How do I explain that I'm not lazy if I refuse a request?

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We are doing great, but have hit the typical Halloween roadblock of a costume. We're having a problem that I realize is much bigger than this single issue, but it frames it nicely, so:

DS wants me to "help" him make a cosplay-quality costume of a particular character who has a specialized full-head helmet. By "help" he essentially means he wants me to do most of the work. His first idea was something he might actually complete with help rather than "help": he was going to 3D print the whole thing, which might have worked except we don't know how much the material would cost and it is a 60-hour printing job (we'd be using the school's printer, so probably longer.)

So, we talked about alternatives. I suggested we build a face mask and he choose a character that has a hood. DS started to get angry. I explained that the last time we tried to make a full-head helmet (papier mache) he wasn't happy with it, and I don't want to do that again. He started to show me websites where other people did it successfully, and I finally explained that we've come to a point where he needs to make his own costumes with supervision, instead of him supervising me making the costumes. I said I wasn't willing to put in the work that this particular costume would take, but we could do many similar things that would be easier.

This went back and forth for a while, and finally DS called me lazy (which he knows is a very triggering word for me.)

We've had a similar dispute about an expensive gaming headset he wants to buy: he has trouble stopping with both ears open, and I told him I wouldn't support him buying something that made him unable to hear me or the timer. He "came up with a compromise" which was for me to stop what I'm doing, run downstairs and tap him on the shoulder. When I said that I didn't want to do that, again, he called me lazy. (I pointed out that the reason I didn't want to do it is I'm typically making dinner while he's gaming, but I realized that isn't the point.)

I realized after he said it that this is one of the biggest problems we are having right now: if I don't do exactly what DS wants the way he wants it, he assumes I'm lazy. Beyond the name-calling, this is worrying me because it points out 1) He still has a glaring Theory of Mind deficit and 2) Even though we talk about consent all the time (I talk a lot about girls and consent and talk to him about the stuff in the news,) he doesn't really understand that I'm an autonomous person with a right to decide how to spend my time. I've been explaining to him how hard I've been working and that it's unfair to ask me to do more work...and I realize now that he's taken that to mean I can be at his beck and call as long as I'm not doing anything he deems is work.

How do I explain this to him? I had a sit-down with him last night and spelled out that my feelings were hurt by being called lazy, and that I have a right to use my own time the way I want, and then on the way to school today he said he was going to buy a $175 version of the helmet on Etsy, and when I asked how he planned to pay for the rest of the costume - and he exploded that I'd said I would pay for it and it wasn't fair (I had said "we can go shopping" not that it matters.) I told him that if he wanted me to pay for things, he at least needed to ask first, and he called me lazy again.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining: we've come a very long way in a relatively short time, and this isn't something I can't tolerate. I am more concerned about the implications of DS thinking that family members are like the downstairs folk in Downton Abbey. I know it's just because he can't see my point of view, but I don't know how to get across to him that people refuse to do favors all the time, and it's their right to do so. Any ideas?

Being called "lazy" would cheese me off big time. I'd probably say something like, "You want to see lazy? I'm not doing anything for your costume, and I'm not giving you any money for it, either." I'd probably relent later, but only if he apologized and improved his attitude.

Also you should give him a time and money budget up front.
Remember that YOU have the power in this situation, not him. He's the one who wants something. Don't let him walk on you.

I think the thing to do is to defuse the word lazy. I would make it clear in this type of situation that not doing something he wants you to do, does not make you lazy. I think the point you made about you having the right to allocate your time was the right one. Time and money are finite resources and it is not beyond the autistic mind to understand that you can't magically create more of finite resources.

I would also point out to him that any and all help you give him on an optional thing like this is a favor and it is not something he should feel entitled to. I think it is easy for them to see their moms as tools, which of course is part of the diagnosis, but it is something that eventually has to be trained out of them.

My son doesn't use that word, but there are things he feels entitled to, that are not realistic. It is one of the many things that we plug away at.

You could take my parents' approach: "Do it yourself if you can't talk to me like a human being.".

It's less that I'm having a problem with the behavior (and I do, often, go "on strike" if he isn't being civil) but more that he genuinely doesn't understand why I think it's OK to refuse his requests. It is, indeed, part of the diagnosis - but I want him to understand that in a broader context than just our relationship. (Heck, this particular interchange is pretty normal even among NT children, it's just that I understand that it represents something different for DS.)

I like "parents as tools" as a way of phrasing it - when DS was younger we used to remind him that he couldn't treat his friends like toys. Took him a while to figure that out, and he still struggles with it sometimes, but he's further with that than he is with us.

I wish I had some sage advice. But I got nothin'.

Do you think he has now noticed that "lazy" is a buzz word for you and he's using it to try to make you give in?

What would happen if you just said "You're right. I'm too lazy. I'm not going to do it"? Sometimes I find that "explaining" (which is really just a nice word to call "arguing"--which is what it really is, at least for us), ends up making things into bigger issues. Sometimes I find it best to be...well...lazy and not go through the work. YKWIM?

Explain that your "mom jobs" include providing him with basic food, basic shelter, and basic clothing. You are also responsible for providing healthcare and making sure he goes to school. Explain that everything else you do or buy for him is an expression of your love, and that you are not legally or ethically obligated to do any of it. Tell him the appropriate response to all these "extras" is gratitude.

I would also go into a broader discussion of what lazy means, and when it is OK to use it. He may have heard the term applied at inappropriate times, or may be searching for a word he doesn't have in his vocabulary yet.

It sounds to me like, in addition the concept that he may see you as a mommy tool, he may also want you to prioritize him and his needs more than you are able to do, and that may be a feeling he does not understand and cannot put words to. This is something my non-ASD child expresses quite a bit in situations exactly like you've described, and then we end up in discussions about priorities and what should be ahead of what, and how I choose among her requests those that will give the most bang for the buck in terms of our relationship instead of things that will just be big time sucks and end up making me frustrated and angry (like making an overly elaborate costume would). Although requests that simply are incredibly fun for me can come out of "me" time, instead of "her" time. Anyway. Get him thinking about how he would prioritize your time on his behalf if it were X minutes in a day; would having you make him a costume REALLY be the first choice?

Geez, if my kid talked to me that way, I really wouldn't be cooperating lol. I refuse to do anything for my son when he is screaming at me and talking in a whiny high pitched voice. I want to be treated with respect, I refuse to give it unless I am given it so whine at me or verbally abuse me, I won't cooperate lol. I get "lazy."

My mom used to call herself a mean mom to my brothers and I. Yeah children will verbally abuse their parents by calling them names when they don't get their way so the parent turns it around on them by admitting it. I don't know if it's manipulation they are doing. Adults do this too. How many times have we been called lazy or selfish or self centered because they didn't get their way? My ex boyfriend used to say I was self centered and I realize he only called me this when he wasn't getting his way. That was emotional abuse I found out and I see it as him throwing a temper tantrum when he did it. Yes it did make me believe I really was self centered but now I realize he was the one who was and he was just doing it because he didn't get his way. Projection or he was doing it to get his way by playing with my feelings by making me feel bad so I will do it. I don't know if your son truly believes you are being lazy or if he is doing it to try and get his way by making you believe you are lazy so you will do it. BTW I think he is the one being lazy, he wants a costume but yet he wants you to do it. It's his costume, not yours. But yet if i were in your position, I would be calling my own kid lazy and say why. "No, you;re the one who is being lazy, it's your costume so you do it, I shouldn't be doing it for you, it's yours, not mine." I would probably do a day of being lazy by not making any dinner or doing anything for my kid like cleaning or cooking, etc. whatever you do usually as a parent just to show what being lazy is lol. I tend to do the opposite when I am accused of anything.

The problem I'm having is not with the use of the word "lazy" or with showing my son that I'm not lazy - I am correcting that behavior as well, but I think I have a handle on that part.

The problem I'm having is that my son doesn't understand that I don't exist to serve him. Genuinely. I need tools to explain to him how to look at things from my perspective.

If I explain how busy I am, he just assumes he has to wait until I'm relaxing or entertaining myself to ask for something - and he does wait, so it's not like he isn't thinking about me at all. He just doesn't understand that I could choose to watch TV all day and eat bon-bons, and still say no to making his costume. He also doesn't understand that if he's asking me to do something, I may put conditions on how I do it that make my life easier.

I finally left the house last night for a while (on strike for the rude language,) and when I got home, he had actually started working on the costume, but DH reported that he had wistfully asked "Why doesn't Mom want to help me?"

That's the problem: he can't see this issue as anything but me deliberately refusing to help. It's really making me sad as well as frustrated.

I think the larger issue warrants a conversation. I am assuming he relates to needing downtime. I let my son know that mommies need downtime, too. i think it is easy for kids (NT kids, too) to forget that parents have many of the same needs as kids. In my attempt to segue into discussing his diagnosis, as one aspect, I have let him know that we are alike in certain ways that other people don't necessarily share. So in instances like this I remind my son that not only does he need a lot of downtime to function well, but so do I. If I don't get downtime, I will get cranky and not be very efficient at things.

That is the strategy I would take. Let him know everyone needs downtime and relaxation time. Some people need more than others, and that even parents need it, and are entitled to it. Your brain needs to recharge, just like his does,

I have this issue with my 7-year-old.... just the other day, he actually wanted me to wipe his butt for him and stomped around acting like a baby when I outright refused.

This is an ongoing issue that I've done my share of contributing to, because I have totally enabled him... when he was younger I tended to do WAYYY too much FOR him, with the illusion that I was "helping" or just being courteous (like, oh, I'm closer to that than you are, so I'll pick it up for you), or just because it felt like playing (oh okay *I'll* build the entire lego house while you "direct" me...)

It took an outsider coming in (a developmental therapist) and for me to see myself through the therapist's eyes, that MY eyes were actually opened to how much I was actually *crippling* him by doing too much for him, even if, in the short run, it made things a lot easier for both me and my son. (Especially with stuff like, putting on your own clothing, getting your own backpack, etc.) It's VERY frustrating to try to get out the door in the morning if one kid is being lazy about that stuff and then you wind up having to do it FOR him so that the other kids don't pay the price. But in so doing, you've just reinforced that you will SERVE him if he pushes hard enough. It's so, so, so hard to make the right choice in these situations because it's often the much harder choice and causes the most inconvenience and strife in the moment. I think this is true in ANY parenting situation, not just for ASD kids.

But I also think you're right in that it's more complicated than that, because of the ASD... and yeah the fact that you overheard him saying he was bummed that you weren't helping... that's a big clue.

I have noticed that my son really values spending time with me, but he doesn't have a very good way of showing it. So treating me like I'm his full-time personal assistant has a dual purpose, I think... it allows him to be lazy (which is definitely a factor) but he does also enjoy having all that time with me hovering around him, being a part of whatever he's doing (including wiping his butt.) I've found that we, as parents of AS kids, probably get so used to having to micromanage a lot of stuff that we'd otherwise prefer not to, that sometimes it can be hard to step back and see the big picture and realize how we ourselves may have contributed to the unhealthy dynamic.

I have actually brought up "slavery" to my son on several occasions at this point. He knows about slavery from school, and he knows it's bad and that it's not something you'd want to be accused of. Sometimes when he's being a jackass about wanting me to do something FOR him that he's totally capable of doing, I will tell him that I'm not his slave. That makes sense to him and usually stops his demands, temporarily, even if he's still not happy about it. I also make it clear that I'm usually happy to help him, if he truly needs help with something. But I'm not his slave, nor am I his personal assistant.

I've also had a conversation with him about how, by doing too much for him, I would actually be *abusing* him. Now that was a really complicated concept for him to wrap his head around, but with enough explanation, he was able to see the sense of it. It doesn't help in the moment, when he's being lazy, but it's a foundation for future deep understanding I think.

I think for the costume situation, I would sit down and have a long talk with him (when he's in a calm state-of-mind, not when you're already having an argument about it) and explain that you would love to help him make it, but that because of time & money considerations, some things are beyond a reasonable expectation, especially considering that this costume will be used only briefly and he will outgrow it anyway. You might explain that when he's an adult, he can choose to be involved in conventions and events for cosplay and at that time it would make more sense to invest the time & money in a very involved & expensive costume project.

I would also reinforce that story you told about how you spent all that time on the costume last year and then he didn't even like it, and how that hurt your feelings, and that you don't want to repeat that experience. (I totally understand you on that one, because I have been through it too, and I know it's always a risk... this year my son wants to be the gold ninja from Lego Ninjago, and he made it clear how he wants it to be, and I know he's going to complain when things come out differently from his "vision", and I'm already dreading the inevitable complaints after all the work I do...) But I guess it's just another learning opportunity... to reinforce that when someone has gone out of your way to do something nice for you, you never EVER complain about the result. If you MUST criticize, do so only after making it clear that you appreciate the effort and consideration, and even then, try to make the criticisms as neutral as possible, so as not to hurt the person's feelings. And even then, it's probably safer to just keep your mouth shut.

Sometimes I think it's okay to go into a bit of an "act" to get the message across. I think you need to make it much more clear just how inappropriate it is for him to be calling you "lazy". You need to act more upset. I have found it really effective to use both words AND a visual to SHOW my son how his actions are affecting me. So, if he's being too loud, I will not only say, "hey could you lower your voice please? that really hurts my ears." .. but I will also very obviously cover my ears with my hands. This has helped a lot. Maybe when he is treating you like that you could make more of a show of being "hurt". Make a sad face, leave the room, while saying "that really hurts my feelings." I know it feels manipulative, but it's not really. It's just making it clear that their behavior affects others, and maybe not in the way they were expecting. (I bet he's calling you lazy not only to blow off steam, but also because he thinks it will inspire you to prove him wrong.)

I would make a really clear plan, like on PAPER, what the budget is for this project, both financially and temporally. Then have him create a plan for the actual costume. Figure out what he can do on his own, and what he will need help with. Make a clear road-map of how you will participate.

On the one hand, I would loooove to be in a position where my son wanted to work on a costume with me. I love doing crafty stuff, but my son - not so much. But that's not a helpful statement and in truth I wouldn't want to be exactly where you are now with this particular costume.

However, I find myself in a very similar situation with much smaller tasks right now. "You do it, mommy." is his common response to - just about anything. He is 7 and NT.

I am sick to my back teeth of being called the meanest mommy in the world and so forth over basic requests. (Once in the supermarket he said that to me and I replied "have I ever put a cigarette out on you?"- "no" - "Then I'm not even close to being the meanest mommy in the world.")

I have no helpful advice. Just commiseration. I know my job is to transition from doing everything for an infant to raising an independent and self-reliant adult. He isn't certainly very independent, but he'd much rather I do stuff for him - and it's my job to help him want to do stuff without me over time.

I'm also thinking of buying the book Back Talk or 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child to see if I can nip some of this behaviour in the bud. I'm sick of the rude and disrespectful talk. And I know it doesn't help that his father calls me lazy, selfish, a bad mother, etc in front of him.

Can I ask a really stupid question?? Because I swear I can remember going through this with various parental figures.

Has anyone used, "You have to do things you don't want to, because if you don't you're lazy?" as a tool to get him to learn something he struggled monumentally with, or to do something he had no motivation whatever to do, or whatever good-intentioned suchlike as that??

Have teachers or someone used it as a goad?? Think really hard.

Because it could be less complicated than "parent as tool." He could very well understand that you are an independent entity, not something to be used for his convenience...

...and all he's doing is mirroring a behavior that he has seen others use to motivate him or someone else when it's something HE doesn't want to do that THEY deem important???? Because, you know, if HE has to do it, and he's lazy if he doesn't, then why doesn't that apply to YOU???

I don't know what you call that. Too literal an interpretation of reciprocity?? Mirroring inappropriately?? Hierarchy blindness?? Brat?? Human?? I really don't know. I'm sorry if you already answered that question and I missed it. Brain isn't firing well, hasn't been for a while now. Again.

I have actually put my foot down about doing a lot of stuff for my son (nine) this year. I have stopped helping him dress, I've (mostly) stopped picking up his room, and I no longer stress about his homework. I tell him to do his homework, I even remind him, but I now refuse to yell or stand guard duty to keep him on task. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. If he doesn't care whether his clothes lie on his floor for a week, neither do I. If he goofs off in the morning and ends up with no time to brush his teeth, then I guess he'll have stinky breath that day. Trying to keep him in line constantly was causing me to be anxious all the time, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I've explained to him that he's growing up and he's got to be more responsible for himself, and that his failings are his own and not mine (he likes to blame me and others for everything). He had a rough start to the school year, but he's actually doing pretty good now. My husband has also stepped up some this year with the homework issue, now that he sees I really will leave it undone otherwise.