Moving To A More Academic School?

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Hi all,

I am hoping for some good feedback on an upcoming issue my family is dealing with. First a little background, my daughter is 13, diagnosed with AS at 4 1/2. She received a variety of therapies - occupational, speech, etc. and was in a social skills group. By the time she started kindergarten most of the things that had been causing problems in preschool had resolved, and she has pretty much done okay and "flown under the radar" since. While certainly not the most popular child, she has been able to maintain friendships and goes to birthdays, sleep overs, etc. We live in a place where public schools are not really an option, so she has always attended private schools. These have been smaller schools, with good academics (kind of a "B" level private school if that makes sense) and she has done well.

So here is the issue. We will be moving to another state at the end of her 8th grade year. In looking for schools in the area we have found two which could work - but one is significantly more academic then the other. Both are good schools that send the majority of their students to four year colleges. But, one is focused on getting kids into Stanford, Ivies, and the like. My daughter has great grades and wants very much to attend the more academic school. My husband and I worry that the move to another state, transition to high school, and a more competitive school will make things too difficult for her. She knows her AS diagnosis and can still have some wobbles from time to time, so that is in the picture too. The less academic (but still good quality) school, would be the equivalent of the types of school she has attended in the past. My daughter has gotten her grades without much effort at these schools. She even admitted to me that she wanted to see how little she could get away with doing/trying this year and still get straight A's. I have told her that this is not exactly the type of work ethic that is going to fly at the more academic school and that she will likely be surrounded by kids that work hard and enjoy pushing themselves. She calls herself a "lazy perfectionist" in the sense that she wants her grades to be perfect, but does not want to work to achieve that.

I feel like sending her to the more academic school is a train wreck waiting to happen. But, she could surprise us and rise to the occasion. So, does anyone have any advice for us? Let her give it a shot? Tell her "no"? She is interviewing at the more academic school in a few weeks, and with her grades and test scores will likely get in. Are we bad parents if we don't give her this opportunity - is it our place to tell her she is not ready, we don't think she can do it?

Any thoughts, experiences appreciated!

If you let her try the more academic school and it didn't work, would you be able to transfer her to the other school?

Honestly, I would be worried about the more academic school and some people may shoot me for saying it. One of the things that has made the social issues of school bearable for my daughter is the fact that academically she is ahead of most of her peers. But if she had to struggle both academically and socially, it wouldn't be good for her.

I know someone who moved into a "top tier" school district (like the one you are describing...prep school for ivy league) just so his son could go there. When I was looking to move, he advised me not to do it. He said that the pressure is intense for a typically developing kid, and it is crushing for a kid who isn't developing along the same path as his/her peers. His kid is super smart and has ADHD. He wishes he would have just opted for a solid school because he thinks his kid would be doing better (both academically and psychologically) if he would have not sent him to the top tier school.

Go to the more academic school.
That is what she wants, and if you go against what she wants on this, you are actively holding her back.
Give her the chance to rise to the occasion.
Tell her she will need to work more to get straight A's.
(Ackshuly, for a smart kid, it is still quite easy to get straight A's in high school)

This is only a personal experience, and I am undiagnosed with a diagnosed daughter, but I went to an academic school which put a great deal of emphasis on grades. I am clever and did very well. I was generally less than happy but feel I would have been so at any school. However, I am glad I went to a more academic school because it meant the things I was good at were highly valued by the school. I guess I would suggest you look at how likely your child is to be able to succeed. I think the option of transferring, as another poster mentioned, is also important, but it may well be that if you do have to transfer then your daughter will see it as a failure, which is a negative.

I think, IMO, you should let her try.

1) She wants to go.
2) If you don't let her go, she will feel you do not have faith in her abilities b/c she knows the reason is not cost. or anything like that. Feeling like your parents do not think you are capable or trust your judgement is an awful feeling, and very demoralizing. I would have felt like utter **** if I was in that position.
3)If you really feel like it would be setting her up for failure or too much stress, I suppose you could put some kind of condition in place (more effort in her current placement, for example)
4)Socially, she may do better around similar-minded people. She may also be upset at not being the brightest bulb in the box, but it is something that she will have to adapt to eventually. HS is lower stakes than college, grad school or work.

I'll give you the advice a teacher gave me when I thought my son was in over his head as a freshman:

It is time to let go, mom.

If she tries and fails, it isn't the end of the world. Let her know your concerns but, then, I think it is HER decision. She has to start testing her wings, and seeing when she can and cannot push herself. In 4 1/2 short years she will legally be an adult, and she has to start making her way down the road of transition, as difficult as it is for us to watch, and as inevitable bobbles, failures, and misjudgments will be. You keep an eye on it, and stand ready to rescue the moment you are needed to, but you have to let her try when she wants to try. She'll never know what she is capable of if she doesn't.