How to balance bipolar autistic with defiant younger sibling

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I am a stay at home dad with have two sons. I'm married but my wife has a career that keeps her away from home most of the time and leaves her drained for when she is home. Our older son is autistic and mentally ret*d (per school psychologist eval) and has had violent outbursts since the time his younger brother was an infant. When baby brother began crawling big brother began to get aggressive and bite him. That was when we started big brother on medications but the problem was far from solved.

As time wore on older brother received more and more attention from us, usually intervening when he would stim or have a meltdown. Little brother has received lots of love and praise but his needs have always been pushed aside whenever his older brother is around - especially if there was only one caretaker around or we were having a therapy session. At first we tried to integrate little brother into these sessions but he became competitive with his brother and it would result in our ASD son having meltdowns out of frustration but little brother would not back down.

We thought it was just a sibling rivalry thing with our younger son but when we put him in preschool though he learned things easily and got along with his peers he still had trouble listening and following instructions.

As he's entered elementary school he's had frequent bouts of defiance that were severe enough to require that he have an IEP. It's not so much that he has a cognitive disability or even an inability to behave socially inasmuch as he just gets easily carried away with things, whether it be bouts of silliness or defiance or just wanting to keep doing what he likes. He's actually near the top of his class, having to be shown something only once most of the time. He claims to have a "best friend" who (along with most of his friends) really enjoy his outgoing nature. He also has a "girl friend" (whom he's been disciplined in school for kissing on the lips at recess and on the hand during class) and the little girl also thinks of him as a really good friend.

To be fair to our older son, his cognitive abilities are coming along. He is nonverbal with an inability to express more than his basic desires or comprehend abstract concepts such as time and duration but he understands what we say to him and responds well to directions. He also seeks out peer and adult interaction and has always made great eye contact and appears to be able to read others' emotions. His brother also seems to enjoy playing with him though the two can get carried away sometimes.

Meanwhile, While school has gotten complicated for our younger son now it's become unbearable at home. After years of accepting our older son's diagnosis and being counseled to expect a lifetime of dependence for basic life skills as well as learning hope to attend to behavioral crises (throwng items in frustration, bolting away from home or caregivers, self injury, etc.) we're actually having the most difficulty in managing our younger son's day to day behaviors.

We're already getting family based therapy for this but they advise me to be firmer with our younger son and that he has all the earmarks of ADHD. It sounds great on paper but the therapists are not parents themselves so logistically I'm not so sure. I'd love to hear what any of you would suggest because putting my foot down with my younger son has often caused a defiant backlash in my younger son and precipitated a tantrum from my older son. It's happened before.

I don't understand. ADHD is as neurologically based as ASD is. The therapists for your ASD son surely know that if son with ADHD sees son with ASD being supported for legitimate deficits that correlate with behavioral issues he will expect the same. And be angry and defiant when that does not happen.

It may be helpful to be clearer, rather than firmer, about what you want and getting his attention before asking.

But it is just as unfair and just as useless to yell at a child with ADHD for ADHD behavior as it is a child with ASD. Both need adult help to progress.

If you like to read maybe try Ross Greene for ideas about collaborating with defiant kids instead of fighting. And maybe ask for specifics or a referral from the providers, when they say to be firmer they may mean something different than what it seems. At least I really hope so.

Also as son with ADHD has seen his brother be given attention when he melts down he needs to see an equally powerful alternative to be worth changing his behavior. And you being firmer will not do that. If I tried, would likely lead to two kids AND a grown up melting down simultaneously.

My son, diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, does well with the kinds of behavioral interventions designed for kids with ADHD, and one of them is the one Waterfalls describes.

I find ADDitude Mag a great resource for learning new behavior tools (though it bears watching with a critical eye, sometimes their advice is better than others.)

I wish you all the best; do keep in mind that you are in an extremely difficult situation and give yourself a break. I think SAH Dads are even more prone to Supermom syndrome because you have to manage all the "Mom" stuff as well as all the gender bias stuff. Make sure you are accessing as much outside support as you can manage: see if you can get respite care, or household help, or anything that will make it easier on you. You'll have an easier time dealing with your kid's issues if you have support yourself. Good luck, and hang in there!