How to deal with people's assumptions about recent news

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So, we've now had two mass killers purported to have autism in recent news. This has appeared to spill over into my son's live in a few ways that bother me deeply - but I also wonder if I am overreacting.

Last year, DS had a teacher who freaked out that he was drawing guns (part of his IEP is that he gets to doodle.) I had to spend a long, complicated time explaining and finally did an end-run around the whole thing by having DS label his drawings "Nerf"

So, tomorrow, DS is going to a friend's house to spend the night - I have plans for the evening. This friend sent me an email requesting DS leave his Nerf guns at home, because he'd brought them to a party last week and had made a shooting gesture at her son's head (in good fun - although we have asked him not to do that, even for fun.) She said it made her "very uncomfortable."

Now, DS and her son have been playing nerf guns together for quite some time; they often go outside and shoot each other. I don't think they run a toy-gun-free household, and I don't think that the friend was worried about the gesture, other than that it wasn't really the appropriate context.

I'm not sure what to do here - I'm kind of screwed, because I need the help and now don't have time to find an alternative, but OTOH I don't want DS exposed to adults who automatically assume that kids on the spectrum (she knows the diagnosis and some of DS's history) are destined to be murderers, or who associate innocent play gestures with murder. I feel like that's where this person was going.

Initially, I said sure and that I'd talk to him (yes, it was an inappropriate context for that to happen, and one of our nerf rules is no headshots.) Now I don't know what to do. How would you handle this?

If they've been playing with guns together for a long time and she suddenly doesn't want him to anymore, is it at all possible that your son actually was taking it too far and being inappropriate with the gun? Did she suddenly decide this when you told her your son had ASD? What makes you think it's due to the news?

I should say that I'm biased because we are most definitely a gun-free, violence-free household, and I don't understand how pretending to kill people is fun. But we have neighbours who do play with guns and I don't like their kids pointing guns at my kids' heads and saying they're going "blow their brains out". I think it's completely inappropriate.

But the kids aren't autistic.

So my point is, from what you wrote (and obviously I didn't witness it), I don't see any indication that she thinks because he's autistic it's inappropriate. Maybe it just actually was that inappropriate (AS or no AS) that she's uncomfortable with it. (Which I think is perfectly reasonable. With our neighbours, I draw the line at playing with guns, but otherwise, I think they're nice kids. )

I would let him go and not say anything. Perhaps at some time you can nudge a little and see if you can get her opinion about the recent news and if it has affected her view on how your son plays, but that is something I would want to keep casual and light so you can use it as a teaching opportunity if need be.

I guess I've accepted that some people are going to make negative assumptions and there isn't really anything I can do about it. But I also am not being confronted by limiting effects if there are any negative assumptions. People around here try very hard top judge individuals based on what they see in front of them, and not based on any labels they may have. I worry because my son says things that I feel people could take wrong, but that is so out of my control, I've just forced myself to let it go. I just keep eyes and ears to the ground to sense if there are any negative rumblings developing, and I really am not seeing any.

Could this be a sign that some negative rumblings are developing? I suppose. But I'd want more observation and conversation first. Just as you don't want them to jump to conclusions about you, you should not jump to conclusions about them. There are dozens of reasons she could have made this decision, many of which have little to do with your son or his ASD. You just don't know.

Right off the top, I probably have to agree with DW. Most likely, it aint a big deal.

I was having a conversation with another parent (who pretty much lives with an NRA hat on) just yesterday about how up in arms kneejerk reactionary people get about gun anything these days. I grew up around guns and personally I find it idiotic, but thats people.

Might or might not have anything to do with ASD, and the only way to find out is to (yikes!) ask. And then, if you ask, you have to deal with the knowledge.

Which is something I struggle with too. Dunno if its easier or harder when it is your kid bearing the stigma instead of yourself. Probably harder.

I would probably just tell the kid that, this time anyway, he has to leave the guns at home and Play Something Else. Period end of story. If he asks why, reference whatever dipshit thing he did last time, with the addendum that dipshit things have dipshit consequences. If he says its stupid, tell him hes right, it is stupid. Sometimes people are stupid, and coping with that is a life skill.

Cant remember offhand how old he is, but Im pretty sure the answer is "Old enough to start on the hard lessons." Gulp. Its easier when theyre wee, and hard lessons are things like "take turns," "dont hit," and "wipe!"

I did talk to DS about the inappropriate gesture and timing of the gesture, and I know he needs to learn that lesson.

I don't think this woman is calling out my son's social skills (she apparently did correct him - I was there, but I'd forgotten about it, I'm pretty sure I said something, too - it seemed like a small thing at the time.) I also don't think it's an issue of him taking it too far, except for the social inappropriateness of the gesture. Pretend guns have been allowed up until now, the kids basically use nerf guns as a substitute for snowball fights in the summer.

The tone of the email was what makes me think it has to do with assumptions about DS and his diagnosis. It wasn't a matter-of-fact "we've decided no playing guns at our house" or the like.

I did want to start by asking if the rules about playing with guns had changed, or if I was wrong in assuming that her child played with nerf guns, to gauge whether or not the reaction is specific to my child. I'm a little concerned that my first response of "I'll talk to him" feeding into the idea that there's something wrong other than bad social skills.

Our kids are going to get over scrutinized. That is just how it is, especially if there has been any history of physicality that people are aware of. At this point I guess you have to be glad the mother is not trying to terminate the friendship, as crazy as people are. I would play her stupid game, and see what happens. She may let up on her own when she sees nothing bad occurs. They may even end up playing nerf gun with her boy's guns. If she feel more in control if they are her kid's guns... meh

Sorry. if this is too negative. It may just be my mood.

I agree with everyone else. This might not have anything to do with is ASD. Even if it does if you need to have him go, then he needs to follow the house rules. If the parents say no nerf guns, even if that is a new rule, then he should honor it as guest in their house. If the rule was dangerous or demeaning in some way, then I wouldn't allow him to go no matter the plans.

After the evening, if you really believe it is about his ASD and it is worth risking his friendship, then talk to her about how it came off to you. Just know if she could be really offended and just stop asking your son over and not allow her son to come to your house. I don't know your son, but lots of kids and not just ASD kids, do really inappropriate things with toy guns. They see stuff on TV and play it out and it could freak a parent out. Your son probably doesn't read unhappy parent very well and might have pushed it too far or maybe she is just oversensitive about violence.