You Have ASD, Would You Want to Birth a Child?

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Idk. When I was younger I always said I didn't want kids. I still don't. They are hard work. There's no days off! There's a lot to teach them. But honestly, I'm scared of my kid getting ASD. I mean it shows up in 1 and 150 kids--more frequent in males. All it takes is for my partner to have even one recessive gene and it could happen. If I had a child with Autism I would do my best as a father and spouse. But boy it seems scary to me.

Nobody wants to birth a child. Unfortunately for us females, that's the way they arrive.
Seriously, though, I think you meant "raise" rather than "birth" as your post does not seem to be focused on labor and delivery.
Or, is this a conversation about biological children versus adopted children?

People who don't want kids, whether NT or having ASD, should not have them. If you don't want kids, that is OK.

I may not be understanding your question. Are you trying to find out the reasons people (especially ones with ASD) do want kids?

(I had my kid on purpose, and did not know I had AS until my son got diagnosed ---and am unofficially, informally diagnosed per my own self-acknowledgement as well as basically being told that by a member of my son's diagnostic team)

Quite frankly, if you're afraid of facing some of the issues and decisions that come with raising a child than you're not ready for kids, period. As a parent, you always do what's best for your child and every kid has strengths & weaknesses that require effort on your end to ensure they succeed in life. ASD is just a label. They don't have a life threatening illness. I'd be a lot more concerned if my baby didn't have 10 toes, 10 fingers or a healthy heart.

Last edited by Gov on 09 Jun 2014, 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I already have. I think infants are the best. Then it gets harder and more challenging when they are a year old. I can't even keep track of my son in public if I am doing other things because I can't focus on both things at once so how do people do it alone with a toddler and infant? I have considered using a child leash but then he will just scream and cry on it so I don't go anywhere alone with them. Until my son learns to not run around and stay, then I can go out alone with them. It's still hard with him alone but add a baby to it, even harder so I am too nervous to even try it. But with my husband he acts better so it's as if my son knows about me so he takes advantage. Then it gets easier again because then you don't have to worry as much if they are not with you. You will know they won't go too far and won't run off in traffic and all or make messes or do anything they aren't supposed to be doing. My son grabbed a 25 cents cookie after I told him no more or else I would have to pay for it and he took one anyway when my dad and I were not looking and luckily the people at the yard sale who were selling them said he could have it and not worry about it. Not a big deal since it was only a quarter and we had the money but still. We also caught him leaving a yard sale with a toy in his hand and at another one he grabbed this candy set from a yard sale and my dad told him to put it down. You really do have to watch these small creatures because they could do anything and that includes walk off with something without paying for it and they could grab someone else's food too. Hard to do that when you are looking at stuff and pushing a stroller when you leave. I wonder how other parents do it alone or they lucked out with easier kids.

I never minded birthing a child. Just the last one, the contractions were more painful than last time and I went natural unexpectedly and felt nothing as she popped out. But it was really uncomfortable when she was crowning so I pushed her out and tore medium tear. I think that was worth it for the pain. Makes me wonder what happened back in the days when women would tear after giving birth.

What I meant by birthing a child is you creating it. Guy and a girl. Obviously child labor is not fun nobody wants that. I meant, if you're a guy or girl with ASD, would you be somewhat worried about your kid coming out with ASD like you. Knowing how you grew up: the pressures, anxiety, the isolation, etc., I mean even if my kid didn't have ASD I'd still worry about them, but if my kid has ASD I'll admit I'd be afraid. I'll do my best as a father. But I know I cannot push them too much like my mom did me. Idk how she did it. But if it weren't for her I'd be a lot less functioning. Not trying to confuse anyone here.

You know, my kids drive me nuts. Absolutely fackin nuts. Pound-my-head-on-a-wall, rocking-in-the-corner, stay-up-until-two-o'clock-just-so-I-can-perseverate-in-peace nuts.

I love it, and I love them, and I would not, in reality, trade a frustrated, agitated, auditorily overloaded minute of it.

I had three of them pretty cavalierly. If they get it, they get it, no big deal. I lived, diversity in the gene pool, some of my favorite people are autistic.

And then I got run over by mental health care and realized that I could like myself all I wanted. It made no difference-- I would still be, in effect, an unperson in the eyes of some potentially very powerful people.

And it became a HUGE f*****g DEAL. Huge enough for me to contemplate whether my son would be better off dead than living with the label (not the condition-- just the label and all its media generated baggage). Huge enough for me to, at least briefly, contemplate aborting the fourth one when two methods of birth control AND Plan B failed.

I didn't. I'm glad. They tell me (they being the therapist, the pediatrician, and my friends and relatives) that I am a fairly decent mom. Oh, also the kids, at least when they are getting their way.

But, that's me. I have this theory about raising kids-- it is too much trouble, too much work, too much stress, in general TOO MUCH CRAP, to do for any reason other than that it is the deepest desire of your sincere heart. You know-- the thing you want when you are whispering with yourself and you are totally sur ethat no one is watching.

If it ain't that, then don't do it.

If you don't think you would do everything you could to rise to whatever kid you were dealt, then don't do it.

Because you might get autism. Or ADHD. Or cerebral palsy. Or spina bifida. Or a blind kid. Or a deaf one. Or you might get a perfectly normal kid. That develops neuroblastoma at three. Or gets hurt playing peewee football and ends up an intellectually disabled quadriplegic.

Some Hallmark writer said that to have a child is to choose to have part of your heart go walking around forever outside of your body. That is cute, and I guess its true. But it seems trite to me. And like someone is being flip, and light, about all of it. Like that is the understatement of the millenium.

I think kids are awesome whether they are NT or whatever.

No I wasn't worried. I was worried about how I was going to handle being a mom and if I will forget to feed it or not or if it will get enough food. But right when my son came out, all those worries went away. I was so happy to have him it felt like I was dreaming. Then I had my second baby and I didn't feel that way. I was just relieved the whole labor thing was over and no more pain and pregnancy discomforts, I was glad I got rid of her and I don't miss being pregnant like I did last time. I still don't worry about my kids like what they will think of my parenting. Right now my kid loves me and clings to me and likes to be mommy's helper with her sister but unfortunately he is rough so I have to protect her from him. I do try and teach him but he doesn't listen. I don't think he gets it.

I don't think it'd be naturally or scientifically possible for me to birth a child... unless I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Juniour."

But yes, I have always known I wanted to be a father. And I know it will be hard, but I really do want children of my own. I have a very young brother (15 year difference) and it was hard dealing with his energy at times when I wanted/needed to be alone because I can't tell him that... I love him and want to spend time with him so I would sacrifice my recharging time after a long day at school/work to talk and play with him, though completely socially and mentally exhausted.

I think, for me, the benefits of having kids, and the emotional draw, greatly outweigh the negatives of the extra struggle with ASD. I would prefer my child to not have to go through what I did and deal with ASD... But if that happens, so be it. You are the way you are for a reason.

I've talked with my fiancee about this (she's an Aspie too), and she said it doesn't matter to her if we have NT kids or ASD kids. That being said, I've always felt that it would be better to have ASD kids since both of us can relate better. The only real way to guarantee that is by adopting.

As far as why I would intentionally aim for an ASD kid, well, I was one of the lucky ones that turned out fine due to very proactive parents. Most people don't even know or suspect anything's different with me. I drive, have a well-paying job, am fairly stable, pretty much living with my diagnosis in the shadows, waiting for the day it becomes relevant in conversation (which it hasn't yet). Only one coworker knows, and even though she's a psychology major, it took her about a hundred incorrect guesses and several hints before she finally guessed autism, and that was full-well knowing it was near the start of the dictionary. It just makes sense to me -- who else can better raise an ASD kid than an ASD parent? Someone who totally gets everything they do? My bigger concern is what happens if we try the "natural" method, and wind up having an NT kid. What then? Adoption seems much easier than trying natural methods, not to mention you're guaranteed to get the desired outcome, so long as they've been properly diagnosed.

When I was 24, if someone asked me if I wanted children the answer would be absolutely, positively NO.
Once I hit 28, the answer turned into "maybe with the right woman" but probably not in this lifetime.
At 31, my answer is absolutely, positively YES with the right woman of course.

It's hard to understand in your early 20s but your attitude will change over the years. My parents kept telling me but there was no way you could have convinced me at the time. Even as a male I admit I look on with jealously when I see other men and women pushing baby strollers around while I am still single. I'm sure it won't be easy but as my Grandfather once told me before he passed "when I was 21 I had no job and three kids". They all turned out relatively well. I have learned to accept that everything happens for a reason and if I end up with a blind or Autistic child, there is a reason for it. I have overcome more than one "impossible" obstacle in my life that's for sure.

Just to reiterate: there are NO guarantees in parenting - it doesn't matter if you are raising a biological child, or adopted one, or if one dropped from the sky. If you need a guarantee about something, you might consider waiting before becoming a parent.

The problem with expressly picking a child with an ASD so that you're able to relate to them is that kids, even ones on the spectrum, are all human and come with all the frustrating and exhilarating diversity that humanity represents. There isn't really a way to make parenting easier - you just kind of have to jump in and deal with it as it comes. It's hard to explain why doing something that unpredictable is incredibly rewarding, but it is.

That said, if you want to adopt a child because you have a unique set of skills that might be helpful for that child, you might consider that. Just remember - it will wind up being about them and not you, and you're going to have to drastically adapt no matter what.

Children. Do not want.
It's nothing to do with being worried about them having autism. though; I don't want neurotypical children either.

Wow very great insights here people.
I like the analogy pointed out: who better to raise an ASD child than an ASD parent. That gives me a different perspective in some ways. Honestly for right now I don't want kids. Not at all. My mom says I might change though as I get older. But I don't think I well, I'd doubt it.

It reminds me of Forrest Gump. He know that he wasn't a typical man. When he found out Jenny's son was his, first thing he thought about was is he "normal". I would've thought the samw thing. I guess because when it comes to me making another life, I'd start thinking of all the negatives of Autism. Instead of everything else.

I'd love to have a child on the spectrum. Actually, I'm more worried about having an NT child - I'm worried I wouldn't understand them well enough, and not know how to handle them.

When I've spent time with kids, NT kids have sometimes ended up overloading me, but I've never been overloaded by an autistic kid. Even when they're having a meltdown.