Asperger's and pornography

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My son has Asperger's and is 14. We have internet filters through our router but one week it stopped working. After I got it up and running again I checked the stats. My son had been searching for gay porn. Now I don't want to get into the gay/straight argument only to say that I think my son has enough challenges with Asperger's. I don't want him to have any more difficult of a life and these days I know that it is hard for many who are gay.

I have heard that porn addictions are common for kids with ASD. Or that it can become part of their special interest. Is this true? Does anyone else have some insight on this? The things he was looking up was very xxx. Even after I confronted him a month ago he is back to it searching again, even though he is blocked every time (hopefully)!

Getting him to stop looking for porn, is probably futile, unless you let him know you can track his searches, and he gets embarrassed. Depending on exactly what his aspie tendencies are, it is possible he won't get embarrassed even if you bring it up, again. I am not sure you want him embarrassed, anyway, b/c then he won't talk to you about things. Even then, he will probably just do his searches elsewhere. I would think you'd probably rather he search at home, and not find anything too xxx.

I am not sure if that answers anything. I don't have much insight other than having been friends with boys as a young person and having male friends as an adult. They weren't looking for gay porn (to my knowledge) but I would assume the same general principles would apply as far as not being easily deterred from looking for porn.

I don't know that you can change his sexuality. If he has homosexual tendencies, as difficult as it is going to be for you to digest it, it is not going to be possible for you (or for anyone else) to change his orientation. It is who he is, unfortunately.

I don't know that you can also successfully "stop" him from looking at porn. Teens are a devious lot, and if he cannot get access at home, he is going to find other ways of getting it. If he does not care that you are aware of his activities, then shaming him into quitting won't work. I don't have any good answer for you unfortunately, except that this may be a "passing" phase. Teens being teens, he may actually be showing his "authority" by going against your express forbiddings that he quit doing X, Y or Z.

Although this seems counter intuitive, ignoring his searches and acting like it doesn't bother you may actually help him get him over this obsession, especially if he is doing this just to annoy you or to challenge your authority over him.

I feel like there was an almost identical post a few weeks ago...maybe worth taking a look.

A teenage boy looking for porn obsessively is very normal, so I don't think "porn addiction" makes much sense here. I agree with ASDMommy here, you won't be able to stop him from being interested in it. It may be worth thinking about what your goal is here...Is there something specific that you are trying to protect him from? If it's specific types of porn, it may be possible to negotiate some rules with him, so he gets limited access, but you can control what types he pursues somewhat (i.e. only softcore). It is definitely worth talking about the exploitation that often happens in porn, so that he can be aware of that. It is natural for a 15 year old to be interested in people of the same age, but he needs to understand that looking for underage porn is both immoral, because it represents exploitation, and illegal. Another important issue to discuss is that porn is not an accurate representation of real sex, and should not be used as a script for the behaviors that lead up to sex, or what to do during sex. This sort of message may be especially important for kids with ASDs.0

It won't be possible for you to dissuade him from being gay if he is. Porn doesn't make people gay either. Being gay comes first, and it drives people's interests. If your son is gay (and it's possible he's not, and is just curious, or maybe he's bi). In either case, it seems like the reason you're concerned about this possibility is that you know that it can be a difficult life to lead. It's true that gay people have higher rates of anxiety and suicide. So it makes sense that you'd want to protect him from those things. The important thing to remember is that the reason for those issues is the social difficulties that surround being gay in this society. The negative judgments, and non-acceptance that gay people experience from peers and parents is what hurts them. So, you won't be able to protect him from those things by dissuading him from being gay. If you try to do that, you'll only wind up being part of the problem - one more force of non-acceptance. So the best thing you can do is show him that you love him and accept him no-matter what. It may be worth having a conversation about the fact that you will accept him no-matter what. It is also a good idea to let kids come out at their own pace, so during such conversations make it clear that you are open to whatever possibility, but don't pressure him to tell you his sexual orientation unless he chooses to.

As ASDMommy said, the best favor that you can do for your son as he becomes an adult is being a resource that he can come to for advice and help. He won't do those things if he is concerned about your judgment or anger or punishments. It would be a shame if he had to navigate the difficult world of romantic relationships completely alone.

He's 14. The entire world is porn to him, and besides, he's trying to learn. Just make sure he has someone to talk to and that he's got good real sources about sex, het and gay. (And everything else.) And please don't try to steer his sexuality or freak about "porn addictions". It'll calm down when he's around 30. Ask your husband.

It's not at all unusual for those on the spectrum to be sexually hard to define, for the same reasons we don't often sort nicely into social groups.

I've been hearing that Andrew Solomon's Far From the Tree is a good resource for parents in your situation, btw.

Oh, and -- this is important -- *make sure he knows about lube and toy safety*. Because you can be sure he's experimenting, too, or close to it, and God only knows what he's going to try to stick up his ass and how far, just to try it out. Anal fissures are not trivial things, and you really do not want to have to drive him to the ER with mystery object stuck in him. Actually, if I were you, I'd buy a Dan Savage book and leave it on his bed, because Dan's very straight-up about things like that. (Please throw ideas about "giving permission" out the window; he's going to do what he's going to do. Just keep him safe and healthy.)

I had a porn addiction to erotic literature that started in my mid teens. It started out as a curiosity of what is this sex stuff and romance and going out stuff that people my age keep talking about.

I even saw evidence that people would put out to say porn is addictive, but I thought I had it under control. I did not, it eventually consumed my reading list, and instead of reading books with complex sentences and situations and thoughts, I was looking for my next high. And it escalated, so that it took more and more details, or situations to keep my interest.

For a time it corrupted my view of healthy sexuality and interactions with others in a healthy romantic way. I tried to get out several times. I am currently free (for the past 2is years), but it is still something I have be conscious of it, especially as I am getting married in June and want to have a vital, exciting, fun sex life with my husband alone, and porn is well documented to interfere with this.

Some Tedx Talks on the subject about porn addiction and the problems with it.
Great Porn Experiment (science of how it is addiction and how it interferes with sex)
Why I Stopped Watching Porn (this one is very blunt with language)

And one TedTalk
The Demise of Guys

Talk to your son about the dangers of porn, and please help him to find info regarding his curiosity about sex, by talking with open info about sex without going to porn. Be-aware that he can also get porn outside your house if he is savvy. There are always work around sites etc as the porn industry wants it to be available around filter to addict people.

Porn is not about healthy sex.

This thread had become derailed by an increasingly acrimonious argument over a misunderstanding and the related posts have now been removed, with the intention of getting it back on topic.

I have not seen anything to suggest that "addiction" to porn is more common for kids with ASD. An interest in sex and visual depictions of sex is common to the members of our species as a whole. The issue of porn being part of a special interest is sometimes a problem, because of the intensity of focus and blindness to related issues. In extreme cases, this can result in serious consequences for the person with the interest, including physical danger and criminal liability. But "special interest" is a different thing than "addiction" and it isn't helpful to confuse things by blending those terms. One is hyperfocus, the other is intense avoidance of other problems to a pathological degree.

Teaching your son about sexuality may be complicated by his ASD. You may also find that your own cultural expectations and limitations create challenges for you in approaching this topic and these aspects of his being.


The word "confront" is troubling here. What was the nature of this confrontation? Are you telling him that his sexual interests are wrong? Or the porn itself is wrong? What do you see as the problem here? Is he being indiscreet about it? You may have to give him so ground rules about what is and is not appropriate in different contexts. What do you fear is happening?

Good luck with navigating all this, it can't be an easy prospect from your position.

We don't check our son's search history (even though we tell him we have the right to, and he has offered it to us), so while I don't think he does porn (just not his personality, and he has complained to me in the past about friends wanting to while at our house) I can't say that with absolute certainty, so .... that is my qualifier for this post, saying I have an opinion but no experience or knowledge, since my son doesn't seem to have "issues" in this area (to my relief). Still, I've long been mentally prepared for the possibility.

It is totally normal for teenage boys to need to explore their sexuality and gain information on it, and as a parent you need to make sure they have an outlet for that, hopefully one that is "safe" and "age appropriate." I agree that the internet isn't going to be the best place, but at the same time better than going too far seeking experiences in real life. I guess the question I have is if your son has a safe and appropriate place to talk about these things. Does he have friends he can talk to? Anyone? What kind of relationship does he have with his father? He isn't going to talk to you about it (way too awkward for boys that age), so he needs SOMETHING. The worst of all worlds is forcing his thoughts and curiosity to fester in solitude, without any guidance from anyone, because fester they will, until they lead to some extreme action.

Basically, you have some choices to make. How can you set parameters that allow him to consider these questions and issues within a context that is safe and yet effective? Who can he talk to that he may actually be comfortable with, who won't judge but who can also provide guidance? What you cannot do successfully is just block it and tell him "no;" he needs to explore and learn in some way.

You should probably explain the nature of porn to him, since he's seen it. Explain that much of it is fantasy, and exaggerated, and that it doesn't represent what real sex is like or how relationships work.
You could also have a discussion with him about romantic love. You don't need to discuss whether he likes boys or girls (if you don't want to) in order to explain the kinds of feelings he might develop for another person, and to convey what you feel is and isn't appropriate for someone his age in terms of expressing those feelings. I assume you don't want him to be sexually active at 14, regardless of his orientation.

Being 'queer' is very common for aspie teens in general so I am not surprised that your son is looking for gay porn. I did the same thing when I was his age and while I do not think it is harmful behaviour per se, I do think that it's worth pointing out that porn has a 18-year age limit for a reason. It is a habit worth addressing. Too many young men end up depending so much on their pornography that they are unable to get aroused or maintain an erection during regular intercourse.

Also, being somewhat aware of how the gay scene works, there is always the risk that in these days of porn sites that double as social networking sites (yes, it is absurd), he will get in touch with people who might want to take the fantasies into reality.

If this is his outlet for an undefined sexual interest in the same sex, perhaps it would be better for him to join some type of lgbtq society at school or something of that nature? This applies to all gay youth who keep their sexuality to themselves and only give outlet to it through porn or random sexual encounters with other men; thus it is even more important for autistic queer (I prefer the term over 'gay' as it is inherently ambiguous) youth to develop a 'real life' relation to their sexuality. Autism is lonely enough as it is, having attraction to the same sex just adds to it.

I am not aware if there are any strictly youth oriented online communities for lgbtq-youth where they can chat without adult influence? Perhaps if he got to interact with other teenage boys in his position (in real life or online), he would see that there is more to it than just sex; there is also community and solidarity stemming from a shared experience of being different.

You weren't clear (enough for my standards, anyway), so I have to ask: was he searching for "gay porn" (that exact phrase) or searching for something that you interpreted to be a search for gay porn?

I ask because there's a significant difference between the two, and the latter could instead be a search for something picked up from a pop culture reference or a curiosity in the field of biology/anatomy. It could also be a search for definitions of terms, etc. as a way to learn what things mean or better attempt to fit in with a certain crowd at school or something to that effect.

Naturally you know your son better than I do, but without the ability to read minds, even that which you believe is a clear cut, 100% case of your son attempting to view pornography could easily be something else, especially at that age.

Getting info & resources online about sex ed can be tricky. Here are some I've found in the past:

http://autism.outreach.psu.edu/sites/om ... npart1.pdf
http://autism.outreach.psu.edu/sites/om ... npart2.pdf

http://appnew.outreach.psu.edu/programs ... tation.pdf

http://www.kingcounty.gov/healthservice ... ation.aspx

http://www.educationscotland.gov.uk/res ... 587661.asp

http://www.asid.asn.au/Portals/0/Confer ... viours.pdf

http://autism.outreach.psu.edu/sites/om ... tation.pdf

http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/ ... ntext/1358

when it comes to a 14 year-old boy. A 14 year-old looking at gay porn could likely only be curious which is common at such an age. If he is gay then there is no more you can do to change that than if he is straight. Any parent that does not want their aspie child or any child to suffer more than they do already certainly does not want to truly permanently maim their child and create a terrible rift by making them feel that there is something else wrong with them - something that their trusted parents cannot accept like their sexual orientation. They are facing enough confusion already - no caring parent should make it worse by trying to force them to be something they are not and never will be.

Last edited by r2d2 on 19 Jul 2014, 4:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you suspect your son is gay and its something you're worried about then maybe it'd help you to get some more experience yourself of gay people so that you can steer your son towards healthy role models and help him see that gay identity isnt limited to "the scene" or dodgy porn. For example theres a canadian guy who blogs online whos very well regarded in his career field (advocacy work with people with intellectual disabilities, including with LFA people) and whos recently celebrated his 45th anniversary with his male life partner. Gay people can have that kind of life so worrying that being gay will add to your sons problems isnt necessary as long as hes got support and healthy role models. The blogging guys name is Dave Hingsburger and hes also written some stuff about talking to ID and neuro-different people about sex,sexuality,relationships,safety etc that you could possibly find online or email him to ask about.