My Folks Are Always Wanting Me Out...

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For those of you who don't know, I am 33 years old, and still live at home with my mother and 30-year-old sister. As far as I can tell, they're both NT, and it seems they can't hold any long conversation without mentioning the possibility of my leaving home, getting a job, or both. My sister Lauren is freakish about independence, and its clear that if Mom didn't need her help with bills or her car, she'd have left years ago. For the record, I'm not a total leech; my Supplemental Security allows me to contribute every month for rent and such. I pay for my own Internet access and cell phone too, but always hearing some remark about living on my own is disheartening as hell. I've tried it twice before, in 2005 and 2010; both attempts were disasters. I feel so alone a majority of the time, and even though I don;t get to spend much time with my Mom or Lauren every day, knowing they'll be here every night comforts me. I literally sleep much better knowing the people I care about are close by, instead of far away.

Some say I'm codependent, and I suppose that's true to an extent; I go to Christ-centered recovery meetings every Friday, and church on Saturdays. I just can't bear being away from my immediate family for very long; they've been my world ever since I was a kid. Being out in the world makes me feel vulnerable and miserable, but my Asperger's constantly prevents me from sharing my fears in ways my folks can fully understand or accept. Lauren flatly refuses to even believe I have A.S., insisting its an excuse for me to "avoid growing up". I need help, and thought some folks here might have a few ideas. Thanks for reading...

One, you understand that your political allies are no friends of your SSI or the notion of disability, right?

Two, your sister is not freakish about independence; it's normal for people to move away and start their own lives and families once they grow up.

Beyond that: a lot of people have serious trouble accepting the reality of disabilities, particularly neuro/mental disabilities, in their own family, and don't know how to deal with it, also don't want to. If you're on SSI, someone gave you a diagnosis. See if you can get your sister to visit with the psychologist who diagnosed you and learn a little about it. Be warned, though, that if she does accept the diagnosis, she may get pretty weird and not know how to treat you, may be uncomfortable around you.

She may also be trying subtly to warn you that she does not intend to look after you after your mom passes. If that is indeed the case, you need someone to help you plan for what you'll do then, where you'll live, etc. Unless your mom's ill, that probably won't happen for quite a while, but it's something to keep in mind.

I was diagnosed with A.S. this past September, after reading some about it and going through a psychological evaluation. My mother and sister have been on my back about these things for several years, and this new diagnosis seems to have divided them a bit. My mother's sympathetic about half the time, and I bought Tony Attwood's book, but reading it is frustrating because its all about children. I got less than a chapter into it before giving up.

Have you thought of getting a mini-flat in your mums neigborhood? So on one side you could train to be independent, to your daily housework on your own, care for your flat and groceries. On the other side your family would still be available to you

The fact that this is a relatively new diagnosis means you have to go through the adjustment process with them at an age where I do think it is harder. Your sister is 30, and her opinions of you are set and rigid. Your mom may be more flexible because maybe she saw signs in you as a little one. Your sister is 3 years younger than you, and would not have had that kind of insight to observe those kinds of things, in all probability.

Also your mom is getting help from you sister, so sh may also have greater insight on needing help.

I do think they are worried about your future, and maybe your sister wants to be able to be on her own, when your mom passes. She may feel she is helping take care of both of you now. I don't know.

I don't know a way t make all of you happy, but you do need to figure out what will happen if your sister does not want to live with you. Even if you are contributing financially (which is great!) that does not mean that she will not want to live on her own.

The last time I lived alone, it was about a half-hour away from my folks, and I hated it. The unending silence was unbearable, no matter how I tried drowning it out with music or the TV. My emotions went crazy, with all sorts of terrible things popping into my head. I went to doctors for help (I'm also an epileptic), and each one gave me a new pill without taking me off the previous one. At one point, I was taking five different prescriptions, and had 3 major seizures in two days! I also developed body tremors for about a month, because of a conflict with the different drugs.

I love my Mom and sister, and I don't want to stand in the way of their dreams, but I honestly don't believe I was ever supposed to live alone. Mom even sent me to a homeless shelter for a few weeks, after a fight over the job issue. That was 13 years ago, but I still wrestle with resentment over it sometimes. Combined with the one woman I've ever loved romantically being firmly indifferent, the only thing that makes me want to live is a small bit of hope that somehow, some way, things will get better. I want to believe it will happen soon, but I don't feel it at all. I've never been happy with myself alone, even as a kid, but felt I had no choice since no one would accept me. I hear folks with PHDs and such talk about being "whole by yourself", which makes zero sense to me. I know I'm rambling, but desperation's truly a b***h.

I believe Lauren loves me, but you're right in that she would never support me. She wants to travel the world, seeing all kinds of places...and I think deep in her heart, she still sees me as more of a burden than anything else.

My son also gets lonely by himself. So, I understand. My son is only 8, but he doesn't like to spend too much time in a different room from us, other than when he is sleeping and it used to be not even then. He was always that way, and would cry when I went to the bathroom, when he could not see me, as a baby. When they would try to give him timeouts at school, they quickly realized he would become more upset, if no one was there. I can why this would be hard for you. Maybe if you had a room-mate, it might go better?

ASDMommy hit pretty much all the points I would have. Before your diagnosis, they couldn't understand why you would not "launch," as some people call it. Now they worry what will happen when your mother gets sick or passes on. While tradition has allowed daughters to stay with mothers as adults, the perception is that men are supposed to strike out on their own. Except, of course, as you know - you really weren't built for that.

Sometimes people with ASD live in group homes with others that also have ASD, and that can be a way for you to feel like you are creating your own life without having to deal with being alone. It could be worth finding out if there is anything like that in your area and if there are, if you like them at all; each one will be different. Perhaps ask your therapists for recommendations or leads.

Overall, though, adulthood is tough on those with ASD. Services and opportunities are limited. But don't let that stop you from looking and asking. You don't have to make a change currently; just give your family confidence that you would know how to find an acceptable situation should the time come.

Thank you for letting us know things from your perspective. My daughter is 13 and was just diagnosed in November and I have wondered about when she will be mature enough to move out one day. I have been a single parent since my daughters were 8 months old and I was looking forward to some freedom in the near future. (My 19 year old son moved out last fall) It is taking her twin sister and I a while to come to terms with what the aspergers diagnosis will mean for all of us in the future.

Hearing about your awful struggles about living alone makes me realize I would never be happy making my daughter leave one day - I will have to wait until she wants to. I can see how awful that must make you feel to have them talk about you leaving all of the time, when it is such a huge threat to your security.

Maybe you could find some groups through your therapist for adults for support and fun. If your mom and sister see you making a step toward independence it might help some of the pressure at home. It also might be a great way to see how other adults in your community are handling their living situations.

At some point you do need to sit down with your sister and talk about your future. If you are going to have to work towards living away from her, you should give yourself as much time as possible.

I don't really have an answers for you on this topic but as a parent it is one that I worry about constantly. My son is only 9 and I think when the time comes he would do ok on his own, but just ok isn't good enough. With the behaviors he exhibits at this age, I can't see him being able to hold a job so living on his own would be extremely difficult. I want him to live the best life he can and have come to terms with the fact that that may mean him living home with his dad and I. When we're gone, I don't know.

As far as your sister goes, in my opinion, you need to talk to her. It certainly won't be an easy one for either of you... I think most of us have been in situations where we've had to have a talk with someone that we didn't want to. It makes you nervous, sick to your stomach even (in my case I once broke out in hives I was so scared)... but I think once the air is cleared (there may be some yelling involved I'm guessing) you'll feel much better and that's what it's all about in the end, getting to a place where you are all comfortable together and not taking swipes at one another.

I wish you luck

It's interesting that your 30 yo sister also lives at home. Has she ever tried living on her own? Are you sure it's primarily out of feeling obligated to help your mom, or are there other issues that are keeping her from "launching"?

What kind of help does your mom need? Just financial, or does she also need assistance with daily living tasks to the point where she wouldn't be able to live alone? I wonder if there's some opportunity here for you to learn how to help your mother more and take over some tasks your sister currently does?

My sister can't save money to live alone, when she's helping out with bills and paying for her car. She's also going back to school this fall, and is paying off an overdue credit card. She just started working for the Texas immigration department, but is thinking of switching jobs again since her bosses didn't train her properly.

I don't know the situation, but it is possible that while she is "pitching in with the bills" she may be living at home for her own reasons to "save money" to pay off her credit card and take classes. I am not sure this is substantially different from you pitching in with your SSDI, and staying at home. It sounds like your sister has goals she wants to accomplish that she could not do on her own, unless she is capable of going to school and paying her bills, being on her own if she were not helping your mom out, too.

All I know is that every couple of days, one of them will bring up my living alone, and my sister's always more excited about it. We were having a conversation about something else not long ago, and one of my previous attempts came up. She said something like, "Yeah, that was great. You were out, and I had fun." She either doesn't know how such things affect me, or doesn't care. I've tried explaining things, only to get responses like, "So, you're cool with staying at home for the rest of your life?", usually followed by a disappointing look or shaking of the head.

My mother is usually more sympathetic, but has also said she often has the same thoughts. She hasn't lived completely on her own since I was born, and from the little she's said, that experience didn't last very long to begin with.

What was it about your being out that allowed her to have fun?

Travel is very expensive. If she's living with your mom and doesn't have her own property to maintain, and she's still got money troubles in 30s, it's not likely she'll be doing a lot of traveling regardless.

It does sound, though, like you should start learning to live on your own or in a group home, since even if your sister agrees to live with you, it doesn't sound like she's going to be very nice about it, and the older you get the harder it can be to adjust to living away from family. Have you been back to the psychologist? If not, it sounds like it's time to go, and tell him or her that you want info on supports for independent living. The disability diagnosis will likely be helpful there.