Motivating a young adult

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How can I encourage my 20 year old son to follow through on making job enquiries, volunteer options etc. He just doesn't do it unless I nag. He struggles with social skills but doesn't even want to email or read up on anything, even nice things like movie listings.

Consequences don't work as he either accepts it, or becomes withdrawn, which I hate.

He's possibly feeling too overwhelmed by "too many things to do". Perhaps write him out a simple list - no more than five things to do. Don't say, "Then I will give you this other list/more things for you to do" as that might overwhelm him. Just a simple list. One on the list can be to compile an Excel document of all the possible employers, their addresses, numbers, why that employer looks preferable, preferred method of contact etc. Another can be, "Contact five employers that look most suitable to you and highlight the ones you have contacted on the Excel document". Having a list like that, at least for me, really helps me. It stops my mind from being overwhelmed and thinking, "Gaahh, all these many big things to do" and instead simplifies it to five simple tasks.

The document can be as detailed as he likes, though I wouldn't put more than what's necessary on there.

Thanks for the advice. I think my sons problem is that he fears he will fail if he tries & things don't work out. It isn't a low self esteem thing but I think he is truly terrified of having to speak to others & stand up for himself.

Any ideas on why he won't even research things? We ask him to look something up & he just doesn't seem to want to do it. He certainly isn't depressed, but seems, dare I say it, lazy! He wants to please us but still seems unmotivated.

he probably does not know where to even start
I know job hunting was very overwhelming for me and I would still be unemployed if my dad had not helped me get a job with the company he works for

You answered why in the first bit. He fears that things won't work out. It's not that he fears failing to do research properly, he's fearing about what he finds, and what he will have to do once he finds them.

I'll wager he's not "lazy" when he finds something that interests him. You just don't understand autism and you can't blame him for the way his brain is wired. We cannot remain focused on things that fail to captivate our interest and even if he gets a job doing something he doesn't care about, he won't be able to keep it. The autistic brain makes for a terrible assembly-line robot, and this is what he dreads. We must be motivated intellectually and emotionally, or any task will seem like psychological torture.

The trick is matching the autistic individual with something they can care about. Once you find that, he will do it obsessively, whether he's getting paid for it or not.

Last edited by Willard on 11 Apr 2014, 10:28 am, edited 3 times in total.

He is living a predictable life now. He got a place to live, food to survive, people who care for him. He is afraid of the change and he doesn't see any good reason why he should change his way of life. Looking for a job is hard, overwhelming. Waiting and occasionally dealing with parents lecturing him is way easier then do so much effort which not only is hard itself but also leads to a huge life change which he can't even imagine.

I can suggest:
- "kicking him out the house" - you have to find him a cheap place, rent it for him and give him some money for the food but no more than a bare minimum so he is faced with the change. It will show him what he can expect as an adult (so he won't be so scared anymore) and motivate him to get a better place to live. It's what my cousin parents did. I envy her now.
or
- finding him a job yourself and telling him: No "buts", it is all set, you start working there next Monday at 8am. He will be faced with responsibility and a exact date so he will go. And once he goes he see how the job looks like and he will be able to imagine the next days and get into the new routine. It's what my parents did.
or
- motivating him to find a girlfriend instead. If he fells in love he is going to find a job by himself because he will feel obligated to be a worthy boyfriend.

Last edited by Kiriae on 10 Apr 2014, 4:38 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Talk about the story of my life. I would get so much more done if I were actually motivated, but at this point, I'm pretty much stuck in a rut of working a lousy cashier job every other day, and spending the rest of my free time hiding in the basement while screwing around on the computer. I hate my job and I want to do more with my life, but I don't know where to start. I want to further my education, but I have no idea how I'll be able to focus on this unless I quit my job.

I'm with Willard on this.

Accepting consequences and withdrawal are the most self-motivating factors in anyone's life. Nobody can make decisions without enough time to think. How do you propose your hate towards a natural part of existence could motivate anyone?

He's lacking skills. Skills to search for a job, skills to interview successfully, and skills to keep the job if he gets one. What kinds of jobs are realistically in his reach right now, given his level of schooling? What do you do? Are there entry-level openings where you work? Do you have any connections (friends, relatives, etc) who could hire him where they work or arrange for a job for him? Are there any training programs that include an apprenticeship that he might consider?

Ugh no. That's just what women need, to be used as bait for men to do things.

This is a message for Willard.
I'm using this forum to state my concerns & seek advice. When I suggested that my son might be lazy it was a way of ventilating my worries in a safe environment. I know he is not lazy & I resent that you accused me of not understanding the autistic brain. That is a judgmental statement towards me when I have lived with my wonderful, kind, genius, awkward son for 20 years & am simply seeking suggestions.
Thank you to all the people who have offered kind words of encouragement & advice. These are helpful. Being told that I am lacking in understanding is not.

Is it possible to read Willard's words as a statement of probable fact rather than a negative judgment?

Could it be that "you just don't understand autism" is a natural, literal response to "Any ideas on why he won't even research things? We ask him to look something up & he just doesn't seem to want to do it. He certainly isn't depressed, but seems, dare I say it, lazy! He wants to please us but still seems unmotivated."

Could it be that Willard's next comments are a useful guide to how autistic minds really do work? "We cannot remain focused on things that fail to captivate our interest and even if he gets a job doing something he doesn't care about, he won't be able to keep it. The autistic brain makes for a terrible assembly-line robot, and this is what he dreads. We must be motivated intellectually and emotionally, or any task will seem like psychological torture."

Autistic people tend to call it as they see it, and often don't see the ways in which their expressed thoughts might be interpreted differently than they intended or cause distress. If you re-read what Willard wrote and assume that he was trying to be helpful instead of judging you, you may find more wisdom in it than was apparent to you on first reading.

For what it's worth, I was a lot like your son at 20. I tried some crappy jobs and couldn't keep them. I would work feverishly, obsessively, on things that interested me. I did not really get a job until about 7 years later. I think that 26-30 is not an uncommon age for autistic people to make the sort of transition that neurotypicals make at 17 or 18.

When I read Willard's post, I thought "that sounds right." Apparently Marky9 did, too. It isn't judgment, it's just the way it is.

I wish you well in trying to help your son find his way in life.

She means that she hates it when he withdraws from her, because she's his mother and she loves him. It's a normal reaction. It's also frustrating to her, because she's trying to help him achieve some independence.

You are probably right. I did assume the judgement. It was a misinterpretation on my part. Perhaps I have more AS traits than I thought.

I tend to be rather uptight about anything to do with my son. My husband, our daughter & I have made some sacrifices for S & I heard criticism where there was none.

I have reread the post & can now see that it was intended to help not hinder!

Thank you for your feedback.