Sex ed

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My 13 year old with aspergers is in 7th grade in middle school, and in crew class their starting to discuss sex ed in more detail than previous years. So my ds had an assignment where he was supposed to write 5 different sentences about our family values and our thoughts on sexual values. He didn't hand it in on time so I found out about it via email. I was supposed to talk about it with him and grade him on how well I thought he understood our values. He already written down some things like no dating until 22 years old lol. He said the person you date can't be a slob. Lol. He just couldn't care less about dating I think right now. So I said well dating might be alright at 18, if we are all open and honest about it. Ds is not very social at all at this point. I said you date someone who is honest and respectful, and who wants to get to know you better without using you. We said its a good idea to wait to have sex until your married, but if something happens sooner to use protection. He seemed confused, so I said you know what a condom is right? He was highly uncomfortable and says no. So I basically described it vaguely as I could and where to get them if you need to, and left it at that. He knows that it protects you from stds and from making a baby, which he fully understands. I'm so worried I didn't take the convo far enough. I don't think he will be sexually active for awhile, but I guess my thoughts were if your body can produce a baby you better be able to understand all about it. Also I told him he can talk to me or his dad if he ever is confused or has questions. Anything I left out? It's so early for all this even though they are covering it at school. From probably an over concerned mom.

Nah, I get you. I am on the very liberal side when it comes to this kind of stuff, and I know I am going to have trouble when my son's biology sprints ahead of where he is emotionally and socially. My son is 8 and we got him an age appropriate book so that I could start the conversation before it became charged with puberty. No dice. He very much acted like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory when his friends kept referring to the "book they gave him.:" He seemed uninterested and annoyed.

Eggs and sperm, and genetics are fine. Anything to do with actual body parts---It is like he knows somehow that there are issues surrounding it.

My husband is likely going to be embarrassed talking about it as well with him, so I don't know how it will go.

At 13, your son might be more OK than mine was with a book he could peruse at his leisure. Amazon has Look Inside on many of them so you can see which one might be appropriate for his actual level. You may have to go younger than the pre-teen books if the language tries to be too hip or whatever.

***Nosy question: Did they intend to make him turn the essay into class, have the teacher read it, then have parents view it, and then review it again? I would have very uncomfortable as a kid, with an assignment like that. I don't think I would have liked it as a parent either. I don't know that family values really need to be surveyed in sex ed class. That sounds like a judgment opportunity.

...yeah, I have an issue with that assignment too. It's very weird and they never had me do anything like that in sex ed, whether it was the crazy "NO SEX EVER YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND CANCER AND AIDS AND DIE" one or the rational "here's how to put on a condom CORRECTLY" one or the awesome "here's what it looks like from the SPERM'S point of view! Also, free deodorant!" one.

I don't think there's such thing as "too far" when it comes to explaining safe sex to your kid. I think parents of Autistic people should be aware that although some Autistic people ARE asexual, a lot are also hypersexual (apparently one of the parts that's different in the Autism brain is the hypothalamus, which affects sexystuff). My sex drive had kicked in full force by the time I was eleven and I COULDN'T stop thinking about it...and I know a lot of people think this is too young for sex, but I was thirteen when I started. It was with a crazy person (in hindsight, I probably should have realized that you kind of HAVE to be crazy to do that with a thirteen-year-old) but at least it was SAFE sex because I was lucky enough to have had REAL sex education instead of just "this is stuff that sometimes happens don't ever do it okay goodbye." Your kid--ANYONE'S kid (hopefully not my kid, if I have one) could turn out to be like me.

I think it's more helpful to think about it as a series of necessary conversations, and it's worth initiating them repeatedly (rather than just waiting for him to initiate - he probably won't). While I don't have my own children, I have had to talk about this topic with teenagers and experienced some of that awkwardness first-hand. In my experience, the awkwardness goes away if you just bravely push through it and treat it like any other sort of conversation. Some other topics that may be worth addressing at some point:

Why would anyone ever want to have sex? - babies, pleasure, desire

Masturbation - what is it? Is it ok? Where / when is it ok?

Porn - what it is, what it isn't (it's not an accurate portrayal of likely scenarios), what is exploitation? Are there safe and ethical ways to view porn?

Sexual orientation - what are types of orientations? LGBTQ, etc. What do those words mean? Ideally, you should communicate some form of unconditional acceptance around sexual orientation and then leave it up to the child to decide and tell you at his own pace.

Birth control and protection from STDS - why would you use a condom? Where do you get one? How do you put one on?

Initiating sex - no means no; sometimes people change their minds and we have to respect that, even though it's frustrating...

If he's got an ASD, you may have to go into more detail about social issues, such as dating and following cues from others. A common occurrence for people on the spectrum who don't understand dating is they develop a crush, then they pursue it by following the person around for a while. Sometimes teens with ASDs will inappropriately touch people that they find attractive, or subtly make them feel uncomfortable by staring or repeatedly asking for hugs. While we can understand these behaviors as accidents, brought on by social deficits, many people are not so forgiving. This can lead to disciplinary actions from schools, or criminal charges (e.g., stalking and sexual harassment). The social rules around dating are very complex and the consequences for violating them can be very severe. Depending on how socially competent your son is, this may be more or less of an issue, but it's worth considering when talking to him about sex.

He may not be ready for all of that all at once, but I just thought I'd lay out some ideas for things you may want to discuss with him as he progresses through his teen years. Good luck!

I think it is good you are trying to talk to your son about sex because even though he may not seem interested today, he may be on another day. Like recently my aspie daughter who is 13 said she would need condoms next year because she thought they would be needed at that age and the following week she said why would she want to have a boyfriend like mine that you have to hug and kiss all of the time?

Or things I think she learned at school like how to put on a maxi pad, well it's a good thing we reviewed it because she thought the sticky part stuck to you, not your underwear.

I find that my daughter varies developmentally from day to day and I hope that I can prevent her from getting pregnant or any stds. I am probably going to put her on some form of birth control like an IUD as soon as she gets her period.

My son prefers to talk to his Dad about these things. I've been basic with him about my expectations and values, but when it comes to details, he prefers to talk to Dad.

I think the part of the conversation you didn't mention covering, that I have considered very important with my son, is to talk about dating communication. That any girl he is with needs to know upfront that he can't read non-verbal clues and needs to state what she does and does not want upfront, no joking no slang no subtlety. That no means no - please be listening well enough to hear even the softest of no's. And that girls can and do lie about things like being on the pill, and so on (but don't you dare go there regardless, lol).

But much of that we didn't get into in much detail on until he actually showed some interest in dating, at 16.

Before that, we both had talked about how dating was dangerous territory for him because of his inability to read social cues, given how important it is for a guy to NEVER push too hard (and him being a huge sensory seeker on touch, a hug monster we call him), and it was a good thing he didn't particularly want to start.

Overall, though, I don't think you need to give a child all the information until they want it. The danger areas and warnings, yes, they need that ASAP, but real life day to day details? You'll know if and when they are ready for that or need that.

This is an important danger area, I think, to have early conversations about, yes.

Another thing to take into account---unfortunate as it might be---is your state's political agenda. Sometimes, talking about your values in a school assignment is a screening mechanism, a.k.a. a sh** test. So it might be best to say what your state wants to hear, which isn't too difficult to pick up, even for children. So in states like Massachusetts, California, and Oregon, it's fine to say "always use a condom to prevent unwanted pregnancies and transmission of STDs". In states like Mississippi, Texas, and West Virginia, it's better to say "no sex before marriage, for any reason". (Despite the high teen pregnancy rates in those states.) It's your American right to have personal beliefs, but when it comes to public schools, it may be best to outwardly follow your state's agenda.

I lived in Illinois during middle school (hence my avatar), which leans on the conservative side when it comes to sex education (at least back then). There is no "abstinence only" agenda, but abstinence is very strongly encouraged. So I knew I had to say "I will wait until I get married", even though I planned on having sex with the first girl who likes me enough to do so (which I didn't expect to happen anytime soon). Somehow, through my underdeveloped aspie institution, I picked up on what the State of Illinois would want me to believe. And managed to stay out of trouble with the school that way. I can only imagine that it's gotten much worse now than back in 1996.

That was why I was trying to clarify what the point of this assignment is. I do not understand what business it is of the school's what the family and child's moral viewpoints on sex are. I understand for political reasons, each state has their own way of teaching or not teaching the information. What I don't understand is why they are trying to gather information on what the families believe. it makes me very uncomfortable. If they just want the kids to talk to the parents about family values. the teachers do not have to read the essay, or the parental response.

They made us do these stupid role-plays--making kids pretend they were dating and that the girl got pregnant---and then roleplay what they would say about what they would do. This was bad enough. I can't imagine if they had videotaped it, sent it the parents, and then made the parents turn in some kind of response.

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I agree.

When my kids have had to have these discussions, there was a question and a place for the parent to sign that we had, in fact, talked. And that was not for school. School simply stuck to the basics, the universals (what A does, what B does, and please talk to your parents).

The teacher made it clear there was to be no grading for the assignment, and it was not for judge mental uses but solely to get parents talking to their kids about the topic. I think if the school just sent out a letter to parents that this stuff is being discussed at school, not enough parents would actually talk to their kids about it. I was uncomfortable with it not just because it's awkward, which wouldn't stop me from talking to him about it, except I think he's just not emotionally ready or interested to discuss or even think much about this stuff. Even though it's awkward though like I said if his body can do this stuff he's got to fully understand it, so we muttled through the first talk ( first talk this school year) about it. I do like the idea of giving him a book, he may actually absorb the info instead of me talking to him. I also will discuss lightly for now that there are social cues with dating that he has to watch for, however I really don't think he understands or realizes at this point that he has an issue with them. Maybe there's a good book out there for kids with aspergers to address that. I'm open to suggestions : )

Slightly OT, but I have found the website "Scarleteen" very helpful for DS. It approaches sex and questions about it in a very frank manner, and tends to offer both factual information AND social information - and not the sort of sanitized-for-public-school social information as well. They also tend to note when subjects are taboo or not discussed but done anyway. I have told DS that he is allowed to check out that site on his own whenever he wants (he is also 13) and feel pretty safe about it.

There's also a website from the traveling exhibit from 2001, but I can't find it anymore, just this PDF http://www.calameo.com/books/00126097637f31ec3d815 It was a really terrific interactive site for younger kids, offering general information on all kinds of things. Here's a video of the traveling exhibit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZI8T1Z5lFdo

I am a bit more liberal on this subject than I thought I'd be as a parent - I'm more concerned about raising a child who respects himself and knows how to respect his partner's boundaries (in addition to keeping himself healthy and safe, and his partner healthy and safe and free from pregnancy as well.) I found these resources to be very helpful.

No dating until 18?

If he wants to date before then we can work something out. He brought that up before I did and considering he's not socially and emotionally ready or even interested at this time, I just agreed. If he attempted to come out of his social shell sooner I would fully support it.

Depending on your kid, he may take that age guideline very literally, which can backfire when he turns 18 and suddenly expects his new girlfriend. It may be helpful to make it clear that this is skill based, not age based. Like "maybe you will be ready for a girlfriend after you have 2-3 good friends and are able to have long conversations with people about things that they want to talk about."

Emile, what your saying makes perfect sense. I just know my son very well and developmentally and socially he is not there. He barely has one friend right now, and seems very content with that. I have to poke and prod at him to hang out with his one buddy at this time.