Incident at school

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Yesterday I got a call from the assistant principal about Toby. Apparently he was involved in an altercation with another boy, and both were getting 2 days of in-school suspension for it.

The situation was, as I was told, they were playing flag football in PE. Toby went to get the flag from the other boy, and somehow it involved a shove, which the adults believe to be unintentional. However, the other boy thought differently, and got mad about it and shoved Toby. Then Toby punched him in the stomach. The boy responded back, and then the teacher broke them up and wrote up the incident.

The principal was not irate, told me he enjoyed talking with Toby. That Toby and the other boy were forthcoming and honest about what happened, and that their stories matched up. He said that both boys complained that the other boy wasn't following the rules. He said he explained to both boys that it is reasonable to expect that sports could get a bit physical, even flag football. But that what happened after was unacceptable, thus ISS. I should note that the discussion was held with the principal the day after the incident, not the day of.

Toby wasn't upset about getting in trouble (i.e., he did not melt down about it), recognized that he disappointed the principal, teacher, his parents, etc. He even voluntarily told his Dad about it later in the day, and he generally doesn't like to do that, fearing he'll get in more trouble. So he's handling it well. I am wondering how much of this is due to the fact that he had plenty of time to calm down.

My question is, is there something else I should be doing? We just had an IEP meeting where we discussed his new ASD diagnosis, The school is doing a new evaluation to determine if it would be better to keep in the LD category or move him to the ASD category, and then in early November we will meet again to discuss specific accommodations. So they weren't identified and in place in time for this altercation. One of the accommodations I am seeking is that he has a safe room to go to when he blows up, which didn't happen in this case, because it isn't in place yet. But really, in this situation I don't think it would have been needed, unless he actually did have trouble calming down directly after the incident, but I don't know what happened at that time. Should I think differently?

We also have not instituted any discipline at home so far, because he seems to understand his response to being shoved was not appropriate and is already being punished for it. As background, you should know my husband and I have taken the stance that when it comes to bullying and physical aggression, we expect our kids to not be the aggressor, but that it's ok to defend themselves if someone is aggressive with them, and we will back them up in such cases if they get in trouble for being in the altercation at school. But I'm not sure a punch in the stomach is merely defensive. So I don't know what to do here either.

Any observations or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

It sounds to me as if he understands exactly where he has misbehaved, and that the punishment in school is accurate, and that your son understands the reasons for it, the type of punishment etc. I would not suggest further discipline at home as well unless there was a failing in the punishment at school and it needed reinforcing. I think that it sounds like the incident has been handled well by all the parties involved and you should be proud of him that he has reacted sensibly to the aftermath of a slightly mis-judged action during PE. I think many boys, AS or NT would find themselves in identical situations during PE, and many would not behave as well as your son seems to have done when dealing with the headmaster afterwards.

Hi, I'm not a parent, but I have lived life on the Spectrum, now comfortably self-diagnosed, and try to help out where I can.

Depending on the maturity level of your son, I might try to sell him on the idea that a draw can be a good outcome. For example, it's not a good idea to publicly embarrass someone you're likely to see again. And I wish this idea was more widely understood in international relations. And it sounds like the principal handled it pretty well, basically declaring it a draw and treating both boys equally.

The other boy initially escalated it, and then your son further escalated it. The other boy may have also escalated it with a verbal outburst or sneer in addition to the push. If it's a sneer, your son may have a hard time putting it into words even to himself, It's embarrassing when you're treated as an outsider or like you don't belong. In addition, if your son doesn't fight in a fighting situation, he risks being called "sissy" or far cruder insults, and this is a much bigger risk than being called "bully."

One thing I might recommend is private, low-key boxing lessons. Maybe a couple of lessons, some practicing on his own. Maybe six months later, a couple of more lessons. You don't want this to be your main sport or something to be really proud of. This is just one life skill among many. And please don't let your son take a bunch of blows to the head because all that stuff about repeated head trauma is largely true. And just like football helmets don't really protect, presumably neither does boxing headgear. And the zen of it all, if you're prepared, a fight is actually less likely. (I personally usually got much more out of a one-on-one sports lesson than some goofy group lesson.)

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* And this whole episode, including staying calm during the aftermath, sounds like it was largely a success. Allow your son open fields and to continue to roll forward.

Suspension for either boy seems a little extreme to me. My kid's done worse and gotten less.

I think you handled the situation very well and I think the school is very proactive in providing a good and safe learning environment for your child. With regard to the school providing a safe room for your child to go to in case he blows up, I gather the school would have to provide a teacher or teacher's aid to supervise your child until he cools down and can return to class. That could tie up resources for the school. Other than that I think it's a very good idea.

Safe room. Definitely safe room, and not seclusion.

I would add some punishment at home, like taking away from privilege for awhile to emphasize that physical violence as an aggressor is really not OK according to not just school rules, but also family rules.