Trying to eliminate constant whining

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I don't know if this is something that has popped up as sort of an age-appropriate phase or whatever or if it is one of the many bad habits that my son has picked up at school. But his whining is driving me absolutely mad and I need to find ways to hopefully eliminate it or at least have him cut it to a minimum. What has worked for you...?

I've demonstrated many times polite and appropriate ways to ask for or request things. And he does this well with prompting and sometimes without. We've talked about "nice" voices and "whiny" voices. But along with a lot of things lately, his whining has become a go-to thing, a routine, a really strong habit. And it's constant. And awful.

I suspect parenting advice for an NT with a whining problem might consist of something like "it's a phase that will pass with consistent reminding of proper behaviour"... but I'm not sure that's what will work here.

Reward using a cheerful voice. With whatever it takes to make it a concrete connection, along with an explanation what you DO want.

In other words catch or shape good or better behavior. Being challenged by the world leads sometimes to a negative attitude, and that's very hard on adults. But this CAN get better.

When my child whined as a toddler, I would say "What? I can't understand you when you talk that way". Might be too late to try that tactic with your son since he's already in the habit, though.

My aspie daughter is 13 and still whines a lot usually first thing in the morning and after school and really I don't think there is a button to be turned off lol - I have looked extensively. When she is getting like this, she usually needs my help in some way. Like I might ask if she is hungry and make her something because when she gets to total whining, she is feeling out of control and can't even think to feed herself. Just making toast with nutella is too much for her to handle at this point.

I don't remember my parents using that tactic on me. But I'm pretty sure I whined (whatever that means). Because I remember hearing through the grapevine that my friends' parents hated my guts. Even then, if my parents did use that phrase with me, I know I'd have the worst meltdown in human history; there might even be a SWAT team outside my home. After all, kids aren't stupid. They know that the "I can't understand you" statement is a lie and a mind game. What makes it a sucker-punch in the stomach, is that they have no way of proving it's a lie or telling the parent they know it's a lie. Because the parent is an adult with virtually limitless (in their minds) power over them. The only difference is that NT kids have the mental strength and the social cunning to push back. Aspie kids don't. Hence, the meltdown. After all, how do you reason with a person who doesn't understand a simple statement like "I'm thirsty!" and chooses to lie about it? Don't forget: aspies think in black-and-white, so if you can understand the words and say you can't, then in their minds, you're lying to them.

My son is NT and I can't even stand hearing him whine. I always threaten to kick him out of the room if he keeps whining and that is what I always do. I also put him in time out or put him in his room and tell him he cannot come out until he is done whining. I have read online by other parents about how they handle their whining child is they refuse to listen to them until they say it in their normal tone. They tell them the cannot understand a word they are saying unless they don't whine.

Hearing a child whine is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Is it like this for all the other parents? That is how bad it is for me and how much affect it puts on me to have to listen to it. It drains my energy and mood and makes me short tempered and cranky and it feels all chaotic when he does it. I can't even stand hearing it for a few seconds even if my son hasn't been whining all day long. So hence why I get so tough about it.

Whining is aggravating, definitely. I'm glad you use the "tough approach." It'll help your kid grow up, and stop whining.

Huh, I can sometimes hear someone but actually can't understand a word they are saying. So I can see how that would be legitimate for a parent to say that to their child for whining. They can hear them but can't really understand a word they are saying. I could see myself falling for that tactic because I was so gullible. Think of it as someone talking to you in a noisy room and you can hear them but you can't hear a word they are saying. All you hear is their voice. Or someone trying to shout at you from a far off distance and you can rear them but you can't make out what they are saying.

First, what makes it whining -- is it the content or the tone of voice? If the latter, there's a possibility that it is a pragmatic speech issue. Many aspie kids have a monotone voice, is there any chance he's settled on a whiny tone as his default? You might consult with a good speech therapist if that is the case. Or at least have some practice sessions where you contrast whining vs normal tone until he can hear the difference.

With my NT daughter, if she uses a whiny voice, I tell her, "I don't like that whiny tone," and then repeat whatever she said in a normal voice, and look at her expectantly until she restates it using a normal voice. (With an aspie kid you might have to explicitly ask him to say it again, "Ask me again without whining".) I'm sure I would've done the same with my aspie son, but don't remember specifically whether it worked for him or not. (It hasn't been a big issue, so either he wasn't very whiny or it did work on him.)

If it's the content, start making a list for a couple of days of all the things he whines about, and see if there are some specific things that are bugging him. Maybe you can eliminate some of the root causes.

Whining....

When I worked after care we had a kid who was probably on the spectrum. He would literally walk on your heels with whining a free form list of demands. He was 10.

When are we going outside Jeff is telling me to shut up I don't want my snack I not going to sit down I'm not washing my hands I don't want my juice why can't we go to gym .....

IF it was him truly getting picked on or something that needed my immediate attention, I'd stop and help.

Other than that, I'd ignore it. His whining was a combo of attention seeking behavior and tattling. I told Kim he was whining, and I don't listen to whining. I needed a question or a statement. I also did a lot of redirecting.

*I want this or that NOW!*

*Nope, not happening. Find something else to do.*
(I couldn't give suggestion, that would start a whole other level of whining)

I was one of the only people he eventually didn't do his whining to. Kim would actual ask me questions.

My NT kid knows better than to rev up the whine mode. Not only will for sure you'll not get what you want, I leave the room and lock myself in another room. I'm not arguing or debating and have your temper tantrum. It will wear you out.

I'm willing to discuss things and comprise. But sometimes no means no, and wait means wait. Does that make me the cool parent? Nope, but sometimes there has to be an adult in the room.

For the spectrum kids in after care, if it was truly just whining, we'd redirect and then ignore it.

Because anything else would get you sucked into a vortex of arguing and debating with a 9 year old of why they can't do or have x y z.

What are the methods you use to keep yourself from having a shutdown or a meltdown?

I think most kids stop when it is a peer issue. NT kids care about what peers think, and have the ability to stop when teased. For us, the "kvetching" (It sounds more like an old man complaining than a kid's whine) has decreased over time, but hasn't stopped entirely. I don't generally reinforce it, but it is hard to extinguish b/c much of the time he does it is when he is in near meltdown mode.

I generally have a choice between making a big production about it, and then causing worse behaviors; or mildly reproaching it, and doing what I need to do to avoid meltdown city. It is not like he does it like an NT. He doesn't whine when he wants something, or anything like that. He does it when he is overwhelmed. Either that or he shrieks which is no more desirable than the whining.

My position has always been:

Ask nicely and you'll get an answer.
Ask in a whine and you'll get nothing.

Escalate and you can have some time to relax in your room and try again when you are ready to be civil.

I try not to be annoyed, no matter how annoying they tried to be, but instead to be stone cold. Then also to be affectionate, but not in response to this kind of manipulation--to be affectionate about something else and have zero response to the whiny approach--or maybe a totally neutral, even comment like "you are asking in a whine. I don't respond to that." I presented it as a fact of nature, like gravity.

How I handled whining with both my kids (one ASD, one NT), for better or for worse:

1) Encourage your kids to articulate clearly and concisely what their problem is.
2) Make sure they know that you have heard and understood what they are upset about.
3) If you aren't sure, ask them to express it in a way that you can understand.
4) Affirm what has them upset as valid, but state clearly why you cannot change it.
5) Affirm their right to express that they are upset, but note that continuing to express it will not change anything and is, in fact, becoming counterproductive.
6) Give them fair warning that you think they have expressed themselves in this ineffective way long enough.
7) When the time limit is up, you no longer hear them.

This is the one area where having to wear hearing aids became a silver lining: I just turned them off. My kids HATED when I did that.

Staying calm and unruffled definitely helps.

My kids learned not to whine.

Alright, I'll bite: "whining" = bad, "normal" = good, regardless of the child's intention. And apparently, the difference lies mostly in their voice, rather than word usage. But where is the distinction or boundary line? It's hard for a child to know how not to whine without knowing these things. The human voice is essentially a glorified sound wave, so these questions come to mind.

1. If it's the pitch/frequency, then how many hertz? (humans produce 85 Hz to 1.1 kHz)
2. If it's the volume/amplitude, then how many decibels? (0 dB is dead silence, 10 dB is a whisper, 100 dB is a rock concert)
3. If it's the wave phase shift, then how many degrees? (0 thru 359, with 360 being same as 0)
4. How do you account for gender differences, with girls speaking in a higher register than boys, even as children?
5. Some children have richer, warmer voices due to the more varied sound waves they produce (like a cello vs. a flute), so do they get an unfair advantage?
6. What happens if a child hears "No! Try again." over and over after futile effort of trying to do a "normal" tone of voice?
7. How easy is it to abuse the system, that is, accuse the child of whining just to avoid fulfilling their request?

Last edited by Aspie1 on 13 May 2014, 12:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well first of all what is he whining about? Is there any way to compromise about some of those things? I mean I got told I whined a lot as a child, and usually it was due to sensory issues/overload or being too overwhelmed. I'd try to ask things nicely and be patient and all that stuff but sometimes it was very hard because it really was 'that' unpleasant for me. For instance I have always been light sensative, to the point it is uncomfortable sometimes to the point of causing a headache feeling....and when your head hurts especially as a kid its kind of hard to be polite and not 'whine' if you are seriously in discomfort or too stressed out(not sure if everyone on the spectrum has this issue) but yeah I get overwhelmed easily and have to minimize my stress otherwise even as an adult it would be hard not to complain about it.

So my point is perhaps there are sensory things that are contributing to this and accommodations need to be made...or solutions, but not sure what the whining is about so not sure any of that nessisarily applies in this situation. Also there can be the issue of not being entirely aware of how you are coming off to other people like not realizing tone of voice and what not that can be confusing to some autistic people.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 13 May 2014, 11:44 am, edited 1 time in total.