Conflicting professional opinions

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I am confused, to say the least. I have had three people, (1 guidance counselor and 2 family therapists) tell me that my son has Aspergers. I've had a LMSW that works with kids on the spectrum tell me that he is not on the spectrum, and he has been evaluated by a psychiatrist in the same office as the LMSW, and she also says that he is not on the spectrum. Whether he gets a diagnosis or not does is not the point. The thing that causes me confusion is parenting this child. I have a 14 year old daughter, this child, (boy, 12), and a 9 year old son. This child could not be any more different that the other two children. Parenting him is very challenging. He is the only one of the children that will buck authority, and it is the authority of his dad, my husband. He will go from 0-60 in a heartbeat when his dad is reprimanding him or trying to get him to do a chore or something. He also seems to have a addictive tendency towards video/computer games, which seems to affect his attitude. He seems more impatient and more impulsive when he plays video/computer games.

He is smart, extremely verbal, excellent memory, has a huge heart. He does well in school academically, with less than zero effort. He is often bored in class because he is not challenged.

He adores his older sister, is jealous of his younger brother! He is bullied at school because of his size. He plays football in the fall because he likes to hit people legally!! He says it helps him get out his aggression's from being bullied at school. But, he really is a gentle giant, except when he buts heads with his dad.

When doing research on Aspergers after it was brought to our attention that he may have it, he does fit all of the criteria, but he does seem to express some of them. He has been developmentally early with everything. He crawled, walked and talked early. He is a numbers kid...loves math and excels in it. He is impulsive. He struggles socially, sometimes not feeling like he has "real" friends at school. He does have intense interests, but they do change from time to time. He also appears to have An Under Responsive Vestibular System, as he does not get dizzy when spinning. He also has a somewhat clumsy run. He says he feels like he is falling when he runs.

He had ticks when he was younger, but appears to have outgrown them all at this time. He would do what is not referred to now as "visual stemming", licking his lips repeatedly, rolling his neck, rolling his shoulder, etc. He could not sit very still and when beginning the 4th grade, his constant need to be moving something with his hands led us to start treating him for ADD. He takes Vyvance 30 mg daily and it seems to help him tremendously at school.

Any input that anyone can give is greatly appreciated. I just want to know if we are putting unrealistic expectations on him when it comes to dealing with respecting his father. I have felt for a very long time that this child is "wired differently" than my other children, and that his heart is to be respectful and obedient. But, I want to learn how to better parent him more effectively so that the outcome is a responsible, law abiding, contributing member of society that does respect authority and others. Thank you in advance for your response.

What specific tests did the psychiatrist perform in the evaluation? What did the evaluation entail? Did they give you any diagnosis at all?

What were the symptoms that the guidance counselor and therapists thought might point to ASD? What were the reasons the psychiatrist and LMSW thought disqualified ASD?

Did they do a pragmatic speech eval?

Most psychiatrists do not have a lot of training in diagnosing and treating ASD. I would seek out a developmental pediatrician or developmental psychologist, ideally one who is certified to administer the ADOS (autism diagnostic observation schedule.)

Whether you get a diagnosis or not, I would highly recommend that you read Lost at School and The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene. He also has a lot of good videos at LivesInTheBalance.org. In a nutshell, the traditional "respect for authority" approach to parenting is not working for your son. Greene's approach is to determine what missing skills are causing problems, to identify specific problems that are resulting in problematic behavior, and then to negotiate with the child to find solutions that work and are durable.

It sounds like he is in a very unfair situation. He is big and very smart--this makes him an ideal target for bullying.

I think his "legal hitting" is costing him friends. Somehow the bullying needs to stop. As well as the retaliation. His lack of respect for authority may be related to how ineffective adults are in fixing this issue. Would you respect your boss if she allowed bullying in the office?

Being diagnosed with Aspergers can get him access to additional schooling that will help with any developmental issues, but it sounds like there aren't any to fix. But, that extra schooling is yet another way of making him "special" and more of a bullying target.

But, it could well be that he may have a different issue that has nothing to do with the Autism Spectrum--but related to the idea that "legal hitting is OK."

I would talk to your son's school about preventing any further bullying occurring. I don't think a solution to the bullying is for your son to take out his frustration on the football field. The bullying simply needs to stop.

I also think there are certain non-negotiables in the relationship that you have in your son and one is that he doesn't defy his father. So if he continues with this, he needs to be punished, which may entail loss of privileges such as being deprived of his video games until such time as he respects his father.

If he is intelligent as you say, maybe you just have to challenge him with extra things to do, to stop him getting bored. Give him books to read. Talk to his teachers about giving him extra homework. As he is big for his age and super intelligent, maybe he should skip a grade and move to a higher grade with pupils his own size.

Just because he is different to your other children, doesn't imply that he has AS. The gene pool is very diverse so within families, some children will be different to their siblings. Intelligence also isn't a factor in AS. It really doesn't surprise that you have conflicting opinions from different phsychiatrists as to your son's diagnosis. I would continue with the evaluations until such time that you have a definite confirmation that your son has AS.

In case you missed it, here is a perfect example of a "special interest"

Kirby Vacuum Cleaners
http://wtvr.com/2015/01/19/kirby-vacuum-birthday-party/

“He knew more about the Kirby than I did,” an obviously impressed Archie said. “I have never experienced anything like that.”

Archie has been selling vacuums for Kirby for 25 years.

He said he was moved by Dylan’s knowledge and enthusiasm. He was taken aback by photos of a much younger Dylan dressed up as a vacuum salesman.

Two people from the same office is closer to one opinion than it is to two. I agree that they may not be knowledgeable enough to do a diagnosis. There is an incredible amount of misinformation floating around and some of it is floating around due to professionals who ought to, but do not, know better.

There is a stereotypical notion of AS/AU, and if your child is too snuggly, too "smart", has too much eye-contact, attempts to socialize etc. then some people will assume the issue is something else.

That said, you don't necessarily have to have the diagnosis before you attempt to help. Bullying is hard to handle even with a diagnosis. The obviously blatant stuff can be addressed better than the stuff that may pass under his social radar.

The relationship with his dad is also something you can address without a diagnosis. What is setting them at each other? A 12 yr old boy and his dad butting heads is not necessarily unusual, so I guess I am asking if it is mundane, preteen stuff or if there is more to it. Is your husband also rigid, and does this cause issues. Why does your son specifically react to his authority adversely as opposed to anyone elses?