My son's internet searches

Post Reply New Topic

So I caught my son searching for all kinds of porn but predominately gay porn. I have a blocker on my router but it wasn't working for a while. Now I can see exactly what he searches for. He was mortified when I told him that I knew what he'd been searching for. I'm not going to get into the discussion of gay/straight, but I wonder if this is something that is normal for Aspie boys his age....it seems as if he was obsessed by the number of searches he conducted. Does this mean that he's confused about his sexuality? Is he old enough to know if he is gay or straight? I just don't want him to have a tougher time in society than he already has right now. Again, I'm not arguing about gay/straight etc. Just concerned for my boy.

You don't say how old your son is, but I'm guessing puberty. Is looking at sexual images/thinking about sex a normal and common thing for pubescent boys and girls, Aspie or not, when in puberty? Yes.

You say you don't want to get into a discussion about sexual orientation, yet your question is about that subject. I'm confused.

He sounds like a perfectly normal 14 year old boy. Many men and young men look at same sex pornography. It does not mean that they are gay.
Your son probably has no outlet to express his sexuality through because of his age and his social quirks. He is using the internet as an educational tool as well as an outlet for his sexual needs.
As I see it you have two choices

1) Make a fuss, embarass him and risk having him feel dirty. Bad idea, many young people on the spectrum struggle with sex and relationships anyway (many are actually asexual because the thought of being so close to someone scares them)
2) Take a deep breath and tell yourself that his behavior is typical and healthy. Don't ask him why he takes so long in the shower, either.
3) If you feel that you must address this behavior, then educate him on internet safety and private vs public behavior.

Is he your first son to go through puberty?

You fail to say his age.

Not a parent myself, but I think its a rare male person who doesnt look at porn on the internet occasionally.

Aspie or not.

Hes probably still groping around with which way his sexuality is.

I'm seeing a lot of issues that you are probably concerned about, but in the shock of it probably haven't come to terms with. When you do, it may lead to some important talks with your son about:

1) sexuality and sexual orientation - I'd encourage you to try to be open minded and non-judgmental about this, if you are still in shock, I'd encourage you to take some time and try to get comfortable with the possibility that he may be gay, or not, and that either is fine. That may take some time, but it's worth being ok about it before you bring it up. If/when you bring it up, I'd encourage you to leave it open for him to tell you what he thinks his sexual orientation is whenever he feels like it, but that you are accepting regardless.

2) porn - there are a few important topics to cover regarding porn and teens: all porn is not equal, some is exploitative and actually harms people. He should seek to avoid that. He's a teen, and may be interested in seeing teens in porn, but it's important for him to understand that actual minors in porn is not only illegal, but it often involves exploitation, and can be harmful for the participants, so it should be avoided. Porn also can be very misogynistic, and may show unrealistic ideas of sex, both in terms of what people enjoy, and how people lead up to sex. It's the same as how an action movie is an exaggerated version of reality. So is porn, so he should take everything he sees there with a grain of salt.

3) internet safety - it is so easy to ruin your computer browsing porn sites. If you have any background in computers, which it seems you do, I'd advise him on ways to brows porn, without opening yourself up to identity theft.

4) etiquette - this is uncomfortable for everyone involved, how can he go about exploring his interest in a way that doesn't force other members of the household to be confronted with it regularly.

Since you're also dealing with that ASD element, it's important to break things down into concrete terms, when possible. I think thess conversations will have to be much longer and more uncomfortable for a parent of a kid with ASDs. It's important not to assume that they'll figure anything out on their own (of course you know your kid, so use your own judgment).

It seems to me that there is a twofold problem with porn.

One problem has to do with the power of sex drive. It is SO powerful that it can be disruptive to pretty much every other system providing motivation and drive that exists, including all the systems of social control that create community and enforce collective behavior. This is why George Orwell wrote included the idea of the "Junior Anti-Sex League" in 1984 and why religions traditional claim that God hates sex (despite having created the drives and organs for it, apparently). The problem is that you just can't find a more powerful incentive or a threat that makes it worth giving up sex. This includes all parental authority and this is always a problem for parents with adolescent children who are growing into their sexuality.

The other problem is specific to porn and that is that it can be exploitative. More than the real chance that the production might be exploitative, there is an aspect of image-focused desire that creates a situation in which bodies are being used sexually for the pleasure of another. This is not to say that every person who enjoys porn or uses it as part of their sexual activity is always going to absorb this exploitative attitude, but it is an inherent risk.

I think an interest in sex is unavoidable at that age, and a certain distance from parents is required for individuation and healthy growth of an adult self, but I think a wise parent can really help their children by addressing both the issues of social control that have created and often damaging official morality and the inherent risk of developing and exploitative mentality that comes with use of pornography.

Good luck navigating these troubled waters with your son.

Please make sure you really deal with your own feelings about the morality of sexual desire, particularly homosexual desire, before you get into it with him. If you don't have it together on this, it might be better to give him some space and just encourage him to be discrete. Perhaps he should learn how to use "private browsing" modes and clear the cache.

Edited to add: the risk of developing the exploitative attitude is not a risk that it might come to exist--that attitude automatically exists with porn, but does not really matter because the image is not a person. The problem is that the mind of the viewer may become accustomed to that mode of seeing and see through that lens when looking at a real person and that is a serious problem--one that can interfere with the full enjoyment of the desirability of others.

These days (depending on where you live) being gay and NT might be easier than being straight and being aspie. I don't know that being both gay and aspie would make it that much harder on him. It depends on the attitudes of the people where you live.

None of this is anything that either of you have control over. Think of Schrödinger's cat.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger%27s_cat

You could view him as both gay and straight until you find out for sure, or you can think of it as he is what he is regardless of whether you find out.

That said, I don't know that you know for sure just b/c of Internet searches. He might be curious what gay people do and not want to ask peers or you.

Kinsey found that about 1 out of 3 males he interviewed (yes, approximately 33%) reported having at least one experience with another male during adolescence to the point of orgasm.

Meaning, what I draw from this, that not every person who experiments or is curious during adolescence will identify as gay during adulthood, for that figure is approximately 10%.

Please note: Kinsey's work has been more recently criticized for using unrepresentative samples.

Being young and an aspie and possibly interested in men, he could be at risk of an older man making advances online. Guard against that, preferably without saying explicitly why.

Beyond that, he might just need the 'talk'. From someone who's not you. If he is gay (and it's looking that way) then he needs an accepting male voice to give guidance.

As an asexual autistic myself, I'd just like to point out that many of us aren't identifying as asexual because we're scared of it, but because we just don't desire it.

If you're scared of sex but still have sexual desire, you're not asexual.

My concern with adolescents and teens looking at porn before they have a real life sexual experience is that, if the individual has a tendency to black-and-white thinking, it might cause problems with real living males/females later on. Real people do not look like the porn stars nor do all the things depicted in pornographic images. This can lead to a disconnect or an impediment in deriving true enjoyment out of a real sexual experience later on. These images do make impressions on young minds, and is important in speaking with the young man to educate on the fact that those images are often manipulated by technology, and the porn stars that are in those photos only represent a fantasy, and are not the norm in what a typical sexual experience is. I think managing expectations for the real world needs to be a big part of the education.

dont let him know you are spying on him it will drive him neurotic

at least thats what my mom did me when she was spying on my internet history

Thank you, Ettina. There is so much I have to learn. I appreciate your feedback

this topic actually got me wondering about relative baselines of sexuality in ASDs. In case anyone's interesteed, based on a quick lit search, there doesn't seem to be much research out there, but apparently asexuality is a bit more common among people with ASDs than NTs. There may also be some weak evidence that heterosexuality is more common among males with ASDs and homosexuality may be more common among females with ASDs. The evidence is very weak for both of those claims so it's probably not a big difference if it is there.

Maybe give him "the talk"?
I'm a teenager and I actually hate looking at sexy pictures. Even though I do want to be with a girl within the next few years, porno pictures are disgusting in my opinion. As are TV channels like Playboy, movies where sex scenes are placed in, and sexy magazines.

-crainbebo

Over time, porn serves to make the individual impotent. As Mikassytha wrote, these images do not reflect reality. So there is potential harm to his future relationships. Obviously you'll need to give a lot of thought into what you will say, but I would attempt to address it.

BTW, Kinsey's work has been scientifically discredited.