please share how YOU cope as the parent

Post Reply New Topic

I feel as if I am starting to lose it...it being myself. How do you as the parent cope with your high needs, high demands child. I need some sort of outlet or out.

I homeschool my son, I am with him 24/7. I have little to no family help, my DH commutes to work and is gone most of the waking hours so its all me with the kids all day. my DS requires so much time and energy I feel completely drained and worn out daily.

Oh dear woman, of course you're about to lose it, you would be even if all your kids were NT. That's a lot of little kids and no help.

The easiest answer: Hire help. I don't care if you have to spend retirement money to do it. Please hire help. Enroll the younger children in various programs so you don't have them all with you. If there's respite care available, use it; if not, hire it. Even having a friendly helper around in the house may be helpful, someone who will clean and do chores and just be another adult while you homeschool. And if you can get someone who'll also be with your son for even an hour during the day, you can go out, have a walk, be in your own headspace, breathe a little.

Going to work is much less work than coping with three young kids all day, including 1 kid with AS. So if your DH not happy about spending money for this...well, he's just spending to cover his share of helping with the kids, that's all.

Also, on the weekends, one day should be yours. You have several hours to go be on your own; now and then you have a weekend to go be on your own, or with friends. Go for a walk, work out, get out, stop futzing with the house and other people's needs.

Your needs are important, and it definitely sounds like you could use some respite. If you are homeschooling because your son was not thriving in traditional school, you probably won't want to change that right now, but that does not mean you couldn't find some activities or groups he could be in that might give you a few hours on a regular basis. Or, find a part time job to help you fund some quality childcare; seriously, for many women, work is a way of getting "me" time when it otherwise could not be afforded. Also, are there any families you connect well with that you could try some trades with, where you watch each other's children in exchange for turns at getting a break?

Do you have an enclosed backyard that your son is willing to play in independently? That won't help with the little one, unless maybe you can hire a "mother's helper." If it is getting to be summer vacation where you live, you might be able to get a youngish teenager to come in and take care of the baby for a bit, while you rest or do something fun (even if it is at home.) It wouldn't be as expensive as regular unsupervised help (and not as relaxing) but it would be cheaper.

I'm probably not qualified to advise, because none of my kids have as many issues.

But this is how I stay sane (or anyway as sane as I ever get):

1) I do not pretend to like things I don't like, or to be enthusiastic about things I am not enthusiastic about. Example: Oldest Daughter plays soccer. It eats Tuesday and Thursday evenings and all day Sunday, six months out of the year. I take her to practice (though Hubby is starting to do that). I ask about how it went. If she needs stuff, I make sure she has it. I do not, however, pretend to be enthused, because I'm not. Whether this is OK or not is a subject of contention in our house. My opinion?? She is learning that, as a parent, sometimes you do stuff for your kids that you are not thrilled about, because it is important to them and they're your kids and "parent" is also a verb.

2) I do not micromanage activities (and this includes the ADHD almost-7-year-old). If they get wild, they get wild. If they fight, they fight. I have some basic rules (like no hitting and no jumping on furniture, I'm talking really really basic like that) and I do enforce them (repeat offenders get sent to their rooms). Other than that, I run a pretty loose ship on the assumption that any house with four kids in it is going to be filled with chaos, and anyone who doesn't like that will just have to call up before 7 am or after 10 pm (and possibly delay their next visit for 10 years or so).

3) Their crap, their problem. If they're over the age of 3, if they can't take care of it, they don't get it. If they get it, and they don't take care of it, I look at it as a learning opportunity when it gets lost/broken/mangled/appropriated by a sibling. This also goes for room cleaning-- your room, your problem. They get varying degrees of direction-- the 5 year old is given one task at a time, DS with the letters after his name also gets one task at a time but fewer reminders to do it, DD12 gets told to clean her room and is left to DO IT.

4) Mommy's Sanity Time. I spend it within sight of the kids, but I guard my time. I might read a book, I might get on the computer, I might watch a TV show, I might call someone on the phone-- whatever. During that time, the only kid I deal with or tend to is the baby (and, at about to turn 2, she's soon to be thrown in with the rest of them). There are obvious exceptions-- I will drop everything if someone is bruised, bleeding, or about to set themselves on fire-- but other than that, they're not allowed to get close enough to touch me and any attempt to get my attention will be met with, "Mommy is chilling out. See me after the timer rings." I might have to say that every two and a half minutes, but-- it gets to be autopilot real quick. Some people see this as neglect. Other people see it as setting boundaries. I see it as a survival mechanism. The alternative (and I've told them this, too) is a non-negotiable, no-exceptions 7 pm bedtime.

5) s**t HAPPENS. This is kind of a corollary to #2. I do everything reasonably within my power to prevent death and dismemberment. I don't let them live on Cheetos and Coke, or swim without a grownup, or play in the road, or leave the yard without me (and I don't let the baby out without me, and won't for some time yet). But if they're determined to misuse the swing set, or sword fight with dowel rods, or something along those lines-- contusions can be sutured, and broken bones can be set. So far so good-- we haven't had any incidents that couldn't be resolved at home with ice packs, butterfly closures, triple antibiotic ointment, and a stern I-told-you-not-to-do-that-and-this-is-why lecture. I probably just jinxed it, though.

6) I am not going for any Mommy of the Year Awards. I give orders, not requests. I do not make an effort to always keep a calm, conversational, level tone of voice (or, as mentioned before, to always sound happy and enthusiastic). I no longer force myself to be critical, condemning, and verbally abusive, but I shout things like "Quit it! Right now! I! Have! Had! It!" On a weekly, if not daily, basis. There is a definite dearth of "Sweetie, could you please come here please?" and a definite abundance of "Yo! Child! Get your butt over here!" My tone of voice generally reflects my pleasure, fatigue, anger, elation, frustration, impressedness, disappointment, and/or et cetera. I cut myself a pass as an Aspie Mom-- I have enough trouble figuring out tones of voice, without figuring out which one I am supposed to be faking. Personally, I don't think all that fake crap is good for kids anyway. It made it really, really hard for me to figure out what was on Grandma's mind-- and I was only a little bit autistic. I bet it probably confuses NT kids, too. I further note that Saint Alan did things this way consistently, with all children at all levels at all times-- and he universally loved and was universally loved by all children. Their parents might have had their eyebrows practically jumping off their faces, but the kids ate it up with a spoon and came back for more. EAGERLY.

7) I Seriously Do Not Give A Crap What Strangers Think. Maybe this is horrible, and maybe this is where Asperger's helps me. I. Just. Don't. Care. Example: Today, I took A to WalMart to choose a birthday present. We stood in the toy department while A and A touched every single toy in the Disney Character Aisle. A #1 decided on the Meowing Robotic Cat and threw a fit when I told her it would consume her entire birthday budget. She whined, and screamed, and begged, and bargained. I stood there, stood my ground, and repeated myself 57 times. She got the cat. We checked out. Walking out of the store, she decided she had to crawl over and under every single bench. I react with (and not in a low voice, either), "Bless it, child, I have multiple professional opinions that say you have neither hearing issues nor OCD. So GET OFF THE BENCH AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!!" People stared. I stared right back, sometimes with a 100-watt maniacal smile. Hey, what are they gonna do? Call the cops on me?? Won't be the first time-- and I've got news for them, every time the cops have showed up, they've been on my side. It happened to Daddy, too. One time, a uniformed police officer explained to a very angry 14-year-old BeeBee why 1) her father was in the right, and 2) she was bloody damn lucky in the father she had.

Yeah-- I'm probably on a YouTube People of WalMart video somewhere. Guess what?? Don't give a s**t about that, either.
Some people (including the first-grade teacher, the pediatrician, and the preschool teacher, if it matters) think I'm a laid-back, calm parent with a high tolerance for kidshit (ha-ha, fooled them!). Some people, including my now deceased father-in-law, the moms at preschool who don't actually seem to LIKE their kids, and my best female friend who openly confesses to regretting the child she has, think I'm a sh***y, neglectful parent who is raising feral brats and shouldn't have been allowed to procreate (meh, won't invite them over again!).

Yeah, BuyerBeware don't play Mommy Wars. Everybody Is Entitled To Their Own Opinion. I figure someday, our (adult) kids will meet each other in a support group and bond over the different ways that their parents screwed them up. Nobody gets it right, every day of every week of every month, every waking moment, for eighteen years (minimum) straight.

Take my advice on board, but don't take it out of hand. You are you and I am me; K, P, A, and A are themselves and J, M, and E are themselves.

Wish you lived closer. J and P could hit each other with padded sticks and smash each other with sofa cushions, M and A could do whatever little girls do, A and E could drool on each other, and K could scream about six little kids and lock herself in her bedroom. Meanwhile, you and I could enjoy some wine and whine. And maybe I could not let your kids die while I'm not letting my kids die either for a couple of hours every other Wednesday or something, and you could like go to the grocery store and read a book in peace (or whatever voodoo you wish you could do) for once.

OMG.. Buyer Beware - I don't think I've laughed so hard in a while.

1) YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM! (not that you care for my opinion, of course - LOL)
As a grandmother now, and survivor of the 'mommy wars' of decades past, let me congratulate you on your attitude and technique. It's not too far off my own - some of that essay was like a trip down memory lane.

Your Wal-Mart story...been there and yep, let my kids make decisions that they would have to live with... - I was also known as the mom who would just leave the store with things un-purchased - full cart and all, if they got out of hand. But I didn't yell, I just said, we're leaving, and I left...and if they did not follow, I still left - at least out of their sight line...and waited near the door for their panicked reactions when they 'got it'. Once it was a grocery cart when I had to do a 'walk out', and we went home to eat dry cereal with no milk for dinner and for breakfast the next day, too - because that was what was in the pantry. Don't know if this sort of thing would fly nowadays, and with one of them I never did that because she would have waited until the store close before following...gotta know the kid before creating a consequence.

I also remember a lot of generous laughter, and more creative fun than what most kids get today - it was pre-internet - we lived in the country and had almost no TV reception - they made their own entertainment. Anyway, here's a little glimpse on the possible results of your sort of style .

Four adult children who just sent me a very generous Amazon gift card this past mother's day ( a calendar fact that I had not remembered until the first phone call came in). Of course, the NT one organized it (even though I called her two days after her own birthday this past year, and I never send cards etc - we just have long random phone calls whenever we need them). Anyway, she somehow got the rest of the motley crew to chip in, and they all called me and we yammered on the phone for a long time each - thanks to flat fee long distance. I gotta admit, it felt nice to be thanked...

They are all relatively happy, self supporting adults who have never gotten into any more trouble than owing far too much on student loans. Some are married, some not...I got to be a grandmother - which counts on the Darwin Scale. They are each doing exactly what they want - or working toward it in a thoughtful way. Their own childhood 'developmental issues', while pretty rough at the time, were naturally formative and have shaped them into who they are and are becoming.

As adults, we've had some good discussions on what these things are... And for the most part, they seem to look on whatever scars they acquired as creating distinctive marks of character rather than events that mangled the soul. Anyway they've each in their own way told me I did a pretty good job... I look on them as living proof.

Be assured that your children will one day, (way after the teen years) 'rise up and call you blessed' - and realize they were blessed with one of the best...

2) You are also an excellent writer...

To MMJMOM - You need help, and I mean that in the nicest way possible...lots of good advice in the posts before this one...get that help you need, it is not a sign of weakness - but of strength: to know your capacity, set your limits and guard your boundaries. Your children will ultimately thank you (look for this sometime in the 2030's or 40's). In the meantime, you will be happier - which is a major ingredient for parental success...

3) To all the moms out there with the daily do...One day in the far far future, may you sit alone in a quiet room and type words like this to someone else who needs to hear them. Because being a mom never really stops.

Amen.

Help is not a sin. Help is not a sin. Help is not a sin.

EVERYONE NEEDS HELP.

Our day and age is THE ONLY ONE IN HUMAN HISTORY in which children are "supposed" to be raised, more or less single-handedly, by a "nuclear family."

It ain't natural.

Find a mothers' helper. A teenager. A lady at church. Another mom of "unique" kids who's willing to trade double-duty with you.

Hell, if you can afford it, find yourself a therapist. J, M, and E get your full concern-- when was the last time YOU got someone's full concern, even if only in 50-minute increments??

I don't.





Well, I guess I do. I just define it all as failure. I do a lot of what was mentioned here already. I don't really yell, though. I wouldn't consider it a positive coping mechanism anyway. But, I don't not yell because I'm better than those who do. I can't. My speech/verbal processing ability isn't really good enough for that.


When my husband is away for work (for weeks or months) and I'm not coping well for long enough, I sometimes take the kids and stay at my parents' house for a little while. It's not fantastic, and I wish I was a good enough parent on my own, but I figure it's better than us all being miserable at home.





The best coping mechanism I have is the one all of our grandmothers used: "Go outside and play. I will call you when dinner is ready."






My kids are over the age of naps. I miss nap time.

BuyerBeware, love it thanks so much you are great!

I DO need help!! ! I would love help! Would you believe I also babysit M-F my friends 1 yo, along with my 3 kids! the babies are one month apart so its like having twins M-F all day long. Yes, I need help. I might start looking now actually

I do belong to nice homeschool groups and some wonderful moms have taken my son on the field trips so he could enjoy. its too hard sometimes with all the little ones! I really appreciate when they take him. And summer is right around the corner, he has a full summer camp schedule, so I will get a break from him 24/7 in a few months.

it is crazy hard sometimes....being a mom isn't an easy job!

Help, yep, we'd all disintegrate without it. Last night the girl and I were making a list of people we need to send thank-yous to for helping us over the last several months. The list is loooong.

There's the Girl Scout leader who arranges transportation for her when I can't drive. The mom who drove her home from school all winter when it was so dangerously cold out. The two other moms who drove her to Hebrew school. The rabbi who arranged and paid for transportation for her when the two moms had a snit about the Hebrew school principal and yanked their kids. The cab driver lady who came in on her day off to drive her to Hebrew school. The JCC, synagogue, and charity which are paying most of her summer-camp tuition. The school district superintendent who went to bat for her and got her switched back to her old wonderful school so she didn't have to go to the awful crazymaking one anymore. The families who hosted her overnight on school nights when I was at a conference.

I'm sure we're leaving people out, too. But yeah, even with older kids, even if they're wonderfully easy kids, this just isn't a thing to do all alone.

Please don't. NO ONE can do it all. We're under pressures that our parents and their parents NEVER had to face. You think you know someone batting 100%? You don't. They are just better at faking it.

Being human is not failing.

MMJMOM - good luck with finding some solutions! I know they will never be perfect, but they can, hopefully, become "enough."

BuyerBeware - Thanks for expressing so well that "I don't give a #&@*(!" attitude we all need to survive! OK, we do care, but about the things that MATTER. Nothing more, nothing less. Only you know what your own family NEEDS, and one of those things is a sane parent! So whatever it takes.

Tarantella - so sweet of you to think of thank you notes! They will appreciate it. But if finishing that project gets to be too much, you know that they don't need to get those notes; it is their joy to offer these things. Those who can should. What goes around comes around. All that. Plenty of people live by it and enjoy living by it. But, yeah, it is always nice to have affirmation that you really are making a difference.

I guess it reads like a comedy monologue-- We used to watch Comedy Central a lot, maybe I tend to talk in stand-up monologues, I don't know.

It's not, though. It honestly is how I keep my sanity.

Foolproof?? NO.

Embarrassing?? Sometimes-- but it's getting less and less so, because I really do care less and less if I make a fool of myself in WalMart. I'd rather like my kids, and not have all of us so tense that we're walking on eggshells, than look good in front of a bunch of strangers (or non-strangers, for that matter).

Remember the old Gallagher comedy routines?? I guess, at least around here, it turns out that it's better to trot out the sledgehammer and smash the watermelon than to end up throwing a neatly carved and carefully filled melon basket at someone, and then decide that we're not going to take the chance on eating melons any more.

You know what...all of you 'moms in harness' today (as opposed to us out to pasture bubbies and grandmas)...You guys are all amazing.

I'm the first one to say that you do have it harder in many ways. There is a whole culture of perfectionism that has been enshrined by the popular media...back in the day (heaven forgive me, I NEVER thought I'd come to say that line LOL) Anyway, it's never been like it is today...

The good part is that there is a social media presence that did not exist in the 20th c. or before...and it really does help those of us who are also a bit socially challenged (easier for me to type this out and read instead of doing the face-to-face thing). It's a lot easier to get advice and feedback from those who understand and are experiencing similar issues. Before the net, we were all pretty much on our own, and there was not a lot of support...

It is difficult to cope with young children. My ASD daughter and my NT daughter are both teens now. I still remember a time when they were toddlers (2 years apart) and I stood outside our front door while it was snowing and was taking a few deep breaths as I was feeling soooo stressed out and my neighbor saw me and thought I was locked out! I used to go in the bathroom sometimes and run the water, close my eyes and take deep breaths to just get a few minutes break (though they were on the other side of the door banging and sticking their tiny fingers under the door!). Help is wonderful if you can get it, can afford it. But for me, the best thing is to have good girlfriends that you can call anytime and just rant to for a few minutes and find a way to laugh about the insanity! Because laughing IS the way to get through it! Watch some comedies, keep a journal and try to see the funny side of things. We can laugh or we can cry but choose to LAUGH, you will feel better! I used to think it was just me dealing with the crazieness and feeling incapable. Eventually I realized that it isn't just me, but a lot of people never drop the mask. Life is hard. But try to find a bright side... And if you can, let up on yourself -- reduce your burden of time and energy if possible (even if you have to do this gradually). And try to get an hour to yourself a week -- with husband or someone watching all the kids -- to do WHATEVER you want to do. When they were little just going to the grocery store ALONE was a real treat! Having the knowledge that you have that hour to look forward to can keep you going! At one point my husband took them to the zoo every Sunday! I can't tell you how precious that "time off" was even if I just watched TV or took a bath without anyone needing me!

You're not alone! Sending mommy-"we're all in this together" - love and luck your way!

I have a friend who has also has a son on the Aspie end of the spectrum, two years younger than mine. She moved to another city 4 years ago, but we call each other up and talk for an hour about once a week. It's so helpful to complain and compare notes with someone who "gets it".

I also allow my kids a lot more screen time than anyone currently recommends. (Seriously -- if I am wrapped up in a home project on the weekend the 4 yo has played iPad for 4 hours straight.) I know I should tell them to turn it off and go play outside or with their toys, but sometimes I frankly just don't have the energy to enforce it.

I want it to stop already and my son is not even 5 yet.

I, too, am an SAHM but just realized that I cannot do it forever ! ! I need to get a job, so I am not wallowing in "this" 24/7. My son's autism is severe in that he lacks language and is still being toilet trained. Public preschool was a disaster, so I pulled him out to homeschool him. It has paid well in that he has made gains all around, but just not in language / communication. I want to do what is best for him, but don't know how long I can continue homeschooling him, especially with my sky high stress levels. But I know that I must in order to optimize his outcome / prognosis. My trust in the public school system has been burned so badly that it will take a lot to build it back.

Except for one sibling (to whom I am not very close), my entire family lives overseas. Don't have much in common with most of my friends, so have lost touch with all but two of them. I live in a high cost area, so cannot afford a mother's helper on a daily basis on just his one income. Especially when we have to pay for a bunch of things insurance won't cover, and the district won't pick up the tab on (unless I send him to school and that will not happen until I completely lose my mind).

We get some respite for a few hours a week and that has been my sanity saver so far.

Other than that, I cry a lot, pray a lot, vent online, then shut up & return to work with my kid. I don't know if this is much help to you, Dara, but hang in there.

This, too, will pass.