I'm lost as to what to do

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My possible AS 13 yo has angry meltdowns. His 10 yo NT brother has a tendency to needle him, as little brothers sometimes do. S1 doesn't react well to this, and attacks him. I spend a lot of time separating them when this happens and giving consequences to S1. I feel like the consequences are not enough.

Today there was a particularly strong attack. I was able to break it up, but S2 later said that he's beginning to feel unsafe.

Anyway I know I need to do something, but I'm lost as to what, and the other question is when. S1 has been evaluated and tested for AS, and it's looking highly likely that is the case. But of course we won't know until we get the official diagnosis, so there is a chance it could be something else. The signs (not just the meltdowns) to me say AS, but I'm not the professional.

We have a meeting July 1 with the psychologist to go over the results of the testing and evaluation. At that time, I will be asking her what interventions do we need to do. My question for you, can I wait until then, which is in two weeks, or do I need to do something immediately?

We did put S1 on medication (Abilify, because I was scared of Risperdal) until we could get an official diagnosis and game plan. I'm not sure this is a long-term solution, but we needed some breathing room for now - this d@mn diagnosis process takes freaking forever. I'm calling the doctor today to discuss dosage and effectiveness. His meltdowns have gotten better - he used to regress to being non-verbal and beating his head against the floor or wall, and they would last for an hour. They are now much shorter, and he remains verbal. But they still happen.

I'm beginning to think that intensive therapy for S1 will not be enough, and that he may need to go in-patient, at least for a little while. But of course, I'm scared of the possible long-term negative impacts of that. Certainly we need family counseling on how to deal with this, and we need to do what we need to do to protect S2.

Again, I'm just so lost. And heartbroken. Particularly today. So when you respond, please be gentle. I already feel like a horrible, ineffective parent.

I am not excusing S1, but are there any consequences to S2 when he needles S1? I know it is not a long run solution, but if you could get S2 to leave S1 be, it would help him. It really is hard to resist melting down for many kids on the spectrum and he could use the scaffolding. The consequences for S1 may be beside the point if he can't control the impulse to lash out. Obviously that is a skill that needs to be worked on, but in the short run getting S2 to stop teasing him might be a temporary fix.

I've talked with S2 about that, and not for the first time. I think we get lulled into complacency because S1's attacks are not often. But I will emphasize that again. I've begun to explain to S2 that we are actively working on figuring out what's up with S1, and what we need to do about it to make things better, because I want him to know we're not just letting this slide. One of the things we will do once we have a diagnosis is get S2 some sibling-specific counseling.

Odetta - I don't have much advice, but I can let you know that you are not alone. My 13 year old AS daughter has a tendency to get violent with her twin NT sister. I have tried to explain to her that there are things she does to provoke her AS sister and that she would not get attacked if she would stop, but sometimes she just doesn't care and will do things that end up causing a meltdown. Mine are stuck together all day long in the same classroom at school, so I can see why they get tired of each other being together 24/7 sharing everything including friends.

I am hoping we will make it through the long summer and then they will be in separate high schools next year. Once your AS son gets diagnosed, his brother will have moments of understanding how difficult it is for his brother to have aspergers, but they are siblings and will fight at times anyways.

abilify is a pretty potent anti psychotic generally you should avoid this class of drugs completely if possible as they have a lot of negative long term side effects.
I have been prescribed it before and it made me very tired all the time and unable to think at all

Could your 10 year old be provoking his brother because he is angry and confused why his brother acts as he does? I am wondering if he might really care, and I have girls so maybe this is different, but he's 10, maybe he could respond if you sit down with him and talk about your understanding of where his brother is. Also if his brother seems like he is being mean or disrespectful to you, 10 year old could even be feeling protective of you. And maybe if you could explain what your doing to get help, and sort out with him what he can do that would be better, maybe that could improve things?

Stop punishing the victim, and letting the instigator off free. Tell S2 that from now on, any time he causes his older brother to act up, they will both be punished, and he--S2--will be punished worse for starting it. Then follow through with the punishments, as needed. And no, you don't need to hit either one. There are some easy alternatives:

- Time outs
- Grounding
- Loss of privalidges
- No computer/video games
- No internet surfing
- No phone calls

Ideally, you should be taking steps to prevent these incidents in the first place. There is an old saying: "Idle hands do the devils work." Your younger son is starting all this trouble because he has too much free time and energy. Keep after him to do his homework, and chores, and add more chores if he still has time and energy to annoy his older brother. Also assign chores to your older son, based on his ability to do them, and when they are at home, keep them in different parts of the house/yard as much as possible.

(I have tried half a dozen different ways to spell priviledges, and the app hates all of them. This is not a hill I need to die for, so I am just going to let it go.)

If you're scared, they probably are. Punishment won't fix that, be reassuring to both!

Hi. Can you give us an example of what causes a breakdown? I ask because there's some behavior that is really normal for 10 year olds, and I think a lot of the posters are asking a lot of your younger son (who is still only 10!). What is he doing that causes his brother such distress?

We don't know what he is doing yet, and that is just your experience. My experience has been different.I get concerned when physical violence is excused by blaming the victim, especially when the victim is younger and smaller. The 10 year old has to learn to modify his behavior, but within limits that are normal and achievable given his age. Either way, he shouldn't have to live in fear of getting beaten up by his big brother to such an extent that the mother has to struggle to pull the brother off. Come on! I just have such a strong reaction to this tolerance for abusive behavior. I get that it can be difficult to modify that behavior, but that doesn't n mean that we should accept it as "normal", even for a child with ASD.

I don't think anyone has suggested that the older sibling's behavior is normal, or that no attempt should be made to modify it.

Why is S2 being let off the hook? This makes no sense.

Cubedemon- I'm assuming it's hard to punish a 10 year old who has just been beaten up by his older brother. And we don't know what the ten year old did to "deserve" being beaten up (sarcasm here). Did he say his brother had a big head? Did he call him stupid? What was it? Certain behaviours do merit modification, but the fact that his big brother has such a strong reaction in and of itself does not indictate that the little brother is doing something "wrong".

YippySkippy - your comment and Adamantium's in particular seem to indicate that the violence could be justifiable. My position is that it cannot be justified, not by almost any action his little brother makes. As parents, our first obligation is to ensure the safety of our children. That includes NT kids! Growing up in a household where violence is common has long-lasting effects, even more so when the attacks are directed towards you! And the solution, in my mind, cannot be "oh, just don't provoke him".