DS's Dad

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...is driving me crazy. For a long time he refused to believe that DS could have ASD. Then he accepted the possibility, then he accepted the probability. However, he refuses to believe that any specific behavior is because of ASD. He always thinks DS is being manipulative, or whiney, or stubborn, or just plain bad. Even when I try to explain to him that DS didn't understand him because of the way he phrased something, he doesn't believe me. They have stupid, pointless arguments all the time. I am so sick of listening to the two of them bicker, I often leave the house when they are home together. Also, he (husband) refuses to read any books about ASD.
This is probably just a rant, as I don't know what I can do about it. Last weekend we were in a store and DS needed to pee and DH wouldn't take him to the bathroom because he had started to take him once and poked him in the back. This started an argument wherein DH insisted it was a harmless, directional poke to show DS which way to go. DS insisted it was a painful poke. So then DH wanted DS to apologize before he would take him to the bathroom, but of course he wouldn't ask DS to apologize. He kept saying, "what do you say?" instead. And DS had no idea what to say. And finally I flipped out and made a scene and took DS to the women's bathroom myself. I don't ever want to go anywhere with both of them together again.

Time to lay down the law: read the books, or else.

"You will deal with this or you will find out just how cold and lonely life can be." or something to that effect.

But maybe that's just me. Maybe that would be just the wrong thing.

Perhaps idle curiosity, but Is your husband rigid in his thinking and set in his ways? Does he have difficulty seeing that others might have a different perspective? Are his interests broad or narrow? Does he have a wide social circle?

Yes.
Yes.
Narrow-ish.
He has a lot of acquaintances but no deep friendships.

The thing is, I had him take an online ASD test a few years back and he came out completely NT. I, on the other hand, did not.

Interesting. Online tests can only get you so far. It might be worth having a family visit to a specialist who can advise on the possibility of pursuing an adult diagnosis for one or both of you.

The bathroom thing sounds fishy to me--as in, not quite neurotypical. Husband can't tell son the poke wasn't painful. Pain is in the senses of the perceiver, regardless of intent.

Good luck sorting it out!

Yeah...

Sometimes it is hard for people to understand what is disturbing the hornet's nest and what is not. Alternatively, they get stuck in a mode of thinking where they get hung up on how reasonable something is. Then they think they have to enforce their notion of reasonable.

I would guess part of the problem is you cannot convince DH that these things are problems b/c he cannot see it. Sometimes, you cannot convince the person why something upsets your son. I would try to tell him that it does not matter that he thinks it is unreasonable to be bothered by a "directional poke." An interim point is that it does not matter. He is making your child upset, it is disruptive to the whole family, and it is just easier and better if he does not do it. It is not productive to expect him to apologize for being bothered by something. It is better to just take him to the bathroom when he needs to go, instead of making sure it falls on you. Sometimes pragmatic arguments work especially if your DH has hidden autistic tendencies.

JMHO....

I don't know, I'm so frustrated. One minute DH is saying DS should be on some kind of medication, and the next he's insisting that DS perfectly understands everything he says and just isn't trying. Those two things can't both be true.
I really feel like last weekend was some kind of last straw for me.

I don't think your husband's own feelings are organized or consistent. Thinking he should be on meds sounds like he gets that your son is unusual but wants magic pills to fix it, so he doesn't have to put the work in to understand it and adapt. I don't know that this is what it is, but it sounds like that

Even if your son were on meds, it would still require he put in the effort to understand his child. Meds are not magic and they do not change how a person thinks or all the sensory issues. You can gets meds for certain symptoms if it warrants/requires it, but they don't make a person non-autistic.

I think you need to have a talk with DH when he is not defensive and not right after something happened. I am sure you already tried, but he needs to hash out a systemized consistent notion of how he views your son's autism, so you know how to educate him.

Sing it, sister!

That's all I can muster up to say right now.

IOW, you are not alone in your struggle.