Son Sleeps All Day

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I have a son who is nearly 20 who has AS. He is nocturnal.
Registered in college but barely goes because of his sleep habits and was kicked off one course, because although he was doing the work, he thought he could just go when he wanted and it didn't matter if he didn't always attend or was late for class.

He was going to the gym most days, because he has some body issues and is mostly not going now, despite of me paying a fee.

His chores are few and one of them is to walk the dog in the evening, now he is usually asleep so I have to end up doing it or the poor dog wouldn't get to relieve his bowels and get some exercise.

At least once a week he sleeps all day and all night, in order to get his sleep cycle back to normal and then he messes it up by staying up all night again.

This week I have barely seen him because 'I am trying to sort out my sleep'.

It is his 20th birthday on Friday and I have just told him, through his locked door, that he can forget having a birthday. I am going to act as if it doesn't exist. The same way he behaves as if his family (me, step dad, 3 siblings) don't exist.

I really don't know what to do. I can't even get him to see anyone professional because he is always in bed.

Any advice would be welcome.
Thanks.

I don't think retaliating by ignoring his birthday is going to help the matter any. He doesn't interact with you the way you'd like is in large part due to AS, and not his fault completely. If his sleeping issues are due to depression, it's not going to help either.

Do you financially support him completely? Maybe drop the gym, any entertainment money, etc. State your expectations very clearly...(If you don't do your chores/go to school/see a professional by x time, then I expect you to find a third shift job by y) Don't approach it out of anger or as punishment, but as treating him in an adult manner with more adult expectations.

I'd might place extra emphasis on seeing a professional. He could be screened for depression, and given help to organize his day more productively.

Good luck to you both.

Hi and thanks for the reply.
You are absolutely correct. I did respond out of annoyance. That annoyance doesn't simply come from the sleeping all day. It was said after he refused to get up and go to college again.
I have had all those conversations with him about what he needs to do and told him he needs to find a job if he is not going to go to college. He always agrees and then continues in the same vein.

I have even told him how I worry when I don't see him all day. He isn't eating properly because he is in bed and I have offered to help organise things for him to do to keep him occupied.
I have 3 other children, with varying needs including PDD and ADHD. I also have ADHD so being consistent is sometimes difficult.

If you've had the conversations, then it's time to follow through. Maybe a written timetable posted conspicuously for both of you, with written consequences. I don't say throw him out on the street, but I would provide a bare minimum of provision. Emphasize he's an adult now, and you are showing respect by treating him as one.

If he is somehow, genuinely wired to be nocturnal, then getting him on a typical sleep schedule may be counterproductive. Has he always been this way, or do you think, as was previously mentioned, he might be depressed?

If the gym is your idea to solve his body issues, then I am not surprised he is not doing it. if it his idea, is the gym one of those 24 hour places, or would he need to be on a regular-person schedule?

Is the dog his or is it a family pet? if it is not just his dog, maybe you could get him to agree to a different chore set that allows him to stay on his schedule better.

As far as college goes, maybe an online option might be better for him if the only issue is showing up to class b/c of his nocturnal nature. It won't solve the problem of trying to get white-collar employment on that schedule, later, but depending on what he is interested in, it may be possible; or he might be able to freelance or do somehow do a job off the beaten path.

He could have a sleep disorder. There are circadian rhythm disorders that prevent people from sleeping normal hours -- their body clock is set too far off 24 hours, or set for them to be nocturnal (just as some people can't adjust and be functional enough to work overnight shifts, there are people who can't adjust and be functional during the day.) There is a big difference between not caring and just choosing to stay up late and sleep all day and and having an out-of-whack circadian rhythm that prevents you from sleeping at normal hours and being up at normal hours no matter how hard you try.

Thanks all for your replies.

A timetable sounds good and has been one of my ideas too, so I will try that.

I believe he probably is 'wired' like many in my family to be nocturnal. I have asked before for melatonin to help but couldn't get a prescription.
The gym is something he wants to do to be fit. He doesn't like his slim build.

The dog is a family pet but he is also like a therapy dog. The dog is the only one in the home my son shows affection to
If my son doesn't take the dog out, he often doesn't get any fresh air or exercise whatsoever.
I have thought about online courses. I will look in to that further.
It's so hard living with someone I hardly ever see. Worrying about his diet and life in general, not to mention his future.

Thanks again all.

If he feels like he is failing that could add to his problems, the fact that people are trying to be positively constructive but he might be taking that negatively, could be adding to his problems. Perhaps consider another course. But try and finish this course if he can

An I.T course enabled me to collect my work at college and then do the work at home. Although I work manual labour now but at least I can work the evenings. I am naturally a night owl.

Hmmm I do see your predicament, well I've got to admit online and ps4 is probably a good way of escaping, but for how long......maybe part if his frustration is not knowing what to do. also being expected to leave home and find a job just used to add to my anxiety. I'm sure he is a good kid, I have to be careful myself because the slightest discouragement can knock my self esteem into oblivion. Hope that helps, sorry it's not much. My excuse was "I didn't care" but I did care.

Try and find out his limits and limitations without trying to probe to much.

Just my farther accepting me, and talking to me logically and calmly in a friendly way was enough to make me listen.

As soon as he started yelling or blaming me I didn't take it the right way. And then all the self blame starts coming, I hate myself and so on. I never saw my farther's frustration was for my own benefit until I was fending for myself, I just felt I was letting my father down more by not doing the washing up and taking the dog out. I think I was depressed too.

But part of it was excepting my own limitations, even though your right you can do anything if you want if you want it desperately enough and you put your mind to it. Self belief comes with self worth from doing and getting a positive outcome. Maybe he gets anxious in certain situations.

Maybe he has had negative experiences where he doubts himself. It might take patience to get a clear answer.

Although my father was always strict and kicking me out the door when he got frustrated with me.

I must say though it would be completely hypercritical of me to say that I was depressed every time I played the ps4 or go online. I love these activities myself, and if it wasn't for the conventional aspect of nine to five I would be completely guilt free with the fact I had reverse sleeping patterns as long as I had a job and home to cover that lifestyle. Also I feel as if it's important for me to get alone time, one, two in the morning is the most creative time for me. I don't miss the fact I am unconventional.