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DS, who is nine, was diagnosed with HFA (probably Asperger's) about six months ago. This was no surprise to me, as I'd suspected it for years and was only unsure whether pursuing a diagnosis would benefit him or not. As he became older, it became clear that he needed assistance and, therefore, a diagnosis.
My daughter, four, is now showing a few behaviors that are troubling me. On the one hand, I worry that I'm imagining/exaggerating these symptoms because of her brother being on the spectrum. And, she is much much easier to live with than DS was at her age (her organizational skills are better than his are right now, for example). On the other hand, I know ASD presents differently in girls than in boys.
So here's what's bothering me:
1 It's really difficult for teachers and coaches to get her attention. They have to call her name several times before she notices. She's usually the last child to join a circle.
2 She tends to wander off during sports practice. When she's redirected, though, she happily rejoins the group.
3 She doesn't know the names of any of the other children with whom she attends activities. Some of the children she has been seeing for a year.

How worried do you all think I should be? I don't have much (ok any) experience with NT children, so is any of this behavior typical for a four-year-old? Am I being hypervigilant?

I would be moderately concerned, especially about #3, and keep an eye on things. #1 and #2 might be "just" ADHD. I have twin girls who are 4.5. I don't see the first two happening with either of them. They both could name several people from their preschool class within the first month, but I haven't heard them mention names from ballet class yet (which has only been 2 sessions.)

How often does she see these kids? How often are the coaches actually using the kids names? In an organized sport, maybe there's not much chance to interact and learn names?

I get the vigilance. One of my girls is a social butterfly who I suspect has dyslexia and possibly ADHD (she's very high energy and emotionally volatile, yet very organized, so I'm not sure). The other is more reserved and has an intense interest in Minecraft and occasional bouts of inflexibility that remind me of her brother -- but not enough to warrant an evaluation. They both have imaginary and social play that is years ahead of where big brother was at this age.

How are fine motor, imaginary play, and friendships going?

It is hard to say, but possible. Is she by chance faceblind? I am faceblind although worse as a child, and my son is faceblind. It correlates with ASD and could be an additional reason why it might be hard to know who is who.

Just a thought. I am not trying to make you worry, more, honest. It is just that it is a relatively rare thing and no one would have noticed it in my son, if I hadn't been aware of it.

#1 and #2 could be ADD/ADHD. Both my boys can be like that (both ADHD, one also ASD). But I can't explain #3, except if maybe she's just not paying attention to names.

#3 is the only real red flag I see. I am faceblind; until I was old enough to learn tricks like remembering hairstyles, remembering voices, identifying people by clothing choices, or memorizing the seating chart, it took me more than a year to learn the names of my classmates (not that I actually cared all that much anyway-- most of them were just mean, scary people I had no desire to talk to).

I don't know how much I would really worry if it's not presenting a functional impairment at this time-- it's sort of like you said, you didn't see the point in getting your son a Dx until he needed supports. One ASD kid in the family ALWAYS means you need to be extra-vigilant (I'm extra-vigilant because of me, even though none of the kids have turned out to have it so far).

What will you accomplish by worrying?? If you're more sure, is it going to mean getting services sooner in the hopes of a better prognosis?? If not, it's time to watch, but not time to worry.

Hmmmm. How could they have found mine before middle school??

--Faceblind, as aforesaid. I think you CAN have faceblindness without ASD, but they usually run together.

--Eye contact, unusual or lacking (I did make eye contact, but it was fleeting and clearly uncomfortable)

--Tendency to monologue

--Strong preference for playing alone, to the exclusion of playing with other kids, on a frequent basis

--Need for only a few friends (I think I was happy with 2 or 3, and NEVER wanted to play with more than one at a time)

--Unwillingness to join or participate in groups (won't work in groups in preschool, does not want to play with groups of children)

--Unusually long attention span for age level, content to do the same thing for hours on end (watching TV or playing video/computer games doesn't count)

--Usual speaking voice makes people want to choke her (unless I'm very careful, I have this horrible nasal twang that cannot be accounted for by where I grew up)

--Strong desire to control the play when playing with another friend; OTOH, a very strong tendency to do whatever a friend tells her (one or the other, lacking in balance between the poles)

--Aspie girls will "play pretend," but I know I tended to spend huge amounts of time "setting the stage" relative to the time I spent actually playing. Most of the fun in "playing house" was in setting up the room to be the playhouse; when I finally did get around to playing, I would talk ABOUT what was going on instead of acting it out ("My baby is sick. I'm going to take her to the doctor." versus "Oh, baby, you're sick!" <act out talking to the doctor>).

I don't like the word "worried," because overall, whether or not she is diagnosable, it sounds like she is doing fine.

My son's ASD started to become apparent in Kindergarten, even if I had no idea ASD was the issue. We did not get a diagnosis until 2nd grade, and that timing was fine for us.

You will know as she gets older if something is off; a lot can show up once formal schooling starts, and the other children make developmental leaps your child may not.

At this age, the most important thing to do is treat her as a unique individual and parent her in the way she seems to need to be parented. Don't let other people talk you into assumptions about her; use your own instincts.

Be sure to keep her needs current in your mind, in addition to your younger son's. It will be tempting to think that he is ASD and, thus, needs more of your attention. But you don't at this point have a way of knowing that her needs are just as strong, just displayed differently. So, remember to pay attention to her, to figure out what makes her tick. Not a small order, I know.

She hasn't known the sports kids very long, so I wouldn't really expect her to know their names. I'm more concerned that she doesn't know the names of the kids in her church group, as she has been seeing some of them once a week for about a year. Again, I wouldn't expect her to know ALL their names, but she can't name even one child.



Her motor skills, both gross and fine, seem to be fine. In fact, she's quite athletic and good at hitting/kicking balls. She sometimes engages in imaginary play with her toy kitchen, but she does not play with dolls. She seems to like other children, but doesn't prefer the company of one over the company of any other. She doesn't seem to recognize or make a distinction between children she's met before and children who are new to her.

This is also possible. She has a very hard time finding me amongst other parents. I have to wave my hands and call her name, even though I can see that she is searching for me.

There are two things I'm considering.
1 Whether to mention what I'm noticing to my husband, who will probably take it very badly.
2 Whether to ask for an evaluation by her school district when she starts school next year.

I think it would be hard on you to be concerned about something and not mention it to your spouse. If you think it will go better, you could mention the specific concerns without mentioning ASD specifically, and see how the conversation goes.

As far as the school goes, what help do you think they would realistically give her? If she is faceblind, that is a potential safety issue and I would want them to know about that possibility at they very least to prevent the possibility of her going off with the wrong person. As far as anything else goes, based on the experiences you've had with the school and her brother, do you think they would help her keep with the group, learn names, or be more aware to listen for her name?

We never got any concrete help for any of that, other than situationally on assembly and field daysso they would not be disrupted if he didn't come when his name was called.. It was mainly just that they were aware and knew not to penalize our child for that kind of thing. If you don't think she currently has any issues that they would help with, there may not be a point right now, and maybe just keep an eye on it. If you think she could get some benefits it might be worth it. How is her pragmatic speech?

Edited for syntax

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 22 Sep 2014, 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have 2 sons. My oldest is diagnosed HFA and my youngest has always been a little quirky (he just turned 5). Your post struck me as I also was concerned thatDS5 didn't know very many children in preschool (it seems like something most kids just pick up). However, I also had concerns about his rigidity. He has always been a little "bossy" and has to have things his way. On the other hand, he has some definite strengths that my older son did not have so I was also torn about evaluation. I did call last month to have him evaluated as our elementary school is WONDERFUL with our older son and I want to give the youngest all possible opportunities. He got evaluated on Friday and I found out today that they are recommending him for an ASD evaluation (full ADOS). My heart is breaking a little but we have a lot of great services where we live, so I hope this will open doors. I agree with the others - in the end its about how well our children can function - are their services you think will be helpful if she is evaluated?

What is her kitchen play like? At 4, my son would stir things in a pot and put things in the oven, so I thought that was good imaginary play. Now that my daughters are that age, wow what a difference -- they are having full on dinner parties where imaginary characters have a place setting, stuffed animals are drinking tea, they describe what they are making, bring me things to "taste", and negotiate with each other about how the table should be set. There's often a whole storyline going on about who is coming and how the meal progresses.

I agree with everyone who said that if she's not having a functional difficulty right now, then it's probably early to actually worry about it. (Not that anyone can help worrying, if they are already in worry-mode).

Your description of your daughter sounds a lot like me as a child, and I can say that if someone had forced me to be more social it would have made me feel very threatened and uncomfortable. I was perfectly happy to have "only" 1 or 2 friends or to play by myself a lot of the time. I was also terrible with names (still am), but it hasn't ruined my life or anything. Is it a symptom? Perhaps. But if it's not negatively affecting her life, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. Focus on the behaviors or symptoms that are actually causing her problems-- from HER perspective, not from others'. With girls you have to be extra careful to watch out for that though-- we can be sneaky and hide what is causing us trouble. When she is a bit older it will be easier to just have conversations with her about this stuff-- like ask her if she would LIKE to have more friends, etc. Maybe she is just an introvert, which is not in itself a "disorder" (although sometimes people who are not introverted would seem to make it feel that way.)

When I was growing up, I just figured I was introverted, shy, anxious, gifted, "alien", etc etc etc.... it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I realized that probably I actually had AS, but was so good at "faking it" that I'd learned how to mask many of my symptoms when necessary (even though doing so is completely exhausting and soul-sucking.) So that is what I'd be mindful of. It's not healthy to grow up learning to "fake it" and not understand what it really going on with yourself, and why. Just keep an eye on her.

As to your husband-- okay, maybe he'll be upset-- but if she is, then she is, and he'll have to deal with it anyway. I agree that you should share your feelings if it's really weighing on you. It's not your job, or healthy for you, to shoulder all of that worry on your own and to do extra work to protect your husband from the same worry.

Hi Yippy - you've already gotten some great responses and advice. I agree with other posters to be aware and keep en eye on things. With time, it may become more obvious if there is something going on. My daughter was diagnosed at 4 1/2 but it was because she was having issues at preschool - not wanting to sit at circle time, shouting "no" at teachers when asked to do something, etc. The diagnosis helped my husband and I understand her better, but she has never had any supports in school or qualified for services. We ended up paying for many things out of pocket that we thought would be helpful to her i.e. occupational therapy for small motor issues. We would never have known what OT was or that she needed it without the diagnosis. So, the diagnosis, for us at least, really just served to educate us. It sounds like with your son you are already familiar with ASD and different therapies, options, etc. Since your daughter is overall doing well, maybe let things develop. The "faceblind" issue, from a safety standpoint would make me nervous though. I'm sure you've talked to her about the stanger danger issue.

Hope that helped a little!