Do NT parents really hate their Aspie Children?

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I'm not a parent (and I refuse to be one). I'm aware that there are some good families of children on the spectrum. But is there any truth about the majority of NT families despising their own flesh and blood? My mom and I don't have a healthy relationship at all. She finds ways to argue and belittling me in which she's played a huge role for me becoming insecure and nervous, making me the target of isolation and bullying in school. I also inherited her 'bitchy' attitude which has totally affected my social life with other people. This year she said she was tried of having me around her during holidays because I can never do anything in her presence. If I ever need to ask simple question, my mom responds with extreme fury and spite. At this point, I don't know where my place in life stands or what purpose it serves because of what my Asperger's has done to my mom. Its brought a lot negative experiences to me and I believe my mom's the cause of my problems. Is it supposed to be be this way? Am I a burden to my mom, the rest of my family, and the world?

I think that your mum's issues stretch beyond Aspergers...far beyond.

My son is only 5 but I think with most parents it should have the opposite effect, making a parent feel more protective and nurturing toward their child because of the nature of the issues that they may have. Do I have issues and get frustrated with my ASD son, yep but the same goes for my NT daughter (I hide it pretty well, I think).

Sorry you don't have a good relationship with your mom but you are projecting this onto other families.

I don't think that is a true generally. I do think parents have a steep learning curve because the baby books are tailored for NT kids and all the advice we get from friends family etc., solicited or not, is designed for NT kids. We have to muddle through and learn as we go, so sometimes we guess right and sometimes we guess wrong on what to do. That includes ASD parents, because autistic kids are different from each other, and the things we remember from our own childhoods don't necessarily apply either, and a lot of us are too old to have been diagnosed ourselves, as kids.

That said, some people are set on not believing in ASD being a real thing or they recognize themselves too much, and react by getting defensive and nasty about it. Modern parents will usually hook up with real information at some point, and want an answer for issues their children are having. I think there are biological mechanisms in place for parents to love their children, and I think that does operate in most cases.

Parents who want little "mini mes," and who are oblivious to their children's individuality are not good parents for NT's either. There are plenty of NT mom's with NT kids who were set on getting a girl and got a boy, and are beside themselves, or NT parents who want their nonathletic NT son to be a football player, or what have you.

Do I remember the mistakes my parents made with me? of course I do. But it wasn't hate, it was just ignorance and rigidity and you know, just mistakes anyone might make. Mistakes =! Hate.

I have heard some horrific things from the young people on this board, so I am not saying that ASD kids are uniformly treated well. They clearly are not. But I do believe that most parents love their kids and try to do what is best, even if they do not always know how.

I have never met a mom/family who despised their child.

I have seen frustrated parents, angry and even abusive parents - but I have never met families who just hated their kids, rather were inept and failed their kids.

It is very sad when a child feels their parents don't care about them. As an adult parent I have never seen that to be actually true, rather it is how the child perceived the bad parenting. Still profound and damaging but usually there isn't the intent to harm.

I'm sorry your childhood stunk - as an adult you get to choose how much it impacts you. My mom was really bad too. On her deathbed I was able to see her for the fallable human she was, and it wasn't ever about trying to hurt me, rather it was about not knowing any better. I cried for days about all of th energy I had spent being mad at her rather than just being sorry for the wasted time.

As a parent, you really do the best you can with what you have - some parents wre ill equipped to breed, but still managed to do so. Unfortunately for the kids - the parents did a crappy job. I try SO hard to be the best mom possible and just recently my eldest reamed me for spoiling him and letting him have too much electronics. Now, those sound like gold plated problems that I would have died for - but they're real to him. It bums me out because I am SO much better than my mom was but that doesn't matter to my kids at all.

My mom doesn't hate me, and the reason we don't get along isn't because of my AS, it's because she has borderline personality disorder. I'm her target person and when she gets one of her "episodes" it's not pretty.

I don't know why a parent would hate their child because of AS. I have AS and have four NT kids and I don't hate them because they are NT.

However, I'm seriously thinking my younger son is AS as well. He's showing more and more of the signs every year it seems. I probably should talk to him about it. I may post a thread about that so I don't hijack this one.

I don't think so. I think there are bad parents of AS children, and bad parents of NT children.

With AS, the other issue is that every parents nightmare is there is something wrong with their child. Sometimes, I think parents don't know how to react to finding out their child has AS.

Sometimes I admit to being frustrated with him but I always try to remember the baby he used to be and take what joy I can in those times when he is not having a challenge that frustrates him. Now that he's getting bigger and capable of doing things that could cause harm to him or others I'm more afraid of what he may do. I admit that I get sad when I think of all the things that we're not able to share or that he may not have as bright of a future as I'd once dreamed of. Mostly I'm frustrated by things surrounding him though, such as a lack of involvement by our extended family or inconsistencies in special services from the school or therapeutic agencies.

Your mum's behaviour towards you is not right. She appears to be suffering from resentment, and she's taking it out on you. She shouldn't be doing this, and she needs help to work through her issues, she is probably in a cycle of doing it and it hasn't even occurred to her how wrong it is. What I would say, is that it's hugely stressful having a child on the spectrum, it takes a very strong person not to ever show that frustration either to or in front of their child. People say all sorts of things when they are angry whether they are NT or have an ASD, things people say in the extreme heat of the moment should not be taken seriously. If she has an increasingly short fuse, and appears to blow up over small things and blurt these types of thing out to you, it would appear she's struggling more and more to contain that stress. It isn't necessarily stress caused by caring for you, it could be stress from any number of factors in her life. Don't blame yourself for any of it, she is the one with the issues and she needs to get them sorted.

So no, parents don't hate their children because they have an ASD, whether they are NT or Aspie themselves. Like someone else said, there are good and bad parents whether they are on the spectrum or not.

There are NT parents out there who suck. But they suck whether they have AS or NT kids.

Most of the NT parents I have met with autistic children put way more effort, caring, and forethought into their parenting than most of the NT parents I have met with NT children. I am not saying they love their children more. That would not be fair. But I am saying that I think those of us who do a good job of parenting our ASD kids work harder than your average parent of NT kids. And I don't mean work in a negative way. I don't view it negatively.

I actually view it as quite rewarding.

But it sounds like your mom has personal issues and you should at least consider the possibility that she'd be just as rotten if you were NT.

But, you might want to work on "uninheriting" her bitchy attitude. You don't have to repeat her mistakes and it may be work and you may need help, but I think you can work your way through that. If I am to be honest, my dad was an *ss growing up and although I did inherit a lot of his natural tendencies, I have worked hard to overcome them. Sure, they slip out every now and again, but for the most part, I have found ways to have peace. I find cognitive based therapies work the best.

Lastly, your Aspergers has done nothing to your mom. She is a grown woman and you did not choose to be disabled. She needs to find a way past that; it is not your problem if she can't. And, no, I do not believe you are a burden on anyone, provided you choose to live your life to your best ability and strive to grow and learn on a continual basis. That doesn't mean you have to be like anyone else. All it means is that you have to strive to be the best "you" you can be.

Absolutely not, I married an aspie and have an aspie daughter and an NT daughter (so far, shes only a baby). I am quite aware that my youngest and any other children I have could have AS too but we plan to have a third.

It is however difficult to understand how my daughter feels at times as I dont see the world as she does. I think it may depend on who you ask and where this information comes from. My daughter is only young and she can be an emotional wreck sometimes and seems convinced that I dont love her when I tell her and show her all the time. Remember she has trouble reading emotions. Sometimes I can be looking at her and thinking how beautiful she is and I tell her and she will just calmly reply "yeah I know" like it means nothing to her to be told that! I try to treat both daughters equally as I would if both were AS or both were NT but the truth is the AS daughter requires a different approach, it may be that they both grow up thining the other is the favourite but then that happens in any family AS or not.

Never....Ever

I think your Mum has issues she's taking out on you.

Hugs for you

I cannot speak for others, but I was made acutely aware that my parents dispised me for the "monstrosity" I am. In our culture, having anything like AS is akin to being smacked in the face by God, and thus is a mark of your lack of piety. If a parent has a non-NT child, it's because they weren't pious enough or played in "Shaytaan's playground," bringing shame and God's vengeance upon the family name.

Not that I believe that (because personally, I feel like God blessed me by entrusting these special children to me--I see it as an honor and I feel...*chosen*), but if anything following this belief to it's natural conclusion, your parents should be bending over backwards to try to "make it up to you" for causing this "infliction" to fall upon you through their own wrong-doing. Funny that they should be angry at you for being the result of their lack of piety and sinful ways. You would almost think that raising you in the best way possible and with the kindest of attitudes would be seen as a way to atone for their wrongdoings.

Though I do not know where you are from or what religion is common, so I could be way off base.

It is the embarrassment that others in the community would view them as being impious that made them want to hide my existence, as opposed to any true transgression. There is a pervasive belief that even if you think you played by the rules, if your child isn't "normal," you must have somehow incurred God's wrath (even if that meant missing worship). It's much akin to how in the Middle East, some members of the Muslim faith feel that if their daughter is even seen near a male to whom she is not married, it brings dishonor upon the family and she is labeled a wh*re, regardless if she did or did not have relations with said male subject. This is the #1 reason why I became a kofer.

Last edited by CyborgUprising on 30 Aug 2012, 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I kind of get it....but it still doesn't make sense to me why they would despise *you* for being a "monstrosity" when--in their culture's view--*they* are the ones at fault. Not very logical, though I recognize stuff like that is rarely logical.

At any rate, I am sorry you had to grow up like that. It certainly wasn't fair and I hope you have learned to see yourself through a more favorable lens than what your parents taught you. IMHO, their shame wasn't in having you, it was the way they treated you.