How to explain the today's workplace to my parents?

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I'm posting this in the Parents' Forum, because I'm looking for suggestions on reaching my target audience: my own parents. Which means people who experienced some form of generational gap. It's not about raising kids or my childhood experiences. If this thread has to get moved, oh well, go ahead.

This is something my parents and I had arguments about for the past 5 years, although I kind of stopped talking about it recently, due to better working conditions I found, their lack of understanding, and simply not wanting to damage the relationship. Although a few years ago, I was working for a company that exploited me so much, that I had to drive myself to the ER one day after work. They used to call me in the middle of the night up to 3 times a week, for stupid computer problems, and I was required to answer my phone or be fired. (I later sued them and won, although the settlement was quite small.) My parents always said that my antipathy is due to my own laziness and lack of passion toward my employer, and that the company is good the way it is. With that said, they supported my decision to sue. Oh well.

Anyway, just how do I explain today's workplace, the office workplace in particular? It's a very harsh, unfriendly place, much like factories were during the Industrial Revolution. Management sees employees as "punchclock riff-raff" that must be corralled and controlled like prisoners. Employees see management as "good-for-nothing sociopaths" that do nothing but sit in meetings all day. People throw each other under the bus on regular basis, for their own advancement, or more likely, to protect their jobs. IT guys are treated as little more than company property. Accountants are pressured to cook the books, so the suits can get their annual bonuses and stock option gains.

I'm well-aware that my parents spent their working years during a much different time period. The time when colleagues were like a second family. When managers were mentors, rather than slave drivers. When different departments watched each other's backs, rather than stabbing each other in the back. When people had time for a short game of cards, rather than running around like headless chickens. The time when you clocked out at 5:00, you were gone until next morning, and no one called you at 3:00 AM for a keyboard they themselves broke. When you picked your vacations based on what you truly enjoy, rather than strategically preventing your employer from reaching you (like going outside the US when you know they won't pay for an international call to your cell phone). In a nutshell, like night and day, compared to today's office.

I now have yet another job, that's nowhere near great, but tolerable enough for now. It's expected to get worse in the future, though. I'm sending out updated resumes, and seeing who bites. And most importantly, I stopped caring about getting fired. I don't slack off; I just refuse to run myself into the ground for someone who doesn't give a damn about me. Jobs come, and jobs go, but you only get one dignity and one health in life. Yes, it's a little sad that my state's unemployment office knows me by name, with the job-hopping I've been doing for the past year, but I prefer that over what I had a few years ago.

So, any suggestions on how I can explain to my parents just how horrible today's workplaces are? Especially considering it's something they never experienced themselves.

Why is it important to you to make them understand?

It seems to me that it might be better to accept that they don't get it, or don't get it as fully as you would like, shrug your shoulders and get on with your life.

I hope that you can find something with better working conditions. While your type of situation does indeed exist, there are many with better working conditions. Every job I have had once I got out of college have been decent places of employment without the things you've stated, and many of my friends have such jobs. My husband has had a few where he hasn't been so lucky, but he's currently in a great position. Again, I hope your search leads to something better.

In terms of telling your parents, as a parent who would be concerned for your working welfare, I'd be sensitive to any hint that you may just be complaining about the realities of work life, because that kind of thing doesn't help you in the long run. So in this case, as a parent I'd rather hear you simply say that while the situation is not ideal, and you are continuing to look for a better situation, your current situation is at least decent and you're giving your current situation your best effort.

I wouldn't try to convince your parents. They don't need to be included in your decision making about your workplace. I would keep any conversation about work brief -- if they ask, you can say something like, "This company is better that XYX was, but I'm open to switching if something better comes along," and then change the subject.

I found this book very helpful:
I Don't Know What I Want, But I Know It's Not This: A Step-by-Step Guide to Finding Gratifying Work by Julie Jansen (Jan 28, 2003)

The author helps you analyse what was good and bad about of each of the previous jobs you've had. It helped me to figure out that I didn't hate software, and that I would be much happier as a contractor than a direct employee.

ditto

You're generalizing, cut it out.

If you told your parents everything you told us and they STILL think you're lazy, then there's no getting through to them. Maybe they just have a higher tolerance for injustice on the job because their jobs were just as bad as yours and they think it's normal. or maybe they think anything you say to them is unreliable or exaggerated because of that time in 4th grade when you said your teacher hates you and wants to kill you. Either way, "You should be grateful you have a job" is always going to be their go-to line.

Aspie1,

I think you are probably making more of a contrast between then and now than there really is. The past was not some wonderful time when everyone in the workplace respected each other and employers and employees treated each other with fairness and kindness. Yes, in general people don't work at the same place as long, there is more turn-over and technology allows the double-edged sword of constant communication. That said, depending on ones profession, one did not necessarily work 9-5, in the past, either,either. There were less workplace protections then, depending on how far back you want to go. Some current workplaces are more pleasant than others, and not all IT positions are on-call, though many are. I have family members in IT and they have had both types of positions, as well as positions that were on-call occasionally.

Regardless, it doesn't matter because from how you describe your parents, I don't think it is healthy to seek their validation. I understand that you have an emotional void, but seeking something you will not get, is counterproductive. You will just reinforce these feelings every time you try and fail to get them to understand your position.

There is nothing wrong with prioritizing other things over your job. If your parents don't agree, they don't agree. There is nothing to be gained by revisiting it.

For the most part, I made peace with my parents' beliefs. I was looking mainly for way to explain to them just how horrible today's workplaces are. (Hey, one of them sent me to the ER! That's saying something.) You know, for situations when my parents ask me "how's work?", and my voice and body language just gives it away. After the wringer I've been put through, I pretty much became numb, in a "thousand-yard stare" kind of way, toward being exploited by management, and have no problem with getting myself fired, just to get a break from work. Because management and HR are not my friends (just each other's FWB's, in a figurative way), and the only person in the workplace I can trust is me. I'm 100% certain that this was not the case when the Baby Boomer generation was in their young working years.

Either way, if I don't get fired, I'm planning to use my current employer like a Black & Decker screwdriver. I'll work in IT for as long as necessary. In the process, I'll pretty much spy on other departments to find which one is the easiest one to work in, and brown-nose that department's managers. Then I'll just apply for a transfer, take on the new position, and never work in IT again for the rest of my life. And I'm sure my parents will be happy I found an easy, decent-paid position that doesn't cause me to fight with them every time we talk about work.

OK. I understand what you want, now. If they ask how work is, I would say, "Same as always." It isn't a lie, and it does not encourage further conversation. If they persist, just change the subject. The less information you give them, the less opportunity they have to grill you. That is what I do when family or others ask questions that would take me down a sink hole I would rather not visit.

Edited for excessive commas.

I hear where you're coming from, Aspie1. My dad worked at a time when companies were stable - they weren't constantly going bankrupt, downsizing, or moving offshore. He had the same job his entire life. His health insurance had no co-pays, no deductibles, and he paid nothing toward it. His job only required a high school diploma (I'm not even sure it required that). He had 3-4 weeks of paid vacation a year. He and my mother were able to pay off their house by the time my father was 32.
My parents never understand when younger people have financial difficulties. They believe everyone's problems are caused by laziness or not being responsible with their money. They refused to help my brother out when he lost his job due to his employer moving to Mexico, even though they're well able. They think it's reasonable to turn a child out of the house as soon as they turn 18, which led me to jump into an early, abusive marriage.
I doubt there's anything you can do to change your parents' perceptions, and I agree that it's better to just stop talking to them about your work. I completely sympathize with your situation, though. I think a lot of people in our generation are having a similar experience with their parents.

Hi aspie1,

I agree with Asdmommy that the past did not have better working conditions and life wasn't perfect. I also agree that it doesn't matter what your parents think. What matters is your livelihood and ability to support yourself and be happy. The difference between today's workplace and what it was in the past is the change in the economy. Today some IT jobs are replaceable and some are not. The ones that have been outsourced aren't valued. I was in a similar situation in the financial industry working 60-70 hrs a week for low pay. It took me 2 years to find another job while working. I then went back to school in a very specialized field. Now since this field is more specialized and in demand I get paid more, treated better and work less. You should consider getting back to school or doing some training. You need to find something that you can do that's in high demand. It's very difficult but in the us there is a lot of opportunity. Stay positive don't quit but look to get out.

What worries me here isn't whether you are right or you are wrong, but that you are creating this idea in your head that it will always be the same and there is no way out of that. Once you do that, you are doomed to have the same patterns repeat; it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

ASDMommy is right, there has ALWAYS been better and worse. The trick has ALWAYS been to find the right match for you, as an individual. That is certainly much more difficult given your ASD, but I don't want to believe it is impossible.

If you love your job and like/respect your boss, you will be able to deal with middle of the night emergencies. It really is that simple. My son, who freaks out when his school workload gets too deep, worked three weeks straight this summer, no days off, including 9 days in a row of 14 hour days, and loved every minute of it, because he believed in the value of what he was going, and the team he was doing it with.

So, to me, that is what you are missing the most: believing in the value of what you are doing and the team you are doing it with.

I am a CPA and I know very well the pressure you have spoken of in your post, but that existed when I started 30 years ago, too; I've just managed to stay clear of jobs where someone expects that of me. I can tell in interviews what kind of company I'm talking to and what they care about. If we don't share goals and values, I will look elsewhere. I do know that it all goes in waves: it gets better, it gets worse, then it gets better again. It always will. You can't change that, you can only change how you deal with it.

I definitely disagree with your parents suggesting you are lazy. That has nothing to do with it. You can only deal with what you can deal with, and it does no one any good when a job makes you sick.

But you need to get a better handle on how to make that all fit into a workplace so you and your employer both get what you need most. If that means you should go independent and accept a limited number of contracts, do that.

Tech is an odd field right now with a really abused "pay your dues" and "be an underpaid intern" employment base in many segments, but still overall short on qualified labor and rising incomes on the upper ends. You can get rich with stock options, or be tied to a company that will fail in a millisecond. People have long let companies get away with poor pay and poor conditions because if it takes off, you are supposed to get a share of the wealth. Well, that works for a few, but not for most. One of my clients just saw their entire market dry up and will probably close.

But none of that means that EVERY "modern" workplace is the same. They aren't. There is always a way around the mess, a way to find something more suitable. But as long as you believe it isn't possible, it won't be possible. Potential employers can spot that negative attitude in an interview in an instance, and it makes them less inclined to hire you - unless they have limited other options. If you can erase the attitude, you will have a broader choice of businesses to work for and will increase the likelihood of ending up in a "good" one.

So fix the attitude. I know that isn't easy, but you have to.

It won't always be the same. The workplace will change if the Second American Revolution actually happens. But most people are too afraid to make changes at grass roots level, so that's highly unlikely. The organized drive that once gave us women's suffrage and civil rights for minorities is all but gone. Plus, the 1%-ers, the office management, the police, and the congress members will squelch any attempts at the very beginning, by harnessing some obscure laws for their own benefit, like it happened with Occupy Wall Street. They benefit from women voting, minorities working, and gays marrying; they don't benefit from workers having rights. Just look at all the union-busting. So... yeah... in the meantime, we have what we have. If Winston Smith in "1984" can "fix the attitude" and love Big Brother, I can learn to love the modern workplace.

Like I said, it's not all doom-and-gloom. I'm working on getting out of IT/tech, and I'm planning to use my current employer for that. Of course, I'll have to resort to doing what goes against my ethics: brown-nosing. But I'll brown-nose every manager I have to, if it means finally getting out of IT. My nose will get clean over time, but my health wasted on working in IT will never return. So I'll have to put my moral aside, which I never thought I'd have to do in a million years, until now. All's fair in love and war, right? Because in today's workplace, brown-nosing displaced hard work and dedication, as far as promotions are concerned.

So there's my course of action. Or as an alternative, I'll let them spend time and money on training me, learn the technologies the company uses (which are fairly standard among industries), then quit for a new job. Heck, I already learned a lot about programming VLAN's on network switches, which another company will love. Sure, they get a return on the wages they pay me (otherwise they'd fire me by now), but least their costs of training me will have gone to waste. No different than an inmate clogging toilets, breaking chairs, and damaging TV's, just to stick to The Man by trying to raise the costs of keeping him.

As a parent, I have to admit, I have a love-hate relationship with what I think of as Aspie moral codes, given that my son has a very strong one, too, in the same way you seem to.

I love them when it comes to important values; it really is a beautiful thing. But when they get applied to things that, long run, can't do any harm to anyone if broken, but allow you to fail when upheld, I don't understand it. I still admire the desire to stick to the code, but it is frustrating to see someone allow themselves to fail simply for feeling something insignificant (to me) breaks it. But, heck, we could spend DAYS debating some of those personal moral code elements and if they really are broken if you do action A, and I can't do that here. I'll save that for my son

ANYWAY.

I do want to make a point: when I said "it won't always be that way," I did not mean the entire world has to change. I meant that right now there are different employers who do things differently. The difficulty is, of course, finding them. But there is no universal way of doing business or treating employees. There are ALWAYS employers who buck the trends. I've spent my entire career finding employers that operate in ways I can respect, and avoiding opportunities with employers that won't treat me the way I feel I should be treated. I'm far from a standard part in any job, but after my first two jobs I've always been able to find a job that suits me and treats me well. I have a lot of respect in my field, from my employers, and from my clients. There is no reason you can't, too, but you do have to change your outlook.

Heck, I could have wallowed in negativity after my first job went south, and after encountering the idiots at my second, but I choose not to. I choose to find a better employer. And I succeeded. I've never looked back; I know what I want in an employer and how to find it. The only barrier to you doing the same is your belief that it doesn't exist. I truly, 100% believe that.

Why not work at a non-profit if you hate corporations so much?

Why not work at a non-profit if you hate corporations so much?