At my wits' end over placement

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Not sure I'm asking for advice or just venting; probably both.

My son, 7, is finishing up 1st grade. He has an IEP for autism.... he is very "high functioning" and there is some debate as to whether he is really has an ASD or if it's more like giftedness-plus-SPD.... I'm not so concerned with defining it as I am about how to help him be happy at school. School has been HELL since he started Kindergarten. Hell for him, for his teachers, and for us (because of the pressure the staff have put on us to do something about the "problem".) The weird thing is that he doesn't actually hate school-- he just hates to do work that he doesn't want to do in the moment. (Which feels very ASD to me.) Anyway. Right now he is supposed to be Gen Ed for much of the day, with pullouts for OT and speech, and he gets kicked out to the RSP room if he's having trouble getting something done in the Gen Ed room or if he's bothering people (like tapping on his desk because that's more fun that doing some worksheet.) Lately he's been spending more and more time in the RSP room. (Where he still doesn't do the work, but it's more convenient for everyone else.)

It's a tricky situation. He's way behind in some things (handwriting) but way ahead and bored in others (intellectual interests). He loves to be around the other kids and doesn't want to be homeschooled. He hates, hates, HATES the seat work, which is going to get worse next year. The school staff are putting a ton of pressure on me to move him to a special "day class" (full day Spec Ed room) at one of the other elem schools in our district. I don't think this room is right for him but it would be way more convenient for the staff, so it's hard for me to trust their recommendations.

Has anyone pulled their kid and homeschooled because school just wasn't "working", in spite of their kid not really *wanting* to home school? I should point out that I don't really CARE whether he does his work (I'm not worried about him academically) but it's a HUGE huge deal to the school and they are relentless in their campaign to pressure me into a situation that's more "user-friendly" for THEM. If he would just shut up and do his work, they would leave him alone and everyone would be happy, and he probably wouldn't even need an IEP.

I have the feeling that the best place for him would be some kind of school with an accelerated curriculum, but where it's about the love of learning, and not about the constant threat and anxiety of evaluation & assessment. (He HATES assessment...) The staff is at their wits' end because if he FEELS like doing his work, he gets 100% most of the time... but if he's NOT in the mood, he won't even pick up his pencil. Moving him to full-time Spec Ed is not going to magically solve that issue! He already has a full-time aide and she's more like a babysitter (to escort him to RSP when he gets kicked out) and she's pretty ineffectual at motivating him.

Sigh

Full-time Special Ed is definitely not the answer. It would leave him permanently behind in everything, with a stigma attached to him to boot.

The ideal would be what he is now--or perhaps a gifted program.

Unfortunately, he does have to get used to "seat work," and to doing things he doesn't want to do at the moment.

I wonder if some kind of psychotherapy/play therapy might help him.

He sounds sooo much like my son at that age. The main difference? It sounds to me like my son's school was a lot more patient with him.

It sounds like your viable options are to continue with the general ed and pull outs, or home school. Don't let them just do what is convenient for them; kids like your son often have classroom aids to help with these issues, because, yes, schools are supposed to go that far in making accommodations work.

Unless, of course, there are private schools or other public schools you could transfer him to. You never know, a different school could be a better fit.

I do see a nice little incentive hook in your post: your son wants to stay in the classroom. So you give him what is really a pretty black and white choice: "you are going to have to learn to do the work you don't want to do in class, or we are going to homeschool. Those are your choices. I am happy to brainstorm with you and try things out to help you solve whatever issues are keeping you from doing your work in class, but you MUST improve if you want to stay."

I am concerned that he may be dysgraphic, and that writing is literally painful. In that case, that is long slow process to getting him where he is actually capable of filling out worksheets, and what he really needs is support and accommodation, instead of orders. In that case, helping him learn to sit down and perform written work will require that you make the work fit his needs, instead of the other way around. For that, you will need the school to work with you, not against you, as it seems they are trying to do, despite offering OT and speech.

There are many other potential hurdles as to why he has trouble with the work, all of which are much more complicated than simply not wanting to do it right now. Sometimes claiming not to want to is a defensive mechanism, covering up a road block the child himself does not understand. In which case, figuring what the roadblock is, is key. Shoot, I could write books on that concept ... but the point really is, I have a hunch you will find there is a lot more going on than simple refusal, and even giving him an ultimatum won't solve the problem. BUT, maybe, just maybe, the ultimatum (if carefully expressed) can get him TALKING to you about what REALLY goes on his head, as part of the problem solving process.

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I pulled both of my older boys out when they were half way through 1st and 2nd. I was going to wait until the end of the year, but the situation was just getting worse and worse. My oldest is a passive type HFA, who is always described as 'sweet'. The problem with him was not, not understanding the academics in 2nd grade (he hit a wall in 6th), but that he needed continuous 1:1 attention to redirect him to work and focus on the class room and not what was going on in his head. The grades at the time were based primarily on the tests, which he always passed, but he had a stack of incomplete worksheets over a foot high when we cleaned out his desk. The teacher had too many kids to give him the attention he needed, and the school wouldn't do anything as long as he had good grades (and he didn't get the ASD diagnosis until almost 13, would have been sooner in public school). So that was him.

The second kid was the one in misery. He is ADHD. He has always been manageable without meds, if you take the time to manage him instead of labeling him a bad kid and singling him out for punishment, which is what his witch of a 1st grade teacher did. He has always been a slow reader, much preferring audio books, as he has gotten older. She flat out said he was stupid and couldn't learn. She was always shifting the goals of behavior to make it so that her pets got rewards and he never did. The rule was supposed to be that if they had no behavior marks all week, they got an extra recess. She would make sure on his good weeks to give him a mark a few minutes before the recess. On his bad weeks, when all the kids had some marks, she would always forgive however many marks her pets had, but not however many my kid had, so that he still didn't get the recess. (And usually this would be more marks forgiven than he had had the prior week when she held him to the punishment).

She was telling the other teachers that he was a problem, sending him to the office constantly, etc. I homeschooled him until last fall when he started 7th grade. He always loved the being around other kids thing. He hated that part of homeschooling, even though I took them to group classes once a week, and we did some other things for a couple of years, and there were plenty of other boys in the neighborhood that he played with a lot after school and during the summer.

He did have some trouble when he went back to school. He's been suspended for fighting twice (the other kids started it. He finished it.) There has been consistent bullying and name-calling (he's gay, and the middle school staff are A-ok with the kids running around using gay bashing slurs toward one another. I seriously, seriously hate the middle school.) Even with all that, he is happier with being at school for the social ties. He agrees, though, that the years he spent in homeschool were good for him. He doesn't see himself as a 'bad kid' (which he did in 1st grade, and I don't see that having changed in school). The kind of kid he is, if he hadn't had those years to develop his sense of self apart from those kids, he would definitely be following them into trouble just to be part of the crowd. Now he knows he is different and is mostly okay with that; doesn't judge his self-worth on what middle schoolers think of him. I doubt he would have had the courage to come out at 11 if he had been in school the whole time.

He learned a lot about controlling himself, as well. He still makes a lot of impulsive mistakes, but he knows much more about managing himself than he would have if he had spent the last 7 years on medication that did all the work for him. He presents as a much older kid, and adults generally enjoy being around him, because he can have actual conversations with them on their level.

Seat work was always a struggle, and between the two of them tag teaming me (they both really needed 1:1) they never got enough of it done. We missed a few things Mostly because I never found a solid program I liked, so I piecemealed it, and I'm honestly not organized enough for that. So we missed a lot of geography and composition, but we did manage to get Math and Grammar and quite a bit of Science and History. I finally found a solid program I like and the youngest is getting that from the beginning. We got enough done that he wasn't behind academically, but not enough that he was able to easily keep up with the workload when he started 7th grade public school. It has been a hard adjustment for him, but he has finally evened out and gotten used to it. His slow reading speed is still a problem for him, but I suspect that he'll just always be a slower reader. As long as his comprehension is good, I'm not too worried about it for him as an adult.

Overall points from the rambling:
1. His self-esteem is vastly better than it would have been if he had stayed being called a bad kid by his teachers and constantly punished.

2. He learned how to control his own behavior instead of having to rely on medication, which for him would have been a life long medication. He's still hyper and impulsive, and always will be. He's just more mature now.

3. He did learn, though we never managed to instill a good seat work ethic in him. (More a failure on my part than his).

4. He did have some gaps in his learning, again much more my fault than his, and should be remedied for the next child now that I have a good program chosen.

5. He communicates very well with a wide range of people, and doesn't limit himself to only interests and people that middle school boys find 'cool'. (He is a very social adept kid, so he has full understanding of what that means for him while socializing with the kids at school. An ASD kid probably wouldn't be able to manage that at all.)


As for the ASD kid, my oldest went into public school in the 8th grade, which is in the Junior High building and a much better staff and environment in general. He is an incredibly sweet kid. He sits with the girl's sports teams at lunch (which he enjoys immensely). However, I am not sure that the girls are seeing it the way he is. I think he is more like a 'mascot' than a potential boyfriend, which is what he is thinking. Still I'd take them seeing him as someone who needs some protection over them seeing him as a target any day. The middle kid and the neighbor boy that is their best friend shelter him somewhat on the bus, where all the kids try to prove that Lord of the Flies totally had it right. I'm not sure he would have made it on the regular bus all year without his brother and the neighbor boy also riding it.

He is in a mix of resource classes (English, PE), modifed mainstream classes (math, history, and science), and mainstream classes (art, computer, health). He absolutely does not see himself as a failure for being in those classes. Because he was in homeschool the year he got to point he couldn't keep up with mainstream, he didn't have to go through a year of school failure to get into those classes. In fact, he started school part way through the 1st nine weeks and they put him in the self-contained room at first to let him get used to going to school, and so they could do all their placement tests without having to constantly disrupt his day. So he totally sees the classes he is in as an accomplishment, and they work really well for him.

Is your son becoming disruptive to the other kids when he doesn't do the work, having meltdowns, etc., or just not working?

Check out Lost At School by Ross W. Greene. Adults have a tendency to assume "he just doesn't want to", and look no deeper to figure out the real problems that are preventing a child from doing the work. It could be the handwriting, it could be that something about the worksheets are difficult to understand, it could be the environment is bugging him. The book gives some great examples of how to get the child to talk about the work he's not doing to help you uncover the actual root cause.

I would find out about all the charter and private schools in your area. There are even hybrid homeschools where the child takes classes onsite 2,3, or 4 days a week, and these schools are required to provide speech and OT. Maybe you will find someplace where the teachers and administration are more flexible.

I don't have much substantive to add except that I really feel for you. It sucks having the wrong fit for kids who NEED a perfect fit.

The only advice I would offer is to see if your health insurance will pay for a private assessment and have them do a FULL assessment and offer an exact plan for the school. Make sure they know the specific issues that concern you: if you get someone good, they might well be able to find specific deficits (e.g. dysgraphia) and recommend specific interventions.

This is more of a strategic decision than a practical one: schools who don't play fair find it easy to brush off parents, but find it much more difficult to brush off professionals who can tell when decisions aren't based on the best interests of your child. If your private practitioner can send someone with you to your meetings with the school, make sure you do that as well.

Wow, thanks so much everyone for all of your responses!

Some more details:

He is not at all averse to seat-work when it's on "his terms".... e.g. he can sit at his desk at home and happily write pages of text about how to craft something in Minecraft, for example. So I don't think handwriting is *inherently* difficult for him, but he is definitely way behind the other kids in that area, and it shows, and I think it's hard for him because he's still catching up there... I mean, he started Kindergarten with ZERO pencil skills (my fault) whereas most of the other kids in class had been in daycare & preschool from an early age and could already write and draw pretty well. I think he gets confused because he KNOWS he's smart, and yet he looks around and these kids are running circles around him on these worksheets. I think it makes him doubt himself on some core level.

Trying to figure out WHY he has difficulty doing the work in the school setting is really the million-dollar question. I'm not convinced it is all sensory. Some of it is boredom with the content, but not in the sense that the work is "beneath" him-- for example he also needs to catch up on his math facts, but being faced with a page full of equations is so mind-blowingly tedious to him that it's hard to reason with him as to WHY he needs to put himself through that. He is now getting mature enough that I can just have frank talks with him about it, as someone suggested-- that if the goal (and his wish) is to stay in Gen Ed, then he needs to figure out how to deal with worksheets that don't interest him or which are challenging (for whatever reason) because that's just part of Being a Student. But he will still just get so frustrated with how "Not Fun" all that is that he can be reduced to tears because he's so unhappy about it. In that way you can really see the "developmental delay". He doesn't have the same emotional coping skills as other kids his age. And the stuff where he is way ahead (like, knowing more about electricity or chemistry than most adults) doesn't matter because school for him right now is all about Behavior Control and Writing on Subjects that Don't Interest Him and Doing One Million Math Equations. This is where homeschooling would be really appealing, because I could tailor the curriculum to HIS interests. But he has not responded to even that suggestion. Unlike me, he is very social and really likes going to school (if only they didn't have to do all that pesky work!)

Right now I feel like the best course may be to just "keep on keeping on", playing the "game" with the staff (which means playing dumb sometimes, or smiling and nodding my head when really I feel like cursing at them or storming out of the room), etc. I have faith that he is going to mature and many of these problems may simply wane. He may choose homeschooling later, if bullying becomes an issue. I know I would have LOVED to have been homeschooled-- I'm probably somewhere on the spectrum, but I was one of those kids who did very well academically and didn't give my teachers any trouble, so I sneaked through the system. The social aspect was Hell on Earth though.

We did have him privately evaluated in Kindergarten, because we really couldn't believe what the school was telling us (that he was seriously disabled and would never get beyond playing in the sandbox-- ignoring what we said, about how very capable he was, socially and otherwise, *outside* of school...) We hoped that the eval would at least "prove" that he was as brilliant as we knew him to be, so that they couldn't continue to condescend to him and ignore how very smart he is... well, that sort of backfired because he REFUSED to participate in the evaluation process (because, surprise-surprise, it was just a bunch of tests, which he LOVES <---sarcasm)... so, based on a handful of sessions, in which most cases my son just sat close-mouthed on the Dr's couch with a grumpy look on his face, he got a formal dx of ASD, anxiety, and possible ADHD. The actual write-up that went with the dx contained many falsehoods to that point that I was laughing out loud, like him having a "special interest" (to support that part of the dx) in recycling. (They happened to be studying recycling at school that week, so that's why he was talking about it to the Dr.) So much of it just seem like a huge load of horse***t.

My son was very disruptive in Kinder... classic "fight or flight" responses like hiding under tables, crying, making weird noises, etc. All that behavior is pretty much gone now, a year later. But as the level of expectation (and the intensity of the work-room) has increased already, so has the tolerance for any kind of disturbance been massively reduced. I think simply tapping his pencil on the table is not tolerated and he's kicked out. We have recently gotten accommodations added for a Theraband on his chair, and Theraputty to start his day (and to use if he wants during scheduled breaks), and that has helped a lot-- to give him a "sanctioned" way to fidget.

I sill can't quite figure out his behavior though. He's very bright and I'm sure he can connect that being noisy and annoying is going to get him kicked out, and he HATES going to RSP, so that part doesn't make sense. It may very well be that he simply isn't quite "there" yet as far as being able to control his impulses even though he knows he isn't going to like the consequences. He can definitely understand it on an intellectual level, like if you talk about it with him, but he's not quite there yet as far as being able to apply it "in the moment". Especially if the task at hand is really onerous.

We have a private O.T. who works with him 2x a week at home and she has been *awesome*. (She's the one who introduced the Theraband and Theraputty). She has turned homework from being a 3-hour session of abuse and tears, into a very doable hour which is not necessarily fun, but certainly doable, where he knows what to expect and is willing to do it. I bring her to all the IEP meetings so that they have more than just the "worthless" parental input to support the notion that he is starting to learn about his own needs, and what to do about them.

Sometimes it just feels as though there is no place for these kids, and no real desire on the part of the schools to make it work. That's so very maddening. They want him to fit neatly into a category, which has a clear instruction manual to go with it, which will magically work every time. That's just not going to happen.

Again, thank you all so much for reading and responding. I've been on a real emotional roller-coaster today. (It all began with another "DOOM" email from staff, complaining that he refused to do his district writing assessment today.) I respond to this stuff with, "I see... what can I do to help?" To which I get, "nothing-- just wanted to let you know." ARRRRGGHHHH. Well, at least it's not the daily phone calls anymore, as it was in Kindergarten. Boy, that was fun. Have you ever felt like you were being harassed by a public school? Sheesh.

One alternative that may be available to you depending on your state: half-day homeschool. That's been my go-to "plan B" for several years (which I've never had to use, though some years by the skin of my teeth.) At the very least, you may be able to opt out of the classes where they're doing all the frustrating assessing.

Yeah....it sounds like your school is terrible. That's really the heart of the problem. Your son's issues don't seem like ones that a mainstream school shouldn't be able/willing to handle. I can only think they want to send him to special ed because they are really lazy, or really ignorant, or both.

On the tapping:

Often kids like ours do not even know they are doing it. An approach one of my son's teachers used, which was quite effective, was to simply walk over to his desk when he did noisy stims like that, place her hand on the desk as if she was leaning, and stay until my son had figured out and discontinued his own disruptive behavior. All he needed was that signal; no reason to make a case out of it or disturb the class by calling attention to it. Now, that teacher was at a higher grade level, but similar things have been used by lower grade teachers to equally positive effect.

If he is so stressed out that he can't stifle the behavior, then he should have the option of choosing to go the resource room while he calms himself down. The goal is to pass on as much responsibility for self-monitoring as the child is capable of, and give him the help he needs to do it.


Back to the worksheets:

Another common problem ASD kids have is that they can't see the end to their pain. They look at that sheet and it seems endless and impossible. If the school could apply variations of homework strategies we used with our son, that might help.

One of those strategies is to visibly cut back the work. For example, take some white stickie notes and cover over half the page. He simply no longer has to do those problems. Seeing less work in front of him makes it easier to attack what he does see. A similar strategy is to get a large sheet with a cut out that will show only one problem at a time. He works on the problem he sees and only moves the cut out space to another problem when he has finished the first.

Another strategy is to have a timer allowing him to see the passing of the allotted time. That way he knows there will be an end, and that it isn't really all that far away. Start with small, short periods and give rewards for staying on task through the period, while also letting him know how many periods, total, there will be.

An important piece of both strategies is this: as long as he can sit down and do the work (staying mostly focused) for the allotted time, once the time is over, HE IS DONE, whether or not all the work has actually been completed. This teaches him to cross that line of simply starting, which is usually the most difficult part.

Also, don't discount the possibility of sensory stress even if it isn't obvious to you or to him. So many things about a school environment stress out our kids, and that includes things they enjoy.

I was going to ask about having a support person in the classroom. If that's what he needs, that's what he should get. He is entitled to a free and appropriate education in the least restrictive environment.

The pull-outs might even be a good thing. Instead of thinking of it as a punishment, maybe it's good to get him out during the parts he can't handle.

That's along the lines of another thought I had, though DW_a_mom is a little more specific. There could be any number of problems that he can't explain. I wouldn't wait twenty years for him to figure it out (which could be how long it will take if no one recognizes his problems). If the reality of this moment is that he can't handle that portion of the day, I wouldn't push it. If removing him from that impossible situation is not perceived as a punishment, then maybe that's a clue. Just make sure they're not using it as a punishment: pull him out during the pointless, meaningless workbook time (they shouldn't be doing that crap anyway, for anyone) and bring him back for the good stuff.

How fluent is he on the computer? Some of us write better than we talk, and some of us type better than we write. In the extreme, I've known autistic people who literally can't talk at all, but type 90 words a minute. They include some of the most intelligent, insightful people I know but, if born a few decades earlier, they would have been presumed to be profoundly ret*d and left to rot in institutions like so many vegetables.

At the age of seven, he's on the brink of blossoming into -- who knows? I'd give him all the communication options possible and skip the nonsense that's beneath him or beyond him. Some people have computers in the IEP.

Bingo.

because they don't have a lot of wits to begin with. They think their job is to turn him into carbon copies of their limited selves, and if they crush his potential in the process, that's not their problem.

If your school doesn't have a gifted program that would work for him, have you looked around for charter schools? You don't say where you live. In New Jersey, a charter school is a public school of choice, supervised by the state rather than the local district. It's open to everyone in the designated area by lottery. The one I found for my kids was perfect. http://unitycharterschool.org/
My son was never diagnosed. I didn't know about Asperger's at the time, and no one suggested it. But in that school, the culture and the teachers were so supportive, a diagnosis wouldn't have made any difference. For example, When I told the sixth-grade teacher that I was more concerned with socialization than academics, she took me seriously and went way out of her way to draw my son into things.

Another bonus to the tiny charter school is that it allowed us to bypass the hell of middle school. After that, he qualified for the county vo tech high school, which is a geek paradise.

You might also think about private or religious schools. I'm not crazy about religion, but I would go with whatever fits.

I chose to homeschool my son because I knew the district would have been a recipe for disaster for him. At 5, he was academically advanced yet socially and emotionally behind his peers. I decided to homeschool him and work on his issues while giving him appropriate academic work for his abilities. About a year into homeschooling, my son decided he wanted to go to school(he got social skills group at the school and the social worker convinced my son that school was so much fun and that he would love to go there). I explained to him while he is a young kid, it is my job to make the best decisions for him. I explained that for now, that school wasn't in his best interest, and when it was, he could go. That was a few years ago, he is now finishing up 3rd grade and if I dare mention public school to him he cries! If you want to homeschool , you can take a similar approach.

The schools are just not designed for the kind of customization that some kids need. It is an educational factory and if your kid doesn't neatly fit into the types of students the factory produces... your child will not have an easy go at it.


I am a reluctant homeschooler. I probably should have spent more time and energy arguing for a 1 to 1 qualified aide. That might have made the difference. I don't know. Things were bad enough that we made the decision unilaterally, told him that the school was not designed for him, I could not trust them to take good care of him and that we'd be homeschooling. (All true) I do not usually do things that way, but that was how bad it was. He is so socially behind that I did not get any kind of fight. After the bulk of summer having been over, he ceased to miss anyone, anyway.

Your situation is different b/c your child -wants- to be there, so it is not so easy. Mine had awful anxiety about school.

Would he do something like Khan Academy for math? My son prefers it to worksheets, although I do make him do some. With Khan Academy they don't see a big page full of stuff, and if the virtual scratch pad is too small, you can have him write stuff out in Paint. My son has issues with worksheets not having enough room for his big handwriting. I don't know if the school would go for it, but some schools do use it.

If the school wants him out because he's a first grader who gets bored and taps his pencil, then they need to just ship the whole class to special ed. I can't see how any first grader would meet their behavior standards. Maybe they're just trying to bully you into putting him on meds, without actually saying so.

Sorry, I'm probably not being very helpful. Unless knowing that someone else is cheesed off about your situation helps, in which case consider me cheesed.

So we had a somewhat similar experience. It's not so much that the school or staff were "bad" it's just... sometimes easier to take the "Easy" and "cheap" way out... especially if you and the student are just another piece of paper to them.

Long story short, I wasn't handed everything and some of those folks were complete d-bags, BUT I ended up getting everything I asked for. She got a full time 1 on 1 aid. She also got grade accelerated (not to 4th (she tested into 4th technically...), that would be silly, just one grade for now and maybe one grade later if she continues to do well). The things that were key are:

1) always be nice, but make your point. Someone will hear it even if they pretend not to. If someone hears it and they have any empathy or scruples at all, it's a huge help.

2) dont' flip your lid, some stuff takes time. If you show even a hint of negative emotion or hostility, it's over. They won't want to deal with you.

3) super important- ingratiate yourself in some way. Make yourself known to the staff as more than just the parent of your child, the child who likely causes them extra stress and work. Things you can do, and will take effort on your part are- volunteer for activities, send extra supplies, go to every open house/conference possible, go to PTO meetings, lead an activity- in my case I lead a girl scout troop. I work full time too, I ahve literally ahd zero free time this year. Also super important make sure to send a nice gift for the teacher, aid, intervention specialist etc... at the holiday time AND during teacher appreciation week. If you don't have a lot of money, something home made and thoughtful.

4) get to know other parents. Help them with things when they need it. LEt them get to know your child. Educate them about autism. Some will listen. MAke analagies that make sense so that they can relate to what if would be like if their child was treated like yours. If you can get their friendship and empathy, it's a huge help.

5) Anything you can supply or do that will help the teacher, do it. Schools are strapped for cash. If you can send in a lap pad, do it. If you have fidget toys you know your child likes, buy an extra and give it to the school. Anything like that.

6) Things take time, BE PATIENT. It's like the government. There is red tape, and interpersonal crap. Sometimes they can't instantly say right at the first IEP meeting "Here is everything you think you need" EVEN IF they actually think your child needs it. They can't. They have jobs they would like to keep. Often it is not the staff, but the district that is holding back what your child needs. Basically, you need to get the staff to fight for your child. So, Instead it's something you will have to chip away at. If neccessary, sign the IEP even when you aren't happy, and then immediatly submit in writing a request for a review of the IEP. Just keep doing it. Bring brownies or cookies to the meetings, not every one really needs to be there, but they HAVE to be there and they won't be happy about meeting every month. Goodies will soften the blow.

7) MAke sure they see your child as a person and not a problem.... while also acknowledging that your child, nor any child, is perfect. If they snap and bite their aid or teacher don't make excuses even if they are legitimate. Just have the kid write or sign an apology note...

Unless bullying is involved. We had this happen with DD. She snapped and injured another child on the playground. She did not understand what was going on, and was unable to communicate to a teacher (before the incident) WHY she was frustrated, just that she WAS frustrated. Teacher told her to work it out. The bullying continued so my daughter punched the kid. They suspended her. She came home and told me what happened. She said the other kid was not making sense and kept doing things that didn't make sense and she got frustrated. I asked what the kid was doing... the kid was bullying. It was clear. I told her. She got very upset and had no idea why anyone would WANT to make her upset. I wrote a letter to the principal telling her verbatim what my daughter had told me and made it clear that if it happened again, I would be upset enough to take out a full page ad in the newspaper letting everyone know that the school punishes the autistic victims of bullys. Last time that ever happened and they now have 4 teachers out during recess instead of 1. And they expelled the bully. That was the only time I ever made a "big deal" out of anything at the school, I do not take bullying lightly. Which leads me to my last point-

PICK YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY. Dont' make a big deal out of every little thing. Not everything will be perfect, or exactly what you would like. MAking mountains out of molehills will make you seem unreasonable. You really do need to compromise and need somewhere in the middle... preferably on YOUR side of the middle.

Uh hope that all helps. This is pretty much the list of rules I stuck to and it worked. At the beginning of the school year I thought I would have to pull her out and put her into a private school for autistic children and instead, got everything she needed.

Wow, CWA, this post ought to be stickied. At the very least, I think you should copy and paste it into the IEP thread.

I would add: take an advocate to meetings, preferably one who knows their way around the school system, the specific disability, and your child. It's hard to do all the things CWA says to do without support - just having someone in the room with you can help keep you calm and focused. (Advocates are different from lawyers - a SPED lawyer is the nuclear option and should be a last resort. I'm talking about having one of your child's outside therapists come in.)

Lots of states have SPED advocacy programs available to anyone if you search for them at the state board of education site. The state board also manages SPED, and can be a resource if you're having trouble with your school (but I'd go up the hierarchy first, e.g. classroom>in-school special services>principal>district special services>school superintendent>school board>state board) You can also find a lot of charities offering advocates.