TOM issue: helping my son understand "gifts"

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So, I'm sure you all can relate, Christmas is a difficult time for us. Of course, now that DS is older and we have a better handle on the whole AS thing, it is significantly less difficult than it used to be, but it is another one of those times where the Theory of Mind deficit becomes glaringly obvious.

I note that while we have a specific therapy for social skills and social speech, there doesn't seem to be anything other than life experience that's offered to help with TOM. All of us have a problem with it to some degree - I think I have it less so by virtue of my gender: TOM deficits are not socially tolerated in girls, and adults and children were incredibly, incredibly mean to me whenever I was thoughtless. While I don't think that's an appropriate theraputic response, I'm ahead of the boys in the family, who rarely take in or give enough information when give-and-take is expected.

So, presents. DS had a very specific list of gifts. Every year, he gets things that weren't on the list, or that aren't THE EXACT version of the thing on the list, or he doesn't get something on his list...like every kid in the universe. We have worked very hard on the pragmatics involved, and this year, DS made a truly superhuman effort at the family gift-party, and after three days of coaching and planning, successfully faked enthusiasm at getting a not-compatible version of a gaming accessory he wanted. I was really proud of him (it was cute, he played two-face - smiling happy face towards the gift giver, and then turned around to me to show the actual face he needed to make - half panic, half despair. Broke my heart.) So, we have addressed the BEHAVIOR.

We have not, however, solved the PROBLEM. DS does not understand the concept of "gift," as it is not a linear idea. A "gift" is an interaction between two people involving a token that represents their desire to make the other person happy. DS cannot in any way understand that the token itself really has nothing to do or say about the interaction (at least in most cases - I suppose there are situations where people purposely buy you a hurtful gift, but obviously not in our case.) For this reason, birthdays and other gift-giving holidays (this also applies when he gives a gift; he never feels like it was "right.") are extremely unpleasant and stressful for him.

Not doing gifts is not the right answer: it's not so stressful that it causes meltdowns, and he would prefer to get a mixed bag than to get nothing. Interestingly, our request for people to give him gift cards or money also does not solve the problem, as he has some understanding of gifts-as-choosing-something-someone-wants; he understands there is a way in which those are a cop-out. Plus, I feel it is a life skill to not only be able to recieve gifts graciously, but also to be able to take in the intent behind the gift and, when necessary, ignore the physical gift itself.

We at least were prepared that there were going to be problems, and were able to let him know ahead of time that there were going to be disappointments - which took many conversations from the day before Christmas Eve until the day after Christmas when the final gifts were opened. He views presents with a certain sense of entitlement that I think is due to linear thinking ("I want something, gifts are supposed to be you getting me something I want, therefore I should be getting XYZ specific thing.") I talked to him about looking as gifts like "freebies," things that happen accidentally and are sometimes what you want and sometimes not...he can't do it.

How do I help him understand? To a degree, we managed the gaming accessory situation by me saying "imagine that it is a gift certificate for the one you DO want, because we're going to return it and basically turn it into one." That staved off the meltdown and enabled him to manage socially. In his head, though, the "wrong gift" was like a slap in the face - a personal affront and attack, and also in some way a reflection on him. There will also come a day when we won't be around to make good on "wrong gifts," and he needs to understand that sometimes he has to accept less and live with it.

He understands in some cognitive way that gifts are not a personal attack, and was able to put on an appropriate social front, but it's clear he doesn't get it deep-down, and this makes gifts a real internal struggle for him.

I hate seeing my son suffer. Again - I am NOT looking for help with behavior; that went exceptionally well, considering the internal struggle involved. I'm looking for suggestions on how to help him think more flexibly about gifts so he can engage in this kind of social interaction at less personal cost.

I don't understand. He is polite when he gets a gift he doesn't like, but is internally a bit disappointed. Isn't that a normal response? People, especially kids, are generally disappointed when they get a crappy gift. I think your expectations may be a little too high.

My husband could have written what you wrote. At 54, gifts are not pleasant and anxiety producing. He also believes an "off" gift is a personal affront and him not "graciously" accepting a gift means there is something wrong with him.

This year I bought him nothing, and this was the best Christmas he has had in 30 years. Between the TOM, anxiety, depression and other hard wired brain stuff, the rage about the gift exchange would slosh into the rest of the day. Then he'd meltdown near the end.

Forgot...

I did buy this year him two of his favorite candy bars. And hid them where he could find them with a note that said "the elves were here."

My Aspie nephew is an ulcer inducing experience to buy for, and he is much more vocal about telling you where you fell short. He's 15. Part teen brat and part Aspie. Lol... He gets cash only. I tuck the money into an origami model, and he actually looks forward to see what I have folded for him.

The problem with my husband and nephew, no matter how hard they try to hide "Oh really, this isn't anything like I wanted." Or "the what the hell" panic look, we all knew they are/were disappointed minimum, and usually pissed off/angry. The happy/cheery mood would leave the room, and then it would just get all uncomfortable and people start offering sales receipts or offering to exchange the item. This happens more at his family because people open one gift at a time and they go around the room.

It's the NT-isn't this terrific! Aren't you thrilled with what I personally picked out for you? Look how much time, money and effort I spent on your behalf!

My Aspie husband-dear god. Center of attention--hates this. What IS this? Must looked thrilled. Failing badly. Oh god NOW THEY HATE ME. I ruined the day. Ruined everything. Why do they set me up like this? I hate their stupid gifts.

I will be interested in what is offered up as a suggestion. My nephew, husband and two men in his autism support have this specific issue. It seems like it isn't that uncommon.

As a wife, who loves my husband, I do no more surprises, no gifties. He can barely fake it for relatives, and the faking it just drains him.

Yippy, my husband said the same thing (don't know how old the child is in the OP post). He thought the kid deserved a parade for really really doing the impossible He also said he would have full bore meltdown from ages 5-14 in that situation.

My husband said the gift thing is more about him ruining the other person's moment. He can't fake excitement worth a damn, and feels the gift (which in his mind is a swing and a miss) isn't about him. It's more about the other person "feeling good". He says he can't learn that anymore than a blind person seeing what blue really is. He sort of gets it (maybe), but the whole this is a day you bring an obligatory gift is just beyond him. Christmas and birthdays are the absolute worse.

Overthinking probably makes gifts stressful and contributes to difficulty just appreciating. Maybe trying to make dealing with the imperfect gifts familiar and positive can help. These things are for giving away or regifting, these are to take back, these are to use. Or some similar simple formula.

My son is not "a bit disappointed." NT kids are disappointed. My son is in huge internal anguish, and normally spends large portions of birthdays and Christmas sobbing. Think an emotional reaction like someone killed your pet hamster.

I'm fine with my son dealing with little bumps in life. For him, this isn't that.

Yes, my son is fourteen and I agree that he should have gotten a parade! For him, the "ruining the moment" is an exacerbating factor - it's that he somehow can't de-personalize the "swing and a miss" part; it is akin to the feeling of being picked last in gym because you know it is in some way about your abilities or lack thereof: other people do it, but it says something about YOU.

Interestingly, as I'm writing this, we just talked about the last-picked-in-gym thing and it doesn't bother him; he frames it as their loss; he knows he's at least in the middle at sports, and those who don't like him just are being lazy and not putting forward the effort it takes to get to know him. In other words: last-picked in gym is because THEY didn't make the effort and therefore are not deserving of his company, bad gift must mean the people who are supposed to make the effort to care about him didn't make the effort. Hmmm.

I'm thinking perhaps you could play a gift-giving game, where each player writes a list of things they want (for the purpose of the game only)- such as "a coin, a bead, a pen, a block" and gives that to each other player and then writes a more specific list for themselves- such as "a 25c coin, a red bead, a blue pen with a flower on it, a rectangular orange block". Then have each player go look at the selection available, which will have many types of coins, beads, pens, blocks, etc. and try to select the desired item. The idea being that even if you know the person wants a pen, it's not always easy to know which pen they want, because they think different thoughts than you. Then you can also emphasise, that while the gifts given might be "wrong", the giver still put a lot of thought into which one to get, which was nice of them.

I don't know if he's at an age where playing games is helpful, or if that example of a game even addresses his actual problem, but maybe something along those lines could help?

LOL yes same here. I don't think my husband's issue with gifts is related to theory of mind- it's more difficulty in looking excited enough and disappointing other people, but yeah I don't do real surprises. If I get him something, it'll be casually presented (and totally unsurprising) rather than "O.M.G. LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR YOU! SIT DOWN WHILE EVERYONE STARES AT YOU OPENING IT. ISN'T IT GREAT?"

I am wondering is there anything you can compare the present issue to that would make sense? Like that maybe when you're eating with a group sometimes people wait even if their food gets cold so they can eat together, the purpose isn't necessarily the food. The food may be an excuse to spend time together.

Maybe can you explain what you feel the deeper purpose of gifts is if you think it would help?

I think gifts get really complicated to give and to receive, and are confusing to react to and watch the other persons reaction. Confusion creates anxiety. Anxiety that can't efficiently be communicated or effectively be shared can lead to melting down or shutting down.

Also, the usual explanations about gifts are contradictory. If the goal of getting someone a gift is make them happy, why then in a spirit of closeness and love--and how--am I to lie and pretend I love something I hate on first glance? Oh, it's a gift it's from them I can....so the self talk goes. Dishonesty and misleading others can be really tough, and it's emotionally wrenching to try to be nice while doing something that, when done to you, doesn't seem nice at all.

So if you can provide a deeper meaning and purpose to gift giving that your child will be comfortable with I believe it may make a big difference in his emotional reactions, because you'll have made the world make sense, essentially given him a social story in a sense. Though writing an actual social story about it with him might also work as you'll perhaps be able to help the whole thing make sense That way.

He doesn't really play games, but this is a good idea - maybe I can figure out some kind of computer simulation...

My usual disclaimer...I did not read past Yippy's response and so what I wrote below is probably largely...what is the proper opposite of applicable? Anyway, focus issues are at play, but I want to respond because I totally understand where you are coming from...

Honestly, what Yippy said is what I was thinking. I think the whole thing that he needs to understand is that it is normal to feel disappointed when you don't get what you want. But it is not acceptable to make the other person feel bad. It sounds like he accomplished that, so I would take a moment to feel really proud, because I am sure it wasn't easy for him.

I understand it is more than "a bit disappointed" for your son, but what I find, particularly with my daughter, is that her emotional responses to many things are over-exaggerated by most people's standards. What I am trying to do with her, which seems to be working to some extent, is acknowledging with her that she is very sensitive about some things. That she is sensitive to a degree that other people are not. That it is completely OK that she is this sensitive, and she can express it as much as she needs to in the safety of her own home. But that when she is around other people, she needs to do her best to follow the social script, or she will make other people feel bad and I know that is not what she wants. So, we do what you do. We spend days going over every conceivable possibility that may occur and what her response will be. It is exhausting, but I don't think she can help how strongly she feels things. Cognitively, she is beginning to understand some of it, but it doesn't help. There are so many underlying concepts that get "pinged." Fairness and justice, for example. Difficulty when things don't follow the social script the way it is supposed to. An increasing awareness that other people don't have to worry about these things, and she does. Anxiety because she knows her natural response will likely not be the right one, and fear that even though we have practiced, she will not know the appropriate response (no, wait, I think that is my fear).

The other thing I was thinking was Sheldon Cooper in any Big Bang Theory episode that involves gift-giving! LOL!

I don't mean to make light. But sometimes I just think things are the way they are and the best we can do is teach the surface compensatory strategies so that additional issues are not created that then have to be dealt with.

My kids have a wish list on Amazon.com. It allows people to see exactly what is wanted. Most of my family sends me money, and I buy something for them to make sure they get it right. Or I send them an actual link to what is wanted. I have also told my son that teenagers generally prefer gift cards because teenagers tend to be picky in what they like and they often like expensive things and gift cards allow them to pool lots of smaller gifts into something bigger that his gift givers wouldn't have been able to afford. That doesn't teach the skill, but it does avoid the issue on days that maybe our kids shouldn't have to work so hard.

Does he like "The Big Bang Theory?" There are a number of scenes that affects aspects of gift-giving that Sheldon finds difficult. Most of them actually focus on how hard the giving part is for Sheldon, who struggles with precise reciprocity. if he relates to Sheldon at all, it might help him to see how hard it from the givers side.

My other comment is going to be about lists, and whether making lists increases his expectations. I could see why it would be really hard for him to understand that if he says/writes exactly what he wants, he ought to get exactly that. I know that it would probably would be worse if your family had to choose blind, but I also wonder if that is part of why he seems to act entitled as opposed to seeing the gifts as bonus things.

Maybe retry explicitly naming it a suggestion list or wish list so it is more explicit that it is a hope not a demand or requisition.

A "wish list" is actually quite genius. I didn't even realize that that is what it is called on Amazon and that it might be part of the reason my kids don't have many problems in this regard until you pointed it out.

I am sorry, I did not see you posted about both Sheldon and wish lists right in front of me. No excuse other than sleepiness. Sorry for not citing you!

Please...no apologies! If you note, I edited my response. At first I just said I thought you were a genius. It was only after I went back and re-read things that I realized that I had already mentioned a wish-list. Also, with the Sheldon thing, I didn't realize it would help him see the other side. That was "original you!"