In need of advice for Step-Son

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I am newly married with a 12 1/2 year old stepson who I suspect has Asperger's. I won't go into too much detail but he has all of the classic signs. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, however, I know that there is more going on with him than just that. My concern for him is because he is not getting any behavioral or social skills training. My husband said that he knows how to deal with him and that he doesn't need any formal skills training. My concern for him is that he only has one friend, and when he is at our house (we get him for 3 1/2 days a week), he has no one to hang out with and spends most of his time alone. Now that it is summer time, he spends all day on his iTouch playing games and watching videos on the Internet. My husband works from home, and he and his ex feel that the summer camps are too expensive and feel that he is fine being at home. I feel that this is not healthy for him to be on his iTouch all day (I mean ALL DAY) and not having any social interaction or time away from being on electronics. My husband agrees but says that it keeps him busy and doesn't really know what else to do with him. He is not involved in any activities and has no interested in participating in anything. I have tried to get him to try different things that I thought he might be interested in, such as Boy Scouts or karate, but he has absolutely no interest. His pediatrician even recently told his mother that she is concerned that he is not involved in any activities, and his mother just said that he got upset during the dr's visit and argued with the doctor about it.

He also doesn't know how to tie his shoes or how to ride a bike and absolutely refuses to learn. I can understand not wanting to learn to ride a bike if he doesn't have the motor skills, however, I think he should learn how to tie his shoes. He is very smart (is on the honor roll every grading period and is in 2 advanced classes), however, his dad said that he absolutely refuses to learn how to tie his shoes. I guess when he was first learning he couldn't do it and got frustrated, so now he just won't try anymore. So his mother buys shoes that are slip-on or velcro.

I worry that when there are other things that he won't be able to do that he will just give up and not try, which I feel is really sad because he is so smart but also extremely stubborn. He also has one friend and doesn't seem interested in trying to make new friends, which concerns me as he gets older. Any advice or suggestions you can impart to me would be greatly appreciated. I really want to see my step-son succeed in life.

Hi.

If he is on the spectrum, his preferences may be totally different from what you think of as normal. Some things need to be fought and some things don't.

Shoelaces: My son is 8 and won't work on this, either. It has nothing to do with smart/not smart. It has to do with poor fine motor skills, difficulty dealing with frustration, and being sick of getting no traction for lots of effort. Being smart can make it worse b/c they are not used to being bad at things. If his shoes are not considered dorky and making him a target, I would punt this. We are using bungee-type shoelaces that were recommended on this forum. You can do that if he decides he does not like velcro. (I hate velcro b/c it always makes shoes look worn, so we do bungee laces.)

Bike: My son can't do this, either. If my son had more of a social life I would worry about it more. Bicycles are more of a social thing than anything else. There are many different ways to get exercise. I would try to encourage some kind of physical activity, but if his friend doesn't care that he will not ride bikes with him, and it does not embarrass him...meh.

Friends: Sometimes one friend is all one can manage and it might be all he wants. The dynamics in a group are far different from on on one. If he doesn't want more, i don't know how you can force that. My mom used to bug me about making more friends (at various points I had only one, for various reasons) and I thought she was insane.

Working on persistence is really important. As he progresses in life he will cease to be the smartest in the room. Things will get harder and he will need to adapt. You can encourage him to persist in things he really likes and that he, himself, values. Progression will be its own reward if it is something he likes.

Activities: Other people have a very different opinion on this than I do. I was in activities when I was young. Some I joined b/c of my interests others frankly so I could put them on college apps. I do think kids these days are over-scheduled, and for aspies in particular it can be very draining. We often need a lot of downtime to decompress and to think about interests. I would not just list random things he shows no interest in. I would look for things that overlap with special interests. Barring that, a smart kid who wants to go to college may choose to suck it up and join something for his college apps. It would not hurt to mention that colleges care about that. i would not push too hard, though.

Summer: I am a very pro-computer person, but you are right that he needs to so some other things. What are his interests? That will be your best route, even if he is not AS.

It will be tough for you if you are alone in what you think vs. the child himself plus his 2 bio-parents. They have been doing this a long time and may have insight they are not able to clearly explain to someone who is not used to a different way of thinking. On the other hand you have an outside view which can also be useful to people who have been in the day-to-day thing a long time and maybe have trouble looking from your vantage point. The best way to engage is not to come off too critically and not bring up too many changes all at once. It may be easier for them to be receptive.

Edited for syntax

My son is almost 9 and ties his shoes using an odd method his father taught him. He makes the first part of the tie normally, then he makes two loops and ties them together in a knot. It ends up looking almost like a normal tie, and it stays together well. Apparantly that's how his father ties HIS shoes, and he never realized there was anything unusual about it (and I never noticed the difference!). I did try for ages to teach DS the regular way, though.

for his health, he needs some exercise. could the family walk in the neighborhood or park together several times per week?

You sound very caring. I would suggest thinking of it that since you think maybe he has AS, the goal should not be to help him be a normal kid, he won't be, rather to help him be a happy, productive and functional adult. That means pick your priorities, understand the limits imposed by his bio parents, and help him find things he enjoys doing.

A lot of AS kids are very adult centered rather than peer centered. We all grow up to be adults so helping him be social with you, with family is a good place to start. Help him enjoy conversation with you and feel understood for starters.

My advice would be to just try to form a relationship with him, and help him out when he seems to want it.

What kinds of games does he like, by the way? I'm asking because if he likes to play any multiplayer games, those games will help him build social skills. A lot of people assume that playing video games is a solitary activity, but it isn't always, and social skills learnt from video games can be applied to real life.

Don't force him to do anything he doesn't want to, it'll just end up biting you in the back. Do encourage him to try new things however, and see if you can find some way to connect with him. Odds are that he's not going to become a social butterfly, but you know what, there's nothing wrong with that. When I was a lonely, frustrated aspie teen, I tried fitting in with the "NT crowd", and it just ended up backfiring on me.