husband issues

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I posted an identical topic about a year and a half ago and nothing has changed. Or I should say nothing has changed for the better - things have actually gotten worse. Those of you who've read my recent stuff know how poorly my son is doing currently. My husband knows he was in the psychiatric inpatient unit, he knows from me telling him that we almost call the police/paramedics on him a few times per week when he can't be calmed down, we even had to stop at a fire station that was near where we were driving because he was throwing things at me in the car and kicking my seat so hard I couldn't safely drive when we were on the way to his psychiatrist's appointment. But he misses most of the day to day stuff because I keep them apart.

As I pointed out in my last post on the subject, my husband believes it's his role to be an as*hole to toughen kids up. I didn't fully investigate his ideas on parenting before we got married 7 years ago, apparently. He was very sweet to me and I just assumed he'd be that way to my son also, but I was wrong. So he deliberately says confusing things to "teach him to deal with difficult people." The things my son has begged him over and over not to do that bother him the most are his use of puns, not giving my son an answer (sometimes totally just looking away and not saying a word, other times answering in a non answer) and always being stern, never being loving.

My husband has NEVER once asked my son "is there something I can do to help you?" or anything along those lines. He'll pun until my son has a meltdown - I might have given the famous sundae example already of me saying "lets go out for sundaes today because we've been so good with our eating lately" and my son getting super happy and telling my husband "mom said we can have sundaes today" and my husband saying over and over that we can't have sundaes today because today is not the day for sundaes, even as my son begged him crying his eyes out and saying "if this is a joke you're trying to make, please explain it to me because I don't get it, please." Of course the joke was that it wasn't Sunday. These things used to happen a couple times per week when they actually were in the same rooms in the house together at the same time, something I've orchestrated out of their lives in the recent months.

Today my son ran downstairs to my husband's part of the house looking for food. He actually had the amazing idea to ask my husband about some bread he found. I was listening at the top of the stairs. He asked "Is this your bread" because he's gotten in trouble with my husband in the past for eating food that was my husband's (a grrr in itself.) My husband said "ask your mother." My son asked again, "Did you buy this bread?" My husband would only say "ask your mother." Of course my son started screaming and crying, asking over and over why can't you just answer my question, how could you not know if you are the one who bought this bread or not, please just give me an answer, why can't you ever give me an answer.

I came down and commiserated briefly with my son - I used to do more to protect my husband but I've switched to trying to protect my son and when he does things like this I agree with my son that he's being obtuse and I apologize and try to help my son get his question answered. Then my son calmed down a bit and went back upstairs. I stayed to have a discussion. My husband said he answered my son's question. I said no you didn't, it was a yes or no question and you didn't say yes or no so that's not answering his question. Etc.

It just dismays me to no end that he doesn't try to help my son in these situations. If we get divorced and sell the ranch, I lose my business and then I'll be unemployed and potentially even homeless with no income, so this is adding a crap ton of stress to my already huge stress load. I should add that I was already semi disabled with fibromyalgia and inflammatory arthritis and awaiting the inevitable double hip replacement, and I've found out recently that I have cervical stenosis that will require surgery and 6 months in a neck collar with very limited physical activity AND I have a brain aneurysm that'll require surgery at some point and that could bleed at any moment, which carries a 40% risk of death and 50% of the survivors are gravely disabled. People do more with less, that's for sure, but I'm overwhelmed to the max. I'm supposed to reduce my stress to give myself a better chance of the aneurysm not rupturing. Ha.

My dream life? My husband moves out but pays enough alimony to keep the ranch. I rent out part of my house (I essentially live in a duplex) to a single mom with kids. We are friends and we help each other out the way a spouse is supposed to - not full time, but maybe something like I take the kids to and from school since I'm employed at home, and she takes the kids a few nights per week and keeps them entertained while I do my job in the barn. Our kids are friends for life. That would be great.

That doesn't really cover how I'll handle my surgeries. Being self employed I won't get disability income. But I can't imagine staying with my husband and being physically unable to intervene in times like tonight. Or like earlier today when my son was up at my mom's mad that she hadn't come out to eat the food he cooked (I posted about that in the "high functioning issues" thread) and he started getting aggressive kicking her furniture and trying to rip up the blanket, plus not to mention screaming for over 45 minutes straight and not leaving when asked to leave. How I'll handle that after a hip replacement or when I'm in a neck collar I have no idea. Maybe if I'm single I'll be on Medi-CAL and maybe they have home health aides or something. Right now my insurance has big copays for anything like that.

Well thanks for reading. A bright spot in my night, after a horrible day of screaming and calling us names, my son for some reason decided he would brush his teeth and take a shower. It's been two weeks for both so that was great. And he cleaned his cat's litter box. I told him how great that was and how it really helped us have a great night.

Wow. Blame your husband, move him out, collect alimony, keep the house ...

Good luck with all that.

Wow, you have a lot on your plate. I really hope you find some relief really soon.

I don't know what advice to give you, other than I think you need to do *something*. Would you and your husband do counseling? Or, family counseling?

How is your dynamic with your husband separate from your son?

I have read many of your posts about your son, and it seems you have way more than enough to handle without someone actively egging your son on. It also seems very unsupportive of you if you are telling him it is causing you more stress.

Can you get legal advice, just to see what your options are? *Disclaimer* I am not telling you to get divorced, but it may ease your fear/ stress to find out exactly what your rights are and what that would realistically look like.

Is there any kind of free counseling service, or social worker in your area that you can reach out to? I think you really could use some more support.

Hang in there.

Did you buy the ranch as a marital asset or did you come to the marriage with it? You need to talk to a lawyer yesterday. Not because you want to instigate divorce proceedings but so that you know what's going on and can understand exactly what the picture is. Many divorce lawyers provide an initial consultation free.

In all your stories, I didn't even realise that there was another adult living in the house at all. Where is the boy's father?

I also agree family counselling would be helpful. I can understand the stress your husband must be feeling with all of you son's issues, but at the same time, he is the adult and these interactions are abusive not just to your son but also to you.

^^^^This. Even if your options are not better than you think they are, I think you might feel better having more certainty. And your position may very well be better than you think it is. (I am not a lawyer, so I don't know)

If your husband is not your son's bio-dad, are you getting child support from bio-dad? If you aren't, getting it would improve your finances and might give you more options. I know you don't have the time and energy for all this in addition to everything else, but it sounds like it could be really important.

In another thread you mentioned that a counselor was recommending residential placement. It doesn't sound like either your husband or your mother are capable of taking care of your son if/when you have these surgeries, and that a placement would be a better option for him during that time.

Well tonight I found out that he filed for divorce. I'm stunned. Even though I was seeking to limit his interaction with my son by having a physical separation with us using the two separate areas of our house which is like a duplex, I definitely didn't want to get divorced right now. There is too much going on to deal with that as well. And my son shouldn't have to deal with that and with the worry that we might have to sell our ranch and find homes for his pets. Not great timing. I don't see why he couldn't just hang tight for a year or so. He's got a place to live that's separate, I even told him he could start dating if he wanted, but I didn't want to be forced into something my son would have to confront, like my husband moving out, or all of us moving out. I also hoped that he'd realize how serious things are by me asking to live with a physical separation and that would prompt him to try counseling or something. But he doesn't want to.

So I feel pretty abandoned - it all went downhill after my aneurysm diagnosis of a few months ago. Maybe he figures he should split now so that he'll be in less pain if I die, or so he won't be responsible for my son, I don't know. I think in the long run it's probably for the best but I'm just shocked he's forcing the issue when things are so stressful and without trying counseling or something.

To answer some questions, this house was my parents' before I got married. My husband and I bought it from them and got a bigger mortgage to pay off my husband's debts he had from prior to our marriage and to do some fixing up around the place. My parents gifted me several hundred thousand dollars of equity so that I could afford to buy it as neither my husband or I had a down payment and could not have afforded a mortgage for the full value of the place at the time, but since then it's lost a lot of value and there is no equity now. Gifts are not community property, so $400,000 of equity, if there was any, is mine right off the top, so there is no way for my husband to get any money if the place is sold. Plus I think the several tens of thousands of dollars of his premarital debt that is folded into the mortgage would have to be accounted for too.

I am seeing a lawyer asap. I need money from him to hire a lawyer though - I guess the consultation might be free then I can ask how to get money from my husband for subsequent bills. From day one my husband has been very proud of allowing me to be a stay at home mom and care for the horses and for my son, and while I do have my own business from before the marriage, it doesn't make any profit. I don't know much about how stay at home wives pay for divorce attorneys.

As for my son's biological dad, he never has to pay child support because he's disabled and on social security disability and welfare. My son gets a tiny amount monthly from the social security due to his dad being disabled.

I asked my husband after my aneurysm diagnosis to try to keep the stress minimized. We've only been together for 8 years but supposedly I was his soul mate, best thing ever, etc etc etc, and I am very hurt that he can't just wait a while at least until my son is more stable.

Thanks everybody for all the replies.

I was looking for your update today, I was worried about you.

I don't really know about paying for lawyers, but do you have a joint account with your husband? I don't know how it is in your state, but in mine it would not be "his" money, even if he is the only one earning. It would automatically be half yours. I think (don't quote me) often stay at home moms in your situation would get a judgement in court that the husband pay for the lawyer as part of the settlement. The lawyer can answer all these questions.

He may claim things in the divorce like that you forced him to live separately. However, your counter claim would be that he was being emotionally abusive to your child and you had no choice but to protect him. And actually, under the law (at least in my state), if you are aware of an abusive situation in the home (maybe more physical, though), you would be held accountable if you were to knowingly leave your child alone with the abuser- so you did the right thing.

I am really sorry this is happening, but I am hoping you find your stress level actually eases up a lot once he is out of the picture.

Well, it seems that when it comes to "My way or the highway", Dear Hubby chose to hit the road after deciding that life alone is worth more than living under the current conditions.

Too bad you two couldn't work it out. Now it's up to he court to decide who gets what, who goes where, and who is going to pay how much.

Good luck with all that.

Was anyone reading this thread really surprised by the outcome?

Ok let me get this straight - "my way" involves not emotionally abusing my autistic son. If you think there is a problem with me trying to do my best to enforce that standard, then there is something wrong with YOU, not me.

We have only YOUR side of the story, and what you consider "Emotional Abuse" may be exaggerated.

DH may simply be fed up with a situation wherein he not only feels powerless, but restricted by rules that dictate to him what is acceptable behavior.

Besides, if he's such an awful person and a terrible father, then you are all better off without him, right? It is all his fault anyway, right? You are going to get the house, alimony, child support, and his absence from your life, right? Isn't that exactly what you wanted? Then why aren't you happy about it, instead?

Fnord, you don't know what you're talking about. Most women are financially worse off after a divorce. Your comments are unnecessary, nasty and trolling.

To the OP, I don;t think asking him to desist for the stability of your son is a smart move. I think he's behaved very badly but I also think that he probably feels he's been neglected in the marriage and the focus has been on your son, who does sound like a handful. Asking him to defer for the very reason that he wants a divorce isn't likely to be productive.

The first thing you need to do is beg, borrow or steal money to talk to a lawyer about the property situation.

If you can't afford a lawyer, maybe try contacting legal aid to see if they can help you?

Even if they can't represent you or give you advice specific to your personal situation, they may be able to give you general information or general advice about the law that is applicable to your situation or direct you to other resources that can help.

Fnord, I'm not sure what the purpose is of replying to somebody on an online support forum from the standpoint that maybe their story isn't true. I'm not going to list any more examples but you can rest assured that I am not exaggerating - every doctor, psychiatrist, therapist who's heard any of what has gone on has done their best to ensure I realize that it's emotional abuse.

In previous occasions when my husband and I have discussed it, he's assured me that he'll stand by me and take parenting classes and read books and go to counseling. But then he never does. Will I be better off without him ultimately? Surely yes, particularly if he continues to stay the course and not modify his behavior. Does that mean it doesn't hurt right now? Of course not. Like most women, even ones who've suffered far worse than I have, I love my husband. I'd prefer we could work it out than we get divorced. Divorce has always been an option of last resort for me.

If you want to know how an Aspie thinks.

You told him to start dating again--this means its over.

More than likely he thinks it is against the rules to start dating while still being married.

The logical next step is to file for divorce.