How to casually quash denial?

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I am an undiagnosed father married to a NT wife. After years of confusion/difficulty I have come to realize that I and most likely some of my family are blessed with/suffer from HFA tendencies. The revelation which happened in my early adulthood has allowed my to gain many new insights about myself however I feel I am at an impasse when it comes to speaking openly with my family and wife on the subject.

The reason this post is Parent's discussion is that my son, now 3, is now showing many ASD characteristics - no speaking until after 2 years, absurd memory, echolalia, intense interests in geometry/astronomy, communication difficulties, etc. I am concerned about how to best pursue open discussion on the subject. My family seems to just label themselves/me as nerdy and shy and the most honest description for my son that has come from my wife/in-laws is "gifted." Generally, there seems to be atmosphere of denial from both sides of the family although I have educated myself significantly more on the topic and can spot flags much easier. In some past attempts to discuss/push the issue with my wife I have only succeeded in annoying her, upsetting her or "giving myself something from the internet." Additionally, my wife has more of a "drill sergeant" parenting style and I am concerned that if I identify too many ASD characteristics in my son she may on some level attempt to train it out of him to return our family to the status quo of normalcy.

I have no intentions of seeking any formal diagnosis for my self or my son due to some of the possible negative implications of acquiring a label on paper. And honestly neither one of us will probably need formal recognition from outside of the family. Internally, however I would like to gain recognition and support from my loved ones without making them uncomfortable (apparently I can become argumentative). I think that having more open discussions, especially with my wife, about my son will be in his best interest when he gets older and faces any possible associated difficulties.

I would like to remove the atmosphere of denial but at the same time not make a big deal out of it. Do any of you have experience with this type of situation or advice on how to best open up discussion with family?

Personally I have no problems with labels. I've found it helpful to have a formal diagnosis as proof to those who may not believe what I tell them. It has also been necessary to get the right accommodations at school. I have also found I don't have to tell the world - just those whom I have determined need to know. You may be in a different situation.

I think you need to focus on what your wife thinks, and not worry/bother about extended family until the two of you are on the same page. It may be that behavioral or social difficulties in preschool or elementary school will force your hand -- if he's getting in a lot of trouble in those settings, you may need a diagnosis to get help for him.

How does she feel about labels? Does she see that there are things that are different from other children?

If you and your wife are having a lot of disagreements about how to handle his behavior, quirks, and sensory needs, you might start with a couple of books that explain techniques without using labels:

The Spirited Child Workbook
The Explosive Child -- the author has some great videos here: http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents

then graduate to one that has some great descriptions that might cause your wife to recognize your son:
Parenting Your Asperger Child

I agree with Zette, get your wife onto the same page first.

And that may not be easy.

Probably pointing out interesting articles and letting her start to develop her own conclusions would work best. But if she truly is a drill sergeant type, she may not WANT to hear the answer (her manner could be her self-developed defense against her own ASD traits), which is going to make everything more difficult.

I did not answer the poll b/c the answer I would give was not there, which would be to seek diagnosis for my son if needed, not to do it to prove something to extended family.

I don't know the situation with your son. If he is mainly quirky, is reasonably good at pragmatic speech, not having social issues or behavioral issues, I would let it lie, for now.

If he needs help, I would get it. The label can be necessary to get help or protect him.

As far as everything else goes, if you think he is on the spectrum and spectrum parenting is the way to go, then do it. If extended family does not babysit/discipline etc. and have no compelling need to accept it, I would not push it, just for validation. I am biased b/c I do not have an extended family who would validate. They are all pretty much the opposite, and I personally find it exhausting and emotionally draining to deal with all that. YMMMV

Edited to add: If you have a wife who will attempt to train ASD out of him, that is a much larger problem, and as everyone else says, that is something you have to deal with immediately. He has to be able to be who is to his parents, at the least.

As someone who's kid could easily "pass," and whose service workers really, really didn't want to label him - we are all doing much better now that he has a label.

The rest of the universe behaves much the way your family does: much of DS's behavior was framed as "quirky" at best and "weird" or "dangerous" at worst. Once everyone (DS decided himself to disclose to his classmates and put a lot of thought into the decision) knew how to appropriately frame his behavior, they were all much more supportive and actually began helping him navigate situations that he found difficult. It also was nearly impossible to get him appropriate supports without a formal IEP, and that needed a label - DS has an IEP entirely based on "functional skills" like social communication and organizational skills.

We found the book "All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome" to be very useful in helping us and others to frame his differences appropriately and not to pathologize them.