Neighbor of Autistic Child - Advice Please

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Hello. First of all I do not have autism and neither do my children, but I have registered on here in the hope of some advice from people in that situation.

We have some neighbors who have a severely autistic child that is left in their garden for hours on end, come rain or shine. She is around 9 or 10 and does not talk but does make a lot of verbal noise, mainly screaming constantly in a high pitched squeal. The noise is such that, even with our windows close, the noise penetrates into our house and we have young babies who are trying to get to sleep from about 7pm. The noise can run from 9am in the morning to 9pm at night on summer days, on and off. During heatwaves we have to choose between having the windows open to cool it down for our babies but the noise keeping them awake, or keeping the windows closed so the noise is less loud but the room too hot. Most the time the child is alone in the garden. So here are my questions:

1) What does this loud constant screaming signify? Is it happiness or distress? Is it something that passes with time or is it forever? I've read it could be "stimming" but not sure if this means the child is happy in the situation or unhappy.
2) Is it normal for an autistic child to be left alone so much?
3) How best could we approach the parents to ask them if they could do something to keep the noise down when we're trying to get our babies to sleep?

I hope people can help and also please do not take this the wrong way - we have been and are being understanding, but would like to understand more about the condition and how to address it without causing problems. It is sensitive but ultimately we have to live here and raise our family and as a parent I will try anything to address obstacles to that.

Last edited by kwcw on 10 Aug 2014, 4:28 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Address "obstacles" ? This child is an obstacle to you trying to raise your family ? How ? Because he stims very loudly and it bothers your family ? How do you plan to address it ? By getting the child to stop ? Well, good luck with that, because I would like to know the secret to doing that, too, as my son is also a very loud vocal stimmer (and completely non-verbal as I write this). Stimming is short for "self-stimulation". Stimming also helps a child self-regulate and calm himself. Alternatively, if the child has no words, then it could be a means of expressing happiness or sadness or frustration. It is a way for him to communicate, even if you deem it as a nuisance.

I am surprised that your friend has been discussing your neighbour's child with you. Not giving a damn about privacy or confidentiality, are they ? Your friend, I mean. If I was the child's parent, I would report your friend to the school authorities and get him or her fired for discussing my child with third parties, even if you were my neighbours who had issues with my child's stimming.

As for whether it is "normal" to have him in the garden or not for extended periods of time, how do you know that the kid does not choose to stay in the garden ? Maybe it is hard for him to stay indoors and this gives him and his parents a break.

You do have a valid option which is to MOVE. Unless and until the child is out in their garden and unattended during "quiet hours" (as dictated by city ordinance and not by your desires) good luck going to the authorities with your complaint.

And, oh, BTW, Karma is a b***h. "Normal" children can become nuisances too, just so you know and take into account before you take any action to deal with this "obstacle" to your parenting.

PS : yes, my post is bitchy, too. But if you were my neighbour and tried to tell me how to parent my severely autistic child so that your "normal" kids could enjoy peace and quiet all day long... Oh, you better not even try !

There is likely nothing the parents can do to get the child to stop the noise. I'm sure it bothers them as much as you and if they had a solution they would already be using it.

I'd suggest buying an air conditioner and closing the windows.

I am sorry to have offended you, I did not mean to cause offence. I am trying to gain greater understanding of the condition and I know it is a terrible situation to cope with. I was just after advice on how to approach the parents about the specific issue of noise around bed time because it causes our babies problems with sleep. Based on your reply that is a no go so I will leave at that, sorry once again.

Read the OP's post endless times now and I can't find a reference to this friend you are accusing of breaking privacy or confidentiality

If the child was my neighbour I would approach the most approachable parent and try find out if there was a reason for the kid being in the garden all day in all weathers and ask wether it's verbalness was an expression of joy or anguish. Their reaction should pretty much give me the info I need wether these parents gave a toss to start with.
I wouldn't bother asking them to keep the noise down though. Not as if the kid would have a volume button

1) The noises could mean a lot of things. I am guessing that it is a stim. Autistic kids can stim when they are understimulated and bored. Autistic children can stim when they are upset to self-calm. They can stim when they are happy and also trying to calm the strong feelings even if they are happy. (Think of a time where maybe you laughed so hard it was uncomfortable, but you are happy.) Strong happy emotional sensations can feel so strong that they need to bring them to a more moderate level. I don't know whether the child is generally happy or not. Autistic children can feel very disconnected, and neurologically out of sorts, but still be happy though maybe in a way you might not readily understand.

2) Some autistic children/adults crave alone time. Some autistic kids can be the opposite and be very clingy, and thrive on close contact with the people close to them. The parents might feel it is important that the child get fresh air. The child may be calmer outside than inside; or yes, the parent may be exhausted and trying to get a break. Ideally the child would be interacting with someone some of the time and learning social skills; but the child may not tolerate it, and/or the family may not be able to afford professional help.

3)Depending on the situation, it may not be a good idea to say anything. If you were told something through the grapevine, the parents may not be thrilled you know their personal business. It sounds like the main issue is from 7pm - 9pm. If you are careful to limit your issue that way, and ask politely, if there is any way their child could be more quiet between those times, without bringing up the autism they might be more accepting.

I say this because the parents are not necessarily going to be receptive, and if they are within the laws of your locality they probably are going to have bigger concerns than pissing off the neighbors. It really depends on the people, though. If you knew more about their personalities, it would be easier to figure out.

Most parents with autistic kids get a lot of criticism from people and unwanted/unhelpful parenting advice. The general population would rather not deal with the disruptions, noise and "oddness" of autistic kids and parents can be acutely aware and resentful of the fact that often their children are obviously unwelcome in public spaces. You definitely want to only approach it from the perspective of noises upsetting your kids' sleep, not from a perspective of giving advice on how the child doesn't sound happy or that you think the child should be doing something other than squealing in the garden all day.

She must have edited the post out after I responded to it, stating that her friend needs to be fired for discussing the child with her. You can see the reference to the friend in my quote of her ORIGINAL post

BTW, did you refer to the child as IT in your post ? italics is mine. IT's verbalness ? REALLY ?

HisMom,

I was wondering what you were referencing, as I did not see the original, either. I referenced the grapevine anyway, b/c I figured I misread the thing. I hate when people edit actual content as opposed to grammar and spelling and such, and do not note it.

Edited to say I went back and read the original as you quoted it. Oy... I hate that people do not respect confidentiality. We had issues with that, and so it is a sore spot for me.

Sorry, you misunderstood so I edited it out. The friend works in a school specifically for autistic children and mentioned it in passing when she saw her outside the house one day. She did not go into the girl's condition but that is how we know she has autism, or else why would she go to an autistic school.

We do hear banging on the walls and screaming sounds through walls from time to time as we are in attached houses. The garden noise is normally worse though especially with open windows. I guess the sound proofing is pretty good. They probably hear a lot of baby screaming too from us.

We have not talked to them about any of it and based on the replies we probably won't, so thanks for the info to take on board.

Yes I did. Because there no trace of a hint in the OP of it being a boy or girl so therefore it becomes an it untill I can assign a sex to it.



You, unlike me, seem to have decided for yourself 'it' is a 'he'.

Sorry, 'it' is a girl, I have edited to clarify.

So, since I don't know your gender, can I refer to you as an IT ?

Yes, I made an assumption, but at least mine did not dehumanize a child. You could have always said s/he if you were so particular about being gender neutral.

What leapt out at me from the OP's post was that this child is left alone in the garden for hours on end, regardless of the weather.

This concerns me, and could suggest that the parents are struggling to cope. When I was a baby, I know that my mother used to leave me in my pram at the bottom of the garden for a while each day because I had colic and she couldn't stop me crying. I'm ok with that, but I do know that when I've told other people they've been horrified and see it as a form of neglect. I don't know how long my mother left me for, probably no more than an hour if that, but this sounds as if the child is being left out all day!

Endless screaming must be extremely difficult to live with, and I kind of feel that the neighbour who has posted here is being treated pretty harshly to be honest. She has come here for information and her own children are obviously going to be her first concern. If I had to live with a child screaming in the garden next door to me for hours on end, I think I might have cracked by now.

I wonder what support, if any, the parents are getting?

And yes, from the quoted original OP - the friend who is a teacher at the child's school is well out of line for telling the neighbour about the child - that information is confidential and I would be seriously unimpressed to the point of making a formal complaint if any of my son's teachers had shared information about him with anyone else.

Edited to add: A fast moving thread and some others have posted while I was typing this so didn't have the chance to take account of your replies.

Your OP clearly stated that this friend of yours is a teacher AT THE CHILD's special school. It does not matter why, but it is still a breach of the child's and the family's privacy. AND I would complain to the school authorities - this woman or man deserves to be fired.

I am not entirely indifferent / unsympathetic, to your situation, because yes, it can get very noisy at times, especially if you have babies in the home. What I was trying to say is that the child (and her parents) probably cannot help it. If they could have found the magic bullet, they would have probably implemented it by now ! I say this because my son has LOUD vocal stimming and there is NOTHING that I can do to stop him. Nor would I try because he is non-verbal and he is stimming for a reason, although he cannot explain what that reason is to anyone else.

I have neighbours, too, and I am sure they get upset with my son's stimming from time-to-time but it isn't as if this is under my control or HIS control. That is all I am trying to say.

Refer to me as you flippin please. Whatever makes you happy darling.

It is not impossible for the neighbor to bring the child in at 7 instead of 9. That would lessen the noise somewhat. It may be something the neighbor would be willing to do, or it may not be.

As far as the weather goes, it may be an issue, but that depends on the severity of weather you are talking about. My parents routinely made us play outside unless it was a bad snow or a thunderstorm or something. I hated it b/c I am an indoor person, but I wouldn't consider it abusive. Light rain and snow, outside we went. That may be coloring my take of it.

I didn't gather that the OP meant it was social services worthy. I mainly took away from it that the OP was concerned about noise and looking for an angle to take.