) as well. Does he want people to see his child fail/drop out of school and be 30+ years old and still living at home depending on his parents? (this is a cultural attack but... all's fair in love and war I say).

Take away his video games, comics, TV, Ipad/Ipod(etc) and ground him (this means don't let him go out with friends... its from school to the house every day).

Get the private tutor to your house and tell your kid that the tutor only goes away when his grades improve and he starts attending school and doing his homework. He will try to lock himself in his room or cry to daddy to make the tutor go away. Be prepared for that. Let the tutor know the kid will be difficult to start with so the kid does not have the chance to misbehave until the tutor gives up. All this until his grades, attendance and schoolwork improve.

Its harsh, its difficult but you know it needs to happen. He's already 10... soon he will be too old for any kind of discipline to work on him and if that happens his behavioral patterns will be locked that way into his adult life. If he fails in school and is an grown up undisciplined brat he will have little chance of a good future.

+1 on what Dantac said

I think the concept of tough love is hard for many parents, especially parents of kids with developmental disabilities. You want your child to be happy, so the best way to do that seems to be to always give the child exactly what they want. The problem with this is that as parents you have to balance the child's short-term well-being against their long-term well-being. You and your husband both need to understand that in the long-term, your son will be much better served by having an appreciation for the value of delayed gratification. Now is the time to be teaching your child tough life-lessons, like how to be flexible when things don't go his way, how to put off doing what he wants until he has finished doing what needs to be done, and just generally learning how to cope with frustration.

Coddling him too much at this stage in his development will not do him any favors in the long-term, because at some point, the sad truth is: you and your husband will likely be gone, your son will have to fend for himself, and the rest of the world will not coddle him. It is much better for him to be introduced to the cruel realities of the world slowly, and with the support of his parents, rather than suddenly, with no such support.

That doesn't mean you have to be harsh with your son either, you just need to ensure that he is continually challenged and encouraged to develop in such a way that he becomes more independent, more responsible and more emotionally mature over time.

Having this sort of conversation with your husband is probably very hard for both of you, but I think it's important to talk to him from a position of empathy. Of course you both want what's best for your son, but your husband has to remember that long-term piece, because that is one of the most important things that parents can offer children: wisdom, experience, and long-term planning.

If the psychiatrist did not see anything serious beyond 'hints' of ADHD then really what you could have in your hands, according to what you have described, is literally a child that has learned to take control of his parents. He has learned that you have difficulty handling stressful situations so he creates them (tantrums, behavior, etc) to control you. He knows his father does not back you up when trying to discipline him plus the dad gives the kid anything he wants no matter what.

It is natural for children to manipulate their environment for their benefit. The more control they achieve the stronger the hold to it...and you and your hubby have given him too much control. That kid has no discipline.

Bolded is an important part. Its not about what he wants. Its about his future. What he wants is not important compared to what he will need for his future.

The reason he does not want a home tutor is because he knows he has no control over that situation. Once the tutor is in his home, his 'space', he cannot avoid him (in contrast, if you send him for tutoring then he just doesn't go).

This is where discipline needs to kick in. He needs to experience a limit to what he can get away with. For this you need to have your hubby on your side or it will never happen. You need to sit down with him and show him the child's failing grades and remind him that if the kid does not do well in school he will be a failure in life and that will reflect on him (your hubby) as well. Does he want people to see his child fail/drop out of school and be 30+ years old and still living at home depending on his parents? (this is a cultural attack but... all's fair in love and war I say).

Take away his video games, comics, TV, Ipad/Ipod(etc) and ground him (this means don't let him go out with friends... its from school to the house every day).

Get the private tutor to your house and tell your kid that the tutor only goes away when his grades improve and he starts attending school and doing his homework. He will try to lock himself in his room or cry to daddy to make the tutor go away. Be prepared for that. Let the tutor know the kid will be difficult to start with so the kid does not have the chance to misbehave until the tutor gives up. All this until his grades, attendance and schoolwork improve.

Its harsh, its difficult but you know it needs to happen. He's already 10... soon he will be too old for any kind of discipline to work on him and if that happens his behavioral patterns will be locked that way into his adult life. If he fails in school and is an grown up undisciplined brat he will have little chance of a good future.[/quote]
this is what i am trying to do but failing miserably because my hubby isnt supportive.
its a total failure
there are just 2 options open now
1) i should put my son in a boarding school where he will not be pampered he will learn discipline
2) i should divorce my husband and let him keep the child

Today there is a handwritten note from school asking the parents to visit the teacher
students whose academic scores are weak their parents have been called

i wont be going
will ask my hubby to go
all the mess he as created he only should pay for it.

Yep, let him handle it.

While he has a lot of blame in this so do you. Dumping it on him will probably just alienate your hubby even further from getting him to wake up and realize the child needs discipline from both of you. I'd guess he'll be likely to just blame you for it.

The meeting, if you go together, is a good opportunity to bring up the private tutor and the child's need for discipline in his studies. If the father doesn't do it/go with you or won't be on your side for the discipline part then the boarding school would definitely be an option.