School Verses University

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Just wondering how many other parents have the same experience as we do. My son on school holidays and the difference is huge in his behavior, anxieties levels, meltdowns, tantrums etc.

I find during the school terms huge changes in my son he becomes so challenging and he is always so sad. He is HFA and wants to feel he is at par with his friends and others at school. I have offered him all alternatives to school but he refuses. Academically he is probably succeeds better than most of his friends but a day at school takes so much out him.

On a positive note next September he will entering his last year at mainstream school but he is very young compared to his peers. University is the next step and moving away from home as the nearest is to far to commute every day. I know its a year away and he could make huge advances between now and then. He is maturing but still emotionally he is very young he still needs my support constantly. He does mix with friends from time to time but defiantly not the same as his peers. I tried to encourage him to more Independent but doesn't pan out.

School has been a dreadful experience for him and it feels like I have spend everyday back at school. I have umpteen meetings with the school and at times I felt like the naughty pupil. On a positive he has sat one school exam and next year is his final exam and we have survived.

I have posted on here on many occasions over the years because of all the trails and tribulations of school and how difficult it has been. Just looking for advice on transition from school to college, living away from home and how to prepare him for this huge change in his life. No mum or dad on hand to help him!!

At home his behaviors when he not is school are so different, he is less stress, less agitated, no threats of self harming or at times suicidal tendencies. My worry is will he be able to cope away from home. He wants to go to university, his sister will be going into second year next year. They might not attend the same university as it depends on what course he wants to do and at same time I feel it would be less stress for his sister. They have both been at the same primary and secondary school and I feel she needs to have her space also.

Any one with experience on this would love to hear the outcome and any advice much appreciated.

One a really big positive only a few years ago I didn't know if he was going to make it this far and now to be discussing him going to university is a credit to him. School for him was a war everyday but he has come out victories. I know he has one more year but I am so proud of him.

Are there not any universities/colleges where he could commute to by bus or train? That would solve the problem pronto!

University is easier in many ways as long as you have the executive functioning skills, the adaptive skills and the ability to do the work on deadline without someone providing reminders. (Electronic devices can be helpful for this if he will not be tempted to dismiss the reminders.)

I am in the U.S, so a lot of my observations may not apply to Ireland.

In university, while there is more personal responsibility, it comes with the positive of not having administrators and staff policing nonsense and all the stupid rules of secondary school. You can live in a dorm and eat in the cafeteria and not have to worry about all the concerns you would if you lived on your own. You have to do laundry, and such but not much else in the way of brand new living skills. Living with a roommate can be more difficult. I had a single room, which is a nice option. You can still meet the people on your floor, but have a place to retreat.

Social life is easier b/c you can more easily evade the social hierarchy unlike in secondary school. I don't know if Ireland has frats and sororities, but if it is not your bag, there are usually plenty of independents around to hang with. You may still end up friends with people in the Greek System, but you don't have to pay any mind to which frat is the cool frat, and which one is the dorky frat or any of that nonsense, if you do not want to.

Acdemically, you still will have core classes that may not be of interest, but depending on the school, there are probably less low-interest classes than secondary.

What skills do you think your child lacks that would be issues?

Edited for literacy.

Thanks for your replies, there is no local university, there is other opinions but not where I would like my son to attend. Thanks too all for advice!

University is way better than school. If you want you can only ever take classes on areas of obsessive interest. Except for a few core classes, that is.

One thing to consider is his independent living skills. At my current level of ability, I'm not able to live independently, because I'd forget to eat, can't clean up messes, and struggle with consistently doing activities such as washing dishes or doing laundry or so forth. Basically anything I need to do self-prompted on a regular basis, I will forget to do.

Also, would he be able to handle having a roommate? I know for me the idea of sharing my living space with a stranger freaks me out - when my mom and I shared a room at a hostel I found it very difficult to sleep because I was hyperaware of the other people around.

That sounds like a really good idea.

I wish I had been able to do that. I think my kids will be able to go to relatively near colleges. If they want to live at home and go to more distant schools, we would certainly consider moving to make that easier.

There are some very perceptive Youtube videos about this part of life by a young autistic woman with a PDD NOS diagnosis named Emily Eastes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCGU19VI4Rk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5wnikhphvc

I wish I had managed to get through University. I will do my best to help my kids get through. I am sure that I would have suffered from chronic anxiety and panic attacks regardless, and I also suspect the periodic depression would be there, but I have no doubt at all that looking for work would have been easier with a degree, as would changing careers later in life.

(I'm NT) I went to college (undergraduate) near my parents; home, which let me live there for some of the time to save money. I also didn't mesh well with the social dynamics of my school (most of the students were obsessed with drinking and partying - I was more studious), this worked out nicely though as I was able to maintain friendships with people that I already knew in the area, and didn't feel bound to the social opportunities presented by the school.

I know it would be different for your son, but those advantages are really worthwhile if it works for him. Then again, if he doesn't have any friends who will stay in the area, it may be worthwhile finding a college that has social opportunities that are well-suited for him (if the local ones don't). If his main focus is academics, then a college that speaks to his specific academic interests may be the best bet. So that's a lot of things to consider, but I think the basic dimensions are academic/career and social/daily living; for each of those, I'd emphasize fit. For example, it's probably better for him to be successful at a reasonable school (for his abilities) than bored at a school that isn't challenging, or overwhelmed at a school that has excessive academic demands.

Perhaps taking online classes (make sure they will transfer) might be another option?