Getting anxious about how much to push

Post Reply New Topic

My 15 year old daughter (AS) wants to be independent ASAP. But, she is uneasy talking to people or how to manage when things go wrong.

I don't want to push her to practice this when she is upset, at least I don't think so. But I do think part of being able to live on her own will be asking people for help on her own, sometimes new people who may not be in an identified helper role.

My question is, how much do people push, versus letting things progress naturally with a bit of encouragement and coaching as their child is willing and comfortable to talk to strangers to get things done, as child gets into mid and late teens?

I have an 8 year old, so it takes a different form. He feels weird talking on the phone but I will put him on to talk to certain people, sometimes to try to build comfort. I also make him give his order to the waitstaff and talk to cashiers. You can tell a smaller child that he can do big kid things in an encouraging way that does not come off the same way I would imagine it would for a teen. I guess the way to word it would be honest and say being able to______________________________ is a necessary skill to practice to be an independent adult.

As to how hard to push? I would say encourage -- until you get signs of too much resistance---when your Spidey senses tell you it it is too much fear or anxiety to be healthy.

I'm a big believer in doing this kind of thing as early as possible. Watch, hover discreetly, but get them to do stuff for themselves.

I made another kid do this who I was looking after recently. Picky eater, I made him do his own special order. He did it. His mother was shocked. OK, I was watching the whole time with my whole attention on that and I made my son go and help him when he seemed to struggle. But he did it. They are 6.

Pick your battles and do NOT step in unless you have to. Most kids will let you cater to them if they can.

How do you make them if you want to?

this type of fear often works like a phobia, and as for how to push and how much, do a search for systematic desensitization. It works on social phobias as well.

I see how I worded my post was not clear. My daughter has problems with pragmatic language. It takes her her longer than an average person to express herself, and she sometimes has trouble making herself clear, may leave out needed information. It isn't stranger related, she is the same with me. She has come a long way but it's hard to organize herself around identifying a problem, who to ask for help, and how to do so and even harder to monitor the other persons reaction and correct misunderstandings. And sometimes she seems to have trouble translating something abstract into a concrete decision and I can almost see her brain stuck on the abstract.

I worry about her having trouble asking for things effectively. But at the same time, American high schools can be tough places for any child to speak up about what they need, and I know people could really trash me for even suggesting that maybe my Aspie teenage daughter should be able to speak up effectively to advocate for herself in school. Still, she wants to move on in life, be independent, go away to college, and this makes me worry whether I should push her to communicate more to others when she needs something. Or whether she is doing her best, and just to be proud of her might be a better choice.

As a parent I think you HAVE to do this. But if she has problems wording things then you'll need to provide a lot of support. I don't know what techniques would work - so my suggestions may be crazy - but maybe using a notebook to organise her needs and then help her express them if speaking up is where the problem is. I'm NT, but I use this in situations where I have problems asking for what I need (for example with medical appts.) If you have a support group or a therapist, maybe they can help with some suggested techniques.

I'd be guessing that at this stage in her life she's got both an organic problem (organising thoughts and communicating them) and a bit of learned helplessness as well as social anxiety. So you're going to have to coach her through both. And this will mean exposing her to situations where she is likely to fail and where she may be ignored or worse by others. So start small and build confidence.

She has to be able to negotiate life on her own but she'll need some extra tools and help to do so.

You need to push.
Make her do some communication task that you would normally do for her.
Start now while she is still in high school.
Pragmatic language problems require lots of practice in real situations.

I'm not the best example for how to word things, and she learns well reading.

Are there any books that help with scenarios and scripts, preferably not talking much about feelings, that anyone has used?

I agree with this.

My son used to ask me to call to see if his friends were available -- fine and sensible when he was little, but his friends were either just dropping by or calling by the time they were 9 or 10. So I made him make the call himself. He hated it and complained for about 18 months. Now he just asks for the phone. Practice really did make it better and pushing achieved results.

There are a number of them out there - do a search on Amazon for "teen autism." I believe that one of the first episodes of Autism Talk TV reviews one.

I know my opinion probably won't be the most popular one, but I think that a good approach might be to just, rather than pushing, wait for the kid to show an interest in developing a new skill or skill set on his own, and then guide him through it. As a kid, I was always pushed into things that I had no interest in but that I HAD TO DO for some reason that was never fully explained (i.e., ballet, summer camps, extra-curriculars, soccer) and it got old fast.

You won't get static from me. I don't push extracurriculars at all. My son is not interested in anything we have locally, and the other kids would not be welcoming.

With me it is more pushing life skills, which is a whole separate thing. Those have to be worked on.

I have investigated and apparently parents don't push their children to handle this particular issue. I am just feeling anxious about helping her grow up as far as what's appropriate to push on.

The issue I was confused about was thinking I should maybe ask and expect her to deal with school district transportation snafu and call when schoolbus didn't show up. I thought I should maybe be asking her to do that like if she were in college she should. But asking questions I've learned that this would not be something normally asked of a high school student around where I live.

I don't want to ask more from her than what most kids would do. I just feel confused she wants to go away, how much do I still do for her, how much do I push and don't want to do too much or too little

I hope I am choosing a good path, My mother taught me I am a thing and the world is made up of people but I am a thing, so sometimes I get mixed up and I'd rather do too much than behave wrongly toward another human being

I never want my children to hear they are things. So sometimes I might do too much.

I wouldn't (personally) focus on that mainly b/c if she goes to college and is taking public transportation to various locations one doesn't really call the bus station to ask why the heck the bus is late. If you are talking about dealing with transportation to and from college at the beginning and end of term, college kids don't necessarily do that on their own either. It was common for parents to help in the beginning and end of the year to help move the student in and out of the dorm. What students did on the various breaks varied, of course, so I guess I would target the skills for what she would specifically be doing.

I think your general issue of just communicating when necessary is more your issue. At 15, I think I would mainly focus on what 15 yr olds normally do --- Can she get to the mall and buy clothing? Can she go the local hang out and order food and drink? That kind of thing.

As far as why she should want to go away for school. That is pretty normal, actually. Teens generally want to spread their wings. Going away for college allows one to start over socially, which if you are not very cool, can be especially appealing. You can try out new personas and nicknames, etc. The new part may or may not be scary for an aspie, but if she wants it, I would encourage her. It is healthy.

I just wanted to say this: there is no "right" way to parent (there are, as you've noted, lots of "wrong" ways.) Meaning this: it's impossible to make exactly the right choice every single time. You're going to make mistakes. I think the key is not in avoiding mistakes, but in how we respond to them differently than our parents did: acknowledging them, apologizing, trying not to do it again.

I also think that your ability as a parent is much more about the big picture than it is about the fine details - this "push or not push" idea is something I struggle with all the time. I don't think there's a good answer, but I try very hard to keep my son in the loop, and to let him know what I want him to get out of it, so he knows I'm not pushing him because I want something (which my own parents clearly did, meaning they cared more how I made them look than whether I had the tools I needed in life.)

So, this is just to say don't be too hard on yourself.