Any parents of ASD children dating or remarried?

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I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years in May. When I first met him, I spent 2 or 3 nights nights at his place and I was able to do this because my 19 year old son lived at home and could watch my 13 year old twin girls. It was such a nice break. Then last fall, we found out about one of my girls having Aspergers and it has been a real struggle on our relationship. I have been really upset and it is taking a long time to get accustomed to the diagnosis and the changes it means to our lives.

My son moved out as soon as we suspected Aspergers and I was relieved that my girls could have their own rooms, but now I miss his help and support because he has always been the only to help me raise my daughters since their father left when the girls were only 8 months old. I can no longer spend the night at my boyfriend's and he spends most of our time together at my house now. I can only get away for a few hours at his place one night per week if I am home by 9:00 pm. I tried coming home at 10:30 pm last Saturday and came home to my ASD daughter having sat on her sister, rubbed lip gloss on her face, then insisted on washing it off with vinegar cleaning spray and throwing various belongings of her sister's all over the room. Of course my NT daughter was upset and crying. So now I can't even really get a break or spend time in my relationship.

My boyfriend is starting to see some of my ASD daugher's meltdowns and I sometimes worry that he will run for the hills. He is really a kindhearted and patient guy and tries really hard to keep her happy. (We all do) He has a 7 year old daughter and I worry she will see a meltdown soon because we are spending more time together, trying to be a family now.

We are aiming to move in together by the summer of next year and then I think I must be crazy cuz how will we ever live with some kind of family harmony?

It is good that you are thinking of these issues now. It will give you some time to work on strategies. You will always have to have a competent caregiving adult around to keep a watchful eye on things, so start researching childcare options (look on a site like www.care.com who can manage 3 kids, with one who is ASD). I don't know if there are any support groups near where you live, but I know that there are sometimes support groups for siblings of autistic children that your NT daughter and future stepdaughter may want to attend together. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful, but make sure you are both on the same page as to how you will deal with discipline and consequences in your home. For example, if your AS daughter attempts what she did to her twin, but on his 7-year old daughter, how will you both handle that? Ironing out these issues beforehand will help make a smoother transition, as you both have to really be on the same page for things to work out.

I really can't see my teenage girls accepting a babysitter, as they would be almost 15 be then. My boyfriend only has his daughter every second weekend, so hopefully we would likely not need one thankfully. The aspergers support group is only once a month and I haven't been to it yet - I have heard that the turn out is very small. I never thought about my ASD daugther doing something like that to my boyfriend's daughter, so that is food for thought. I guess I will have to really think about this decision, but luckily it's not for 15 months. Perhaps I will wait to blend our famililies or maybe things will be different then.

I don't think you'll like this suggestion, but I'd suggest you stall on the blending until it's no longer necessary.

Why: it sounds like it's going to play hell with both his daughter's life and his relationship with his daughter, who's already a child of divorce and is now looking at being the smallest and weakest member of a family where one child is inclined to be violent. Step-parenting an ASD child will take a significant part of her dad's time and energy, too, so the person she'd normally go to for comfort in the situation will be otherwise engaged a lot of the time. You're also looking to make significant changes in the life of your ASD daughter, which isn't likely to improve things.

If you guys can live near each other, great, but I wouldn't push this. And if your ASD daughter is behaving like this with her sister, I suspect her sister won't mind having some supervision around when you're out. It does sound like a good idea, and necessary for you, so that you have some respite.

tarantella - you bring up some valid points - I have been thinking the the same things. I have also thought that it might be better for him to get a place nearby. I also thought about waiting until my kids were all grown up before living with my boyfriend, however now that my daughter has an ASD diganosis, am I to date him for the next 10 years until his daughter is grown up?

I'd say it depends on how your daughter does, and how the parenting goes with his daughter. Your daughter may or may not be living at home in five years, may or may not take a lot of focus. His daughter may or may not be living with him (I'm assuming the mom's around and okay).

It might also help to develop a more flexible idea of relationships/marriage. Committed couples, married or otherwise, live apart for long periods for many reasons. My boss's husband's military and they've lived apart most of their marriage, leaving her a mostly-single mom with a bonus income and a "daddy" she has to reintegrate every several months for a week or so.

This is the thing about dating while parenting: you show up with prior commitments. I'd certainly have been okay with my (AS) ex's staying here for a long time if it hadn't been for the fact that I've got a little girl to bring up, and his behavior...no, I'm not willing to subject her to that. He couldn't handle long distance, and that's part of why he's an ex.

Fwiw, blended families are difficult under the best of circumstances. It's possible that if you were all okay under one roof, you'd just have a different difficult road as a couple with children from prior marriages.

Being nearby is important, though, and so is time together. It may be a good idea to start recruiting respite-friends who can let you get some time with your man.