Problems with finding the right fit at school

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My son is going into grade 7, which is the middle of middle school (middle school goes from grade 6-8 ). The current problem is that he doesn't seem to fit into any program.

From K-grade 4, he went to the same school, and we had found a semi-good placement for him by grade 4 (kindergarten was a nightmare though). But then we had to move for work reasons, so in grade 5, he went to a new school that was completely useless. I'm still getting over how bad it was. Then for grade 6, we moved back to our old school district, and school #2 gave a bad report of my son (they basically said he has no good qualities and is uncontrollable - the last part was true but only because they were so incompetent) to them.

So, school #3 placed him the behaviour problem class based on their report. That class is intended for kids who don't necessarily have a developmental delays, but have tried to murder their siblings or set the school on fire, etc. That is NOT my son. The school discovered that that is not my son shortly after school started, but the teachers there really liked him and he was doing much better than last year, so I asked them to leave him there this year. However, because it's the wrong placement, they've had to make extra accommodations for him, and as such, they want to move him to a more appropriate placement for next year.

The placements available to him are:
1. General special ed with integration into a few classes
-Pros to this include that it's at the same school and we get to try mainstream a little bit again
-Cons to this include that mainstream went horribly last time and he will be by far the lowest functioning in his class

2. Autism classroom
-Pros to this include that he will be of about average functioning in the class and they have extra focus on independent living skills and community outings (which is important for him)
-Cons to this include that it's at a different school and there is less of a focus on academics (which I think is also important for him)

I really don't want to change his school again, but I also don't think the mainstream thing is a good idea at all (last time it was traumatising).

Ugh. Do you have any advice?

I'm probably not qualified to speak to classical/profound. It's totally outside my experience.

But. I think I might call the school with the autism classroom and talk to them. See if you can meet the people he'd be working with over the summer. And then, if you "like" them, I'd think about making the switch.

Everybody worries about academic skills. I understand, because they are SOOOO important to NT life. But-- people neglect life skills. Hell, MY people would have neglected life skills if it hadn't been absolutely essential for me to learn them, since it was just Daddy and me and we were going to sink if I didn't help paddle.

As it was, I STILL didn't have all the life skills that I needed (though I was ahead of the self-care curve among the incoming freshmen on my dorm floor). I could cook, and clean, and do laundry, but what I couldn't do (and still struggle with) was organize my time well enough to get it all done.

Academic skills are great for seeking employment and shooting for an independent or minimally supported life.

But life skills are going to make life more pleasant whether the road leads to an apartment, an apartment in an assisted community or with a visiting caregiver, a group home, or living at home until you reach the end of your capacity to provide care. Life skills are a HUGE asset in ANY situation.

Special autism programs, if well-run, tend to be less traumatizing to autistic kids. And the providers, if well-trained, are more likely to "get it."

But the life-skills instruction would really tip the scales for me, at least if the people running the program know their ASD from a hole in the ground.

I agree with Buyer Beware that you should really look into the autism classroom since he is being offered it. He will feel great if he is the most functioning in his class and really life skills are more important than academic. My daugher is going into grade 9 next year and she got into the aspergers program and I am so thrilled about it. Grade 7 and 8 have been horrible for her in a regular classroom, especially since her twin is in the same classroom as her and she feels inferior to her sister because she can't compete with her school work.

I think having teachers who understand ASD is totally invaluable to a child's learning experience. Before my daughter got her diagnosis, they treated her like a huge behaviour problem too.

Excuse me, is your son an aspie or autie? This decision is very clear if he has Asperger's, because that can be coped with, Autism is a bit harder to cope with, but it can be. Tell us about this and i'll be right back at ya with an answer

-Aspie who was in Special Ed for most of most of his life, it ruined me.

Sorry, I guess that's important! He has classic autism.

How communicative is he? Can you sample both options and find out how he reacts to each?

If he is mainstreamed will he have a full time aide?

I would lean towards the same school since it has gone well, and predictability can be so huge for ASD kids. BUT, 7th grade is also one of THE toughest socially for boys, so he would definitely need an aid to run interference.

He is not very communicative; tested with expressive language skills at a 24 month old level recently, and mostly uses PECS which limits what he can say. He does not answer yes/no opinion questions (e.g. "Do you like to swing?" - instead he could answer, "Do you prefer to swing or to brush your teeth?" by picking the PECS card) or questions about how he feels emotion-wise or pain-wise in any way.

He has a 1:1 aide no matter what program he's placed into, and also has a service dog with him at school (the dog lives with us and is not affiliated with the school).

I don't think he'll be able to try each program because the teachers are fighting with the government over their contract, this week they started a rotating strike and are planning to up it to a full strike soon if an agreement isn't reached. Our transition meeting (where the teachers from both new programs were going to meet with me, his current teachers and therapists to discuss his transition to next year) has been postponed (was supposed to be yesterday) to an unspecified date...
Everything I know, I was told briefly in a parent-teacher conference 2 weeks ago, where we just discussed the logistics of each placement.

My school is the perfect example of Darwinism. Only the neurotypicals are the one that are spared. The people at my school with classic Autism are one, if not the most bullied folks at our school. Even people with Asperger's, like myself are also bullied to some degree. The Autism school may be the best, because if he is sent to a regular school, he will be looked down on, that is a very sad fact, but this is how the wretched society has put it. You told me that you worry his Academical skills, that can be a worry if he is sent to an Autism school. I was in Special Ed for almost 7 years, and when I finally came out to be in the classroom, I couldn't do it, too much responsibility and disorganization, but I wanted to be in the classroom. I'm still learning to cope with it, it has become better, but I still have a big handful of challenges ahead of me. But then again, I prefer the classroom over the Special Ed, because special ed ruined me. Socially and Academically.

Does your son understand that you are deciding his school? And if so, does he have an opinion?

I wouldn't leave it to him to decide, if you knew what was best. But when you could go either way, and it may or may not work out, I think his wishes if any really important. Because communicating depends a lot on getting satisfying responses. And I'd be worried since it went poorly when he moved last time and now is going well, he may have anxiety that is hard for him to express when it comes to moving schools again.

Don't know that he would be somehow safer or better off in the autism school as far as peer behavior. People sometimes victimize those they see as weaker. There is a thread right now by a teen who was in an autism school most of his life that he was bullied mostly by peers with ASD. Sounds like it really was hard on him.

But the autism school will have more autism experts to work with your son. Don't know there's a wrong decision here. If he is uneasy about moving I would not force him to change to the autism school because as the parent I think you're the one he needs to be able to turn to to help advocate for what he wants. Because he can't do that well. Not saying this is easy. Just that there isn't an obvious right or wrong answer.

To clarify: it's an autism class not school. It's a different public school that has an autism program as the magnet (each school in our district has a magnet program which allows people out of the catchment area to attend it; whether it's the autism program or the orchestra program, etc.). So he would still see the mainstream kids in the hallways and stuff.

I haven't told him, no. He has major issues with change (more so than most autistic kids I know) and I've found that it tends to work a little better if we can present him with a social story about him going to the new place (with photos of the place) before we go. Since either way it is a change, my concern is if I present both options, he'll have two things to get upset over rather than one. He doesn't know that he has autism or have the awareness to know that he's different, so I don't see how he could tell me. I could be underestimating him... I'm not sure.


Yes, he definitely has anxiety about changes. I think part of his anxiety is related to him not understanding what we're saying to him. Again, it's hard for me to know how much he really understands, but I get this impression because for example, if we take a different route than we normally do to go somewhere, he has a meltdown. If I tell him that we're just going a different way because there's construction or whatever, and we're still going there!, he will still cry and cry..until we arrive. So I think he thinks I've changed the plan because he doesn't recognise this route so this is WRONG (he is heavily dependent on a schedule too). With changing schools, I think it'll be similar, but I don't know what to do about it. He doesn't seem to generalise well. I think he thinks his classroom is THE school, so even changing the classroom is wrong because it's not "THE school".

The social story thing seems to help him understand, because he knows what it will look like... but god forbid they moved the furniture before he arrived and it looks different than it does in the picture! We've been working on "Plan A" and "Plan B" recently, trying to get him to understand that there's more than one way to do things, but he seems to be very "black and white" with his thinking.

I understand better now I think. It must be very hard not knowing how much your son understands. I am not autistic, but others will say if their experience is different. One of the things that has been most frustrating for me is when I have something in my head and the thought is there and there is no way to sort it, or no way to make it known and fix something upsetting because it's too hard to sort into words and say them. And it's really hard to listen when you have a pressing thought in your head.

So I wondered, do you feel your son's ability to understand varies, and when there is a change or something upsetting maybe he might seem not to understand, and maybe the social story explains by calming which allows him to understand?

Maybe I'm not expressing it well. I do think you will make a good decision. And if the answer were obvious, this would be easy, it's not easy because it could go either way.

You said you really don't want to change his school again. If that's based in fear, look past the fear. There is a lot of appeal to the familiar, there is a lot of appeal to let your child stay in a place where he is liked by the teachers. Either way, he will keep you and be learning. The other thought I have is it can be very problematic if he is bored, if that seems more likely in the autism classroom, being bored can feel almost physically painful. So I guess just to think about where he will be most comfortable, as that's likely what he needs is a place he feels as at ease as possible---school can be really tough and he will learn best not where the best program is, but where he feels the greatest calm and ability to connect to the world, which will allow him to learn and grow and develop the most.

My two cents worth....

It is so hard to get anyone into an Autism support class in my area. The district hates it as it costs more $$$$$$. They throw everyone into General education, and you fight tooth and nail to get supports there.

Could you do, say 4 months in the Autism class, and if it you think he is ready, move him up then?

My one friend has a son who is HF. The one thing she regrets is not focusing more on the social skills while she had a little more say. Her son is 20 now. He did okay academically in K-12, but now he's floundering as a young adult. He has bombed out of university, then community college, and can't get a job.

The son's social skill level is around a 10 year old.

The world will hire a C level student who gets along with everyone, over the A student with limited social skills. You can supplement the academics at home. There are all sorts of Saturday enrichment classes. If you think the Autism support teachers are the real deal, and can get him further along interacting with people, I go that way.

I think you should try the autism class. My mum taught an ASD class in a public school for a few years and because the class was small she was able to provide somewhat individualized programming for kids of different functioning levels. So , maybe the teacher can see where your son is in his academic and social development and help him at that level. Sometimes the autism rooms have special sensory toys and objects and/or a separate room for timeout. There were some kids with a lot of aggression who tried to bully the other kids but bullying could be a problem anywhere and at least it can be noticed and dealt with more easily in a smaller class.

I think you try to separate the logical answer and the instinctive emotional response. Go with emotion, go with instinct here.

Logic doesn't tell you all of it.

Sometimes my instincts are wrong abut what's right for myself, I know that.

I don't recall going strongly against my instincts as a parent and having it work out for child, though.

You aren't over the bad experience, your child is liked where he is and this school wants to make it work. To the point that they have made it work with him in a classroom that is intended for quite different children. Says a lot for the culture of that school, I'd want to stay, too. It's hard to find that kind of culture. No guarantee it isn't just that teacher, still. Says a lot.

There are reasonable arguments on both sides. So I would not decide to move him to the autism classroom because it seems to make sense and your previous experience was bad. I think that is a mistake. The autism classroom may be a good choice, if you want it, but I don't think you should force yourself to want it because it seems better. It may be, it may not be. There will be difficulties along the way whichever program your son goes to. Reasonable people disagree about the benefits of mainstreaming versus separate classroom, and it sounds like he would be in a smaller special ed classroom much of the time staying in the same school, and he will have his 1:1 aide in either program.

Your son will find school stressful, sometimes very much so sometimes not. The more stressed he is, the more he needs to withdraw from the world and from learning and relating.

I think as both choices have something to offer and you don't want to move him other than from fear of any mainstreaming you should keep him in the same school unless you change your mind and want him in the autism program.

Because in the end you need to live with yourself and do what you feel best about and if you don't want to move him, don't. Good arguments on either side, and your son is depending on you to pick. I'm having trouble wording this, but it's hard to decide what's right for ones child, we have had that struggle, I think many parents likely have.

And what I came out knowing is that the most important thing is to believe in what you are doing and be able to sleep at night about it and be able to look again to change things if necessary because you can't know all the right moves. And when a child doesn't fit well, letting go and going on instinct is what may allow you to believe in what you choose and feel good about it that child picks up on and feels better because you believe.

Everything depends on the kid mix and the teachers, and the aide he has, anyway. And it isn't fully controllable, which is scary.

So go with what YOU want as following your instincts is I think the closest you can get to cutting down the fear for you and by extension your child. And don't let anyone tell you he'll be safer in the autism class, he'll be safer having an aide and feeling as safe inside as possible, bullies can exist anywhere and even amongst autistic kids, even if they are too inside themselves to intend to bully, they could do mean things repeatedly.

I also suspect it is possible you may change your mind and decide you do want the autism classroom. In which case I encourage you to make that choice. But as you can't ask your child, do what feels right to you.

When I really can't decide, I will sometimes take a step back and share this with the experts as in "I'm unsure what to do, if this were your child, what would you choose?" And if you see the expert kind of go inside his or her head and there is a pause and they don't look self serving, well, that's the advice I lean on the most. And it's usually helpful.

Waterfalls probably has an extremely valid point.

I wish we could get inside all of it well enough to be more help. But, one thing I do suggest: Don't choose an option you don't think will be a good one just because you know change will be very hard.